Depression Hurts

Um...like no shit, it does. I am apologizing in advance for every profanity spoken in this entry. Well, I mean, people cannot function when they are depressed. Plain and simple.

I have not gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Either I had to be up early (on tour) or I do not fall asleep until 2 A.M. or I get nightmares during the night. It really hurts. And now, there is some form of subconscious anorexia or something going on, because I cannot eat. I have a slice of toast with a slice of tomato and I am full. I try eating another one, and I get heartburn. I really sucks. And I don't want to get all the complications related to not eating enough. But I am eating a balanced diet...whatever, it is still scary.

I guess they just say stuff like "Where does depression hurt?" just to give the people who have never had it some verbal idea of what it is like. They even show people with really emo expressions on their faces. Well, with the people I know, it's a slew of "I'm fine's" until they give up on you. Until you're like "shit, I am alone."

The loneliness is the worst. You have no freaking clue how to occupy yourself because you've isolated yourself so badly. And I so many people have left me. I've lost...about 12 friends this year. Twelve CLOSE friends. I have lost any form of integrity of being myself just because like...if barely anyone likes you, is it really okay to still be you?

That's the question I am trying to answer.

And nothing fits.

iNerd

(I figured making the title with an iTunes-esque type would help my case).

I like learning. Ever since I got my textbooks, I have been reading all of them. With no jokes, either. The theology textbook is so poorly written, I got a good lesson in English grammar rather than scripture. I attempted at reading the Spanish book of short stories and honestly, I barely got a thing. All I understood was some kid was involved in a trial in which the prosecutor was anal abot information pertaining to the trial. Beowulf was fun to read, especially how everyone who had any balls or muscles was extremely, extremely in Anglo-Saxon England...and was worshipped for it.


I decided to start teaching myself German. So far, I can only conjugate -en verbs in the present tense. And that making something plural can actually change the gender, which is interesting. I have been on the greatest Rammstein phase ever. I. Can. Not. Stop. Listening. To. Them. They are so GOOD! I saw the Mann Gehen Mann (which means "Man Against Man") music video and I was like "EW!" But they're rock gods they don't need sex appeal. I saw some live videos and in all honesty, I get turned on by people who are sick at the guitar or bass. And then I get a hyperactivity fit.

So what else...I want to learn how to cook too. I got made fun of on Rein tour for not being able to, so I want to change that. I want to not fail on my own in life. Although...I know how to make eggs and sandwiches. Woohoo...go me.

Insecurity

I am not going to go off onto a big rant as to how insecure I am not. I am just going to talk about how insecure I am.

There's too much about me that I would really like to change. Not so much about looks, but something about my personality keeps people away. I have been described as scary, adorable, weird, independent...from a multitude of people. I have no clue what my friends would describe me as.

Some say I am a great person because I worry more about other people than I do myself. And that is because...I guess I just sometimes feel like I am not going to have a purpose in life besides getting other people through life and having my life perpetually put on hold. But you know...maybe that is just going to be my life...

An endless cycle of helping with no time to fix issues that are kicking me somewhere that is like an emotional funny bone.