Stress and Pressure

Taken from fleetingfoxes
I don't know what's gotten into me these days, but the excitement, rigor, enthusiasm, and determination I had to kick this semester in the ass has just died on me.  Like, I genuinely feel like it's not going to happen.  My transfer isn't going to happen.  That it's just going to be a repeat of when I really wanted to get into Brown, I did everything right, and yet somehow it didn't happen.  But I really don't want that to happen with transferring out of engineering.  I don't know.  Maybe my grades will rescue themselves.


Testing Monster

Taken from myheartishoney
All this studying is turning me into a butt.  Or, as most people would say, an ass.  I sit at home all day.  Studying. I come out when I need to.  Like for food, or class, or some meeting that could help me in the class.

And while I'm studying, everyone is being fun and cool.  They're going to parties.  They're wasting time watching a film together.  And I'm by myself studying because it seems like everything that is life is detrimental to my success.  Or lack there of.  And then I start reverting to bad mental habits that kept me locked up on weekends throughout most of high school.  And it seems like no one understands or wants to join to me or anything having to do with interacting with me.  And if these people are different, why do they all treat me the same?


When I See You

Taken from sufficio
I think I might actually slap you or something.  I don't know.  I just want to build something that can you get you here like now.  Or get me there like now.  Because I need a break from being alone all the time.  Because everyone smokes pot and no one actually cares about how isolated it makes me feel.  And I hate your card company crap right now.  You could be here right now.  Reminding me that there are people who enjoy both weed and spending time with me.  And instead of me sitting here feeling dumb as shit for getting so excited just for disappointment that we won't spend a whole weekend together, we'd be snuggling right now.  But that's not the case.  Another Friday of me just wishing there was something better to do.  Except, you know, being thoroughly disappointed.  But what's another 20 hours?  Disapproval.  Towards everything.

College Living

Taken from suckmyclock
It involves lots of tea.  Lots of waiting.  Lots of paper getting torn to shreds by erasers and frustration.  Lots of pencils being used up.  Lots of pens lacking ink.  Lots of coffee and coffee drinks.  Lots of episodes of television being watched with friends while eating cookies.  Lots of reading; page after page, line after line, of reading.  Lots of walking up and down hills.  Lots of walking just in general.  Lots of note taking and lots of lists just make up the lives of an average sophomore.


A Fourth Grader

Taken from gahdengremlins
You went to school like it was any other day.  Well, any other gym day, so instead of wearing your normal school uniform, you wore your baggy and comfortable gym clothes.  And school had just started.  So we barely got through our first class when they ushered the whole school downstairs.  We just heard something super bad happened downtown and a lot of kids were being picked up as soon as possible by their parents.  They lived close by to the event.  And slowly one by one, they left the building in a hurry.  My dad picked me up relatively early because he was worried that we wouldn't be able to leave.

I remember him telling me that one of the towers fell.  And in my little nine-year-old head, it made zero sense. How can a building just fall?  They're supposed to not do that.  But then walking home up 7th avenue, there the second one stood.  With a backdrop of the clear blue sky, it was just there.  Smoking.  There were flames.  My dad and I stood with onlookers.  Some people ran downtown.  As we're about to walk back, I remember hearing my dad whisper "holy shit."  It was the first time I heard him swear.  And I turned around with him.  And it came down.  It just stacked on top of itself and I thought things usually fell over; not straight down.  These were such petty thoughts, but nothing made sense.  People were screaming and it was just completely unreal.

I remember coming home and when my dad put the key in our door, I asked him, "Dad, did that seriously just happen?"  And he nodded.  I went home and turned on the television.  Everything about it was horrifying.  Scarier than the Ghost Ship movie I had seen with my friends at a sleepover a few weeks ago.  The events of the day came so much clearer but it was still really bizarre.  The most horrifying thing for me, besides, you know, the whole situation, was the video footage of people falling off the side of the building.  I'm still horrified of heights and it took me back to literally a few days prior when my dad and I went to the top as part of a touristy loop of NYC we did.  We made it to the top.  And I looked down and imagining someone dropping down from there was just mind-numbing.  I shut off the telly and watched something cheerful, like Dora the Explorer.  And I was 9.  The worst was thinking about how that could have happened.  And it still is.

Rewatching the footage with half a morbid fascination, it remains as terrifying.  Hearing the stories of people being there in the towers, I can't imagine what I would do.  And looking back, I became terrified of everything, just because I saw it.  And it's silly.  I know it's not as significant as losing someone or being there or helping people and not being sure if you'd make it out alive, but that day was just something that you could not forget if you tried.


Support Beams

Taken from analyzing
I'm sorry I call you at ridiculous hours of night.  Just because it's a little too dark for comfort.  And I'm a little too out of it to be alone, under a brilliant guise of "it's fine, guys, I'll be just fine."  But you're there for me.  You're starting to be able to tell when I'm not okay.  I love the way you keep me level.  The way you're getting better at comforting.  The way you listen and give advice when advice is almost the last thing I want at the moment.  Just the way you are.  Thanks for being there.