Expectations

What the hell.
Just, what the hell.

I feel like
Someone's acid trip
Had an acid trip
And the colors turned into my feelings
Right now.

I feel

Like

A mess.

And there's all the examinations
Today which prove to be a further
Test of my character than the
Random emotional bull shit
I put myself through.

It's all insane.

But then again,
I'm dealing with "adult feelings"
In "adult situations."

I think I'm doing okay.

Sorry That Sometimes I'm Female

I catch onto things,
Easily.
Once that spark
Of attention catches the debris,
It's just going to rage.


But it's just a spark
And there's not much to burn.
So once it runs out, it's
Gone for good.

Of the things I latch onto,
I worry about them incessantly.
And they don't always matter.
But for that moment of intensity,
They sincerely do.

And since the attention occurs
So randomly,
No one, including myself,
Understands why.

And sometimes,
A huge pain can do no damage,
But the little things can turn
Into these crazy painful paper cuts.
They seem like such a larger deal
Than they should be but your
Body and mind say otherwise.

And the really arbitrary times.
When everything feels like
An issues and everything just
Hurts.

But for all the randomness,
There's a ton of good.
But the randomness overshadows that.
Unfortunately.

Weekends

With all the time I beautifully wasted
Hanging out with my close friend,
I need to buckle down this week.

Seriously.
I have a midterm Thursday.
I'm not too terrified.

But I need to brush up on problems.
And do the other 50 million
Pieces of homework I have.

Fear

It's not even fun.
Not the fun type of
"Oh snap, this is exciting"
The type that gives you a
Blood rush to the head
And makes your heart pound
And makes your breath short.

No.
This is just...
Terrifying and crippling.
I refuse to get hurt.
But I have to be vulnerable.

How does one reconcile those
Two?

Do you...
I don't know.
When there's an answer,
I'll make it known.

Sickness (R.P.)

Stress and soy caught up to me.  I've spent 2 hours so far whimpering about my stomach.  So no poem tonight.  Just me trying to get better.  And not going to calc class.  I won't be up at 7 AM.

Computer Science

A car driving out to a city from a mall.
No idea how to leave the parking lot.

Computer science.
In a nutshell.
Or, to keep to the car metaphor,
A smartcar.

Diet Revision (R.P.)

So today I was sitting around and I was thinking that, "DAMN, I haven't been eating healthy."  So, starting tomorrow, I am turning a new leaf and thinking seriously about what I eat from day to day.  I planned breakfast out.  I am super excited for my Belgian waffle and strawberry jam.  I think for lunches and dinners, I shall do a one part meat, one part carb, and then mostly vegetable deal going.  And maybe an ice cream.  Cornell Dairy, for the win!

Frustration

Is wanting to rip my hair out.
Is wanting to scream loudly.
Is wanting to get through this.
Is wanting to be right.
Is wanting to not get sick of everything.
Is saying I can when I can't.
Is being cool when nothing seems to be okay.

I am so frustrated.
I am fighting within myself
To do the thing I can't seem to understand.

Freaking computer science.

The Good The Bad The Weird (M.R.)

Poster from Imp Awards

This has possibly been the most bizarre movie I've seen in a while.  I mean, a Western that doesn't take place in America?  That's a strange concept.  But the strangeness of it made for a fantastic movie.  The plot was great, the acting was superb, and the action sequences were amazing.  Definitely a must-see.  I am usually not one for foreign films.  Also, due to health reasons, this review is a lot shorter than they tend to be.  But don't let the subtitles discourage you from seeing this.

Rating: 8/10

Knight in Green Armor

My mind can't seem to let you go, while
My heart can't seem to hold onto anyone.

Late at night, when it's quietest,
I want you here and I don't know why.

I shouldn't be feeling this strongly.
It's so stupid, it's a really really bad
Case of the stupids.

We're just friends at night,
Acquaintances during the day.

You're the best I've got so far.
I want better.
I don't want to settle.
But I hate being pseudo-lonely.

I say pseudo-lonely
Because I have friends
Who care and want to be with me.

Actually lonely because...
Well, it's almost been a year.
A year since I genuinely cared.

And I genuinely don't.
About you, that is.
I really shouldn't because
You don't either.

Oh look how that works out.

Snuggie Club

We're supposed
To sit around in snuggies.

But we don't.

We sit around
And play card games
In West Campus with the juniors.

Specifically,
Junior transfers.
So it's almost like we're
All freshman.

But the fun is
Intense (in tents).

Ridiculous

High dialing.
I'm sure it's fun.
When you're the person
That is high as the sky.

Not so much when you're
On the receiving end.

Cheating.
I'm sure that's fun too.
When you're not
The other person
Being cheated on or the other person.

Hiking.
Pretty sure that could be fun.
If you know where you're going.
And where you came from.

Finding things in your room
That you weren't sure were there
In the first place.

I...
There are no words.

Doing Work

I feel more productive
With no one around
But I also feel
Productive when
People are around.

But I've hit a lull.
But there's so much yet to do!

It's the little things
That keep me going.

Like orange juice
And more time for myself
Tomorrow possibly.

Exhausted

Can't lie down.
Can't even think about naps.
Naps lead to comas.
Naps lead to lateness.

Should stop going to sleep at 3 or 5 A.M.
Should stop waking up at 8 or 9 A.M.
On the same night.

Need to do a health turnover.
Need to eat better.
Need to be more active.
Need to sleep more.

I Have A Group of Friends

I didn't think I'd
Be able to pull off
The group of friends.

I'm generally a very
One-on-one person.

But I've been consistently
Hanging out in a quadruple
Of me and three others
And they are all so complementary
To how I am.

I love the three of them.
Whoa, did I just say
Love in relation to humans beings?

See?  I can do it.

What I Learned At College

There is no right.
There are just
Many ways to be wrong.

As evidenced by my
Computer science class.
In which the student must
Collect the information as it
Is fed by a machine, not a person.

Or in poetry's image.
Where a student can go
In one of two directions
And neither can be exactly
Correct unless the ideas
Weld together somewhere
In the middle.

Thank God that in chemistry
And calculus, there tend
To be only one right answer.

One might assume that in
Computer science, but
Just ask anyone who
Isn't my professor or taking the class
But knows about Java.

4 AM

The blue
Caffeine-taurine
Goodness isn't
Really good at all.

I'm pulling an
All-nighter (again).

I would totally
Go to sleep...
If I could.

Questions running through my brain.

If someone is
Dry-heaving in a
Bathroom, am I
Morally obligated
To make sure
That they are ok?

If someone else
Is passed out in the corner
Of a hallway, am I
Morally obligated
To take them to a bed,
No matter how fucking
Insane they make me?

Am I?
Because, in
The middle of the night,
Just like at the end of the day,
I really don't feel anything
About it.  That's not
To say that I don't care.

I do.

I really do.
I'm thinking about it.
Aren't I?
I am painfully empathetic
And am doing the things
I would want people to do
For me if I were
In that state.

Also.
I live with these people.
I should probably make sure that they are
Ok, right?
That's what a good suite-mate would do.

Going Out in College (B.o.A.)

That's me on the arts quad on my way to some frat party!  For this one, I pair my plain, green tee shirt from Esprit with my mini skirt from Diesel.  The booties are from Urban Outfitters and the necklace I bought in a thrift store sophomore year.  DAMN that was long ago.  Though this pic might not translate it well, I felt and looked awesome.  And confidence is important when going out.

Work

It must be done.
Like a giant road block
On a country road,
There's no way around it.

I guess you can plow
Through it.
That's what I'm doing, anyway.

Lunch Dates

Quietly sitting,
Just eating,
The food disappearing,
But the thoughts remain.

Should I say anything?
Should I voice any opinion?
Does he think I'm cute?
Does she think I'm cute?

The unknown and confusion
Pervading the air...
On a dinner date, I think
It's called perfume.

But this is just lunch.
Something...casual?
That's the word.
I'm not sure though.

But the confusion is
The best part.  Since
You don't know if
This is a friend zone
Or a potential relationship
Zone.  Could be both.
Oh snap,
I went there.

Turning Over a Leaf (N.a.P.)

Last night, I cried genuinely for the first time at Cornell. That other time I cried, just tears went down but it wasn't cathartic at all.  Last night, I cried so hard so much hurt.  And honestly, it was awesome.  It's the first time I genuinely gave a shit about something other than...I cannot finish that statement.  Not because the thing at the end of it is scandalous or stupid like "getting laid" but because there isn't anything there.  There hasn't been much since October of last year.  I've made some of the best friendships ever, but I don't really look too far ahead to see where I'll wind up..

But last night, I just got taken back to the really really bad place I was in sophomore year.  Before I met MSCBFF.  I never talk about what went down in those months because honestly, it's all I remember.  I had to piece the rest of that time together through essays and notebooks I had in class.  It wasn't good.  I would say fun, but that is belittling how crappy it was.  I know me and the person involved have forgiven each other and whatever, but the fact that the situation ever came to pass is still there.  And that's about as much as I'll talk about it.

I know getting left behind last night was a total misunderstanding and miscommunication.  So I will use the phrase that I've been using for all the good encounters I have: "If it's only tonight, that's alright with me."  But this morning I realized that I cannot be that passive or complacent.  I have to look to the long term.  This time, I am not leaving in 4weeks.  I'm sticking around a bit.  I can stop surviving and working on the immediate.  I want to make lasting connections.  And you know what?  I will.  The risk-taker that hasn't been around for a while is back.  She's going back to the adrenaline of being unsure rather than just not doing anything to avoid that exhilarating fear.  And sure, it might hurt, but it'll be more awesome than not doing anything.

Happy Labor Day weekend people.

Best Party Ever?

I like math.
The greater than
And less than signs
Are possibly
The best signs
There are.

For example,
At gay party,
Dancing and drinking
Is greater than just
Drinking in terms of
Fun because there
Is something to do.

Also the people
Seem to have a purpose
To be there and the social
Aspect is much better.

The atmosphere was
Incredible too.
The lights,
The music,
The dancing,
Just the everything
About it made it
The best party I've
Been to so far at college.
I expect more to come.