Well, That Ended Better Than I Expected (Reflection)

Taken from frannylovesyou

So the year is drawing to a close as it tends to at the end of December and once again I am sitting down to think about things.  And quite honestly, this might be one of the most somber entries I have ever written.  Just even going through briefly the moments that stuck out in my head, a lot of them are either a testament to my character or something really crappy that randomly happened to me.  But here is a run-down of everything: the good, the neutral, the weird, the bad, and the in-between.

I rang in 2011 with friends for the first time in my life.  January started majestically with sparklers and good friends and random company, but everything was shiny and wonderful.  And I thought that that would set the tone for the rest of the year.  But we shall see.  My friend stayed over and she left for home a few days later.  I took time to spend with my friends.  Oh, and family too.  I saw a musical with my aunt.  In addition, I went to see a Daily Show live taping with two friends and I had a huge fit of fandom.  I also felt so cultured that month. But sooner or later, the return to school had to be done, so I went back early for Rush Week to do some work and earn some money.  I have never seen or returned so many packages in one week.  I also have not seen so many people exert themselves for temporary validation by a group.  But I also realized that me and the nice boy I met the prior October were not meant to be doing anything other than being best friends.  So we sat in a broom closet for hours discussing everything about our friendship and concluded that we shall always be best friends.  And then school actually started on the coldest day of my LIFE so far.  I resolved to make a few changes for studying, such as actually doing my readings before class and such to catch up with materials.  And due to the cold and recruitment things for fraternities and sororities, my friends spent a lot of fun indoors just talking and having fun.  I signed up for a ton of bio classes, a Shakespeare class, a math, ballroom dancing for physical education and the auto-tutorial computer science class for Matlab that apparently bio-engineers need to complete by the end of sophomore year.  I went to ballroom dancing and, honestly, I was surprised how comfortable I felt there.  With computer science, I was in the for the not-so-awesome time of my life.

During February, I wanted to set a schedule with my school life.  And my set a schedule, I guess that meant waking up at 5 AM every day to work out and get my bio readings out of the way.  Or doing my bio lab class homework because I had a Wednesday night lab.  I spent less time going out on weekends and more time staying in with my friends because the frats all had pledging things to do for the boys that they wanted to be part of their brotherhood.  The hardest thing I had to do in the whole month was that computer science science.  Me and the best friend would get together most days of the week and work on it.  And boy, was it taking a toll on my self-esteem.  I could not seem to crack it at all.  He would spend 30 minutes on a program and be done.  I, on the hand, would spend the same about of time and come up with one working line.  One night of working on this program, a Thursday of course, my computer had stopped working and "blue screen of death"'d me so my friend and I decided to go out.  We went out for a bit and then proceeded to go sledding with two of my guy friends.  Sledding was relatively uneventful...until I realized the next morning I could have broken or sprained my finger.  I got my first x-ray done and wore a splint to the first day of biomedical engineering lab session.  At the lab session, I had been assigned to a group, and soon I learned that have the worst luck when it comes to being put into a communal working environment.  And yet, at the same time, I was applying for co-op housing, which involved spending time with the people who lived there and cooking with them and other such activities that would have been part of living in the house.  Everyone seemed nice, but alas, I did not make it into the cooperative living system and thus had to experience the terrors of the Cornell housing lottery.

Which, actually, happened in March.  The snow began melting and spring was slowly returning to us sun-deprived children in Ithaca.  But the pressure was rising.  The Matlab course was coming to an end, with the deadline approaching as quickly as Spring break was.  I spent most of my work shifts either recovering from the day or working on programming.  And never in my life have I been so frustrated.  I can usually accept when I am bad at something...but not when I'm getting graded on it.  With March also came the arrival of a new crush.  I met a boy who was really tall, quirky, and just a very sweet boy.  We went to a SWE gathering together and then I started going to his shows like a groupie/ fan girl.  And then St. Patrick's Day was on the eve of spring break, where I got to meet my friend's new girlfriend, who I became very close friends with, and just had a very strange but fun night, as nights at Thumpty tend to go.  But spring break came at a good moment.  But, I still had not finished my Matlab final project to complete so I could not entirely relax, as the word "break" seems to suggest.  Yet I did have good times.  I saw a taping of the Colbert Report and saw a rather forgettable but fun movie with a close friend of mine.  Lent also began so I decided to give up wearing pants to allow more creativity and to make the most use of my clothing and to build self-confidence.  Probably not the healthiest decision, but it was other things that made me sick most of the time as the semester was drawing to a close.

And my self-health further deteriorated right into April.  My stomach and it's acid reflux was awful.  I saw the movie Sucker Punch with a friend and I had not been that inspired to work out and make my body perfect in my life.  So waking up at 5 AM no longer was for reading or doing homework.  Or reading and learning calculus for the class I stopped going to.  It was for working out, which I think took a toll on my grades, my body, and my self-esteem.  I spent more time hanging out with my new crush a lot, even spending an all nighter with him to study for math on the eve of course enroll.  Course enroll worked out but when it came to the test, I did not do as well as all the work I had been suggested, which was a feeling that seemed to pervade in other classes as well, especially biomedical engineering intro class where most of my grade was contingent on 3 other people.  It was taking an objective look at my performance in Cornell engineering that I realized, I might not be able to make it to affiliation as a bio engineer.  And I was crushed. Because the GPA requirement was just out of my reach and looking at the classes I would have to take, I would not have made it to the 2.50 limit.  And that feeling made me rather aloof.  To this day, I feel awful that I didn't give my best friend enough praise for his final performance in the one class he was working hard that he was actually seeing results that he could be proud of.  We even went to a party together afterwards and the feelings of having completely let myself down were so strong that I got a bit sick and dizzy and subsequently wandered campus aimlessly for hours.  Many other social interactions died as well.  When I'd go places with my friends and boys would approach, I legitimately was not having it.  I have not felt so genuinely miserable since sophomore year of high school.  And then I went to a few meetings with professors and towards the end of the month, I realized what I must do: I needed to transfer out of engineering.

So the beginning of May was spent filling out forms and scrambling to finish my homework because it was the last week of classes.  Slope Day marked the end of classes, as it tended to go with my group friends, it was one of the more bizarre days of my life.  It involved lots of weird music and going to the gorges and everyone being dramatic and not quite in the right state of mind.  And then study week officially kicked off after a Lord of the Rings extended edition marathon and then sleeping and then finally buckling down to study.  I was so stressed out but heck, I had tests to pass.  Just pass, not even particularly do well on.  And then at the end of it all, I watched Doctor Who with a friend, packed, had brunch with my best friend and parents, and then left for home for New York City.  And that was freshman year.  I think I can safely say that I learned a ton about myself and what my capabilities are, even if I was an ungrateful cow in the process of it all.  But when I got home, I realized, I had no grades, no boyfriend, and I absolutely hated my body.  I had gained the freshman 15 and then some.  So I basically came home and started working out like crazy.  I got a gym membership and was there for two hours or so a day.  I tried a bunch of different work outs, my favorites being spinning, Pilates, and this rope thing.  And I also started driving lessons again, which sucked.

My birthday kind of happened in June.  I spent time with friends, but aside from that, it wasn't particularly crazy or special.  But the next weekend was super fun.  I went out to a club for the first time because it is 19 and over, and that worked out with my age.  The music was fun and I was dressed to a T.  But I hated everything at the same time because I wasn't small or dainty and felt like a whale.  But, see, I don't let people in on that insecure side of me because no one needs to hear it.  Towards mid-June, my friend came to visit and we just went out and partied and other things normal young adults are supposed to do during the summer.  She was transferring to Northeastern shortly after Cornell summer ended, so spending time was nice.  And then soon I packed my bags and went to Poland to see family and take classes in Krakow.  It was nice seeing my friends again, now that we're older and can do European young-adult things.  But it was still so strange because I hadn't been in Poland in 4 or 5 years.  And even though I was born there, it did not exactly feel like home.  But I guess it was something I'd just have to get used to.  But what was nice, I had a working cell phone which I didn't have previously, so that made me feel more like I lived there.  Even if for a little while.

So, July was not spent in the US and instead I was abroad in Poland.  And for the first time in a class-related setting, I had roommates.  And just as most stereotypical first roommate situations, you might not get along with all your roommates.  I had some strife with two of them, but the third was chill.  The clubs and bars in Poland were really nice and the 4-weekers, as we called ourselves, formed a pretty tight-knit group. We also did touristy things and became very close with a few members of my class.  One of them, actually, I started dating about a week into the program.  He was very attractive, quirky, painfully shy, but treated me fairly well when we were in Poland.  Having a summer romance was something I had never experienced.  You're in a foreign country together so exploring things made it that much more special.  And enjoying nightlife together was something else as well.  Most goings-out felt like a date.  And, as relationships tend to go, we did fight.  Not a lot, but more than I'm used to.  We both had the same group of friends so we hung out with them too.  I stuck around boys more because they weren't fussy about where we went, though I did have a few girls that were very low-key so they accompanied us too.  It's not like the summer program had its own fair share of drama.  Stuff tends to brew when you spend so much time around the same group of people.  But the weekend "school" trips tends to diffuse tension, or brings people together.  About 45-50 people in the program got food poisoning and nothing brings people together like caring for each other.  Those four weeks were some of the fastest in my life.  The classes were fun and didn't feel like I was technically in school for 6 hours a day.  My biggest challenge during the whole trip was writing a 5 page essay on Polish literature in Polish.  It took me a week but I conquered it and felt awesome.  I got A's in both my courses, which I happily brought home with me.  I also brought with me my summer romance, thinking that we could make it in the U.S.

August was a quiet month.  I would have gone right back to my exercise regimen, but after working out, everything ached and honestly, I got a cold from the difference in temperature between NYC and Poland (it was early-spring, late-fall weather the whole month of July).  I reconnected with a few friends, one of which I thought I lost forever because of an awkward situation towards the end of senior year of high school.  I also saw my boyfriend a lot towards the end of the month before I went back to school.  We went clubbing and he joined me and my friends for a farewell "Cupcake Day" party.  And then I moved into my new dorm the last weekend of the month.  My room was/is huge.  I'm pretty sure it was meant for two people at one point.  But somehow, all my clothing fit.  I had to reset my schedule a bit from when I set it up last semester due to the internal transfer situation I got myself in.  I prepped myself for a very difficult semester at school.  Not because my classes were particularly difficult but because of the pressure on the classes I was taking.  I signed up intro psych, intro physiology, physics, differential equations, and intro nutrition.  But the first week before classes started was filled with setting my room up and hanging out with college friends that I hadn't had the chance to see all summer.  And then one of the most turbulent semester of my life began.

September was still relatively relaxed, but I went into with an academic vigor.  I was going to do all the readings for every class before they are due.  I was going to start my homework the lesson we learned it.  I was going to do a good job on everything.  But carving in all that work was difficult.  I signed up for my building's soccer team, so that ate up my Wednesdays.  On September 11th, I decided to watch the tapes from that day for the first time in 10 years.  She was scared and sad because no one had asked her about it. So I did and we bonded about our own views and perspectives about the day.  The hardest part about semester was balancing friends and work, especially when the first round of prelims showed up without warning.  I spent many weekend studying instead of interacting with people and I was reverting to the same habits in terms of thinking of people that I had earlier.  But then my boyfriend would come and everything would be happy, because, hey, someone wanted to spend time with me.  But I still crawled into a work flow that might have actually started to demolish me a bit.  I mean, it's hard when you feel like you're one of the few people in your immediate circle doing loads of work and having no results come from it.  Oh, sounds like most areas of my life this year.

In October, I spent a lot of time waiting.  I spent a lot of time with just wanting to see my boyfriend and with all the work I was doing and all the time I've spent being with friends, that seemed like a lot too much to ask for.  We hit our first major fight, to the point that I had to write a blog entry reminding me why I was with him.  And I guess all this frustration about not seeing him when I was supposed to and being so stressed over school at the same time was what led up to a new low in partying on Halloween.  For the sake of discretion, I won't go into it, but it was bad.  The next day, I spent a lot of time looking at my ceiling and wondering what the hell am I doing with myself.  Besides, you know, staring at my ceiling and trying to read my psych textbook so that I don't miss five or six questions like I did on the last test just from not reading that part of the book.  I also managed to get my math homework done on time and heavily debated dropping the class after getting a progress report.  And me, being stubborn and having a little too much pride sometimes, didn't.  And it was just because I was doing well on the homework.  At the end of the month, I also picked my courses and had a pretty poopy day.  I managed to break some of my dishware by accident and got so excited to see my boyfriend that weekend and then he said he wasn't coming...

And the second hardest month of the year award goes to November.  The first hardest was April, if you couldn't gather.  So I was just really upset that he wasn't seeing me the first weekend, so we rescheduled for the next weekend.  I took the last round of prelims for 2011 between Halloween and when I was going to see him.  I decided to do something really nice and bake him a peppermint chocolate cake that doubled as girly time with my friend.  And then I went out for a bit because I was done with tests and met and caught up with a few people I hadn't seen in a while.  The next day, Friday 11/11/11, I was on top of the world.  I did so much better on all my tests because, yay, I finally kind of got myself together in terms of studying and doing so much better, I was elated.  I hadn't gotten above a 90 in anything since high school, so you could imagine my excitement.  But as I'm getting tea in the library, I get a text that kind of shut down my mood for the rest of the day.  He said he wanted to break up.  Like, why do you tell me this the hour you're supposed to be leaving see me and after I've been having one of the best days ever?  And he also mentioned to me he lied to me a bunch of times because he liked me that much, which didn't make any sense.  I was totally heartbroken for many reasons.  People generally don't lie to me and if they do, it's something really stupid, like "I was at the library" instead of "I was chilling with so-and-so."  So that shattered my trust a bit.  But it also turned out he wasn't into the relationship for the passed two months slash eight weeks, and that hurt a lot.  I guess what I was most angry about was that I couldn't see it coming.  And so, I resolved to just be selfish until I felt better.  I realized I bend myself over backwards for people, like baking them a freaking cake, but people barely do the same for me.  So I went out and met some wonderful people.  Thanksgiving was little morose because I wasn't feeling like myself and my uncle just had a blood clot, but I was grateful for all my friends then more than ever.

And finally, we arrive at December.  Unlike most people I knew, all my work was done with the first two days of the last week of classes.  So I sat at home trying to take care of myself and still recover.  But it was also rather stressful because I was hosting a Polish club Christmas dinner that weekend and my power went out so I had to relocated all my stuff to a different fridge that was probably miles away.  And then that weekend was the most eventful weekend in a while, as in I had a lot of events to go to.  A boy I met during my selfish weekend in November asked me to a formal as a date-date.  And another friend asked me to his frat's formal.  And it was a lot of fun.  The boy from the date-date and I connected really well and then all of a sudden started spending a lot of time together, which somehow did not interfere with me studying for five finals.  I also met with an epidemiology professor and somehow got offered a research position.  And then five finals later and lots of crying, the school year was over.  I want to say that I felt like crap afterwards, but I really can't.  Even though my GPA did not reach the guideline for transfer, a week after the semester ended, I got an email saying that I had successfully transferred out of engineering.  And that was the greatest gift I had ever received for Christmas.  And then Christmas came and went and I've been spending lots of time with my friends, going out, having fun, and Skype-dating.  And tonight, I am enjoying the company of my friends.

I ended this year a lot happier than I expected to.  Honestly, I was expecting to still be angry and single and not having accomplished my major academic goal, but that lame expectation was turned around.  So I'll be ringing in 2012 a lot happier than before and hopefully any other goal I want will be fulfilled too.  Happy New Year everyone!

Skype Dates are Actually Kind of Fun

Taken from justgirlythings

I haven't had the best of luck with webcam.  I always felt awkward and stuff.  Mostly because I usually didn't have a working microphone function on a computer.  Or they didn't.  Or it'd be with someone I'm not too comfortable with.  Or, looking back, talking to them in person was awkward enough and then that awkwardness was exponentially increased via Skype.  But that was probably one of the Skype sessions which wasn't all too awkward.  It was pretty enjoyable, actually.  It's nice to see and talk to people you haven't seen or actually spoken to in a while.  And it almost felt like a real date.  Just without the cute hand-holding and walking around places or general being able to touch each other.  Oh, and a good night kiss would have been nice too.  But regardless, it was the closest to seeing someone as you can get without travelling 3,000 miles.

Newcomers

Taken from deciso

Christmas Eve, I went to Church as was tradition in my family.  There weren't too many people, which wasn't surprising but what was surprising, was the fact of the myriad of new people in Church.  Granted, I don't go to my family parish anymore since I'm about 200 miles and 4 hours away by bus, but usually a lot of the old Italian families and Filipino clans attend Christmas Vigil.  But there were a lot of younger people of not-so-conservative backgrounds.  Behind me there sat hippies, in front of me sat a family of dreadlocks, and next to me was a group a hipsters.  If that isn't a testament that religion is for everyone, I don't know what is.

Christmas Recap (N.a.P.)

Taken from 3vilkid

So after eating lots of food and enjoying time with my friends and family, I received additional gifts.  And they are:

• Letter of accepted transfer to Cornell CALS
• Rarity toy
• Rainbow Dash painting
• Pink puffball hat
• Nail polish
• Money
• Gingerdead cookie cutter
• Earrings
• Candy canes
• iPod Classic
• Clothes
• Bracelets
• Makeup carrying pouch (so useful!)
• Purse
• What to Cook and How to Cook It by Jane Hornby
• Bras
• Scarf

Hope you all had a lovely holiday.  Merry Christmas!

Supper Preparations

Taken from 3vilkid

The beast has been calmed.
I say beast because my mother
Tends to evolve into a Cthulu being
When it comes to preparation
And pre-supper set-up.

But my mother has been relatively calm.
Maybe she's feeling the Christmas season.
Or maybe she realized I'm not here for a long time.

Either way, I've been more
Willing to help out.
So this is the first relaxing
Christmas Eve in a while.

Happy holidays!

Christmas Trimmings and Tidings

Taken from 3vilkid

It was the day before Christmas Eve
And all in my house,
I was running around,
Making brownies, trimming the tree, and vacuuming.
My mother isn't home,
So I can kind of relax,
Without her barkings of orders
Or guilt-trips galore.

The lights have been hung,
The garland's been strewn,
And ornaments and ornaments are all over the living room.
And so are pine needles.

But it's all in preparation of tomorrow.
And soon the feasting will begin.

Girl Power

Taken from agiantlobster

I think Lisbeth Salander is a prime example of female strength in modern cinema and literature.  She does not have super powers.  No super strength, no psychic powers, no connections to people who can bail her out.  No, in fact, she's just as vulnerable as the next girl.  But she takes care of herself.  She doesn't need Mikael Blomkvist to take care of her.  She didn't want her guardianship because (mostly because Bjurman was abusive) she wanted freedom and independence.  She might not be the best role model, because she does perform fairly violent acts.  But honestly, I'd much rather my future daughter look up to her than say, Bella Swan.  Because if you can't take care of yourself, who will?

A Little Theory

Taken from lezitup

Sometimes I feel like film adaptations of books are only released to get people to read more.  And I guess that's why film makers usually make them mediocre.  I have not been so goal-oriented to finish a book since the final Harry Potter because everyone I knew finished it three week before I did because I had to wait that long after the release date.

But there's something nice about reading an actual book.  Feeling the pages between your fingers, lights and pixels not burning your eyes, being able to dog-ear the pages to keep your spot...I forgot how wonderful it was.  And especially with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, there's something authentic about actually flipping the pages quickly to find out what happens next, unlike on a Kindle or a computer screen.  There's just something really genuine about the whole "having an actual book reading" experience.

On Weight Gain

Taken from h-i-p-s-t-3-r-b-a-r-b-i-3-s

So, numbers in general tend to mess with my head.  A lot.  Numbers for GPA, numbers for how much things cost, numbers about weight, numbers about ounces and grams related to food.  And it's the first and the last two that are seriously messing with me right now.  I've been through a lot.  And with all the experience I have being strong and telling people not to give up or whatever advice seems appropriate, I can barely be there for myself right now.  And it's hardest now that the number issues are coming up when it comes to my weight.  I tend to see myself as that number and then I worry that people see it too and judge me.  It's as if I'm projecting all my negativity onto how others view me.  And I feel like they can also see all over me how poorly I'm doing when it comes to academics.  And I am collapsing under my own pressure.  Or my own weight, if you will.

On Stress and Coffee

Taken from faerie-floss

The thing about me is that I like food.  It's yummy and flavorful and (sometimes) nutritious and just all this goodness.  And another thing about me is that I stress out and eat more food than I generally need to.

I used to counteract that stress by drinking coffee to feel chipper and more awake and all the other beautiful benefits of caffeine.

Stress makes me worry about everything.  Such as noticing the correlation between food consumption and lessened coffee intake.  Apparently, it keeps me thinner.  I'm definitely going to go back to regular drinking it for enjoyment, not necessity.

Open Letter to the Girl With the Alarm

Taken from hopingfortheshore

Dear Girl with the Alarm,

You know who you are.  The girl with the alarm which has that amazingly annoying jingle.  Just please, please, please, turn it down a bit.  Some of our hallway is suffering.  Perhaps you like to be up at 8 AM, but apparently not because it keeps ringing and ringing and ringing.  And some of us like to get our "study rest."  It's like beauty sleep but to optimize studying.  Being awoken that early in the morning fuels my caffeine addiction.  Plus, I have this awful slash sometimes magical ability to not be able to go back to sleep until it is night time and time to go back to bed to greet the next day.

Now, maybe it's some kind of revenge for me watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report first thing in the morning.  Or maybe for me being loud when closing my door because otherwise it stays open.  So clearly I am guilty in the morning noise department too.  But please turn down your alarm. It'll make everything more peaceful and people like me won't have to vent frustration on my blog.

I am fairly certain I know who you are judging but human faulty directional hearing, and if it is not who I think, who I keep accusing of the alarm, I am deeply sorry for misjudging.  But whoever owns that alarm, for the love of God, please turn it down or shut it off since you don't even get up to shut it off in a timely manner.

Sincerely,

Irate Floormate

P.S.: It is quiet hours.

Studying, Studying Yeah

Taken from impio

Every day, waking up, eating breakfast, messing around, then getting dressed, packing my backpack and off to the library I go.  Not much really happens during the day, except for new material crammed in my brain and hoping enough sleep spindles and enough REM happened for me to permanently recall things.  And hoping that this epic three-day romance between differential equations and my brain will actually happen.  Maybe it will click tomorrow like it did just days before the final last semester.  Or maybe I'll be floundering around on the test.  Wait, no, maybe I won't.  I won't.  If psych class taught me one thing, it's to envision success to be successful.  Oh and a bunch of things about schizophrenic art and sleep that I don't actually care about.

A Tale of Two Formals

Taken from partyrehab

There are a lot of things in common with formals.  You get all dressed up and eat food and then enjoy upper quality drinks with close friends and people you might just happen to know.  Some drama usually happens.  Someone drinks too much.  As an all too familiar piece begins, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  But in my case, it was just the best of times.

For both the formals this week, I was equally anxious.  The first of the two formals was actually a date, as in, "I am inviting you because I legitimately think you're cool and cute and want to get to know you better" kind of date.  So of course I was anxious for that.  The boy seemed interested and I did not want to ruin the fantasy, or something equally silly like that.  But then everything goes better than expected.  He's a perfect gentleman, the food is good, you have a lot in common, and exciting things like that.  It doesn't end quite the way you want it to, but there's always the next week.  And what's the worst?  You find out if you have even more things in common?

The second of the two was in the friend zone.  I got all dressed and beautified and met up with people I can have fun with.  There also was good food, but definitely classier music and a more familiar setting.  But it was very nice to just hang out with people into the wee hours of the morning.  A bit of drama happened, but that's to be expected for most periods of life.

But now starts an intense period of studying.  I think I've had my fair share of fun for the end of the semester.

What Not to Talk About with Someone You Might Want to Cuddle

Take from brisaemmim

A person you might want to snuggle with isn't exactly a friend.  You can't really tell them everything considering, oh, it's your second time meeting the person.  So you can't exactly tell them everything about your life.  Just the parts that make you seem interesting in a good way.

There are a myriad of topics to avoid in conversation.  Like how much you like clothes.  Because most boys do not actually care about and if they do, they might not want to cuddle with you because they could possibly like boys a little more.  And for the love of God, do not bring up how much you like ponies.  Specifically, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  Because just because the main demographic is males between 18 and 34 does not mean that every male in that age range likes the show.

It would also be thoroughly wise not to bring up that one best friend of yours who's made quite the impact on your life.  Or really, any other boy in your life that you've ever been involved with.  And it would probably be best to not mention how hard this semester has been for you.  You want to seem positive and energized and not like you're possibly downtrodden by stress and people being absolutely stupid.  Unless he somehow stumbled upon your blog and started reading most of the recent entries.  That would suck slash be awesome because that means there is readership outside your circle of friends.

Speaking of being stupid, you probably want to refrain from liquid courage.  It makes you a lot more vocal about how dumb you think people are and that would definitely be a bad .  Or he could find it amusing, but either way it might not well.

And you want it to end well.  Because you want to get your cuddle on.

A Momentary Resolution

Taken from iheart-myself

I am going to be selfishly happy.
I care too much about people in general and probably not enough about myself.
I will start on Monday.  And it might end on Friday.  WHO KNOWS?
But I'm just going to do things that make me happy.  You want to have lunch at point A?  NOPE, we are eating at point B because Jo is deciding to be selfish.
But then Jo is going to feel bad after a day of being slightly mean and will go back to being pleasant.  But that happens.

Cornucopia of Thankfulness

Taken from baeblemusic:

Hey readers!  As you in the United States know, it is American Thanksgiving Day and as per usual, I will write a bulletted list of everything I am thankful for in life.  In no particular order as usual.  I love making this list because it usually makes me smile while writing it and thinking of the good in my life.

• Jagiellonian University 2011: I am so grateful for this experience.  All the people, all the fun times, all the strange times, and all the work I put in that finally reflected in grades.
• Cornell:  Thank you for never ceasing to surprise me with new challenges, new experiences, new friends and other things.
• Schuyler House: Yes, we might have some disagreements, but this year I have heat (maybe a bit too much) and a large room with which to have guests in.  I am thankful to be in a better dorm.
• My Friends Who Have Stuck Around Since Last Year: Reminiscing about last year is always and I always look forward to whatever adventures we may have next.  Also, thank you for being there during my rough patches.
• Professors: You all teach me so many things and many of you calm my nerves when it comes to grades and whatnot so thank you for preventing yet another nervous breakdown.
• Parents: Thank you for being so understanding of my gluten intolerance weirdness and sending me cookies and bread I can eat without hurting afterwards.
• Internal Transfer Division: Thank you for allowing me to be able to get out the school that was giving me so much and letting me go to another one where I will enjoy what I study.
• Bronies: Thank you guys for bringing love, tolerance, joy, and happiness into my life in the cutest way possible.
• Friends with Cars: Thank you for taking me to places like Walmart and Wegman's so I can feed myself and be able to acquire random things.
• All The Clubs I Signed Up For: Thank you for giving me something to do and new, exciting people to meet.
• Music: Thank you for being the only thing that really gets me through studying.
• BabyCakes NYC: Thank you for that wonderful cook book that never ceases to delight myself and my friends with deliciousness.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

My Little Happy Weekend

Taken from sufficio

It's funny how you reflect on the ways you spent your "crazy" weekends last year to what you're doing now.  You realize, you have more fun meeting people, spending time with friends, making a few new ones, than going out, drinking dranks and doing freshman things like frat parties.  I think I am definitely more of a social butterfly, and by that, I mean, a girl who likes to talk and get to know people, not be wild with the same small group of people and being remembered as that girl.  I had an enjoyable weekend tasting wines, watching My Little Pony with an intimate group of friends, and baking brownies.  And I still feel giddy from all of it.  And it is amazing.

Writing Essays with Jo

Taken from sunshinerosepetal

First, start with a topic and start babbling.  Just keep saying things and things.  Halfway through the first paragraph of an introduction, you'll realized that you have just written something that might need backing up, such as the origins of the thing which you are babbling about.  Or you realize that you know nothing about it and perhaps including more would be a great idea.  A few days later, you'll be done with a draft.  And my God, every first draft for every paper you write is the next worst thing you've ever written in your life.  So then you'll print it out, after marathon testing, and whip out a pen and start dissecting it, scrutinizing every word, and realizing that you suck at tense consistency.  And next thing you know, the entire paper is covered in your chicken-scratch handwriting and things are crossed-out, blackened-out, and there are capital letter screaming improvements at you everywhere.  Oh, and, of course, make sure you're doing this while doing something else.  Like working on math problems or watching a show.  Or while contemplating how to make the coming weekend the best weekend ever.  Or how you're going to do ten points better on your differential equations test even if it's the last thing you do on this good earth.  And make sure that the essay is due a week or so from when this is all happening.  You're guaranteed to get distracted.  And, as if distraction cannot be enough, even consider writing a blog entry about your writing style.  But that improves your writing, so that's okay.

Good at Single

Taken from lesbians-so-many-pretty-ones

Being single again, is weird.  I'm talking truly single.  This time around, there is no best friend who will snuggle you at night, hold your hand in semi-public, to bring you coffee when you're sad...none of that.  You're actually on your own.  I guess it's an open invitation to meet people and smile at stuff at people you might think are cute.    And just trying to be an independent girl who's pretty, put together, and seems to have it all under control.  And relearning basic talking skills that come with trying to connect with people. This is an adventure.

Feeling Terrible

Taken from sunshinerosepetal 

I sat in my room holding my Yelling Bird for half an hour or so this morning.  The skin around my eyes is tender from crying so much.  I feel completely awful.  I feel used, led on, unwanted, and hurt.  Everything hurts.

At least he came to see me like I asked him to.  I wasn't going to let myself be broken up with via phone or text or IM or something really stupid and impersonal like that.  But the visit involved a lot of my tears and a lot of his apologies and a lot us hugging and cuddling and me weeping into his sweater.  I was just hurting so much.

And, I guess with hindsight 20/20, maybe there were signs that he wasn't totally into it.  But that's difficult because we were basically constant throughout the passed two months.  I mean, we did fight twice.  But every couple fights especially when you don't see each other for a while.  And it wasn't for lack of communication.

We talked.  A lot.  He just never thought about it...scratch that, he never thought.  And the part that kills me is that he just didn't know any better.  And that I did everything right and was the best girlfriend ever.  It just sucks.  And I feel terrible.  Just terrible.

What to Do When You're Angry

Taken from oowls

You cry.  You cry a lot.  You cry so much, you could probably use your tears to brew some tea with if you heated it up, but that tea would be super salty, so you wouldn't.

You look like an idiot in the library.  A few moments before you get really angry, you get really happy because of completing number 25 and 26 consecutively from the 161 Things to Do.  And it's the first time you've gotten above a 90 on a test since high school.

You have trouble breathing.  Your chest seems to constrict and you're making noises that you've never heard before because you're hurting that much, but you're not sad, you're angry.  And you're almost never angry.

You cry on your way home after laughing for hours and getting scared and excited by the latest The Vampire Diaries episode that marks the middle of the season.

On your way home, you call your best friend.  Because he's the only boy who's ever really cared about you.  And he's not even a boy anymore; he's a man.  He has a job.   He doesn't wake up in the afternoon on weekends and goes parties.  He does real people things.  And then all the reasons why you're best friends, even though you call each other "Butt Face," become clear.

You stand in the middle of your room and scream, having no way of relieving those awful feelings.  I mean, you're just so frustrated.  The kind of pain you feel is super internalized and you'd love to do something really dramatic like tear your room apart to go along with the yelling.  But you're worried it'll upset the spirits that most likely haunt it.

You go to a gathering with your friends. No one you know is there but it's nice because you're with your friends and being with friends is always nice.  They want to hug you, seeing that you're so angry and seeing how quickly things unraveled.  But you're too angry for hugs.  Actually, physically attention will probably make you even more upset.  And you don't know why, but your skin is just crawling that much.

You sit in front of your computer pounding out a blog entry about being angry.  While listening to Kimya Dawson and belting out every single word to every song of hers you like.  Which seems to include all of them because when she sings her lyrics, you feel like you have a new friend.  Someone who will spend time with you and strangely seems to know how to articulate how you feel when you're feeling it.

You be productive.  You're not going to let your anger over your personal life being half in shambles ruin all the other aspects that you are rocking at right now.  You're going to copy edit that article for that newspaper you tried working for to the best of your copy editing ability and silently wish it could be your job forever.  You're going to, for the first time since high school, ace your math test because you studied so hard and so well for it.  You'll show those current engineers that you're not leaving engineering because you're too dumb for it; you're leaving because there are other things you would rather be doing, trying not to sound pretentious.

The day you confront the reason why you're angry, you're going to dress up like a princess.  But not an old-fashioned princess.  A modern one who wears a ton of jewelry and make up that makes her look radiant and powerful.  You're not going to break.

My First Time Using an iMac

Taken from iXBT Labs

I never really liked Macs.  Mostly for superficial reasons of I simply prefer PCs over them.  But now, after having to use one out of necessity, meaning that the library mysteriously had no available laptops and no available desk computers, I sat at an iMac just to have a computing device.  And I can't say I like it.  The one hear is just a screen, I mean, a hard drive in a SCREEN?  It makes me so confused.  So if you break your screen, you basically lose the computer?  That's unfortunate.  That's really really unfortunate.  And I cannot seem to master this "no right clicking" thing.  Yes, I understand that you can use a setting, but the library computers do not allow for modification.  See also, why I can't write my nanowrimo novel right now.  In addition, I think it's a little too flashy; I prefer minimalism when it comes to my work space, but I guess that works for people who want to make creative things on a computer.  But now that I am using one, I can with more evidence say that I do not enjoy it.  But I can understand why, seemingly, most people at my college and in general prefer them.

Mental Health Day = Want

Taken from deciso

I wish I could safely afford to just stay in, put my mattress on my floor, surrounded by books, and change into my normal study gear: sweatpants and a sports bra and a hat.  But, alas, my schedule does not allow for that.  Most of my classes have lecture-only material that you need to go to the library and rent out just to catch up.  And that won't fix the fact that I missed out for a percent or two of lecture participation because I could not click in with my iClicker.  And all the information I am missing out on.  But my head hurts too much, but I really cannot afford to miss anything.  I wish I could.  But I guess I can do that Saturday, because I am actually sick and tired and need to be well for my prelims.

The Makings of a Bad Day

Taken from myheartishoney

Well, you started sleeping when you should have already started a R.E.M. and had another fucked up dream about running away from finely dressed hipsters trying to beat you up for no reason.  But it's not your fault you had too much fun Saturday night and matched your boyfriend's sleep cycle on Sunday.  But so you jump out of bed at 6:30 to pick courses but first the perfect breakfast needed to be made.  So as you try to delicately balance a mug, a plastic can of granola, a container yogurt, and a bowl, you drop the mug and the bowl and both  shatter on the carpet in front of your room.  So you go back, frustrated and sad, and make yourself that breakfast.  But the blueberries and strawberries don't taste quite as magically as you wished they would, but screw it, you have classes to enroll for.  And that process, as usual, takes about an hour of refreshing the page, relogging in, losing spots in classes, and not having enough time afterwards to sleep in a little.  So you're tired and trying to stay away from coffee to keep awake.  And then you also realize how much work you need to get done because you're losing your weekend to your boyfriend.  And then you realize he might not be coming in the middle of the math problem set due tomorrow.  And that's when it all settles in.

What to Do When Waiting For Emails

Taken from poeticheartache 

So you're in the library not for the reason of studying but because you are too lazy to carry around a laptop, so you borrow a library laptop which seem to be of higher efficiency and quality than yours at home.  And being that you need said laptop, you need it to confirm meetings with professors because it somehow slipped your silly little mind that you have grade report.  But luckily, you remembered with enough time to get that form signed.  And handed in.  And for life to be good.  So what do you in between emails?

Check social networking.

Look for that one missing article that you need to complete the quad of articles required for your nutritional science term paper, which, by the way, you need an amazing grade on.

You recalculate your grades, just to make sure what appears on that form looks good and that you are on the right track for getting out of the college that's been giving you so much misery this past year.

You read interestingly written articles on Thought Catalog.

You wonder if you should get that cookie.

And if the person does not respond quickly, you go to your class and stalk the teacher that you need a grade from.

My Biggest Insecurity

Taken from tiamo-bella

I generally come off as a pretty secure girl.  I usually don't complain about my body, nor am I usually jealous of other girls.  But there's one thing that makes me cringe and hide.  I wish I had smooth skin on my legs.  And no, I'm not talking dimple, cellulite-free legs that grace the legs of models and celebrities.  I could care less about having those.  I want rash and hive-free legs.  Legs that aren't cut-up looking and red.  I want the pale, beautiful legs I have.  They're the right shape, but not to right texture and color.  And it makes me so sad.  Because it's kind of repulsive.  Or at least I see it as such.  Unless that diseased look is in right now.  Which I doubt.

Ten Reasons Why He's My Favorite (N.a.P.)

Taken from sunshinerosepetal

There comes a time in every relationship when you're mad a your other or they're mad at you or something is just going horrifically wrong and you find yourself in the fetal position contemplating every way you could fix it.  That was me last weekend.  And this weekend, everything seems to be working.  He calls me.  We skyped earlier today even.  I saw his face and got really giddy and excited.  But I can't just be giddy and excited when I see him.  I need to be excited most of the time.  Until he actually does something to hurt me.  So since I'm bored and romantic-y, here are ten reasons why Tim is still my favorite.

1. We can watch the same bizarre television shows together.  He likes South Park, I love it.  Almost every show he shows me, I enjoy.  Right now, I'm checking out Arrested Development because it's one of his favorites.  And we have similar humor.  I mean, sure, it's hard to get a guy to like My Little Pony or The Vampire Diaries, but he's slowly starting to accept that it makes me cheerful and it's going to be a topic in conversation.

2. He's soft-spoken.  He's one of those guys that you never would have guessed had an awesome personality if you didn't make the first steps and started talking to him.  That's kind of the story of me and him.  And I'm so glad I kind of creepily clung to him after that one lunch with friends from class.  But he's really shy and it's pretty endearing.  And, this will sound awful, makes me feel comfortable that me and him share this secret of his personality and that I won't have to compete for attention--either from him or other people.

3. We listen to the same music.  Like, exactly the same music.  I show him an indie band, he shows me techno and our musical tastes are both enriched by the exchange.  We go to concerts together, have a great time, and then sit on stoops and talk about how good it was.  We've done this three times so far.  And each concert gets better.

4. He's there for me when I need him.  Sure, last weekend and the days leading up that was an issue, but there are countless times when something at a party or hang out went totally wrong and for some reason or other, I'm scared or in tears and he's there.  He's on the phone, taking a break from his party until I feel better.

5. The way he makes me laugh.  Usually when he writes something funny, it's gut-wrenching laughter.  The most recent I can think of is everytime I say something like "I miss your face."  And he responds with "me too."  And I'm like "damn, boy."  And he says "Yep, I miss my face all the time."  And then we laugh and endorphines are released and life is good.  He's a pretty funny dude, but see point number 2.

6.  He enjoys my baking.  I haven't baked a nonvegan pastry in forever.  And now that I have to eat mostly gluten-free, the Babycakes pastry book has been overly convenient.  And most people like their pastries to be milk-full and egg-full.  But he enjoys mine.  And there's no more awesome feeling in regards to cooking when the person you're dating, who you spend time baking and planning meals for, enjoys eating them.

7. The way we snuggle.  Not going to lie, the first time I went to sleepover at his room in Poland, I was worried snuggling might be uncomfortable.  He's six feet tall and is a bean pole.  But he is just so much taller and longer than I that he basically forms a crescent around my small frame.  And he just holds me so close.  Like, I can feel his chin on my shoulder.  The best feeling: when he kisses my shoulder before falling asleep and upon waking.  It's just so comforting and I can't wait to enjoy it in two weeks.

8.  He's a computer science major, I suck at computer science, and we get along perfectly.  People have asked us what we talk about.  But there are things pertaining to majors, such as future plans, that transcend dislike and disinterest.  And honestly, I find it completely adorable when he gushes over his computer architecture class.

9. He lets us do our own thing.  He likes driving around with his friends, I like watching hulu with mine.  He goes to parties, I stay in and watch shows and blog.  We totally respect each other's time spending.  As long as some contact is maintained.  Like, when we party, we call each other to feel like we're enjoying the experience together.  And we giggle at the silly things that are happening and it isn't too obnoxious.  Except for when we get to the slurry part.  Then it gets completely obnoxious.  And now to round out the list...

10. He is really attractive.  What can I say?  Like most normal girlfriends,  I am attracted to my boyfriend.  He's tall, lean, handsome, has gorgeous eyes, and a great personality.  What's not to like?

Weirdest Feeling of Nostalgia

Taken from sunshinerosepetal

Today, for the first time ever, I ate at a dining hall all by myself.  As in, I went in by myself and sat by myself.  I did not meet any of my friends there.  And it was weird.  Mostly because I felt totally out of place as a sophomore who does not live on North campus going to a freshman dining hall.  I did not even eat at that dining hall all too often.  But the meal I had was just such a staple that I couldn't help be brought back to the few times I ate there.  But I got most nostalgia from the freshman.  Saving between six and twelve seats at a table for them and all their friends.  Screaming at each other.  Talking about all the gossip in their social circles.  I know those things aren't unique to freshman, but they are definitely definitive of freshman.  And to complete my freshman-year dining experience, I got food poisoning.  Which makes my food poisoning count at Cornell, four.

Glamourized

Taken from deciso 

Thought Catalog makes everything sound so profound and pretty.  Maybe it's the power in the words, or the actual content, but everything just sounds so good.  And emotional things, even something mild like the ritual of getting ready for a Friday night can sound profound and beautiful.  I wish I could write like that.

I want to make the way I'm feeling like something brokenly beautiful.  Like there's something glamorous about sitting in on a Saturday night, reading your psychology like it's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and remembering as many details of both books.  My phone's off so even if there were more exciting things happening tonight, I'm wholly unaware.  I'll just pretend I'm content watching South Park and reading psych.  Because it's the only emotionally-neutral thing I'm doing tonight.  Besides, you know, trying to not think about the fact that my boyfriend hasn't reached out to me in a day.  Or has been acting like much of a boyfriend in general.  I need to disappear so he can remember me.  But maybe he won't.  I don't think he will.  And that's what I have to ignore.  And the writers of Thought Catalog would make this sound a whole lot more fucking beautiful.

Like a Dumbass

Taken from myheartishoney:

Am I the only one who does not have a lot due, but has a lot to do?  I'm laying in bed sick, under my covers, with my Yelling Bird in my arms, wishing for the self-imposed workload to go away and my sickness to go away so I can go back to being productive, fun and awesome.  I have tutoring and a meeting tomorrow, and feeling slightly unprepared for both.  I mean, can you get tutoring for just derping on tests?  Knowing answers, writing wrong ones, showing a total disconnect between knowledge and testing.  Second half of the semester is a new half of the semester, right?

This October

Taken from myheartishoney

I want you in my arms for more than a day.  Can you be there for two days?  Can I be in your arms for some of the days?  We can share a bed together and be in each other's arms.  And then we can get all bundled up and share some coffee from Stella's while holding hands, finding a bench or something to sit on.  I just want to see my favorite.  Why do I have to wait so long?  I mean, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the heart get a slight case of the aches.  Or maybe that's just it pounding from the current stress.  But I just want to see you a lot.  Maybe even go to a Halloweekend party together.  In something really cute and matchy...but I don't think you want to.  Have matching costumes, I mean.  I should you want to see me.

Stress and Pressure

Taken from fleetingfoxes

I don't know what's gotten into me these days, but the excitement, rigor, enthusiasm, and determination I had to kick this semester in the ass has just died on me.  Like, I genuinely feel like it's not going to happen.  My transfer isn't going to happen.  That it's just going to be a repeat of when I really wanted to get into Brown, I did everything right, and yet somehow it didn't happen.  But I really don't want that to happen with transferring out of engineering.  I don't know.  Maybe my grades will rescue themselves.

Testing Monster

Taken from myheartishoney

All this studying is turning me into a butt.  Or, as most people would say, an ass.  I sit at home all day.  Studying. I come out when I need to.  Like for food, or class, or some meeting that could help me in the class.

And while I'm studying, everyone is being fun and cool.  They're going to parties.  They're wasting time watching a film together.  And I'm by myself studying because it seems like everything that is life is detrimental to my success.  Or lack there of.  And then I start reverting to bad mental habits that kept me locked up on weekends throughout most of high school.  And it seems like no one understands or wants to join to me or anything having to do with interacting with me.  And if these people are different, why do they all treat me the same?

When I See You

Taken from sufficio

I think I might actually slap you or something.  I don't know.  I just want to build something that can you get you here like now.  Or get me there like now.  Because I need a break from being alone all the time.  Because everyone smokes pot and no one actually cares about how isolated it makes me feel.  And I hate your card company crap right now.  You could be here right now.  Reminding me that there are people who enjoy both weed and spending time with me.  And instead of me sitting here feeling dumb as shit for getting so excited just for disappointment that we won't spend a whole weekend together, we'd be snuggling right now.  But that's not the case.  Another Friday of me just wishing there was something better to do.  Except, you know, being thoroughly disappointed.  But what's another 20 hours?  Disapproval.  Towards everything.

College Living

Taken from suckmyclock

It involves lots of tea.  Lots of waiting.  Lots of paper getting torn to shreds by erasers and frustration.  Lots of pencils being used up.  Lots of pens lacking ink.  Lots of coffee and coffee drinks.  Lots of episodes of television being watched with friends while eating cookies.  Lots of reading; page after page, line after line, of reading.  Lots of walking up and down hills.  Lots of walking just in general.  Lots of note taking and lots of lists just make up the lives of an average sophomore.

A Fourth Grader

Taken from gahdengremlins

You went to school like it was any other day.  Well, any other gym day, so instead of wearing your normal school uniform, you wore your baggy and comfortable gym clothes.  And school had just started.  So we barely got through our first class when they ushered the whole school downstairs.  We just heard something super bad happened downtown and a lot of kids were being picked up as soon as possible by their parents.  They lived close by to the event.  And slowly one by one, they left the building in a hurry.  My dad picked me up relatively early because he was worried that we wouldn't be able to leave.

I remember him telling me that one of the towers fell.  And in my little nine-year-old head, it made zero sense. How can a building just fall?  They're supposed to not do that.  But then walking home up 7th avenue, there the second one stood.  With a backdrop of the clear blue sky, it was just there.  Smoking.  There were flames.  My dad and I stood with onlookers.  Some people ran downtown.  As we're about to walk back, I remember hearing my dad whisper "holy shit."  It was the first time I heard him swear.  And I turned around with him.  And it came down.  It just stacked on top of itself and I thought things usually fell over; not straight down.  These were such petty thoughts, but nothing made sense.  People were screaming and it was just completely unreal.

I remember coming home and when my dad put the key in our door, I asked him, "Dad, did that seriously just happen?"  And he nodded.  I went home and turned on the television.  Everything about it was horrifying.  Scarier than the Ghost Ship movie I had seen with my friends at a sleepover a few weeks ago.  The events of the day came so much clearer but it was still really bizarre.  The most horrifying thing for me, besides, you know, the whole situation, was the video footage of people falling off the side of the building.  I'm still horrified of heights and it took me back to literally a few days prior when my dad and I went to the top as part of a touristy loop of NYC we did.  We made it to the top.  And I looked down and imagining someone dropping down from there was just mind-numbing.  I shut off the telly and watched something cheerful, like Dora the Explorer.  And I was 9.  The worst was thinking about how that could have happened.  And it still is.

Rewatching the footage with half a morbid fascination, it remains as terrifying.  Hearing the stories of people being there in the towers, I can't imagine what I would do.  And looking back, I became terrified of everything, just because I saw it.  And it's silly.  I know it's not as significant as losing someone or being there or helping people and not being sure if you'd make it out alive, but that day was just something that you could not forget if you tried.

Support Beams

Taken from analyzing

I'm sorry I call you at ridiculous hours of night.  Just because it's a little too dark for comfort.  And I'm a little too out of it to be alone, under a brilliant guise of "it's fine, guys, I'll be just fine."  But you're there for me.  You're starting to be able to tell when I'm not okay.  I love the way you keep me level.  The way you're getting better at comforting.  The way you listen and give advice when advice is almost the last thing I want at the moment.  Just the way you are.  Thanks for being there.

A Little Note on My Classes This Semester

Taken from brisaemmim

So I think I've got it figured out.  The most time-consuming class is a tie between physiology and intro to psych.  The least time consuming in terms of getting homework done will be physics, math, and nutrition.  The classes I will find easiest are physics, nutrition, and psych.  The hardest, without a doubt, will be math.  Math will also be the most time consuming in terms of understanding (I already have an office hours schedule going...I am very cool).  I do two extracurriculars: Polish club and soccer.  It'll keep my life interesting and school-free enough that I feel like a human being and not just some book-bound, skillful reading android who occasionally solves complex math equations.  Or draws graphs.

Books, Books, Books

Taken from brisaemmim

I don't think after college I'll be picking one up for a while.  Or I'll get so sick of reading textbooks, taking notes on everything, scrutinizing the details, and cramming it into my head....well, I'm not cramming yet.  More like trying to fill a suitcase for a short trip with all the clothes I could ever possibly need.  I think when I get the time to read a non-textbook will be the best day of my life so far.