So Much For Best Day Ever

I have absolutely no energy in my mind to write this in poems because I'm so pissed off. I'm so silly. I'm a silly little girl with silly expectations of finding silly true love and stuff like that. Part of me feels like it won't happen to me. But another part of me feels like if I try hard enough it will.

But I want to stop trying. I almost want some like guy friend of mine to confess that he's been in love with me since we've met or some silly thing like that. And I know that the one guy who does is someone I'll turn down because I'm not attracted to them sexually.

It's so stupid. I wish I were blind something so that sexual attractiveness would not even have to matter. I do wear high-prescription glasses but I don't think that counts. But let's stop talking about the theoretical.

I am pissed off because I apparently did nothing wrong. I was doing everything right...apparently. And I just feel so retarded...so INADEQUATE. And I don't care if what I feel sounds stupid. Most people act stupid when they feel. And I obviously acted very stupid.

So maybe I should just stop fucking feeling to stop being stupid.

And I seriously feel like I'm asking for way too much. I want good grades, so I have them. Can I have them with a side of love? No. That's such a dumb idea. Why? I hasn't worked out. And I guess it might never.

So I'm just going to sit here and brood until I feel better. And Tila gave me SUCH a headache. Not even those friends are helping.

Goddammit.

Fun Stuff

Hanging out,
Talking,
Techno,
Guitar,
Violin,
Essays,
Boyfriend.

Yeah, I'm busy =]

Almost Done!

From 6 to 3.
But those three will suck.
Especially community service.
Because as much as I love Jesus
And helping people,
I am not helping anyone
Or Jesus
While writing an 800 word
Essay about the magnificence
Of Mohatma Ghandi
For a 1/4 credit course
That has a pass-fail grading system.

Fantastic.

Too Many Essays

I have
One (theology)
Two (history)
Three (theology again)
Four (calculus)
Five (another calculus)
Six (Spanish)

Essays to write by next Friday.

My life will suck until then.

Being Sick

It sucks the life out of my life.
Literally.

I have no energy, no real motivation
To do anything.

Wait...
That's every other day.

But I'm on so many medications
I'm tripping something weird.
Like the song "Obla-dee Obla-da"
Is stuck in my head.
And I don't even like the Beatles!
(Sorry to all who are offended by my personal taste).

Then there's time yesterday
I tried saying that Jesus
Was God's son in my theology notes.

I ended up saying that Jesus was
A gay's song.

That was pretty failsome.

One Down, One To Go

Sitting in a classroom,
Rows close enough to cheat
Off one another
Except everyone has a different test form,
This is the highlight of AP season.

Once I get passed that,
Everything is easy.

I turned to the first through
About seven pages.
That part was great.

It
Went
Downhill
From
There.

Free response?

Bombed that shit.

Oh well.
If I get a 1...
That will suck.
I'll be so happy with a 3.

Stress Eating And Asian Food

I've been eating a lot lately.
And I hate it.
But it's either suffer through hunger pangs
Or eat and they go away.
And I bet I gained about
All the inches around my waist
That I worked three solid months on losing
And somehow kept off.

It's funny how when I'm stressed
My body image gets hit hardest. =[

Victorian Dinner Parties

I am so tired.
To the point that I don't remember things.

And the things I remember
Are not really relevant
To the life that I have to live.

For example,
I was studying
For my calculus AP.
And then I found myself
In my bed at 7:30.
And then I woke up
And I was in a pretty frilly dress
With Cave-boo
At a Victorian dinner Party.

We danced and flirted
And drank fancy champagne
And hung out with people
Like Dorian Gray
And then I opened my eyes
And it was almost 8.

I sighed and I gasped.
I really need to keep studying.

"Nobody Ever Had A Dream 'Round Here"

I have that song by the Killers stuck
In my head.

I like doing things that release
Endorphins.

But it's the way I feel when they're released that
I don't really like.

I start getting really loopy and can't focus.
It's what being drunk would feel like.

I've never been drunk, so I can't compare the two.
I've never been high so I can't compare that either.

But being in this weird daze of happy
Feels pretty good.

But I have so much work to do. >.<

Fine Waste of Time

Studying for AP tests sucks.
You know what else sucks?
Waking up early
To go take a practice test
That you probably already took
And wasted 2 hours starting it.

It sucks.

Das Wetter

It's pouring outside.
Like pouring pain
And chaos
And other things you can pour.

And it's almost like the raging feelings
In my head.
Or maybe it's just
The hormones.

I like the feeling
And idea of being in love with someone.

But it's the repression
Of it that hurts.

I really want to let you know
That I love you.
And I know I remind you a million
Times a day.
And I know I think about you a million
Times a day.

But I feel really bad talking about it,
Because of the company I'm in.
For their sake.

I don't want to feel like the reason
For people thinking unhappy thoughts.
That just makes me a shoddy person.

But I know I love you.

A Little Taste of How Horny I Am [Sorta like No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand]

Fuck me.
Pull your boxers down and
Fuck me.

Fuck me out of my mind
So sweetly.
Sweet me with your words
So nicely.
Romance with some songs
So crisply.

Oh you know
You know that yes I love
I MEAN I
...
Well yeah I really love you.

Oh you, boy, will never get
Oh no you boy will never get
No you boy won't ever get
How make your girl feel.

Sometimes I think the perviest
Things...I think, I mean I...
Think the horniest things.

Baby,
Your so sexy
I can't help me.
Help me
From thinking horny thoughts
About thee.

Oh you know you know you
That yes I love,
But I really
Want to make love to you.

Kayleighsita [Song for My Best Friend]

Sometimes life just goes where we
Don't want it to be,
Kind of like falling asleep
And going three stops too far.

But it's those times when you see
Everything as a dream
You don't know right from left
Or up from down...
Wait, that's me on a normal day.

I digress and return to you
My ailing friend with broken heart
And enough kleenex to kill all the trees.

Don't worry
I will hold your head high
Even though you want to cry.

Kayleighsita,
It'll all be okay.
Don't worry it'll be fine.

I think that you just need some time
For yourself and for your tears and ugly thoughts and ugly fears.
I will soon become just a bad memory
And nothing more than a dream.

You were
There for me when I was sad.
But I'll be there for you now.

Kayleighsita,
Don't stop crying.
Wait until you feel all right.

My theory is you need to be upset
At least just for a little while
To get all the ugliness out.
So that the prettiness could shine.

Because really...
You are quite fantastic.
I want to see you smile.

Kayleighsita,
You're my friend.
And I don't want
To see you sad.

Just please please cry
Until you don't need to cry.

Fastest Day Ever

I don't remember much from today.
Almost as if I was sleeping.
The only thing really waltzing in my brain is:
"But not just sex. Let's really make love."

And Star Trek.
And Obsessed.
And various movie websites.

Sound familiar, babe?

My Favorite Friends [Song I Made Up This Morning In The Shower]

I love Tila.
She's the best friend that I ever had.
She fun one-on-one
And She's fun when with friends.
And I want to do her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend Johnnie.
He's the coolest guy around.
He's wears many different outfits
And when he wears red
He is so fucking sexy.

Johnnie's cousin Jack.
He's always wearing black.
It's super flattering and it
Makes him so hot.
Oh my God, I want a threesome.

These are my fruity friends.
They are the most loyal people.
They're fun one-on-one and
Fun when with people
I never knew people so real.

Sad little Ginny.
She usually sits at home by herself.
But she's the greatest tutor ever.
She's helped me with English
And she got me through history.
She should be much happier.

My parents don't like my friends.
And it's probably the bad influence
They have.
They make other people be stupid
But they make me feel smart.
They are so awesome.

Jack and Johnnie are best party dates ever.
They are pretty popular.
Everyone likes them
And their other friends too.
They party super hard.

These are my fruity friends.
They're sometimes quite flaming.
But they make everything better
And make parties for fun.
I really miss them.

Ever Have Those Nights?

Ok, so, I might not have lasted passed the 8th grade.
And there are times I wonder:

Why am I still here?

I get so unhappy sometimes...
Okay, not unhappy.
Just really freaking upset sometimes.

I just got off the phone with him.
And I know he didn't mean it the way
It came out.
But it's just...

Fucking Christ, why am I always the one left?

Here it comes again...

Sick freaking puppy.

But just like that one song by Fall Out Boy,
I cannot blame my issues on the world.
It just starts sounding really monotonous.
And I can't blame all my issues on me either.
(Not my fault my friends are sort of being really weird).
Or is it?

I'm like the kids in "Mister Misfortune."
I'm licking my scars, not caused by straighteners,
But by freaking everything.

I'm just so upset.

Longest Night Ever

When you see your child in obvious pain
All night,
Would you just SIT there
And watch and do nothing besides rub
Her tummy and back?

When your child is roaring at you
All morning
Would you just STAND there
And act as if nothing is wrong?

Parents--

This is what NORMAL people do.
They take their kid to the doctor.
And not to the doctor 45 minutes away in fucking Greenpoint.
I had a rock in my throat most of the night.
My stomach felt like it was going to explode
As if there was a face-sucker in it.
My chest is so tight right now
I cannot even get out of bed.

And I'm missing school.
All because you just sat there and didn't go
To the pharmacy for fear that I'd get even more sick.
Good concern, but if the meds made me sick
We'd know WHY I'm even more sick in the place.
And now I'll definitely have a DBQ or something due
Monday that I don't know about
So it gets postponed for me to Tuesday.
I probably have a test on Monday
On stuff we learned today.

And it's all because you sat there all night.
Thanks a fucking lot.

Last Night [I Composed a Bass Part]

I woke up last night in the
Middle of a dream
Wondering "How the hell I'd end up here?"

I looked out the ballroom window
And there your hand was
And I wondered how the hell you're
Out there.

I like to think that my dreams are so profound
But really they're just some random sounds.

Like a discontinued chorus
Taken completely out of context
In a horrible remix of
My favorite rock song.

I sat up and went to see you hand
But there really wasn't any body there.

So I looked at it and cried
And I realized that there was no one there.

Oh how...
I miss days
When I didn't have to wake up
And wonder if I am dreaming.

Oh how...
I want to
Go back to freshman year
And start up again.

But I know I can't.
And I also know that
Getting a nom won't happen,
Just because I'm not at a place where I belong.

In guidance class we were watching a movie
About death and fear and restraint and what
Links them all.

I would never ever ever
Want to
Never ever ever
Want to
Watch some segments of my life.

But then...
I hear songs
That have really painful images attached.

But then...
I see pics
Of images I never want to relive.

I am difficult.
I am annoying.
And that's what brought here in the first place.

And I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to be
Such a bitch to you earlier today.

Strangely Fatigued

Today is just one of those days
When I crashed so hard
I just kind of what to be like the chick
in The Ring video who just stands there
At the mirror, monotonously pulling
At her hair with a hairbrush.

I don't feel like studying,
Even though I want to get like a 90
In English class.

I don't feel like starting my short story
Even though the idea is brilliant.

I don't feel like doing my physics paper
Even though the teacher won't be there
Tomorrow.

I don't feel like going to school tomorrow
Even though there's voting for student government.

I'm so unmotivated,
That sleep doesn't even sound appealing.

"Do It Now, Lick It Good"

I find the strangest solace in completely perverted music.
Or songs with catchy beats
Sung by really hot women
With clipped poetic rhythms.
Like that Lady GaGa song Poker Face.
It is incredibly catchy.

I also have the calmest thoughts thinking about strippers.
Like, they are probably the epitome of female beauty.
Not models or over-photoshopped MySpace kids.
They have nothing to hide behind.
And all people drool over them.
I wish I could be like that.
But I think to some people I already am.

And that's solace enough.

"Turn Off the Lights and Turn Off the Shyness"

Ever felt so strongly about someone
You just want to do everything with them?
Take them everywhere?
Stand on top of a building and shout that you love them?
Or you just want to make them something
So totally awesome and silly just to see if
They'll smile?
Or you can't even get through an hour without
Thinking about them?

Once on THIS Island

I'm not referring to the musical.
Well, I sort of am.
Considering I saw it yesterday
With Cave-boo...
Well I saw half of it with Cave-boo,
The other half with Ellewoods and her friend.
It was ridiculously cute!

But once on this island,
The island I grew up on,
There was a girl
And there commuted a boy.

They had many silly times.
Many romantic times.
And many odd times.

But it's all worth it.

Considering this is the island
Of big dreams.
Where small-town people could potentially
Become millionaires
And where hopeless can find some shining ray of hope.

Drinking Holiday

Two words that don't belong in the same sentence together.

Holy implies a sense of the sacred.
Day usually means when it's bright out.

But drinks are associated with the divine, right?
Jesus drank wine.
Religious services usually involve some form of wine.

And some Jewish holidays take place at around sundown.
Which is definitely not daytime.

Happy and Monday are also two words
That don't belong together in the same sentence.

But you which two words do?

Me and you.

"DID YOU EVA RAAAAPE SOMEONE?"

[aka Why I Should Be A Peer Leader At My School]

I am a very kind,
Loving, caring,
And affectionate person.

I like helping people,
People can relate to me.

I can be a leader
Without being intimidating
Or overbearing.
I can make people laugh
Even though I'm being serious.

I think
That I rock =]

The Next Lucy

[Inspired by Dracula]

Lying awake at one in the morning,
The only thing thought of is blood,
Blood rushing through veins,
Blood causing much heat,
Blood inspiring friction.

Blood comes from the heart,
It comes toward the heart.
But it could come from other places
As well, at the thought of certain people,
The want of certain things,
The disdain of certain things.

But never from the indifference
Towards certain things.

At one o'clock in the morning,
The air swirls with a mist caused by
The pumping blood. Almost like a dream,
But not quite...
Until waking up six or seven hours later
With a feeling of elatedness that could not
Have been a dream
But that could not have been real as well.

I Am Pissed...No Sugarcoating

Woke up this morning, feeling drab.
Only went to school because of the test I had.
Half-heartedly ate my breakfast
I'm pretty sure that it couldn't last.
In my head, my own voice screaming,
"HELP! I really just wish I was dreaming."

I didn't want to wake up this Tuesday.
Why can't?
Why can't? Why can't?
It just be Friday.

I went to assembly,
Hoping there'd be no more stupid new age prayers.
Luckily there weren't, but I found out
That my English teacher was not there.
Yet I still had to go and take my English test.
Kids who shouldn't wake up
Are zombies in the day.
Jesus, Poofy, did you have to stay at home?

Later that day, I went to see the Guidance Counselor.
I told her my problems and the some recent drama that went on.
I might have an eating disorder, I hate half the people I know.
You're all available but when I really don't need you all.

I didn't want to wake up this Tuesday.
Why can't?
Why can't? Why can't?
It just be Friday.

Then it turns out that I have about 5 or 6 free periods.
Really boring, especially when you have no work to do.
I wish I could just eat and eat and eat some more.
But my stomach kept tricking me, so I assumed I was bored.

Tonight will be my second night without a proper dinner
To be had. Not because my mom fucked up.
It's because the timing wasn't right.
And being hungry just makes me more easily ticked off.

Caught Me Living In A Dream

I feel like I'm going through a daze
Half the time I'm talking to Cave-boo.
He's like everything I asked for...
Well, except for the distance thing,
But we make it work.

Speaking of dazes,
I have no idea what's going on in school.
My physics teacher is loony.
I have this massive AP US research paper
Due I have no idea when.
I have AP exams slowly coming up
And nipping me in the ass.
And I just feel remarkably disconnected.

It's so bizarre.

Amused

I love how after about three weeks
Of dieting combined with cardio workouts
Gave me fewer results that resorting back
To the fantabulous workouts recommended
By Josh Hillis.

After a day,
I already see improvement.
Even though all the food today sort of killed it.

I like semi-buffet-style eating.
Lots of food laid out
And you can pick whatever you want.
The deli food is also delicious.

I sort of can't wait to go swimsuit shopping.
It's kind of exciting being semi-not-afraid to show off
What you have to the world.

Just like in my answer to the
"Why don't you jump in the pool
While you're mysteriously naked" dream question:
People need something gloriously imperfect
To marvel at.

A Year

A Year ago...
I was stupid.
I was broken.
I was naiive.
I flipped over my grades.

A Year later...
I'm a little smarter because of it.
I'm still somewhat broken.
I like to think I'm a little more sophisticated.
I don't give a shit about the number.

A Year ago...
I had My Best Friend.
I had Poofy Hair.
I had PBD.
I had Skinny.

A Year later...
I have Cave-boo.
I have Poofy Hair.
I have Papaya.
I have Just Fabulous.
I have Black&White Cookie.
I have Theater.
I have Jamaica.

A lot has changed in a Year.
But you still have the same old bad attitude.
Well, with a larger touch of asshole.
And a bigger heart.

Keeping My Mind Off Good Friday

Today I watch Penelope.
It is an incredible movie.
I'm not going to spoil anything.
But is so good.

I should probably do some homework too.
But I'm sort of hungry.
But I ate breakfast like 2 hours ago.
But...I should stop making excuses.

I'm going to go do my homework.
And call mein freund later.

Krod Mandoon

This show is probably
The best new comedy central thing
Since Dimitri Martin.

It is such a good show.
And it's really ridiculous.
Think Lord of the Rings crossed
With Knights of the Round Table
With a sprinkling of Black & White Cookie humor.

It's great.

Today

I'm not going to sit around
And bash the Jesuits.
They are good people.

But somethings annoy really
Conservative Catholics like me
Who think life was better when it was
Still really exciting to be Christian.

Today I was at reconciliation service.
And in the reflection, we had to put
Ourselves in the shoes of the people involved
Other than Jesus.

I didn't like that.
It seems a bit silly, considering
Words were put into the people's mouths.

Speaking of putting words in people's mouths,
Our physics teacher might not be coming back.

That means no physics class until the end of the year.
That's NOT GOOD.

How To Make Yourself Feel Inferior to Everyone You Know

Step 1: Take an SAT practice and go to an SAT course

Step 2: Freak out for days prior to the SAT

Step 3: Take the SAT

Step 4: Feel awful after that

Step 5: Get SAT Scores

Step 6: Check on every college admissions calculator

Step 7: Find out that even with early decision, you probably won't even remotely get in

Story of my life.
Moral: Not accepted ANYWHERE.
I'd prolly kill to be accepted somewhere...

School

There's drama every freaking week.
I can't really complain though.
I don't have to go to this "volunteering
At school" thing I have to go to once every
Six days in a cycle.

Today was calm.
I chilled with the Black&White Cookie
And sent Cave-boo a few texts
And repeated some funny jokes
Cave-boo said.

Theology class might kill my average this quarter
So I'm planning to change that.

And soon I'll be taking an AP Spanish
Placement test...

That will suck.

What's Your Favorite Color?

I hope he gets fired soon,
So that we won't have to deal
With that buffoon
In physics class.

When that happens I'll be
Relieved considering I'll learn
Something new and return to
Normality.

He asked us what our favorite colors were.
The kids had no response. We'd rather
Sit around and stare at beakers
Than deal with this shit everyday.

Speaking of science and chemistry
Why can't I be one of those kids
Who are always skinny?
It's rather annoying.

Considering I've spent like three blog
Entries bitching about my weight
Kind of like a watchdog
In the early AM, when people come
Who shouldn't be there.

I don't know what else to clarify.

That's when I ended up finishing
My Spanish essay about an hour early
About a girl in a movie
Who doesn't see the difference between
Reality and fantasy.

Tomorrow I take
The placement test
I hope I don't fail
And actually pass.

Kind of like in English class when
The Hobbit gives us quizzes
On obscure details no one
Cares about.

Academics have to die soon.
I never thought I'd say this,
But I want summer.

The Trouble With Buying Colors

I have made it a personal fashion goal
To stop buying so much black clothing.
Because pretty people wear colors.
And colors are fun.
Especially blue purple and green.

But the hard part:
Making it all look half-decent together.
Does purple go with turquoise?
I tried on my teal shorts today with this purple
Shirt I own and it sort of looked good together.

Wearing black and jeans all the time is easy.
You throw on a black shirt.
You throw on the same pair of jeans.
DONE.

But I think that taking care of myself
Is a positive action.
Don't you?

Pillow Fights and Emotional Brawls

Why is there so much on my mind?
It's starting to get really annoying
And is hindering me from having fun.

I'm hitting all new lows with demotivation.
I didn't realize I horrifically faux pas'ed today
Wearing denim on denim. I'm usually very attune to that stuff.

I feel bad for Cave-boo though.
My parents are strict, we live far from each other,
And he has a really broken girl.

I just hope I start feeling better eventually.
Well not eventually.
Sometime really soon.

My stomach is suffering and so are my grades (sort of).
So dear whoever is out there,
Relieve this throbbing toothache of the mind.

Things You Don't Say To People

When someone's trying really hard
To lose weight, the LAST thing
You tell is:
"You look the same as you did."

It just makes us people who can't complain
When/ if they weigh 118 pounds to work out harder
Eat less, and get more and more frustrated
With themselves.

I would love for just one summer:

To actually want to go to the beach
And not hate every second of it
Because I know I don't look good in swimwear.

To actually wear a pair short shorts without
Pairing them with a sweatshirt because of what
Tank tops do to my body when paired with short shorts.

To actually have people looking at me with
A good impression and not "Holy shit, what the fuck
Is she thinking?"

To actually be able to show some skin
Without worrying that I'm going to make
Someone have horrific images.

I love how when I'm depressed,
My body gets hit hardest with the bad feelings.
I just start getting antisocial because no one listens.

When I'm like "ugh I'm in a bad mood"
Somehow that usually gets translated
Into "hey let me vent to you."
And then I realize that whatever that person has
To vent about is worse than whatever is wrong
With me so I end up ignoring me until I get home.
And that's when it gets to the point when I'm upset
And have no clue why, so I try justifying it.

I'm guessing the really recent weight failure contributed,
The English class failure,
The distance I feel from everyone,
And the weird crap that's going on with my teachers.

No More Brooding

I think I'm going to turn the blog's focus
Away from how crappy I've been feeling.

But I am still feeling quite crappy. I mean,
I'm not eating enough.
I've made jokes about it.
But I'm not eating enough lately.

I don't even know what it is.
It could be the stressed, but I usually
Overeat because of stress.

But whatever.

There was a thunderstorm a few nights ago.
Those are the coolest things ever.
The lightning flashes from

One side of the sky

To the other

And back again.

The rain is usually really warm during one.
There's nothing like the feeling of
Warm summer rain on your skin.
Except when it wets you clothes.
That's a bit uncomfy.

Wow, I'm Feeling Hopeless

As everyone who knows me knows,
I am almost never obvious about
Whether or not something is bothering me.

Part of me wishes I was, but my
Lack of pride doesn't want to be
Known as a drama queen.

But it's just...

I don't even know.
I'm just horrifically down and energyless.

Maybe it's my sore throat and
My body image and
The recent school drama and
My academic fail and
Other crap.

Like, I honestly just want to crawl under
My covers with one of my stuffed animals,
In my pj's and stay there.

I think I might be slipping slowly into
A down.
Which is unusual, considering crashes happen
Randomly and over the stupidest crap.

I think it's because of my jealousy of people.
I'm such a closed person.
As stated earlier, if something's wrong,
90% chance you won't know it.
I see some of my friends and they
Can practically look at each other and
Know what the other is thinking.
I wish I had that kind of closeness.
I also watch the various groups of friends
All share ideas and agree and stuff like that.
I want to know what it's like to be part of
Something or to belong somewhere.

Which is why I like relationships.
I feel like I belong somewhere,
Be it in someone's arms or in someone's heart.
And all I want now is that closeness, where it's like:

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yep."

Really?

And adults thought the 80's were crazy.
Seems like there's nothing like
Straightforwardness in the world anymore.

All this behind-the-back internet stabbing.
Really? Calling someone out on their wall
For everyone to read and not expecting
To get in trouble for it?
Really?

Using my ability to quote reality TV,
Like Frank the Entertainer said,
"I show my true colors. They might not
Be very bright, but I show my fucking
True colors."
One way to do that is to be straight up
And not cause drama surrounding a wall post.
If someone is giving you that much
Trouble, just freaking tell them about it.

Oh and to clarify a few things
That people have said to me in
The passed few days:

~No, my boyfriend isn't egotistical. Just because he is trying to be the best guy ever doesn't mean he has an ego issue.
~Yes, he is Jewish, but that doesn't mean he killed Jesus.
~No, OBVIOUSLY my boyfriend isn't fucking gay! I love gay people and I love my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean he's gay.

Yet Another Letter

Dear Poofy Hair,

You are not being clingy.
Clingy is when you can't go through
Like an hour without being with or contacting that person.
Clingy is where they go to the corner
And you're screaming about where the hell have they been.
When you text them every five seconds about
Who they're with
Where they are
And why you're not invited to that party.

You're
Not
Clingy.

Honestly, I'd be a little concerned
If you were all "lol whatever" about it.

Because everyone hates feeling ignored.
Clingy has nothing to do with that.
And like I said earlier,
TU NO ESTAS CLINGY!

I wish I had some sane advice to offer.
So I shall offer my insane advice and maybe
It'll cheer you up a bit.
You can stalk him to school.
Randomly show up at his house.
You could give him a wall post being
"Hey what's up?
We haven't talked in forever."

Oh and about the hanging up-ness...
Don't feel like you're being ridiculous just
Because me and Cave-boo see each other half as
Often as you and Michael saw each other.
It's like when you're absent from school
And we don't see each other everyday:
It's just weird.
So don't get hung up over that.

Much love hugs and face-licks,
Joanna

I Hate Being a Girl Sometimes (Rant)

So most people define a body image disorder as a condition where a perfectly healthy, physically fine-looking girl envisions herself as being grossly overweight and then proceeds to get into anorexia, bulimia, or some other eating disorder in order to look what her mind envisions as being thin and perfect.

My situation is the opposite.

I tend to envision myself as someone with the body of say Jessica Biel and on, what I call, pretty days I feel like I look that way so I'm a totally egotistic asshole because I feel so fucking hot. But then I go shopping, look into the mirror and then my image of myself is totally shattered and goes to the complete opposite.

So it's a roller coaster ride between me thinking I'm really hot and me feeling like a total fatass. Well, I'm not a fat ass--I actually have a really nice ass. Try more like...round-belly. Yeah, that's more like it. I feel like I'm a total pear-shape: all the fat I accumulate disgustingly goes to my stomach and ass and thighs and I bulge out like a water balloon. I know that's not true.

That's the truly pathetic part: I know I probably look fine. I know there are people that want to do me. I know that there are girls who want my body. And for some stupid reason my own HEAD can't see that either. And it's usually especially around my time of the month. Because I bloat a lot.

The other thing is: I need to come face to face with the reality that I'll never be pencil skinny. You know, the girls that can wear everything except for that tiny denomination of "curvy girls" clothing. On second thought, I've come to that realization already. I'm just stupid and immature sometimes.

Like, whenever I go shopping, I need someone with me. Someone who can objectively look at me and say that whatever I'm trying on looks great/ fine/ there's probably better stuff out there for me to wear. Because I can't do that for myself. And it is really sad. Like, the pair of shorts I bought? On normal days, they look great on me. On days like these? Nothing does. Not even body-hiding sweat clothes.

A Short Letter

Dear Aunt Flo,

I hate you.
So much.

Thanks for nothing.
I don't need the following things:

~Mood swings
~Bad body image
~Bloating
~Overeating spurts
~Followed by overexercising spurts.

Take me off your send list.
Please?

Sincerely,
Me

Procrastination

The Sims 2 is just too much fun.
My multi-racial family
Just had a set of twins.
But hopefully no one will die
Of needs failure, since there
Are four adults in the house to
Take care of the kids.

It's too much fun.
And I have ten chapters of
Theology homework to finish.

Go me!

Excitement

Ever get that feeling
That you're so excited to see
Someone that everything
You do before you see them
Revolves around them?

That silly little
Feeling when your stomach
Does somersaults
And back flips
And front flips
And side flips
And hand stands
While your heart is pounding away a mile a minute?

The thoughts you get
When someone only mentions the
Person's name and
Even if it has nothing to
Do with them, your mind
Flocks to happy, silly thoughts
Of them?

I can't wait to take my
Camera and capture the happy,
Silly moments today.
Between the fried chicken,
The waffles, South Park, the snuggling,
And just the general feeling of happiness
All around.

Bloc Part(ies) And Homework

Most incredible concert last night.
Never have jumpsuits looked so cool.
The crowd was relatively tame,
Nothing like what went on
At the other concert I went to.
I managed to snap some really good pics,
Considering that me and Poofy hair were
About...three rows away from the barricade.

Weight issue is turning into less of
An issue, except that bagel this
Morning might have been a really
Bad idea. I worked it off though.
I also had salad for lunch.
It was okay, but my legs are
Crazy-itchy from the dressing.
That was prolly the other bad food
Idea I had today.
Oh, and pop'ems.

But tomorrow will be fun.
More bad food decisions to be made.
But they are made for love.
Yay waffles, fried chicken, South Park,
Cave-boo, and my inability to sing.

Absense

I haven't been posting daily
Because I need to figure out my own head.
Okay, not my head,
My body.

I have hit such an
All-time high with how much I weigh
And an all-time low with how much
I don't like the way I look now.

But I am working at it.
I'm freaking eating a fruit-yoghurt-salad
Thing instead of my usual bagel or
English muffin or toast breakfast.

I'm not even done with
Half the bowl and I'm already full.
I'm sure I can save the rest as a snack.

I'm so glad Cave-boo and Jamaica
Are being so supportive.
At first Jamaica tried pulling the
"You're still hot anyway" card
But then I explained that it's an actual
Problem.
So now they're willing to help out.
And that makes me happy.

Because honestly,
"You're still hot anyway"
Never works.

Conclusion

I'm in love with Cave-boo.
I hope he reads my blog and smiles.

But anyhow.
I am hungry.
All the calories in root beer is keeping
Me away from "OMG GET THE FUCK AWAY"
State of hunger.

I'm starting this new sprint-jogging
Cardio workout thing
That I hope will be fun and work.
I feel so heavy right now.

Kiss Me, Kiss Me, (Kiss Me Again)

Sitting in a car for 8 hours,
Listening to a myriad of songs,
I had lots of time to dwell on things.

I didn't have reception have the time
And Cave-boo was off skiing,
And my phone is being stupid (4,5,6 don't work).

So me and being bored
Locks me up in my own head.
My own head is starting to hurt from thinking.

So where do I begin?

I listen to a fuckload of love songs.
Love songs about being in love.
Love songs about failed love.
Love songs about unrequited love.
Love songs about longing for love.

Makes me think of what love is.
Like what's the difference being loving someone
And being in love with someone.

I mean, I knows there like
"I want to fuck you like an animal" love,
And "You're my best friend" love,
And "We're related so we must love each other" love,
And "I genuinely want you to be happy and
Would sacrifice myself for that" love,
And then there's love.

I bet the "animal" love is what
Many people feel towards me.
"Related" love is what I feel towards my parents.
And, as cynical as I am,
"Friend" love is what I feel towards everyone.

So that gets me thinking:
What does Poofy-hair feel towards My Twin Brother?
What does Lithuania feel for My Best Friend?
What does Cave-boo feel for me?
What do I feel for Cave-boo?

I can't write about stuff I don't know,
But I'll write about what I do know:
What I feel towards Cave-boo.

He's incredible, seriously.
Like Sneekiss said, "The more you talk about him,
The more he's sounding like your dream boy."
And I mean...
GYAH I have too hard a time talking about
My feelings...the fuck?
But he treats me well and I feel like
I have a shit load to make up to him
Since I'm such an emotional basket case.
I mean, I've never had a guy
Who was willing to punch someone for hurting
Me in addition to getting my end of the story.
Like...wow I'm gushing.
But I feel something towards him
And I guess it's love...whatever that is.
I just want him to be happy and stuff.
And I care.
And he makes me happy as hell.

(I think about him more than other things...)

Sowww...

Today was fun.
I still have a lot of break to go.
I still have a lot of work to do.
I still am kind of hungry.
I still know that I should not be eating.

I like the color green,
It really looks good with my hair.
And it brings out my eyes.
And it's the color of St. Patty's Day.
I'm not remotely Irish,
But in New York,
Everyone is Irish on St. Pat's.

Unity is fun too.

Watchmen: A Movie Review

Based on the graphic novel that is apparently on Time magazine top 100 books of all time, Watchmen follows the adventure of outlawed masked vigilantes and a radioactive electric blue naked man named Doctor Manhattan. The plot is pretty much that one of them is killed, the extremely neurotic one goes on a rampage to find out who did it, Dr. Manhattan goes away to Mars, and this other dude is trying to start a Utopia. Having finished the novel two days before seeing it, I remembered a lot of key plot points and the movie seemed to stay faithful to the book. But it was glorious as a movie as well.

I never told my parents that it was rated R...if they had been there, they would have thought: "For good reason." I am usually not a squeamish person, but I had to close my eyes and flinch a little during some scenes. Some I tried prepping for, such as the scene with Rorschach's first criminal investigation, but that did not work. But I am sure there are PG-13 rated movies with the same amount of gore and violence. Therefore, the real reason why it was rated R: Doctor Manhattan's blue penis. Not the rampant sex between various characters and the easy hookers walking down the streets of 1985-Manhattan. It was that blue penis. If there's any way to make most people uncomfortable, just unleash the penis. In the words of Forrest Gump: "And that's all I have to say about that."

The music was phenomal too. I mean, it was so appropriate during some scenes, especially the opening sequence. During others...it was hysterically funny. For those of you who have seen the movie, remember "Hallelujah"? The best though, was the "Flight of the Valkyries" theme when Doctor Manhattan destroyed people and things while in Vietnam. It was so epic and so appropriate but for whatever reason really funny. Speaking of the radioactive electric blue naked man, I liked his voice. Reading the novel, I sort of imagined it as distant and sort of innocent but marred by something dark. Billy Cruddup had the best voice for it, hands down. Initially, it might seem a bit awkward, considering his character is massively ripped. It works though.

Overall, I really liked the movie and would recommend it to anyone. The novel is great too...so great, that I used it in my SAT essay.

Rating: 9/10

Fuck the SAT

Yesterday was fantabulous.
Any situation that gets me
Laughing to the point that
My head starts aching is
A good situation...

Well except for South Park.
And chilling with the Black
and White Cookie.
That can get really politically
Incorrect.

Anyhow,
The SAT wasn't fun.
I got nine hours of sleep that
Night and I was still tired
After the test. I took a nap.

And what woke me up
Was the fact that Cave-boo
Was coming soon and I realized
That I won't have time to wash
My hair so that it looks pretty
For today.

Because it's PBD's birthday luncheon
And I'm going to the movies with Cave-boo.
To see Watchmen: the great comic book
About radioactive naked blue men and sluts in
Yellow suits fighting a neurotic man who believes
In Utopia.

Today will be fun.
Especially the chili part after the
Movie. I've never made food with a guy,
But making food is fun with people
In general, so it should be fun.

Homeboys

Today a priest came to our school.
Well, priests come to our school
All the time, since we are a private
Catholic school on a quiet corner
In New York's Upper East Side.

He talked about the kids he works
With. Well, not really kids, but people
Who missed out on a real childhood.
He was really good. He perfectly mixed
Humor with seriousness with sadness.

Burying 165 kids? That's intense.
And he got emotional after every
Story he told about a dead kid.
And I felt really...I don't know
How to describe it. Foreign, I guess.

I don't know what it's like
To get super emotional over
People dying. I mean, this woman I knew
At Church died this year, so did the
Lady I fed at the nursing home, I have
No grandparents, one of my uncles
Died a few years ago. I only sort of wept
Over the lady at the nursing home.

I didn't really know any of
My relatives well. Like, I'm not
Too close with my relatives.
They're all in Poland or too
Busy to like get to know me.
Or they're too conservative and
I'm too crazy for a calm connection
To be made.

I also don't know what it's like
To get super-emotional for a reason.
I always crash randomly.
Or I have too much on my mind
And I don't realize it until the most
Random thing turns me into
A hysterical, crying mess.
I wish there were reasons.

I Fail At Mentioning Things

My mind is wheeling.
Kind of like a kaleidescope.
From SAT, to relationships,
To college, to tomorrow,
To Friday, to Saturday, to Sunday,
To Watchmen, to food,
To salt, to my mild-bipolar-disorder,
To...where else can my mind go?

Just another day in my mind.
Thoughts going by faster than I
Can remember them.

I just don't get why I'm
Randomly crashing.
My back is hurting.
I don't remember PMS starting
Three weeks before your
Next period.

Maybe it's just the stress of
Junior year and life
And..teenagehood.
It's been quite the ride.

I like to think
I'm a better version of
Myself.
But sometimes I wonder...

"Woo honey let’s go dancing"

I have no idea what to write about today.
Should I rant on the weird sense of
Misplacement I feel around half
The smart girls in my class
Who are basing their college decisions
Partially on their boyfriends?
Or how the Hobbit strangely likes me?
Or how funny I think Watchmen is (it's
A good story but some of the illustrations
Are amusing)?
I think I'll write about them all.

Act I: Boyfriends + College

So it was physics class.
Upstate Girl and BumbleBee were
Talking about colleges they'd want to
Go to and about their boyfriends.
Upstate Girl's boyfriend is going to college.
BumbleBee's boyfriend is in college.
They're worried that they're making
Their college decisions based on their
Boyfriends. They're bf's are at least
In decent schools or going to decent schools.
And they sort of looked at me as if I had
Some advice to offer as to what they should do.
I don't have any.
I could say "Break up if you aren't seeing each other."
But it's not really my place to say
Something like that. So I just kept the conversation
Focused on the academics of college.
I guess that was a smooth move.

Act II: The Hobbit + Me

For most of the year,
I thought she like hated me.
Royally hated me.
Like, "If I could, I would alter this
Kid's grades to make her barely pass" hate.
But I think she likes me.
Because we're pretty much polar opposites.
I'm pessimistically sarcastic
And the woman is just so positive.
And it's sort of interesting.
She seems to dislike the kids that are
Like her: the optimistic ones and the one that
Is always cheerful, yet brown-noses.
I don't know if I'm being too harsh or
Whatever, but deal with it.

Act III: Watchmen

It is a really good graphic novel.
Not that I've read many,
But it's really good from
What I've read
And I'd honestly rather be reading it now
Than the "Rime of the Mariner."
But some of the animation is just ridiculous.
Like the random melting faces,
And the naked blue man,
And the weird noises people make when
Reacting...
But it's really good.
So far all I gathered is:
"The comedian is dead."
Naked blue man can't stay as one person.
Silk Spectre got raped.
Rorschach beats the crap outta people.
And the Soviets are involved...

It's all good though.

Haven't Felt so Good In A Long While

Dear Cave-boo,

I totally changed your nickname.
Deal with it. =]

About last night...
That was amazing.
And not just physically.
I haven't felt that awesome
In so long,
Mostly because I'd feel so down
I'd ignore my magnesium intake
And that'd send me even further down.

But yesterday I felt awesome.
Because (I think) I'm special again
To someone
That I think is pretty cool and special.
And not just in a physical way.
You're just generally awesome.

Happy Purim (whatever that's about).

Xoxo,
JoJo

Things That Are the Equivalent of Sex

I figured I write a funny blog for once,
Not another poem laced with bitterness
And irateness and general anger.

I'm trying to focus on the good things in life.
Like root beer and sugar highs
And sugar comas.
The feeling you get when someone says
Something so indescribably special-making
That you're in a good mood all day.
Nutella with whipped cream on waffles
Sounds delicious.
The rush you get when one of your favorite
Songs from one of your favorite
Bands is featured in a really-good-looking movie.
The rush you get from a phone call from
Someone kinda awesome.

Those are the things keeping me sane
Right now.
Keep them coming!

Being Tired Isn't Fun

This tidbit might sound more like an acid trip
Than actually being tired.
But I swear I'm tired.

So last night,
I'm staying up until midnight
(Again)
Writing (another) essay.
No face time, barely any IMing.

In my frustration,
I started yelling at Elizabeth Bennet,
Lydia Bennet, the Sons of Liberty,
and the Red Coats.
Because I had a history and English essay to write.

Then I went to bed at midnight
And couldn't sleep until one.

I so did not want to wake up
This morning.
Because of the history and theology
Tests I had to take.

Then the rooms changed colors.
From grey to yellow to red
To blue...
It was scary.

Me being tired is not a good thing.

I Like Chili

My mind is frying
Due to all the tests I take,
All the essays I write,
And all the stress I'm under.
And because of the fact that
I'm getting zero face time
This weekend because I
have three tests on Monday.

Dearly beloved, I don't wish
This on any of you.
Even the beloved that I don't like.
I like all my beloved but
Some of them annoy from time to time.

Sitting around, trying to get the first
Page of a 4-page essay over with
Before my violin recital, I decided
To download a CD.

I bet you're waiting for something
Completely profound, like how
Procrastination puts my life on hold.
But that's not the case.

And yeah, there's nothing profound
About me downloading a CD.

And there's nothing profound about the title either.

I just like chili.

Potato Potato

Dear My Best Friend,

I take full liberty of the fact
That you don't read
My blog.

This is everything I'd tell you,
If only you had more time for me.

We talked today for a bit.
You talked all about yourself.
You didn't ask about how I was.
For all you know,
Could be depressed,
Cutting myself,
Wanting to die,
Puking up the contents of my stomach,
Snorting coke while smoking weed,
Etc.

Lucky for you, I'm not doing any of those things.
But what if I was? And I needed you?
You wouldn't be there.
Those emails I sent you?
You never responded.
You didn't ask how I was.
I doubt you'd care.

I mean, you've been through high school already.
What's it matter to you?
The silences tonight?
I was kinda waiting for you to ask
"So how've you been?"

But even if you did ask,
I prolly wouldn't say much.
There's no need.
I mean, you'd read and it'd be
Just so goddamn boring.
Because life is ACTUALLY GOOD
for once since we broke up.
And if you do read this,
I hope you know that.
And I made that happen
Without your help
Or you awareness.

Sincerely,
That dumb Polish bitch who still goes to Loyola

Sick Freaking Puppy (Donde Esta Mi Ego?)

PMS really sucks.
For the dudes who read this blog,
I'm really sorry that you have to read this.
But you can spare yourselves that by ignoring this
Entry and reading tomorrow's.

But it sucks.
My mood swings and I started crying
For no reason. Well there was a reason.

I'm really really concerned for everything
To be perfect between me and Caveman,
especially after the failure of October 25th.
And the pain I felt afterward.
I want everything to be perfect from my end.
And not in that "everything is all right" kind of perfect.
The kind of perfect that there is still a sense of
Security when things aren't going ideally.

I know that sounds like gibberish
And Caveman, if you read this, please
Please PLEASE don't feel pressured to live up
To any form of expectation.
As corny as this sounds,
I like you the way you are.
You don't need to be like anyone else.
I just want us to work out really well, you know?

Wow I am totally PMSing,
But that's what's going through my head.
And I love the people who have to deal with it
Very much. I also feel bad for them that they have to deal
With me like this.

Happy Monday!

Last night,
It was technically Monday,
I received happy news that there would be no school.

And that is very happy news for many reasons.
The main one being that I don't have to recite the
Speech I memorized for speech class for another week.

And also I get to hang out with Poofy Hair and
Shenaynay and maybe even Taniqua.
Maybe Caveman too but that's a lot of Caveman for one week.

But snow is fun.
And I made breakfast for myself this morning.
Cream cheese and jam and toast and juice is always good.

I weighed myself this morning too.
And I'm absolutely baffled because I'm pretty skinny
Yet weigh the same as I did when I was relatively fat.

I sort of want to see a doctor about it,
Because it's impossible that it's all boob and ass weight.
Although it totally could be.

But I have no ass anymore...

Foreshadowing?

I just realized how trippy my dreams are.
This one started off as Lord of the Rings...
Where teams of everyone I know are broken up
Into teams of nine: 4 people you like, 5 you don't.
So I was ringleader of my team.
Mine consisted of Poofy Hair, Caveman, Best Friend, Just Fabulous,
Principessa Bella Diva, Asshat, PBD's parents, and myself.
So we're in this huge ass hotel outside of Mordor,
Waiting go skiing.
If you don't recall correctly from Peter Jackson's movies,
Mordor is a firey, desert wasteland.
So the other teams are there is a huge
Lavish lobby where everyone is congregating.
Food gets put out for everyone to eat.
On the menu: buffalo chicken wings, jelly beans, cookies,
"Cheesecrack" (aka cheesecake), yellow rice, beans, chicken,
And more.
I'm digging in with my team and then the elevator announces
That someone else's team is going up to the top
Floor to ski.
On the top floor, is Sauron's firey eye.
So no skiing there.
As we are enjoying our meal of cheesecrack and chicken,
I look across the lobby and see penguin-looking people
Being hosed down after swimming in the
Radioactive ocean with the killer whales.
A whale fell outta the sky and destroyed Los
Angeles earlier that day after the sky turned a
Pea soup color with red streaks.
Then the elevator called for my team.
And it was one spacious elevator, sort of the size of my
Apartment building's first floor.
So we're standing there, watching the floor numbers
Get larger and larger and the temperature get hotter
And hotter. We were going to be burned to a crisp.

See, I'm one of those kids
That doesn't wake up BEFORE they die.
I had to watch myself burn to a crisp.
Then I woke up.

And found out that my favorite tavern burned to the ground during the night.

My Dream Last Night

So I wake up and my day starts off as usual.
I check my email, eat a fiber bar, do some makeup,
And then I'm lazy.
On my facebook, I get an event invite
To a super fancy party
From someone who I didn't think ever wanted to throw
A super fancy party.

So I'm thinking "YAY PARTY!"
But then, just like last night,
I'm sitting in my jeans and a bra deciding what to wear
The next day.
Nothing came up, so my mom asks me to go get her some milk
For the next day.

I throw on a coat and run to Gristedes
To buy some milk.
She never told me what type so I bought three types of milk.
And I also ran into my math teacher
Who asked me to do her a favor
And go get something from Guitar Center.

I didn't know what she wanted from Guitar Center,
But I ran over there anyway.
And wow was I surprised.
Guitars were on sale...for five bucks a Fender.
So I look at them all and buy one
For five bucks a Fender.

So then I sprint back to Gristedes,
And give my math teacher a Fender.
She was happy.
I then bought the milk my mom wanted.
She was happy too.

Then Poofy Hair calls me and invites me to her house.
I didn't know if I should go,
But it was a lazy day
So I went. I told her about the fancy party
And she wanted to go to
On this lazy day.

So we go get some makeup from Sephora,
Where we run into Caveman,
Who is buying himself a straightener.
We both tell him about the super fancy party.
He's hesitant but decides to go with us.
We buy the straightener and go to
The super fancy party.

At the super fancy party in Uptown Manhattan,
I take off my coat.
And all this time...

I was in a bra and jeans.

Then I woke up.

Yay Supplements

No more mood swings (hopefully).
Just some stress of SAT (unfortunately).
Seeing cute people every weekend,
every day (happily).
Listening to techno music (dance-ily).
Stop cheating on rock music (regretfully).

Rock Bottom Again

Like The Offspring,
"All in all it's not so bad."

It really isn't.
I had to support myself,
like a single mother in high school,
Through that really hard break-up
That, of course, no one seemed to agree with.

And once again.
I have to support myself through
A "complicationship" that no one seems to agree with.
Well since there's another person involved,
I guess there's mutual support.

But still.
I'm alone again.
Well, third-party observers with no interest in the matter support me.

And that's all I need.
Righ?

No Poem Today, Just a Random Survey

001. Real name → Joanna L******i
002. Nickname(s)- Jo, HoJo, JoJo, Laddy, Skank..idk what else.
003. Zodiac sign → Gemini
004. Male or female → Female
005. Elementary → OLP
006. Middle School → OLP
007. High School - Loyola
008. Hair color → Dark brown
009. Long or short → Medium
010. Loud or Quiet → Somewhere in the middle
011. Sweats or Jeans - Both
012. Phone or Camera - Both
013. Health freak → When I feel like I'm getting fat xD
014. Drink or Smoke? → Meh.
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yeah
016. Eat or Drink → Food tastes good.
017. Piercings → 2
018. Tattoos → Never

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane→ yes
020. Been in a relationship → yes
021. Been in a car accident → Yes
022. Been in a fist fight → Maybe...I don't remember

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → 5
024. First best friend: Carlos in pre-school
025. First award → Prolly something for grades
026. First crush → *No comment*
028. First big vacation → Poland at like...4

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to → Kayleigh
030. Last person you texted → Paul
031. Last person you watched a movie with → Myself
032. Last food you ate→ Fiesta mix
033. Last movie you watched → Eastern Promises
034. Last song you listened to → Where Is the Line by Billy Talent
035. Last thing you bought → Some weird rice and chicken shit that tasted good
036. Last person you hugged → Mom

FAVES:
037. Food → Anything warm colored
038. Drinks → Water, ginger ale, and root beer
039. Clothing → Undies
040. Flower → Anything pretty
042. Color-> Anything but warm colors
043. Movies → Too many to name
044. Subjects → Science, math, music, and art

IN 2008..... I
045. [x] kissed someone
046. [x] celebrated Halloween
047. [x] had your heart broken
048. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone
049. [x]someone questioned your sexual orientation
050. [] came out of the closet
051. [] gotten pregnant
052. [] had an abortion
053. [x] done something you've regretted
054. [x] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [x] met someone who changed your life (not necessarily in a good way)
058. [x] pretended to be sick
059. [x] left the country
060. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [] ran a mile
063. [x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [x] got into an argument with your friends
065. [x] Hated someone
066. [] stayed single the whole year

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating -> Nothing
068. Drinking → Nothing
069. I'm about to → ...no idea
070. Listening to → Music
071. Plans for today → Homework, violin, working out, talking to people

072. Waiting for → No idea

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → YES
074. Want to get married? → Yes
075. Careers in mind → Bio engineer

WHICH IS BETTER WITH A BOY/GIRL?
076. Lips or eyes → Eyes
077. Shorter or taller?→ Taller
078. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
079. Nice looks or personality → Both
080. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive
081. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts → I lost my glasses at a concert and found them
084. Snuck out of your house → In Poland.
085. Held a gun/knife for self defense → No.
086. Killed somebody → No.
087. Broken someone's heart → Probably.
088. Been arrested → Nope.
089. Cried when someone died → Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself → Maybe
091. Miracles → Sometimes
092. Love at first sight → No.
093. Heaven → I wonder sometimes.
094. Santa Claus → Yeah
095. Sex on the first date → No.
096. Kiss on the first date → Depends.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → In the current state of my mood, I want to be alone.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → If only my mom gave me my supplement back I'd be able to answer that rationally.
099. Do you believe in God → Yeah, but I wonder if He believes in me.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people→ 10? eh

Apathy and Anger

I don't know if it's my mood swings
Or if I'm legitimately angry at you,
But I'm going with the latter.

You know how we had that conversation
About you not snuffing out our relationship
And how your not purposefully ignoring me?

And remember that other conversation where you consider
Me one of your closest friends?
Just so I wouldn't grill you about being busy and collegiate?

If that's really the case, why don't reply to my emails?
Why don't you IM me from time to time?
Or drop me a line? Or text?

Is it because I'm just some stupid high school ex-girlfriend?
Am I asking too much? I'd like to think, as "one of your closest
Friends," I'm still part of your life somehow.

And that stupid ex comment, I know I am.
Because you're never going to read this.
And it honestly pains me to admit that to myself.

I don't talk about you at all anymore.
There's nothing to talk about except what happened
Four months before and earlier.

It's closing up on a year of "what could've been."
And I'm sure you don't care.
You know what? Neither do I. It's just in my head all the time.

My throat is closing up writing this
Because I don't know if I seriously hate you
Or if I'm just pissed because of mood swings.

You know I hate not caring and how stressed it makes me.
It's the hardest thing for me.
But you know what else?

I
Don't
Care.
Not in the slightest.

I don't even feel like updating you on
Things that are going on in my life.
There's no point.

By the I finished, you would've been like
"Oh g2g, *insert activity*" or just get up and leave.
But I'm the one getting up and leaving.

Talk to you...never?

Vanilla Hands

Waking up the morning...
A lot of my poems start off that way,
Don't they?

Anyway,
I woke up this morning,
With a weird tingly feeling in my fingers.

So I went to my bathroom,
And got my nice vanilla-scented hand soap,
And washed my hands.

I then sat down at my computer,
And inspired by one of the Actress's pics,
decided to look through my own middle school pics.

Honestly--
The amount of "emo" and "goth" that oozes out of them
And out of my past style
Is best left in those pictures.

I know I was too big to pull off the look,
But I thought I totally rocked it.
I could totally rock it now,
But what's the point?

Sure the hair is awesome.
But it takes more effort than I would
EVER want to commit to my appearance.

I believe in looking good.
Not looking like something that only looks good in pics.
So those pics are best left as pics.

And no, they won't be posted on facebook
Or MySpace (where they probably belong).

I don't look like that anymore.
The only way you can see them is if you come to my house.
And chill.

Guitar Stores Never Lose Their Charm

Neither do acoustic guitars.
Neither does singing.
Neither does wandering around doing nothing.

Well, not exactly doing nothing.
But in most rational minds it's considered nothing.
But in my mind, I think it was awesome.

I can't play guitar.
I can't sing.
But that's why there are awesome people
That can do everything I can't do.

And differences make life fun
And interesting, so I'm not complaining that
I can't do everything. So whatever.

Yay excitement.

My Luck, My Ego, and I

So today I went to speech class scared shitless.
Not fun.

Teacher forgot that I had to give a speech.
Fun.

Giving a performance with someone tomorrow.
Maybe fun?

Partner doesn't know his parts.
Not fun.

Seeing cute guy after the tournament.
Really fun.

Waking up at like 6 tomorrow.
Not fun.

Shortened school days all week next week.
Fun?

Lent starts next week too.
Not fun.

Not being able to eat meat every Friday for forty days not counting Sundays?
SUCKS!

Music That Might As Well Be Instrumental

Usually when people listen to music,
The lyrics make them sad.
When I sometimes listen to music,
The melody breaks my heart.
And, as for most people, when I listen to music,
The lyrics and melody break my heart.

But it's usually mostly the melodies.
Usually melodies that are perfect and
I can't find anything wrong with them.
The ones that can't get stuck in your head
Because they're so complex.
Yet so perfect.

Perfect is a pretty depressing word.

It Can Only Get Better

It's Wednesday and it's raining
and I am fucking pissed off.
It's Wednesday and it's pouring
and I am pretty freaking annoyed.
I hope you shit, shit, shit yourself
Because I'll never talk to you again.

There's a speech tournament and
once again I'm pissed off.
There's a speech tournament and
once again I'm pissed off.
I'd rather be making out
Hot, sick, nasty making out
Just so I don't have to do that again.

Hello, Pessimism

Okay, so this is probably the first entry in weeks that I haven't written in verse. But I need to find some way of channeling my pessimism.

Stuff on my mind right now:

• Saturday's speech competition
• Not hanging out until have the SAT
• Relationships
• Grades
• College

If you can find some negative, non-optimistic aspect of those things, you can guarantee that that's where my mind is right now. And it's not fun.

Like part of the reason I can give such good advice is that I can see the ridiculously pessimistic side of all things and figure "HEY! The bright side is the complete opposite." Yes, I know, it's such a shocker. But that bright never seems to resonate in my head ever. It's all "blah you won't get anything remotely good on the SAT" or "your 'friend' will ditch you Saturday" or "he totally has someone aside from you." Yeah, it's pretty bad.

As you might be thinking, I put all this shit online because, unless I ask someone to read it, no one does. Well, I know two people that check the blog regularly. But the poems put them in such like entry-lag that there's probably no point.

There's no point in checking my cell phone, email, or AIM either. I like talking to people, but the real question is "do people like talking to me?" I hope they do, but ugh.

My pessimism has no limits.

Depressing-ish Things

I'm really worried, because for whatever
Reason when things start going right I need
To reminisce about the things that did
Not work out, and that's a pretty big list.

I'm happy but I'm sad, this really odd
Contradiction's really bad, I can think
Another way, but I think the happy
Is here to stay.

Like that Green Day song, "I'm a walking
Contradiction and I ain't go no right."

So I told that boy the story of why
Me and this guy aren't friends at this time,
It ended up being long and I'm sure
I disclosed more than what's considered healthy.

I went to the nursing home and a lady died,
I didn't know much about her but I fed her
Everytime. She had Alzheimer's so she
Didn't remember much.

Like Flogging Molly, "I'm doing my best
Hell, I'm doing all I can."

I'm just a girl who wants to be loved
Not just by her friends, but by everyone,
So two weekends from now there'll be a get-
Together and we'll all have fun just like
Last time.

Green 17

So we listened to music, the red-
Head and I, standing in the middle
Of the crowd.

The first band was alright, the sec'nd was not,
But people danced and cheered before the main band
Came on.

In about two minutes it got mad crazy.

She got punched in the back, I lost my glasses.

Everyone thrashed and moshed around.

I protected her back so that she would not get hurt.
I'm sure I got another concussion.

The crazy college boys with their beer-filled
Brains started fighting like mad, drunk Irishmen.

Crowd control was a useless thing since we fell
Down all over. I got punched in the head
And my stomach really hurt, but the music
Was the greatest thing. My friend and I
Retreated to the left side, to get some air.
That weird drunk chick followed us over there,
But then she disappeared again.

For the band was fantastic, playing tunes,
Half of which I didn't know the words to,
Me and she danced along, like the rest of
The mob. And then we had a fun sleepover.

A Fail-entine's Poem (by Jess)

Jo threw a bash
So begins our tale.
The loss of love
Is our epic fail.
We start with Jo
Who drives the guests over hurdles.
She introduced South Park
And later humping turtles.
We have Eric, Kyle, Stan,
And Kenny too.
They sang songs and said fuck
And what would Brian Boitono do?
Paul was there
And he has great hair.
Jo gave Paul a pat.
She forced Paul to sit
As she played with it
And quickly changed all that.

(Much love to the Failentine's 2009 crew <3)

In My PJs on a Friday Morning

I woke up at eight o'clock this morning,
Thinking "fuck I gotta go to the home
Today." Another day with my best friend.
That girl with the red poofy hair who has
A boyfriend that stole my freaking birthday.

And here I am, watching Juno at 9 AM
Chatting with my fave alum in my PJs.

I've been prepping emotionally
I won't crash tomorrow randomly,
Because I hate when people see me cry.
And tomorrow is Fail-entine's once used
To make people feel all right, but that's not
The case at all with me.

So here I am watching AVP Requiem,
Thinking of how cool aliens can be.

Mmmyeah.

Hey you, I finally found a poem
To write for you. And I'm kinda scared what you'll
Think of it, being so public, you know?

Like you're really sweet and you're so corny.
But it's cute and refreshing and makes an
Ass like me smile a lot (like a girl.)

Um like seriously, you make me giggle.
And I don't admit that often (if at all.)
It's because I don't wanna get hurt, which...

Well, I think most people can relate to,
But I think that you're pretty freaking cool.
And I hope you don't mind that this
Sits here on my blog, waiting to be read.

Speech Fail

I've got confidence enough to laugh
All you people off and throwing care away.
I trip up stairs and say dumb crap to amuse
Myself and flirt to make everyone feel good.

In general, you're the only one that
Should ultimately matter in your life.

My confidence draws people like a magnet,
I can't seem to turn that charm button off.
But hopefully I'm charming the people I
I want to charm. I think I'm succeeding.

A song: "Sometimes I think the stupidest
Things." That's quite true. At least too often for me.

Parties of the Rich and "Famous"

I was invited to last night's party.
I was invited. Me and my ego.
My ego told me that I looked quite pretty.
My camera seemed to disagree.

My ego told me that my dress fit in.
The Waldorf-Astoria said otherwise.
The party hall was quite huge and lavish.
That party was worth more than my building.

In spite of my inferiority,
I had tons of fun with my new friend set.
That party will be hard to beat, the best so far.
Also the only so far. It had EVERYTHING.

Confetti rained down toward the end of it,
Male and female dancers were hired to
Get kids dancing on the sparkly dance floor.
Most people danced, some even hooked up.

Public hook ups like that aren't my
Thing since I've been a third wheel for a year.
But the dancing with people was muy fun.
I can't wait for the next party...even if it's
Not as lavish as the one last night.

Urban Trash

Can't find anywhere else to hook up and
Have no decency for privacy.
You get what you want when you want it and
You have to be sure not to burn the Great Lawn.

All you guys do is get higher and higher
Until you reach a ceiling and fall down.

Kids like us are rarely wrong, rarely caught.
Who knows what in hell, morals aren't chic.
The fewer clothes you wear, more popular
And the more influential you become.

Priorities, what the fuck are those?
You don't really need them cause you have drugs.

Writing poems in Spanish class rather
Than reading some cruddy short story about
Five little kids on the run from bullies
Who throw rocks and live in a refugee camp.

I'm bored out of my mind, writing random
Lines while thinking about really cute people.

I'm staring at my old Euro Hist. teacher,
Wondering if she's pregnant or not skinny.
She could be either at the same time, but I don't
Care. The woman never liked me anyway.

I Don't Know About You Guys

I could've taken that quiz today,
Because I studied, obviously not like you.
The extra day on the essay we all
Could've used, and that's where I agreed.

Am I stupid? Yeah, I think so.
I doubt you guys would agree with me.

Getting random texts in the middle of
The day from sick friends and other friends,
My text life is starting to come back, yay!
But being a lady still isn't fun.

Sitting, listening to techno music.
Is that stupid? Prolly 'cause work is hard.

The crowds overrule the individuals.
All the time. Yet, soloists make changes.
I'm no revolutionary, but you know what?
I think it'd be pretty freaking rad.

My Text Life Has Gotten Pretty Dull

My fingers used to get all the exercise they wanted.
My heart would leap every time I texted.
And now there's no excitement
When my phone's in my pocket.

Oh well, whatever, got to keep going.
Like a freaking energizer bunny.

Sitting in my dean's office,
Can't believe I had to address all her thank you notes.
If only I got thank you notes
For all the awesomeness I do.

Not that she does anything, but whatever.
Got to keep being the energizer bunny.

And now I have to write a modest proposal.
You know what's the best proposal?
Not writing it at all.
That would solve a LOT of issues.

Stop Getting Sick, For Cereal!

When you read this bit of blog poetry,
I hope you know that it's about you.
Theology class is really boring,
Just because you're not sitting next to me.

The English teacher spent the day away,
She might've taken a snow day.

I had double Curry today for English,
Teacher bitched us out in Spanish,
Only one who did a problem in calculus,
And watching a Christmas concert video.

The girl sitting next to me fell asleep in class,
I think she wanted to take a snow day.

Brainstorming a poem for someone
Is the hardest thing to do.
How not to sound corny,
How not to be too sincere.

Can I give it to you
After we hang out
So then perhaps there might be
Something really sweet and cute to write about?

I'm so happy it's not Wednesday
Because then I would really want a snow day.

Welcome to My Life

No this won't be another bad emo song,
One that was written in 2004
By a really bad Canadian band
Also known as Simple Plan.

So on my way home, from my high school,
I saw this pretty lady with
Pretty bitching shoes.
I wanted to ask her, where she got them,
But I didn't cause I thought it'd be rude.

Earlier last night, my best girl friend had
Fallen off a chair and almost broke her leg.
I felt sorry, so I visited her.
We laughed about stupid reality TV shows.

And before that, I was in English class,
My English teacher told me to shut up
Because I, for once, did my homework,
And therefore knew all of the answers.

So right now I'm sitting doing homework,
Studying for a test I prolly will not fail.
And my mind is zipping to a thousand places.
I'm starting to wonder if it will
Ever settle down.

Same Old Attitude Problem

You're lyrics are clever like another genius.
All the hate mail you get is a product
Of teen angst and corporate jealousy.
Keep pumping albums and I'll keep buying.

To be successful one needs to keep the same
Old attitude problem with new flair.

Monotony kills, go crazy, go wild.
Stand on a building, scream "fuck it" for people
Below to hear and to be inspired.
Do what you want and want what you do.

All it takes is an attitude problems.
Put on some makeup, take off some clothes.

Kiss your best friend, kiss a hobo,
Kiss a homo, kiss a toddler,
Kiss your worst enemy...on the cheek.
Kiss your parents, kiss a grandpa.
Kiss your cranky neighbor nicknamed Wanda.

All it take is your favorite old attitude
Problem with new clothes, new makeup and new flair.

"Hurry, Hurry; You've got my head in such a flurry,flurry"

Dear People Who Bother Reading This Crap,

I feel like I'm growing distant. Like, the line between PMS and pissed off is really starting to blur. And the list of people I tell everything to is growing shorter as well. Well, the one person I do is almost getting kicked off it because he is really busy being a college kid and it makes me sad. And I know it is really really easy to say "oh mah gawd, he's not your bf, let him be." Well, you tell me how easy it is to not talk to your favorite person everyday or really often.

Another dead weekend going by. Four hours killed by a practice test (though I actually think I did well on it). I am just hoping that nothing "exciting" happens because when something exciting does, it is usually not in my favor and just makes me stressed out.

My goal for the semester is to straighten my social life out because it gets more complicated than my mind can handle (yes, smart people can crack sometimes). It has sort of plateaued, I guess. It needs to plateau a little more.

Sincerely,
Me

Closure (My First Sonnet)

Standing on the railway platform,
I thought that day when you would leave
Would not arrive. We had prepped for the storm.
Little I knew that I was so naïve.
Those first three weeks were very hard.
There were no seconds when I stopped thinking
Of you. My friends helped me cover the scars,
But the next three months were really daunting.
Though I left you and you would still call me,
Wounds I ne’er touched would be reopened. I saw
Pictures online; I’d cry myself silly.
My friends would take me to a mental spa.
I met some people who think I’m cool
Without you, with them, I act like a fool.

(I know it sucks, but whatever. It's for school).

"You Can Feel My Lips Undress Your Eyes"

Dear Reader(s),

This is the...third day in a row I believe that I am posting a blog entry instead of doing homework. I have no idea if this is a horrifically bad habit or not, but I'm sure my random rants amuse you.

So...today's rant: effort. Is it JUST me, or are there some subjects where it seems like the less effort you put into it, the higher your grade is? Like my English class...I rush-studied for my latest essay test because I really wanted to watch Tool Academy. Then I take the test, and I get like an A+.

If only calc worked that way. I really like calc though. This semester, it's like a puzzle. I like puzzles...but cool ones, like sudoku that involve lots of numbers. Then again, after a quarter with calculus, you eventually forget how to count and add numbers, so sudoku and calc have nothing to do with each other.

Well it's coming that time (dinner), that I should really start getting work done.

Sincerely,
Joanna

What I Do Instead of Study For Tests I'll Most Likely Get An 80 On...

Dear Music fans and people who need to look through my iPod (CAVEMAN),

I downloaded two CD's today.
And am listening to them. So the background music to my calculus test will be something between "Katherine kiss me" and "today we will be demons." In other words, indie rock and death techno. Yes, I am amusing.

And in the meantime, I still have to write a theology mini-essay and study for this test. But I am stupid and have no priorities...I know, I'm so cool.

But start listening to Franz Ferdinand and Combichrist. They are SO GOOD! But not necessarily when shuffled together.

Xoxo,
Joanna

"Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla"

Dear Reader(s),

I like folk music. It's so addictive. Like Ieva's polka. I really want to learn it in Finnish, even though I don't know where one word ends and another begins. It's kind of like German...not really because some people can hear and translate German really easily even without learning it. Like "ich habe ein buch." All you gotta know is that "ch" is pronounced like the "ch" in "loch" and you're good.

I really should be writing my AP US DBQ but pssssh to that. Although, it does count as part of my test...

Teaching is a hysterical profession. It'd be eternally amused if I was one.

Sincerely,
Me

"The House By My Deli"

Dear Frenchwoodites,

Parties are super duper fun. In general. The best ones are with really cool people and lots of music, sugary goodness, and love. Ice cream in winter? Crazy, yes. Delicious, yes. Stupid, no. We went from going to Uno's, then buying like really cheap pizza, then raving in my room. So much fun stuff.

I really really love you guys. Like, I don't even go to Frenchwoods, but you people are awesome! We really need to convene more often so we can have more fun, more parties, and maybe actually have a sit-down dinner that's not pizza. Even though it was delicious.

Heehee we should be total spring-breakers and party it up like every other day. But we'd prolly get sick of each other...but then we party some MORE! We should get a different flavor of ice cream everytime.

Sounds good?

Xoxo,
Joanna

You're SO FUNNY! (Not Really)

Dear Readers,

You know the phrase "adding insult to injury"? Well, it's been proving so true recently. It's been proving true since the break up. That was bad enough, but everything following hasn't made it any better.

I know I'm pretty. I know I'm smart. People tell me I'm the nicest person ever. Some others say I'm really annoying. But seems like nothing's been working out besides school. But school always worked out. It's not like it's so really "HOLY SHIT!" thing that school works out for me.

Today was half-fun, half-adding-insult-to-injury. Well party/ hangout got canceled because half the people didn't know which weekend the thing was taking place. So yeah. But making smores and playing sims and talking about randomness with my friend was fun. The taxi ride...wow I've never experienced anything that made me so angry, sad, grateful, annoyed, depressed, and frustrated all at the same time.

The driver, inadvertently, took me down the same path my best friend would take me when he still had his car and when we were still together.

Even though it was dark, I remembered every landmark: the turkish place, Esposito pork deli, Scott J hair salon, etc. I even saw the street where we shared our first kiss. I mean, sure I'm over him, but it was positively HORRIBLE to see those places again. I'm really happy I'm not video logging this cuz tears are streaming down my face.

I've never felt so alone in my whole life.

Sincerely,
Me

"Who said unbroken happiness
Is a bore, is a bore?
Who said it, my love?
I don't mind it anymore, anymore
And I reach out a hand over your side of the bed
Pull that blanket over your shoulders exposed to the night
And the hunger of those early years will never return
But I don't mind, I don't mind"
-Ion Square by Bloc Party

Wanderings Through the Land of Music

Dear Readers (If There Are Any),

Music is a wonderful thing.
It's really nice to have songs for everything. I've got American Idiot for practically everything. My vast collection of techno music for homework or going to school. I have way too much techno music. Over half my iPod is techno. Well not half, but it's guaranteed on shuffle that techno will pop up.

I've also discovered a new appreciation to old music. I still don't like 80's rock, but anything from the 70's is pretty cool. Like Plastic Bertrand. AC/DC sounds good too. I'm jumping a bit late on this whole like oldies hard rock scene, but I really don't care. I'm having fun. All the new stuff that comes out almost all sounds the same. I don't mean new CD's from old bands. I mean new bands. I am so skeptical of the "myspace band." Half of them are the same long-haired guys screaming about nothing...or maybe there is some message and I just don't understand it. Some really do stick out, but not a lot.

Right now, I'm listening to Andrew W.K. I'm slowing falling out of my techno phase and need cool stuff to listen to. Got suggestions?

Hugs,
Me

The Beat (Some Stuff I Feel Like Sharing So As Not to Give Mixed Signals)

• Thesis: I want a relationship.

• Specifics: Not open, not "HOLY GOD I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" Something cool, fun, and not so serious.

• Why? Open relationships are weird to me, I don't feel like being a whore and doing everyone, so I'm just flirting and seeing what'll happen.

• Plan: Flirt with people, find someone totally awesome that I can see myself being silly with, friends with, romantic with, and fun with.

• What I want: Someone who can and can't live without me and vice versa. A person that'll give me chocolate or whatever just because it's today. A person I can bitch to and they can bitch to me. Tons of trust would be sweet too. Just something cute and friendly and something everyone feels special in.

• What I Don't Want: No love stuff until later...like really later. I don't wanna hurt anyone and I don't wanna get hurt just because of junior year and a lack of time. I want happiness, but not something that can lead to a lot of pain...not yet, at least. Oh yeah, no cheating.
  

Just getting that out there. Me and K talked today and I started feeling like either I was investing myself too much with someone or I was leading them on. I wonder if they'll read this.

At first, it was really easy to say "no dating until college." I think what I meant was no super-serious heavy relationships until then. I'd like to retain some sanity. And I don't wanna drive anyone else crazy either. I really just wanna feel special. I want the tingly butterfly feeling in the stomach at the mention of a person's name again. And kissing the same person over and over again is fun. I don't really get a kick out of kissing multiple people. Cheek kisses? Sure. Constant make outs with multiple people? SLOW down. I'm a really relationship-y person. Some people say it's bad, others think it's cute. I care about people way too much. Seriously. You have a problem, I will prolly feel bad even if I half-hate you (I can't really hate people...that's a "problem").

I love how I have something to rant about every week...OH BY THE WAY!

I might try a video-log (no vlog bullshit) next entry. I hope it works >.<

Short Entry Due to Midterms, Speech, and SAT Prep

I realized that:

Girls learn a lot from the people that don't return their calls/texts, the assholes that cheat, and the douches that flake on their own dates. But, they learn even more from the people they love that don't love them back or fail to care whatsoever.

Time Goes Totally Askew When You Can't Sleep

So last night, for whatever reason, I could not sleep. I tried lying down in at least ten different poses and none of them worked. My heart was POUNDING whenever I tried to finally fall asleep. It was odd.

Sleep amuses me. When you get enough, you seem groggier the next day. When you don't get enough, you seem hyper and more energetic. Does that happen to anyone? It happens to almost everyone I know.

It's a new year and I'm starting to slightly revert to some of the bad attitudes I've had earlier. And it's bad. And I'm starting to go back to the worst one: the body image problems. I watch What Not to Wear, and they help people that in most eyes would be seen as less-than beautiful more gorgeous than the stereotypical beauties. And then there's a fitness ad that demolishes all that. Perfect abs, created by a medicine ball? Sure, it sounds totally absurd, and I tell myself that. I know first hand that solid exercise without diet adjustment doesn't work. But there's that little nagging feeling of how much I really want that. And at the same time, I know that I don't have anymore weight to lose. Well, I do (holy God, I need to stop thinking that) but I look fine. I'm pretty sure most of my weight is in muscle and boobs.

And another bad attitude: I won't find someone to love. I'm ready to date, but not so much ready for anything super-serious. Nothing like what me and my best friend had, not yet at least. I want something fun. Something that makes both people feel special, but still fun. And people have been saying "love you" and "ily" and I'm pretty sure it's in the friendship way, because I know that when I say it, it is in the friendship way. And I don't say it to everyone.

So now, I'm going to go exercise my grogginess off.

Happy New Year =]

After many hours of brainstorming, here are my resolutions =]

1) Workout at least 15 minutes a day

2) Be a friend to everyone

3) Get into college

4) Survive junior year

5) See my best friend

6) Wear less makeup and more often