Parties = Fun Only If You're Drinking

I am an awkward turtle. No, really, I am. I do not understand where people get the idea that I am "da shyt" and such a socialite because I am not. I am so quiet when hanging out with people I do not know, because I know I will come off as super-duper immature or obviously trying to be older.

I just got back from, for all technicality's sake, a college party. And I knew one person there: my boyfriend. I stayed on the couch with him quietly because I could not contribute to conversations revolving around "my worst hangover." I would not know. I am not a kid who can go up to people and just be all talkative. I never know what to say, especially when I get pissed at my two best friends. But besides that, I do not know what to say. This one guy there asked me about my summer. I uttered like a sentence and went quiet. I cannot communicate with people older than me. Ever. Unless they act like they are my age or nice enough to not have the whole "I obviously act older than I am even though I am already older than you" aura going on. I just cannot deal with it without being shy.

And I honestly felt that my boyfriend had that aura tonight. And it sucked. Like, I honestly felt like they were babysitting me. It is one thing when you are 18 like they are and do not know anyone, and a completely different thing when you are 16, a lowly sophomore, who went to their high school, and do not know anyone.

It is awkward central. This is one of those deals where you cannot tell anyone about it because they will laugh at you for not drinking. Society is not really a thing I like.

Anger (Sorta Really Personal...Eh...This is a Blog After All)

Anger is another one of those things that is utterly useless. I have never been what one might call an "angry" person. I just usually brush things off and carry on with my own meaningless existence. As we all probably should.

But I do not understand why I have been so angry in the passed two days. Well, I know why, but I just...do not know why. I mean, I know what triggered it, but I do not understand why it is still carrying on.

I usually get these things that I call "anger flashes." They usually happen when I get indecently annoyed and last a few seconds. But something recently happened between me and a friend, and I cannot get it out of my head.

I dislike passive people. People say that I am passive. I am not passive. I am simply really selective about what ultimately matters, what will not matter, and the things that just are not worth getting angry over. I know people who passively flirt with other people, barely aware that they are hurting their significant other. I know people that think their problems surpass those of others, no matter how much worse those problems can be from their own. People are passive when it comes to being sensitive about someone's feelings. I dislike them all.

In my opinion, I do not think people should be so insensitive. Some people, when given horrible news from a friend who cannot cope with it or good news from a friend who wants joy to be shared, just do not care. I pull that card sometimes, so I cannot say that I am entirely innocent. However, there is always a limit. People ALWAYS have a breaking point.

And people's breaking points...well...they are just so early on it is hard to notice.

The Dark Knight 9/10

I am not a fan of comic book superheroes. I tend not to be a fan of their movies, either. However, when I saw the add for The Dark Knight, it blew my mind to pieces. I thought it was going to be a good movie. It demolished my expectations and the new Batman installment is my current obsession.

In this movie, Batman has apparently driven all criminals underground and they need to resurface. So they hire a new guy, The Joker, to take out Batman. The Dark Knight had a lot to say about the morality of people without being preachy. There were many scenes where people had to make a lot of choices, mostly having to do with the questions of who gets to die and who gets to live.

The movie's consistency was amazing. It had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was so tense, I could not even realize that something funny happened. And most things in the movie made me jump. I do not jump often, if ever, in movies.

And the Joker. Oh my God. I have not been so impacted by a character since I saw Nightmare on Elm Street. I am officially scared of clowns. Heath Ledger did a great job in the role and my friends talk about how he should totally be nominated for an Oscar. I doubt it, just because Oscar season is not going to come for a while.

Overall, I give the movie 9 out of 10 on an imaginary rating scale.

Clinics Are Scary

Honestly, they are. I went to one with my boo, K. I felt so out of place...the weirdest feeling ever. It was as if I am supposed to be there, but I am not. Like I should not have to be one of the kids who has to go there.

But I am. And it feels odd.

Like as if I am better than that. But then again...I have no idea what I am better than. I sort of do not get the whole "better than" saying. Who determines that? Why must we need standards?

And it is questions like those that give me hope through CD's such as Green Day's American Idiot. I find so much comfort through it. The main character leads an exciting, aggressive, and ultimately depressing life, but he gets through it. And I want to get through it like Jesus of Suburbia does.

No regrets.

I pretend though. Things that I got through, still gnaw at me sometimes. Like a really hungry rat that has nothing better to do. It is as if it is saying: "HEY LOOK THERE'S CHEESE! But I will gnaw at this rope instead!" It makes no sense.

Helpless

I am not referring to something being without aid. Well, that is not entirely true, because partially, I am. But I am talking about not being able to help someone. Just being useless I guess is a better term.

When you just want to stand there and cry. Like crying will fix anything. It will not save your friend's girlfriend, it will speed time up to see your boyfriend, it will not prevent someone from getting really badly hurt.

I hate the feeling. It eats at me often. And I am just sick of it.

I am sick of crying. As much as I hate Fergie's music, big girls do not cry. No, they actually get up and do something about the problem. And not sit there and cry. Crying is a waste of time and energy. Not even energy.

It is simply a waste.

My friend Liz wrote an excellent poem about crying and the its connection with human emotion and the beauty of it. Human emotion is lovely enough without tears. But then again...

How are you to react to something sad, shocking or depressing without crying? Standing there makes you an asshole. Laughing makes you a bubbleheaded bitch who fails at life. Walking away...just makes you seem heartless.

I guess crying just helps people relate. I have no idea how. When someone cries, people can assume it is something bad and I guess it could also be a conversation starter.

I am really tired and rambling...but I think my point is: crying is useless and useful at the same time.

Tennis Camp and Physical Misconceptions

So I have been at tennis camp for a week and a half. I figured "HEY! Maybe I'll lose some weight." I have gained two pounds. So frustrating! Except calorie counting is the most effective thing I've done. That's how I lost two pounds this week.

And all the kids at tennis camp do not think I look 16. I hoped to God that it was because I am short. But they say that my face does not look like that of a 16-year-old. I sometimes wish I did not have such friendly-looking features. Like German or MySpace kids. None of them look their age. Most of them look older. Oh well.

So, hours in the hot sun. Not that exciting. I wish we played more. But of course, the little kids need to get lost going to the bathroom or wander off looking for a band-aid, causing all action to stop, freaking out the coaches. And about half an hour shaved off of having time to play. It is beyond annoying, especially for the older kids. I actually want to play. I am not lazy when it comes to sports. I sprain my ankle, I run through the pain. That is just how I operate. It is probably very unhealthy, but whatever. I do not like weakness.