Jesus Christ, That Was Candid

When I decided to transfer out of the College of Engineering, I thought it'd be a good means to reduce stress, give me something to be passionate about that I might be actually good at, and help raise my GPA to a level that I can comfortably talk about and show employers and graduate folk whenever they asked about it.

That transition has achieved one of those goals.  And it's the third.

But at the same time, I don't even know if trying to do things the normal way will be worth it.  Does taking 6 classes and 19 credits just to graduate on time guarantee me a career or even an entry into graduate school? At the same time, people take 6 classes and 19 credits independent of each other all the time and it doesn't seem like that big a deal.  I mean, I'm sure kids have gotten Dean's List with that kind of course load and it wasn't that amazing an accomplish considering it probably happens all the time.

And what terrifies me is that this ball of stress I'm under won't even matter in about 3 months once the semester's over and I see the results of all the "work" I've put in.  Why is work in quotes?  Because just because you have two papers, a presentation, a 600-word response to a discussion board, a quiz, a take-home exam, a take-home assignment, and taking time to let your beloved boyfriend know you love him because he's endured your random ass bullshit for five months isn't work that I'm putting into anything.  It's work given to me that needs to be reconstructed in the most complete way possible and you're hoping it's right.  You don't do it to show that you have abilities; no, you do it so it gets done.  And I feel horrible for also putting my relationship in that context, because honestly, it's the only thing I'm really sure of except for the fact that I'll get reminded of or assigned something to do for a class that will get graded and get thrown into the mess of numbers that is called a GPA that somehow describes your entire worth as a student.

And speaking of my relationship, I can barely handle being with myself 24/7 when I'm not even sure he can do it either.  He says he wants to; I have to.  And I think he might be getting exhausted of all the hurdles I put myself through because, you know, it might totally unnecessary.  But I've already just pummeled through so many, knocked them over, kind of got over the hurdles, it's getting exhausting.  And frustrating.  Why can't I pick up one leg, put it over, get my other leg on the other side and continue on like nothing was no big deal?  Why do I have to keep continuously picking myself up off the ground?  Why can't I just want things to go my way sometimes?  I feel like that's a treat only certain people deserve and it's a gift for every other person.

Why do I feel have to be so afraid of wanting things?  Because the several other times I've wanted things, I did all the right things and yet somehow, it still didn't have my name on it.  Of course, I would not pass up what transpired as a result of not having those things for any time machine, but I still can't help but wonder why it takes an army of time, mental strength, and energy to go rescue a kitten that is whatever thing (person, event, position) I desire.  It should be that me wanting something does not disqualify me from having it.  That seems to be the case,  more oft than not.

Just because, aside from the stress of having more work than I ever wanted, I have a pretty happy and stable life doesn't mean that I can't want more from myself and what I could give myself.  I'm just mostly worried I'm asking for it from the wrong guy because, you know, you don't go to a barista if you want to buy someone flowers.  Or some kind of analogy like that.


I Just Feel Crappy

Taken from tobewanted
I just feel crappy.
I'm physically sick, coughing up a storm, my lips all chapped from rubbing my nose too much, my lymph node is swollen, I'm exhausted.
My skin is all itchy from something.
My tummy's all swollen.

But it's not even all that that's bothering me.

What's bothering me is the myriad of plans I've had to cancel due to being sick.  I missed out on hanging out with two different sets of people whom I haven't seen in years.

I also hate the feeling of uncertainty.
Well, the only thing that's certain is me probably staying in Ithaca and working all summer again, instead of going somewhere else to work.
Don't get me wrong.

I like my job.  And the people at my job.  It's the location.  And my fear that it's the only job I'll qualify for.

I just want to be accepted somewhere in addition to Matt's arms.  That'd be pretty awesome.


2013 Resolutions (N.a.P.)

Taken from bakedvision
Of the resolutions I had last year, I accomplished one of them.  That's not great, but that just gives me a chance to rethink my priorities and goals for 2013.  In 2012, I learned that I can get a respectable GPA, maintain friendships while maintaining relationships, being a good employee, and eat healthier than I have before.  Even though those weren't listed as goals, I think it says a lot about me that I could achieve that.

Taking into account what I have achieved, these goals are my resolutions in 2013!

  • Get a 2013 GPA of 3.3.
  • The health goals start here:
    • Drink 3 cups of tea per day (morning, afternoon, evening)
    • Eat meat five days a week
    • Weigh 135 pounds (this target was a goal last year, but I have a better means of attaining it next year)
    • Have a dietary plan for the week and try not to stray
    • Do cardio at the gym twice a week and do weights 3 times a week
  • Sketch at least 3 times a week
  • Not use the computer as the default for entertainment
What are your resolutions?

A Statement for Every Month of 2012

Taken from duh-da
I know.  I've usually written a several-hundred-word document about every month.  But I haven't found the necessity to.  Instead, I'll be highlighting every month with a sentence.  Enjoy.

January: I rang in the New Year with friends and discovered what I do not want to do with my life.

February: I celebrated my first Valentine's Day with a date with the boy I really cared about at the time.

March: I rekindled a friendship, realized some people are toxic to my existence, and sent out opportunity applications which later got rejected.

April: I got the job I wanted most that I worked at full time over the summer.

May: I lived with my boyfriend at the time for three weeks and I finally got out of engineering.

June: I moved into my first apartment/house with friends and started an adventurous summer.

July: I visited China and realized how lucky I am to live in the U.S., but I also had some eye-opening experiences with some wonderful people that I am still in contact with.

August: I went to a Renaissance festival and two rock concerts while improving my own physical fitness by biking everywhere.

September: I had a bit of a breakdown, ended one relationship and started another; my heart went on a crazy roller-coaster ride.

October: I went to Montreal and fell in love with a city.

November: I went to a Bassnectar and Lindsey Stirling concert and had a lovely time in NYC for Thanksgiving.

December: I got the highest GPA so far and spent New Year's Eve with a friend who I won't see until August.

Happy New Year, everyone!



Taken from: just-the-way-you-arent
It's weird not having you.
You're not here.
I can't contact you at all.
(And we used to only talk online because life).
And everyone else in the house has someone to cuddle.

What's weird is I almost feel like I'm just waiting
For you to contact me.
But at the same time,
I worked out,
I watched a documentary based on a show I like,
I ate some really yummy cheese-less, low-carb food,
I worked on a study guide for a class that's really hard...

I've kept myself occupied.

You get so used to socializing
And having someone in the room to spend time with
That when they're not there,
You're not entirely sure what to do with yourself.



Taken from m-a-r-i-n-a-r-a
I had so much vigor at the beginning of the semester.  A certain joie de vivre, if you will.  Enthusiastic about conquering this semester, taking my major-related courses and having a steady relationship, but, alas, I think this semester's kicking my ass harder than I ever wanted it to.  I'm finally taking major-required courses.  I'm taking courses in things I'm interested in.  I'm taking courses about information that I like.  And I still can't crack it.  I legitimately loath that I'm pretty mediocre at everything.  I'd rather have that one thing I'm pretty genius at.  And then major in it.  Oh wait, I've discovered it; it's everything I can't put on a resume.  I can't put "great at making friends," "can make a person feel like they're the number one in my life," and "getting screwed over by people who say they love me" on it.  I'm pretty genius at that last one.  And it tears me up inside.  Because I give so much and have it flung back in my face.

I know that I can be a handful.  I know that I don't make sense most of the time, that I act on impulse, that everything is a great idea until it legitimately isn't.  Or that I plan and plan and work and plan and come up with ideas and make schematics and work and work and STILL nothing comes of it.  Nothing that I want, anyway.  Or something that I do want, but I'm too upset by the fact that the initial outcome didn't happen that I can't see the good in the alternative.  I'm pretty good at that.

But I know that the one time I stop legitimately giving a shit is the time that everything falls through. And someone gets legitimately hurt and can't carry on.  And if I were ever to hurt someone that badly, I don't think I can carry on being myself.  Because being me means being bad at things that matter, but being the best at things that don't necessarily matter in terms of money-making and careers, but in terms of people's lives can be the most important thing ever.


To Everyone I've Ever Dated or Wanted to

Taken from  m-a-r-i-n-a-r-a
I (thought I) loved you,
But we were thirteen.

I (thought I) loved you,
But were freshman in high school
And who knows anything then.

Don't even remember dating you.
People had to vaguely remind me of this.
But then again, sophomore year of high school is blacked out
From my memory.  And I don't want to remember.

I loved you,
But you were at UConn.
And your heart went somewhere else.

I'm not entirely sure how I felt about you.
But you were fun.
And cute.
And I took it way seriously than it needed to be.

I loved you,
But you had depression.
And it wasn't that you had no hope for your life
Or any motivation.
It was how you acted out.
And how there was nothing I could do about it.
And how it's affected me in terms of how people treat me.

I liked you,
But we met 3 weeks before high school ended.
You were the one who got away.

I still love you,
Because you're my best friend.
And we're never going to date.
So that's good.

I thought you were my favorite boy,
But you liked your bong more.
Thanks for being so honest.

I love you,
I think,
I'm not sure.
Something's not clicking.

I think I feel something towards you,
And it's fucking awkward.


My Skill Set

Taken from  yeeeezy 
My skill set is large and varied.
It goes from cooking
To math
To art
To food science
To dressing myself
To being there for people

Even when I can't be there for myself.

It leaves much to be desired.

But not enough to be pursued.

Like the 5000-dollar fancy phone
That everyone wants,
But no one has the money for.

I like to think I'm worth that much.

But maybe there's some employer out there willing to pay the price.

I promise I deliver.

I promise that return in profit that I'll deliver.

Y'all just have to give me a chance.


And You're Not Here Because?

Taken from  nocturnaldesires
I go to bed every day just wanting a hug from you.  Not because I'm sad, just because I want you here.  And I'm so scared of wanting you to be here, because the last time I wanted someone to be there, they didn't come.  And they didn't seem to want to either.  So wanting things breaks my heart a little every time.  But I trust that you won't lie to my like that.  I really hope you don't.


Chinese Summary

The culture shock of Beijing had been overwhelming.  Never before had I see so much that in my culture(s) would be downright unacceptable, such as urinating in a squat, spitting in restaurants, and children doing their business in the street.  But aside from that, the city had been definitely something new to me.  The way not much travels up and areas had ancient buildings, older than Western society, strewn about.  And the Great Wall of China took my breath away, literally and figuratively.  A feat built in 15 years without cranes or any other form of modern technology.

Now Shanghai is a city that caught between two lovers: the exotic East and the modernized West.  The impressive skyline that puts New York city to shame could not be adequately glorified in pictures taken with even the fanciest of cameras.  But there were glimpses of the past, that were still buried under the weight of 6,000 sky scrapers.  But this city was perfect for the young person.  Bars and clubs by night, historical sites by day.  The city I wish we had spent more time in.

Hong Kong, but that city, to me, was a more expensive version of home.  People either lived in a 1 million dollar studio or a 35 million dollar mansion.  Million American money.  Which seems absurd, which is why I had a hard time being able to fully appreciate its largeness.

But overall, I loved the people on the trip.  Some were crazy, some were there, and some I am visiting sometime in the few months.


Flying Across the World

Taken from  c0yotes
Tomorrow, I take off for a part of the world I have never been to.  I'm going to the mystical, novel (to me) land of China.  I look forward to seeing the beautiful gardens in Shanghai, ancient architecture of Beijing, and the modernity of Hong Kong.

But what I also look forward to, is discovering how big the world truly is.  I am going so far from home that, due to time difference, I will be half a day in the future.  While my friends and family are settling into Monday routines, I will be landing in Beijing on Tuesday.  And that blows my mind.

I also look forward to touring a part of the world that I  have never been to and enjoying the food, the fashion, and the culture that is totally unfamiliar to me.