"Things Have Changed For Me, But That's Okay" (Reflection)

It's the time of year again where I sit down and think about the year. Because thinking is awesome.

Let's start off with January and hot damn, I was feeling crappy. I was still completely shell-shocked from mine and MSCBFF's breakup. Even though stuff seemed to be looking up, it couldn't really mask completely how crappy I was feeling. Spending New Year's webcamming with him and then "meeting up" a few days later really didn't help. But I guess the highlight of January was when I fell in love...with a college. I visited Brown University with my daddy. And I totally fell in love with the place. That atmosphere, the academic philosophy, the...everything. Second time in my life I found myself staring at a place where I felt I should belong. Same thing happened with my current high school, even though parts of that weren't the best. But seriously, that did not quell the stress of the school year, with midterms and whatnot. But I discovered a new batch of friends, composed of Fabulous, Caveman, Redd, Jamaica, and Papaya. Who knew eating ice cream at ten o’clock at night would be fun? But who also knew that I would be doing things I kind of swore to myself I wouldn’t. And did I mention I was taking SAT classes too? I really disliked that test. SO MUCH.

February came and I was in a much better place. The only thing that really sucked was the rain every Wednesday because I had violin lessons on Wednesday which required much walking to get to. Oh yeah and SAT classes were more boring than fun half the time. But I got my fair share of hanging out. Partying with cute people on Fail-entine's and going to my first indoor, general admission concert was awesome. Flogging Molly was so good live and I can't believe how fun it was to get the shit kicked out of me. I also started dating Caveman, who was really sweet and romantic. I wanted him to go to this fancy party with me, but it was too late. But that party was freaking fancy. It was my friend's Sweet 16 at the Waldorf-Astoria. I felt so inadequate just being there because it was so grandiose and so everything I'll never really have access to. But that didn't make me feel crappy. What made me feel crappy was the seemingly ongoing feud between me, my English class, and my English teacher. No, the class and I weren't against the teacher. We were all arguing with each other.

March seemed to be strewn with lots and lots of PMS. And lots and lots of time spent being angry at my SCBFF because he was totally MIA with his girlfriend. But aside from that, it was a pretty good month. We had a snow day so I spent the day snowing with Poofy Hair and My Twin Brother. It was fun, but of COURSE I'm the one to fall and get basically a concussion. And speaking of concussions, I went to another general admissions concert for Bloc Party. It wasn't as rough as Flogging Molly, but still awesome. I also had my first traditional St. Patty's day, but just hanging out was fun. That actually taking the SAT thing sucked a lot. I mean, it's a 6 hour test at a school that I didn't get into as an 8th grader with a drill sergeant for a proctor was pretty intimidating. But doing tons of hanging out for Pi-day was amazing. I don't remember what I did much of the rest of spring break besides go up and visit Cornell (REALLY didn't like that school, just for the record).

April seemed to be the month of back-and-forth body image issues. Like, I couldn't decided if I was content with my body or if I absolutely detested it and needed to change it. But that didn't really matter because I had Caveman who thought I was pretty. But academics really went down the shitter. My English grade was blah and the physics teacher started going down a long, dangerous slope of crazy. Like asking students if he can go to the bathroom and playing quarters in class crazy. My SAT scores didn't thrill me either, but thankfully I was able to take that frustration out on other people at the annual NYC pillow fight. It was down at Wall Street and shut down because someone had accidentally hit a police officer. It was also the what could've been anniversary of me and My SCBFF. I was kinda sad that day, but it didn't matter. Well, the sadness mattered; he didn't. I also found out that I'm allergic to Brazil nuts...the HARD way. Longest and most painful night of my life so far. Forty-five minutes of sleep, so guess who didn't go to school the next day. But that month ended on a really sad note since Poofy Hair and her boyfriend broke up...I felt really bad because it kinda hit her really hard.

They say May is the month of spring May flowers and sunshine and whatnot. For me, I felt that it was far from the opposite. AP tests and all the last-minute work teachers decide to cram in the last few weeks of school ruled my life. The Calculus AP went abysmally (or so I thought). The US History AP went really well. But after that...rough week one came. I had planned a really nice date with Caveman. He had something else in mind. Meaning, um, breaking up with me. God, I was so angry. Mostly because it sort of came out of nowhere. Because I was dumb enough to think that it would fix itself. And then One Guy decided it was a great idea to come out about his great love for me. That just made things hard. So I spent most of the week confused about that. Then rough week two came. I was still upset over Caveman, One Guy had fallen into a really deep emotional hole, and I had a ten-page paper due. Oh and this really awkward situation came up with my parents that sent me wheeling into an emotional hole. But despite all of that, I got together with One Guy. And that was awesome because of his sweetness. And despite all the finals and whatnot, the month ended on a pretty good note.

In June, it was my birthday. It was a good day, even though I had freaking SAT IIs the next day. But that's okay. I had fun anyway. We had Xbox and whatnot. I've never had so many people over at my house at any given moment. I also went on college tour, but I wasn't as impressed with the colleges as I was last year. I had a great time rooming with Alice Dork, Ms. Negative, and Innocence. Great times, like watching VH1 together and figuring out that our air conditioner got high. The highlight of June, though, was Brown. I signed up for a summer program there to take classes in Biomedical Engineering and Stem Cell Research. I was pretty nervous because of my usual persona at school of the really shy chick. But that didn't bug me. I met Spike and Live and a bunch of other great people. I liked the food, the dorms were cool...well, I'm not a reliable source on dorm life because my roommate moved out to live with her friend because of homesickness after one day. But still! I had a great time.

And the Brown experience continued into July. Except I got kind of negative again...because me and One Guy couldn't hang out for a while. Like, not a few weeks while, but more like months and years while. Yet I tried really hard to not let it get to me, but I trusted Live and Spike enough to vent about it. Which was nice. But it ended all too soon and I had to return to NYC. Back in the city, I started my first job at an anesthesiology lab. I liked my coworkers and the job was fun when I was actually doing research and watching operations. But then I got my filing/ shredding assignment. My back was aching lots. But amidst all that, I spent much time with my aunt and Papaya. We saw Green Day together. I have never embraced such an extent of fangirldom. I was screaming and jumping around like crazy. Yeah July was a great month. There was barely anything to worry about.

In August, the reality that school was rearing its ugly head returned. I got my schedule, which consisted of 4 AP classes and 2 theology classes, one of the shortest in the school. I did so much hanging out that month and seeing movie upon movie with my aunt was really really fun. Committing myself to weight loss was getting so hard because I still weighed lots but I could fit into clothes I didn't think I could fit into earlier. But whatever, I pushed through with it, trying to reach my thirty-pound weightloss goal. However, I did have one of the most fun experiences ever: poetry slam in alphabet city. Warm, stormy summer night with awesome people in a pretty sketchy neighborhood. Enough said. As much fun as I had, it was getting harder and harder to be with One Guy. His work schedule changed dramatically and the amount we talked dwindled day by day.

Yet in September, it was One Guy keeping me euphoric all the time. The small amounts we did talk kept me sane as I attacked my all-AP schedule. I usually react to stress by being obnoxious or latching onto little things that make me happy that I wouldn't normally be that excited about on a normal basis. I started internally making fun of myself...like satirically, not bullying. And I had received my first leadership position as a JETS team captain. JETS is engineering club and it was fun last year, but I wasn't the one having to organize a lot of stuff. Let's just say that the stress wasn't ending.

October seems to be cursed month for me. Last year, me and Scott broke up. This year, me and One Guy broke up. In the middle of one of the most emotional weeks of senior year: Kairos. It was the best week of my life. I had finally discovered that I wasn't as disliked as I thought I was at school. I made up with the kid that made sophomore year extremely difficult for me. And I forgave a bunch of people. And in the middle of that week, One Guy and I broke up. It wasn't exactly out of nowhere...but it was the worst moment. For reasons that I can't state here. I cried lots though. Because I was happy with him and he thought I should be happier with someone else. Part of me thinks it was a bad idea from the get-go. But what happened happened. Halloween night was fun though. Girl time with awesome people makes everything better. Even if you get rejected from a scholarship plus entry that you kind of wanted. On a happy note, I discovered that my favorite Shakespeare play is Hamlet. The fact that Jude Law was in the Broadway production has nothing to do with it, I swear!

November, I started the NaNoWriMo project. I started writing my novel about a girl with extreme OCD and germophobia. I didn't win and make it to 50,000 words, but it's a work in progress that I'm having too much fun with. I spent lots of November kind of picking myself up and I thought I had when I met JRawk, but that didn't work out. Haha, he has a girlfriend now. But I had like a cultural explosion. I saw a movie and a musical. In the Heights was incredible. The music and everything was really clever. Oh and I saw the Tim Burton exhibit at the MoMA with Alice Dork. I also chilled with Poofy Hair for her 18th birthday and that was fun. For the first time in years, I drew something. And it was really felt good to draw again. In fact, I'm drawing for my world religions final project. It's great.

And now there's December. College. College. College. College. Stats. That's what that month was about. Another theme was gay rights. Because our school was performing The Laramie Project, which has to do with the whole hate crime incident in Laramie, Wyoming with Matthew Shepard. It was a really good play, but I think my emotions focused too much that a mother lost her son than the fact that the lost son was a victim of hate crime. But it was really down month. I get deferred from Brown, my statistics grade goes downn the drain, and I had begun shutting down due to end-of-the-year angst. I also had to write the JETS final write up and spent so much time on the phone with Arizohna so that our parts can be coordinated in the project. And I also had the Christmas concert to prepare for, which was fun as hell. Wearing frilly Victorian-era dresses was silly, but awesome. And the JETS team made it to semifinals. So maybe I do have a chance at getting accepted into Brown the second time around. In spite of all the school stress I was dealing with, Christmas was good, but I did way too much school work.

That was my year. It could have gone much better. But that's what the next year is for: a new start and a change to do stuff over again. I read my horoscope today. It looked promising, so I hope so. But after all that, I think I'm happier, skinnier, and way more artistic now. And done with my college apps.



Excitement Over the Little Things (N.a.P.)

Working out always gives me a rush. Like, I go brain dead sometimes when I have a really good session. Man, I just realized how badly this sounds like a cover-up for something else, but it's not. Hooking up with someone for extending periods of time isn't as good of a workout as weight training. Unless you did it everyday perhaps...hm...I'll try that with a boyfriend once as an experiment. But then my chances of getting pregnant are higher. So maybe not.

Anyway, pay off from working out is the best. I went to American Eagle and got myself a pair of jeans. In a size 6 short. Which is awesome for me because that means I slimmed down my thighs. So now I don't have to wear baggy clothes anymore. YAY!


In Memoriam: People Who Have Died in 2009 (N.a.P.)

People I Know:
  • Irene McCormick
  • Nina (??)
  • Waldek Waszlinel
  • James "The Rev" Sullivan
  • Brittany Murphy
  • Adam Goldstein (DJ AM)
  • Billy Mays
  • Edward Kennedy
  • Farrah Fawcett
  • Jett Travolta
  • John Updike
  • Jasmine Fiore
  • Les Paul
  • Michael Jackson
  • Natasha Richardson
  • Patrick Swayze
  • Roy Disney
  • Ryan Patrick Jenkins
  • Walter Cronkite
Either people have been really paying attention, or that many famous people died this year. Either way, may they all rest in peace.

Hard To Be Curvy In a Skinny World

Skinny jeans,
Tight leggings,
Tunic dress,
Cropped jacket,
Who can keep track
Of it all?

It's kinda hard
To be curvy in a
Skinny world.

You google
"Curvy chick"
And the pics that
Come up you think
"Hot damn, I'm not
That girl."
I don't think I am
That huge.

It's kinda hard being
Curvy in a skinny world.
I'm not a rail, but
I'm not a voluminous girl.

People should
Really try
To get their
Vocabulary right.
Curvy is it's
Own thing,
Not a euphemism
For something else.


I'm Tired (R.P.)

Shit, so I fell asleep at 2 AM last night. After going to bed at 12:30. I'm so freaking tired, but anxiety wakes you up like a bomb. Like you wake up because you're so freaking stressed out. I'll try to deal. I just want this college process and midterms to be over.


Working at the Nursing Home (N.a.P.)

It's starting to get so monotonous. Like, I enjoy feeding people and whatnot, but over 20 hours there without many people to keep me company. And all the weirdness that goes on in my head in the second half of December prevents me from being my charming outgoing self. But thankfully, Arizohna was there today and we chilled lots.

I like group projects and assignments where people can get together to do stuff. It's like hanging out, but more focused. Christmas Eve was really fun at JETS. I appreciated chilling with Cats, Arizohna, and ToeTOEFL. Even though working on JETS wasn't how I envisioned spending Christmas Eve, but that's okay. Friends are always welcome.

Anniversaries (N.a.P.)

Does Christmas and the holidays seem to make people wanna jump each other's bones and start dating each other or is it just me? I mean, I'm kind of in that mode, except in a slower hugging motion so that the dude doesn't run away, but still.

But online, there are plenty of posts about "Happy insert month number here anniversary." I think it's cute, but part of me feels like being condescending about monthiversaries. So I will be. Because I feel like counting down the months you've been together makes it seem like the relationship is one some weird time frame. Like, I'm almost scared of starting anything because of "oh noez I'm graduating in 6 months, that's too short for a relationship!" Most that is being caused by periodic PMS (haha, pun) and general love paranoia. I tried ignoring the months and just keeping it general, no exact dates and whatnot. But I got wrapped up in the whole monti-whats-it and that just made me feel so inadequate.

It's taken too many boys to realize this, but it's probably best to enjoy it while it lasts and just kind of ignore the numbers. This, coming from me, sounds too hypocritical and I deeply apologize.


The Chistmas Post (N.a.P.)

Merry Christmas everyone! I got some pretty sick gifts today such as my new phone that I'm posting this from lol. But I got some other sweet stuff too.
  • Makeup: by Kat von D. For those who don't know, she's like my role model and her makeup is actually really good. The eyeshadow goes on flawlessly.
  • Perfume: Kat von D's Saint and Sinner and CK One Summer. Such great scents for lots of occasions
  • Purse: Coach. My mom wanted to get me one for my birthday, but that didn't work out so she got me mine for Christmas. It's big because sometimes I like bringing books with me and whatnot.
  • Clothes: all time favorite. My aunt has great taste.
  • Jewelry: My aunt knows what I like. She got me this awesome bracelet that's pretty bulky but very fashion forward.
  • HTC Touch Pro: ooh my God. Best gift ever. I never expected to get it for Christmas because I wanted it for my birthday. But it's the coolest thing ever. I just really hope I don't break it or anything.
I hope everyone else had an awesome Christmas. I know my cousin did. She's giving birth to a baby boy in a few months. Yay!


Hey Hey (R.P.)

Merry Christmas everyone! JETS had a Christmas miracle and I hope everyone else does too. It's a great time to feel fuzzy and get presents for people. And, of course, receive presents. Hehe.

I hope my readers have an awesome holiday!



"Skippy Peanut Butter, Skippy Peanut (BOOBS!) Skippy Butter (BOOBS! BOOBS!)"

Silly remixes
Of silly things
Have taken over my life.

My favorite so far
Is the remix of
Everything that has
Taken place in 2009
In the world.

My other favorite
Is the one about
Christian Bale's
Freaking flip out.

No one makes ranting funnier
Than actors who lose
Their cool and let
Their real accents
Hang out.


Je Ne Mange

Possibly the most
Depressing profile of
All time.

It's from a girl
With an eating disorder
And posts pics
Of girls who are way too skinny.

Since when are bones sexy
And perfect?

I'm not saying that
As a condescending thing.
But I think healthy
Is hot.

It took me so long
To learn that.
After I started
Eating well
And exercising.

I'm not going to
Start going off
About how society
Makes girls think that.

Seeing skinny girls with ribs
Sticking out.
Seeing Victoria's Secret models
In their bodily perfection.
Seeing women like Anna Kournikova
And their perfect bodies.

I'm sure it might,
To some extent.

But most insecurities
Come from within.

But I don't think
Starving yourself
Is a solution.
Because fatigue is never fun.

Hey You (Is So Catchy)

I like the cold
And wearing fuzzy
Clothes and
Listening to my iPod
And singing out loud in
The street.

I hope no one

But there's
This one song
Called "Hey You"
That's obviously a teenie
Crush song that lowers my age
By about 4 years when I sing it.

But it's okay.
I redeem myself with Mika
And the 2009 Song
And Bad Romance parody.


Baby, It's Really Freezing Outside

My hands are once again
Turning into the color
Of snow
And ice cubes
Are warmer than they are.

But the cold has a purpose.

The clouds spent all
Night snowing.
Dumping inches and inches
Of glorious snow-cone
Material on the ground.

So I woke up
At eight
And took pictures
On my new holga camera
And I can't wait
To see how they turned out.

And during all
The time I spent outside,
I kinda wanted to have
Someone standing there
With me, keeping my hands warm.

But a girl has to resort
To using gloves every
Once in a while.


Yay JETS (R.P.)

I haven't had any inspiration recently to do a real poem that won't sound too angry or whatever. Actually, there's no set feelings to write about anything linear. But my JETS team made it semifinals. Meaning that we have to make a super awesome video.

But Christmas at Loyola was the best ever. I have friends who love me :D


Christmas Concert (R.P.)

Sorry for all the random posts but it gets so late when I finally have time to post something.
BUT! The Christmas concert was successful and I got to wear and dance in a Victorian-esque poofy dress. AWESOME SAUCE.

CONGRATULATIONS to everyone involved =D


Long Day Tomorrow (R.P.)

Well. Tomorrow will be the longest day I've had so far. Actually that's not true. The JETS essay writing day was longer. But tomorrow will be long for other reasons. Of a Christmas concert nature.

Wish me luck!


It's Christmas Eve and I've Only Wrapped Two Freaking Presents

Well that's not true.
Man, do I listen to
Too much silly music.

So I get deferred
To Brown.
Which means that
I have to apply to other schools
And potentially get
Rejection letters
And have to write
Loads of essays
And stuff like that.

Merry Christmas?
It better be.


Right Now, I Am 36 Hours Away From Having the Best and Worst Week Ever

I've never felt such anticipation.
I don't think I've wanted
Anything plausible
This badly.

I'm on a hunger rampage.
I want to devour most
Food in sight
But for the sake of my unforgiving
Stomach I won't.


Laramie Project (N.a.P.)

I thought the production was great. The cast did a great job of it and the concept and execution of the concept were great. I was kind of moved by it, but I don't think by the right thing.

Most people cried at the atrocity of the murder of Matthew Shepard. I cried at the pain his parents must have gone through in losing their first born son. No parent should ever have to go through that. I probably cried because it is one of my worst fears: to lose a child. I mean, I don't personally have one, but I can imagine losing one is one of the worst pains a parent can go through.


Bah Ra-ah-ah-ah, Roma-ro-mah-mah, Ga Ga Ooh la-la

I don't want anyone's bad romance.
I want someone's good romance,
But I haven't met that someone yet.
Or maybe I have met that someone.
I don't know.

All I know is that I saw THE
Prettiest boy on the subway though.
He smiled at me with a pretty smile
And pretty tousled hair
And possibly a pretty guitar strapped
Onto his back.
And of course he was getting into
The subway while I was getting out.

But that smile totally made my day.

Little things for the win?

I think I'm starting to slowly
Become successful in being
The world's most adorable person.
But some days, I don't think I am.

Oh duality, you never cease to amaze me.


"I'm Gonna Fuck Shit Up, and I'm Ready To Blow"

A bottle or two...
Those lyrics have
Nothing to do with me.

But I'm just so tired.
I'm really close to singing
Beatles choruses.
And punching something.
And making out
With someone.

So people,
Get earmuffs,
Protective gear,
And breath mints.


I Guess I'll See You Around? (G.W.D.Y.M.M.S.L.)

Moronic 17YearOld: Hey, so I think you're cute. We should start talking about semi-deep stuff.

Dude: Yeah, like some details about my personal life that I'm not sure if you're the only one who knows, but I'll share anyway. Wanna hook up?

Moronic 17YearOld: Sure, wanna meet up after school and whatnot?

Dude: Yeah, that'd be nice. Man, cuddling with you is so fun. Wanna sext?

Moronic 17YearOld: Um, I don't know if I can. I mean, I'm still shaken up from my breakup.

Dude: Aw, that's cool. Whatever.

Moronic 17YearOld: Actually, I'm fine now.

Dude: Oh, wow. I have a girlfriend now.

Moronic 17YearOld: What the fuck?

Why I'm So Lame: There's a moral to this story. Girls, don't sound like you're wounded. Makes a guy think you're undatable. Also, ask people out before they have the chance to become total douchebags. Whatever, that guy was a learning experience. Nothing more. And there will be PLENTY more where that came from.


Dude Who Came To Talk To Us (N.a.P.)

Today in school a guy named Bob Anthony came to talk to us about being gay and Catholic and how our school is making a big step towards becoming this open friendly place where people can talk about anything. And asking that we start some form of GSA or whatnot.

I'm personally not really all for a GSA or LGBT support group. It sounds like a nice idea to have a group where people get together and talk about feelings and problems. But in actuality, it sounds like it draws more attention to a "problem" and could lead to even more discrimination or isolation. The kids in that group would be labeled the "gay kids." And I think that's counterproductive.

I completely support a respectful environment not because of having a minority group or whatnot, but just for the sake of being respectful. I try to respect people because I think everyone has a purpose...even if it is seemingly worthless, it could be totally worth it to someone else. A GSA could work, but I'm wary about it. That's most of the reason why I haven't talked about starting one.

This is a total side note, but I was browsing facebook a week or so ago, and Fabulous sent a friend of hers a piece of flair that had something to do with bi friend. Someone got totally offended by it. And I can totally see why. I mean, I wouldn't want to be introduced as "hey, this is *insert person's name*, my *insert sexual orientation here* friend." Kids don't do that for straight people. You wouldn't introduce someone as "Hey, this is Alfred, my black friend." It points out things that are totally unnecessary and somewhat discriminatory because it points out things that could potentially isolate people.

Like Poofy Hair calling me "Hoe-Jo" when introducing me to her friends. TOTALLY uncalled for, all the time.


So I've Been Having These Dreams (N.a.P.)

So I've been having these dreams. About the same guy. A guy who totally gets me, who's totally like me. Actually, he's more like me if I had a penis and were obviously male and were taller. And these have been going on for the past few days.

And I don't get it. My subconscious is so masochistic sometimes. I already have to deal with seeing people I know with things I really want. I don't need to see it in my dreams. I really don't. Because, since I'm grounded basically, I don't have the opportunity to pursue it. Not that I have anyone to even try to pursue it with. I mean, there are people who show me much affection, but is it genuine? Maybe. Probably not if everyone else gets that same kind of attention. And I'm not going to be that girl. You know, the girl who takes everything with a deeper meaning or whatnot. Outwardly, I take everything at face value. If a person tells me I'm beautiful, I don't necessarily start thinking "Oh they're just saying that to be nice" but I take the compliment with a smile. But if someone were to ask me out, I'm scared I'll take it so heavily at face value that I'll laugh in their face or something thinking it's a joke. Because I've had the same guy friend jokingly ask me out a bunch of times. God, people are weird.

Now I'm rambling a lot about relationships because the other issues are not really things I want to publish online. Not because they're sensitive topics or whatnot, but because people will think "shit, that's no big deal." To me it obviously is. But it's nice that I'm venting about things slightly beyond my control. And not things I can directly control. Like how skinny I am now. Even though I have to stop losing inches or weight or thinning out. Because I don't want to disappear when I turn sideways.


It Can Only Get Better, Righ? (N.a.P.)

So I think that I've finally hit rock bottom in terms of how crappy things can plausibly get. At least for me. And hopefully, once I've dug myself out of this hole, I DON'T FALL INTO ANOTHER ONE.