Wow, I'm Feeling Hopeless

As everyone who knows me knows,
I am almost never obvious about
Whether or not something is bothering me.

Part of me wishes I was, but my
Lack of pride doesn't want to be
Known as a drama queen.

But it's just...

I don't even know.
I'm just horrifically down and energyless.

Maybe it's my sore throat and
My body image and
The recent school drama and
My academic fail and
Other crap.

Like, I honestly just want to crawl under
My covers with one of my stuffed animals,
In my pj's and stay there.

I think I might be slipping slowly into
A down.
Which is unusual, considering crashes happen
Randomly and over the stupidest crap.

I think it's because of my jealousy of people.
I'm such a closed person.
As stated earlier, if something's wrong,
90% chance you won't know it.
I see some of my friends and they
Can practically look at each other and
Know what the other is thinking.
I wish I had that kind of closeness.
I also watch the various groups of friends
All share ideas and agree and stuff like that.
I want to know what it's like to be part of
Something or to belong somewhere.

Which is why I like relationships.
I feel like I belong somewhere,
Be it in someone's arms or in someone's heart.
And all I want now is that closeness, where it's like:

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"



And adults thought the 80's were crazy.
Seems like there's nothing like
Straightforwardness in the world anymore.

All this behind-the-back internet stabbing.
Really? Calling someone out on their wall
For everyone to read and not expecting
To get in trouble for it?

Using my ability to quote reality TV,
Like Frank the Entertainer said,
"I show my true colors. They might not
Be very bright, but I show my fucking
True colors."
One way to do that is to be straight up
And not cause drama surrounding a wall post.
If someone is giving you that much
Trouble, just freaking tell them about it.

Oh and to clarify a few things
That people have said to me in
The passed few days:

~No, my boyfriend isn't egotistical. Just because he is trying to be the best guy ever doesn't mean he has an ego issue.
~Yes, he is Jewish, but that doesn't mean he killed Jesus.
~No, OBVIOUSLY my boyfriend isn't fucking gay! I love gay people and I love my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean he's gay.


Yet Another Letter

Dear Poofy Hair,

You are not being clingy.
Clingy is when you can't go through
Like an hour without being with or contacting that person.
Clingy is where they go to the corner
And you're screaming about where the hell have they been.
When you text them every five seconds about
Who they're with
Where they are
And why you're not invited to that party.


Honestly, I'd be a little concerned
If you were all "lol whatever" about it.

Because everyone hates feeling ignored.
Clingy has nothing to do with that.
And like I said earlier,

I wish I had some sane advice to offer.
So I shall offer my insane advice and maybe
It'll cheer you up a bit.
You can stalk him to school.
Randomly show up at his house.
You could give him a wall post being
"Hey what's up?
We haven't talked in forever."

Oh and about the hanging up-ness...
Don't feel like you're being ridiculous just
Because me and Cave-boo see each other half as
Often as you and Michael saw each other.
It's like when you're absent from school
And we don't see each other everyday:
It's just weird.
So don't get hung up over that.

Much love hugs and face-licks,


I Hate Being a Girl Sometimes (Rant)

So most people define a body image disorder as a condition where a perfectly healthy, physically fine-looking girl envisions herself as being grossly overweight and then proceeds to get into anorexia, bulimia, or some other eating disorder in order to look what her mind envisions as being thin and perfect.

My situation is the opposite.

I tend to envision myself as someone with the body of say Jessica Biel and on, what I call, pretty days I feel like I look that way so I'm a totally egotistic asshole because I feel so fucking hot. But then I go shopping, look into the mirror and then my image of myself is totally shattered and goes to the complete opposite.

So it's a roller coaster ride between me thinking I'm really hot and me feeling like a total fatass. Well, I'm not a fat ass--I actually have a really nice ass. Try more like...round-belly. Yeah, that's more like it. I feel like I'm a total pear-shape: all the fat I accumulate disgustingly goes to my stomach and ass and thighs and I bulge out like a water balloon. I know that's not true.

That's the truly pathetic part: I know I probably look fine. I know there are people that want to do me. I know that there are girls who want my body. And for some stupid reason my own HEAD can't see that either. And it's usually especially around my time of the month. Because I bloat a lot.

The other thing is: I need to come face to face with the reality that I'll never be pencil skinny. You know, the girls that can wear everything except for that tiny denomination of "curvy girls" clothing. On second thought, I've come to that realization already. I'm just stupid and immature sometimes.

Like, whenever I go shopping, I need someone with me. Someone who can objectively look at me and say that whatever I'm trying on looks great/ fine/ there's probably better stuff out there for me to wear. Because I can't do that for myself. And it is really sad. Like, the pair of shorts I bought? On normal days, they look great on me. On days like these? Nothing does. Not even body-hiding sweat clothes.

A Short Letter

Dear Aunt Flo,

I hate you.
So much.

Thanks for nothing.
I don't need the following things:

~Mood swings
~Bad body image
~Overeating spurts
~Followed by overexercising spurts.

Take me off your send list.




The Sims 2 is just too much fun.
My multi-racial family
Just had a set of twins.
But hopefully no one will die
Of needs failure, since there
Are four adults in the house to
Take care of the kids.

It's too much fun.
And I have ten chapters of
Theology homework to finish.

Go me!



Ever get that feeling
That you're so excited to see
Someone that everything
You do before you see them
Revolves around them?

That silly little
Feeling when your stomach
Does somersaults
And back flips
And front flips
And side flips
And hand stands
While your heart is pounding away a mile a minute?

The thoughts you get
When someone only mentions the
Person's name and
Even if it has nothing to
Do with them, your mind
Flocks to happy, silly thoughts
Of them?

I can't wait to take my
Camera and capture the happy,
Silly moments today.
Between the fried chicken,
The waffles, South Park, the snuggling,
And just the general feeling of happiness
All around.


Bloc Part(ies) And Homework

Most incredible concert last night.
Never have jumpsuits looked so cool.
The crowd was relatively tame,
Nothing like what went on
At the other concert I went to.
I managed to snap some really good pics,
Considering that me and Poofy hair were
About...three rows away from the barricade.

Weight issue is turning into less of
An issue, except that bagel this
Morning might have been a really
Bad idea. I worked it off though.
I also had salad for lunch.
It was okay, but my legs are
Crazy-itchy from the dressing.
That was prolly the other bad food
Idea I had today.
Oh, and pop'ems.

But tomorrow will be fun.
More bad food decisions to be made.
But they are made for love.
Yay waffles, fried chicken, South Park,
Cave-boo, and my inability to sing.



I haven't been posting daily
Because I need to figure out my own head.
Okay, not my head,
My body.

I have hit such an
All-time high with how much I weigh
And an all-time low with how much
I don't like the way I look now.

But I am working at it.
I'm freaking eating a fruit-yoghurt-salad
Thing instead of my usual bagel or
English muffin or toast breakfast.

I'm not even done with
Half the bowl and I'm already full.
I'm sure I can save the rest as a snack.

I'm so glad Cave-boo and Jamaica
Are being so supportive.
At first Jamaica tried pulling the
"You're still hot anyway" card
But then I explained that it's an actual
So now they're willing to help out.
And that makes me happy.

Because honestly,
"You're still hot anyway"
Never works.



I'm in love with Cave-boo.
I hope he reads my blog and smiles.

But anyhow.
I am hungry.
All the calories in root beer is keeping
Me away from "OMG GET THE FUCK AWAY"
State of hunger.

I'm starting this new sprint-jogging
Cardio workout thing
That I hope will be fun and work.
I feel so heavy right now.


Kiss Me, Kiss Me, (Kiss Me Again)

Sitting in a car for 8 hours,
Listening to a myriad of songs,
I had lots of time to dwell on things.

I didn't have reception have the time
And Cave-boo was off skiing,
And my phone is being stupid (4,5,6 don't work).

So me and being bored
Locks me up in my own head.
My own head is starting to hurt from thinking.

So where do I begin?

I listen to a fuckload of love songs.
Love songs about being in love.
Love songs about failed love.
Love songs about unrequited love.
Love songs about longing for love.

Makes me think of what love is.
Like what's the difference being loving someone
And being in love with someone.

I mean, I knows there like
"I want to fuck you like an animal" love,
And "You're my best friend" love,
And "We're related so we must love each other" love,
And "I genuinely want you to be happy and
Would sacrifice myself for that" love,
And then there's love.

I bet the "animal" love is what
Many people feel towards me.
"Related" love is what I feel towards my parents.
And, as cynical as I am,
"Friend" love is what I feel towards everyone.

So that gets me thinking:
What does Poofy-hair feel towards My Twin Brother?
What does Lithuania feel for My Best Friend?
What does Cave-boo feel for me?
What do I feel for Cave-boo?

I can't write about stuff I don't know,
But I'll write about what I do know:
What I feel towards Cave-boo.

He's incredible, seriously.
Like Sneekiss said, "The more you talk about him,
The more he's sounding like your dream boy."
And I mean...
GYAH I have too hard a time talking about
My feelings...the fuck?
But he treats me well and I feel like
I have a shit load to make up to him
Since I'm such an emotional basket case.
I mean, I've never had a guy
Who was willing to punch someone for hurting
Me in addition to getting my end of the story.
Like...wow I'm gushing.
But I feel something towards him
And I guess it's love...whatever that is.
I just want him to be happy and stuff.
And I care.
And he makes me happy as hell.

(I think about him more than other things...)



Today was fun.
I still have a lot of break to go.
I still have a lot of work to do.
I still am kind of hungry.
I still know that I should not be eating.

I like the color green,
It really looks good with my hair.
And it brings out my eyes.
And it's the color of St. Patty's Day.
I'm not remotely Irish,
But in New York,
Everyone is Irish on St. Pat's.

Unity is fun too.


Watchmen: A Movie Review

Based on the graphic novel that is apparently on Time magazine top 100 books of all time, Watchmen follows the adventure of outlawed masked vigilantes and a radioactive electric blue naked man named Doctor Manhattan. The plot is pretty much that one of them is killed, the extremely neurotic one goes on a rampage to find out who did it, Dr. Manhattan goes away to Mars, and this other dude is trying to start a Utopia. Having finished the novel two days before seeing it, I remembered a lot of key plot points and the movie seemed to stay faithful to the book. But it was glorious as a movie as well.

I never told my parents that it was rated R...if they had been there, they would have thought: "For good reason." I am usually not a squeamish person, but I had to close my eyes and flinch a little during some scenes. Some I tried prepping for, such as the scene with Rorschach's first criminal investigation, but that did not work. But I am sure there are PG-13 rated movies with the same amount of gore and violence. Therefore, the real reason why it was rated R: Doctor Manhattan's blue penis. Not the rampant sex between various characters and the easy hookers walking down the streets of 1985-Manhattan. It was that blue penis. If there's any way to make most people uncomfortable, just unleash the penis. In the words of Forrest Gump: "And that's all I have to say about that."

The music was phenomal too. I mean, it was so appropriate during some scenes, especially the opening sequence. During others...it was hysterically funny. For those of you who have seen the movie, remember "Hallelujah"? The best though, was the "Flight of the Valkyries" theme when Doctor Manhattan destroyed people and things while in Vietnam. It was so epic and so appropriate but for whatever reason really funny. Speaking of the radioactive electric blue naked man, I liked his voice. Reading the novel, I sort of imagined it as distant and sort of innocent but marred by something dark. Billy Cruddup had the best voice for it, hands down. Initially, it might seem a bit awkward, considering his character is massively ripped. It works though.

Overall, I really liked the movie and would recommend it to anyone. The novel is great too...so great, that I used it in my SAT essay.

Rating: 9/10


Fuck the SAT

Yesterday was fantabulous.
Any situation that gets me
Laughing to the point that
My head starts aching is
A good situation...

Well except for South Park.
And chilling with the Black
and White Cookie.
That can get really politically

The SAT wasn't fun.
I got nine hours of sleep that
Night and I was still tired
After the test. I took a nap.

And what woke me up
Was the fact that Cave-boo
Was coming soon and I realized
That I won't have time to wash
My hair so that it looks pretty
For today.

Because it's PBD's birthday luncheon
And I'm going to the movies with Cave-boo.
To see Watchmen: the great comic book
About radioactive naked blue men and sluts in
Yellow suits fighting a neurotic man who believes
In Utopia.

Today will be fun.
Especially the chili part after the
Movie. I've never made food with a guy,
But making food is fun with people
In general, so it should be fun.



Today a priest came to our school.
Well, priests come to our school
All the time, since we are a private
Catholic school on a quiet corner
In New York's Upper East Side.

He talked about the kids he works
With. Well, not really kids, but people
Who missed out on a real childhood.
He was really good. He perfectly mixed
Humor with seriousness with sadness.

Burying 165 kids? That's intense.
And he got emotional after every
Story he told about a dead kid.
And I felt really...I don't know
How to describe it. Foreign, I guess.

I don't know what it's like
To get super emotional over
People dying. I mean, this woman I knew
At Church died this year, so did the
Lady I fed at the nursing home, I have
No grandparents, one of my uncles
Died a few years ago. I only sort of wept
Over the lady at the nursing home.

I didn't really know any of
My relatives well. Like, I'm not
Too close with my relatives.
They're all in Poland or too
Busy to like get to know me.
Or they're too conservative and
I'm too crazy for a calm connection
To be made.

I also don't know what it's like
To get super-emotional for a reason.
I always crash randomly.
Or I have too much on my mind
And I don't realize it until the most
Random thing turns me into
A hysterical, crying mess.
I wish there were reasons.


I Fail At Mentioning Things

My mind is wheeling.
Kind of like a kaleidescope.
From SAT, to relationships,
To college, to tomorrow,
To Friday, to Saturday, to Sunday,
To Watchmen, to food,
To salt, to my mild-bipolar-disorder,
To...where else can my mind go?

Just another day in my mind.
Thoughts going by faster than I
Can remember them.

I just don't get why I'm
Randomly crashing.
My back is hurting.
I don't remember PMS starting
Three weeks before your
Next period.

Maybe it's just the stress of
Junior year and life
It's been quite the ride.

I like to think
I'm a better version of
But sometimes I wonder...


"Woo honey let’s go dancing"

I have no idea what to write about today.
Should I rant on the weird sense of
Misplacement I feel around half
The smart girls in my class
Who are basing their college decisions
Partially on their boyfriends?
Or how the Hobbit strangely likes me?
Or how funny I think Watchmen is (it's
A good story but some of the illustrations
Are amusing)?
I think I'll write about them all.

Act I: Boyfriends + College

So it was physics class.
Upstate Girl and BumbleBee were
Talking about colleges they'd want to
Go to and about their boyfriends.
Upstate Girl's boyfriend is going to college.
BumbleBee's boyfriend is in college.
They're worried that they're making
Their college decisions based on their
Boyfriends. They're bf's are at least
In decent schools or going to decent schools.
And they sort of looked at me as if I had
Some advice to offer as to what they should do.
I don't have any.
I could say "Break up if you aren't seeing each other."
But it's not really my place to say
Something like that. So I just kept the conversation
Focused on the academics of college.
I guess that was a smooth move.

Act II: The Hobbit + Me

For most of the year,
I thought she like hated me.
Royally hated me.
Like, "If I could, I would alter this
Kid's grades to make her barely pass" hate.
But I think she likes me.
Because we're pretty much polar opposites.
I'm pessimistically sarcastic
And the woman is just so positive.
And it's sort of interesting.
She seems to dislike the kids that are
Like her: the optimistic ones and the one that
Is always cheerful, yet brown-noses.
I don't know if I'm being too harsh or
Whatever, but deal with it.

Act III: Watchmen

It is a really good graphic novel.
Not that I've read many,
But it's really good from
What I've read
And I'd honestly rather be reading it now
Than the "Rime of the Mariner."
But some of the animation is just ridiculous.
Like the random melting faces,
And the naked blue man,
And the weird noises people make when
But it's really good.
So far all I gathered is:
"The comedian is dead."
Naked blue man can't stay as one person.
Silk Spectre got raped.
Rorschach beats the crap outta people.
And the Soviets are involved...

It's all good though.


Haven't Felt so Good In A Long While

Dear Cave-boo,

I totally changed your nickname.
Deal with it. =]

About last night...
That was amazing.
And not just physically.
I haven't felt that awesome
In so long,
Mostly because I'd feel so down
I'd ignore my magnesium intake
And that'd send me even further down.

But yesterday I felt awesome.
Because (I think) I'm special again
To someone
That I think is pretty cool and special.
And not just in a physical way.
You're just generally awesome.

Happy Purim (whatever that's about).



Things That Are the Equivalent of Sex

I figured I write a funny blog for once,
Not another poem laced with bitterness
And irateness and general anger.

I'm trying to focus on the good things in life.
Like root beer and sugar highs
And sugar comas.
The feeling you get when someone says
Something so indescribably special-making
That you're in a good mood all day.
Nutella with whipped cream on waffles
Sounds delicious.
The rush you get when one of your favorite
Songs from one of your favorite
Bands is featured in a really-good-looking movie.
The rush you get from a phone call from
Someone kinda awesome.

Those are the things keeping me sane
Right now.
Keep them coming!


Being Tired Isn't Fun

This tidbit might sound more like an acid trip
Than actually being tired.
But I swear I'm tired.

So last night,
I'm staying up until midnight
Writing (another) essay.
No face time, barely any IMing.

In my frustration,
I started yelling at Elizabeth Bennet,
Lydia Bennet, the Sons of Liberty,
and the Red Coats.
Because I had a history and English essay to write.

Then I went to bed at midnight
And couldn't sleep until one.

I so did not want to wake up
This morning.
Because of the history and theology
Tests I had to take.

Then the rooms changed colors.
From grey to yellow to red
To blue...
It was scary.

Me being tired is not a good thing.


I Like Chili

My mind is frying
Due to all the tests I take,
All the essays I write,
And all the stress I'm under.
And because of the fact that
I'm getting zero face time
This weekend because I
have three tests on Monday.

Dearly beloved, I don't wish
This on any of you.
Even the beloved that I don't like.
I like all my beloved but
Some of them annoy from time to time.

Sitting around, trying to get the first
Page of a 4-page essay over with
Before my violin recital, I decided
To download a CD.

I bet you're waiting for something
Completely profound, like how
Procrastination puts my life on hold.
But that's not the case.

And yeah, there's nothing profound
About me downloading a CD.

And there's nothing profound about the title either.

I just like chili.


Potato Potato

Dear My Best Friend,

I take full liberty of the fact
That you don't read
My blog.

This is everything I'd tell you,
If only you had more time for me.

We talked today for a bit.
You talked all about yourself.
You didn't ask about how I was.
For all you know,
Could be depressed,
Cutting myself,
Wanting to die,
Puking up the contents of my stomach,
Snorting coke while smoking weed,

Lucky for you, I'm not doing any of those things.
But what if I was? And I needed you?
You wouldn't be there.
Those emails I sent you?
You never responded.
You didn't ask how I was.
I doubt you'd care.

I mean, you've been through high school already.
What's it matter to you?
The silences tonight?
I was kinda waiting for you to ask
"So how've you been?"

But even if you did ask,
I prolly wouldn't say much.
There's no need.
I mean, you'd read and it'd be
Just so goddamn boring.
Because life is ACTUALLY GOOD
for once since we broke up.
And if you do read this,
I hope you know that.
And I made that happen
Without your help
Or you awareness.

That dumb Polish bitch who still goes to Loyola


Sick Freaking Puppy (Donde Esta Mi Ego?)

PMS really sucks.
For the dudes who read this blog,
I'm really sorry that you have to read this.
But you can spare yourselves that by ignoring this
Entry and reading tomorrow's.

But it sucks.
My mood swings and I started crying
For no reason. Well there was a reason.

I'm really really concerned for everything
To be perfect between me and Caveman,
especially after the failure of October 25th.
And the pain I felt afterward.
I want everything to be perfect from my end.
And not in that "everything is all right" kind of perfect.
The kind of perfect that there is still a sense of
Security when things aren't going ideally.

I know that sounds like gibberish
And Caveman, if you read this, please
Please PLEASE don't feel pressured to live up
To any form of expectation.
As corny as this sounds,
I like you the way you are.
You don't need to be like anyone else.
I just want us to work out really well, you know?

Wow I am totally PMSing,
But that's what's going through my head.
And I love the people who have to deal with it
Very much. I also feel bad for them that they have to deal
With me like this.


Happy Monday!

Last night,
It was technically Monday,
I received happy news that there would be no school.

And that is very happy news for many reasons.
The main one being that I don't have to recite the
Speech I memorized for speech class for another week.

And also I get to hang out with Poofy Hair and
Shenaynay and maybe even Taniqua.
Maybe Caveman too but that's a lot of Caveman for one week.

But snow is fun.
And I made breakfast for myself this morning.
Cream cheese and jam and toast and juice is always good.

I weighed myself this morning too.
And I'm absolutely baffled because I'm pretty skinny
Yet weigh the same as I did when I was relatively fat.

I sort of want to see a doctor about it,
Because it's impossible that it's all boob and ass weight.
Although it totally could be.

But I have no ass anymore...



I just realized how trippy my dreams are.
This one started off as Lord of the Rings...
Where teams of everyone I know are broken up
Into teams of nine: 4 people you like, 5 you don't.
So I was ringleader of my team.
Mine consisted of Poofy Hair, Caveman, Best Friend, Just Fabulous,
Principessa Bella Diva, Asshat, PBD's parents, and myself.
So we're in this huge ass hotel outside of Mordor,
Waiting go skiing.
If you don't recall correctly from Peter Jackson's movies,
Mordor is a firey, desert wasteland.
So the other teams are there is a huge
Lavish lobby where everyone is congregating.
Food gets put out for everyone to eat.
On the menu: buffalo chicken wings, jelly beans, cookies,
"Cheesecrack" (aka cheesecake), yellow rice, beans, chicken,
And more.
I'm digging in with my team and then the elevator announces
That someone else's team is going up to the top
Floor to ski.
On the top floor, is Sauron's firey eye.
So no skiing there.
As we are enjoying our meal of cheesecrack and chicken,
I look across the lobby and see penguin-looking people
Being hosed down after swimming in the
Radioactive ocean with the killer whales.
A whale fell outta the sky and destroyed Los
Angeles earlier that day after the sky turned a
Pea soup color with red streaks.
Then the elevator called for my team.
And it was one spacious elevator, sort of the size of my
Apartment building's first floor.
So we're standing there, watching the floor numbers
Get larger and larger and the temperature get hotter
And hotter. We were going to be burned to a crisp.

See, I'm one of those kids
That doesn't wake up BEFORE they die.
I had to watch myself burn to a crisp.
Then I woke up.

And found out that my favorite tavern burned to the ground during the night.