Work Equals Force Times Distance (Reflection)

Taken from :1 of 28
I've been thinking of the preface for the 2010 annual reflection for a while.  And, as much as I hate the subject, I think physics is an appropriate metaphor.  So, as many high school kids and physicists knows, work equals force time distance.  I guess in terms of my personal and emotional development, I've done a lot of force, but didn't really get anywhere, so not much actual work was done.  But I feel like I have grown a lot.  And this year has been better than last year, even though it didn't feel like it all the time.

I kicked off January with a lot of studying for midterms.  Taking four APs was one of the worst academic decisions at the time because of the work load and the attention to detail I had to keep in mind for each of those classes.  But I also took time to take care of myself.  For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like a total whale and felt like dressing myself well because I felt good.  It was a great feeling.  But I had a ton of relapses into negativity that just weren't good.  I thought I was done with it after Kairos.  What I was finally done with was the JETS competition and all my college applications.  That was such a relief and I had already found out about colleges in early January, so that gave me hope because for some really dumb I didn't think I'd get into schools I liked.  What also happened in January was the Haitian earthquake, a Lady Gaga concert, and a murder mystery dinner with Alice Dork and her family.  We also had Spirit Week at our high school which seemed a bit lame at first, but looking back was actually a lot of fun.  Four days where we could wear whatever we wanted (to some extent).  And in the relationships department, it was a bit of a fiasco.

And then came February.  I had started prom dress shopping and trying to manage my negativity because it was coming back really hardcore.  It was my fourth month of being single and nothing seemed to be working out in my favor.  And I know that sounds dumb, but I had asked my prom date to be my prom and my boyfriend.  One worked out and the other didn't and I felt really dumb. It was around that time when I realized that having ideas was a silly notion and going into things without any expectations was the way to go.  Speaking of surprises, my school gave me a snow day because we had felt the wrath of Blizzardcane 2010 so I had a play date with Alice Dork and Arizohna.  The Vancouver Olympics also took place and those were fun to watch.  And as per usual, when Valentine's Day came, I was single.  But at least this year, I wasn't on the verge of breaking up or arguing with someone.  So I went to see Avatar while I had a pretty bad sickness and Arizohna lucked out that he didn't get it from me.  I spent a ton of time at speechies and I realized that I mostly went for the company, not so much the actual bit of competing for prizes.  I was horrible at speech so I'm really happy that it's over.  Like, really happy.

March was an odge-podge of oddness.  School was causing my stomach to act up horribly and I had to start learning how to manage it properly.  Asthma kept me out of school and I had a funny incident where I almost set my toaster over on fire.  And I got a healthy outlook on my body image and I also started getting into colleges.  The stress just mounted.  Sure, spring break was supposed to be a bit relaxing, and it was, but there was AP studying to do and college acceptance letters to receive.  I did see Red and Live which was awesome and I hung out with the Frenchwoods crowd a lot at a hookah bar.  And that was a lot of fun.  Some of the most fun, wasted nights ever.

And then in April, I got the big college news.  The greatest feeling of anger and disappointment was when I opened my email and got my Brown rejection letter. What killed me most was the fact that I had tried so hard, tried to make everything in my application perfect and it kind of was just one of more philosophy-forming moments of my life.  Just because you try and try, you won't get what you want.  Instead, I got into Cornell, one of the last schools I liked.  And yet here I am.  I visited and liked it a bit.  Like, it was better than Johns Hopkins, in my opinion.  It was also a month of tragedy.  Poland lost its president in a freak airplane accident.  And I felt sad because it just made no sense.  People blame Russia, but an accident is an accident.  I also had a big fit of excitedness.  I saw American Idiot, the musical based off the Green Day album of the same title.  I had a great time.  I saw PBD and we had so much fun.  The hardest part of this month was the drive to not burn out before the end of the year.  There were five weeks left and I wanted to make it there strong.

May started off with a testing bang.  Eight hours of straight testing between my Spanish and Statistics test.  And eight more hours, but not in the same day with English and Biology.  The 1 I got on Spanish was not surprising, but the 4, 3, and 4 on the other tests made me really happy over the summer.  But May was mostly pretty nostalgic.  I mean, classes were over halfway through.  The seniors had a spirit week.  But with classes over, you know what that meant?  High school was over.  That fact totally blew my mind.  At the same time, I felt like "...that was it?"  No rush of emotions, just the kind of nonchalant fact that it was done.  With all the free time I had, I watched movies and cooked a lot.  But most importantly, I prepared for prom, graduation and my birthday.  Prom was a whole lot of fun, but again, nonchalant feeling of "that was it?"  There was some drama involving a friend and her dad, but besides that it was a dance party where people dressed all fancy.  And I liked that.

In the beginning of June, I had officially graduated high school and turned 18.  My birthday was really fun, I spent it with a bunch of people I can have fun with and even met a couple of kids I did not think I would be really close with today.  I celebrated it with My Twin, which we had been planning for a while, but seeing as birthdays only come once a year, we had to wait a bit.  But overall, I did a lot of random stuff to kick off my summer.  I went to a concert, I watched some more movies, I cooked a whole lot more, but most importantly, I reconnected with a person who I hadn't really spoken to in a year.  And that was MSCBFF.  It was explosive.  We talked, I cried, we talked some more, I cried some more...I spent most nights of that week up until 3 AM talking to him and somehow still being conscious the next day for a driving lesson.  I mean, even now we don't talk very often, living our own lives and such and disagreeing on a lot of things, but we're still very close.  And I appreciate that.

July FLEW by.  So much happened.  I attempted at having a fling with people, went clubbing with a close friend, saw MORE movies, met new friends, took more driving lessons, flew to Italy, and had an encounter online that I'm not getting into.  The trip to Italy was special, because my cousin was getting married in the beautiful town of Montepulciano.  I also saw Florence, but the wedding was definitely the highlight.  Did it ruin any kind of diet I followed?  Yes.  But it was really fun.  Besides the Italy trip, I also prepared a schedule of people I had to see before I left for college because that was a reality to come true 20 days after the month ended.

The first I did in August was pull an all-nighter!  Kind of weird considering that I had no work to do, but instead I camped out in Central Park with a few friends to get Shakespeare in the Park tickets.  I didn't get any because of extra waiting and I didn't want to be totally exhausted.  But my friends did this cute thing of having a going-away picnic for me, which was really fun.  I failed my road test a few days later, but whatever.  I can always retake that.  Then the most character-forming period of my life started and that was college.  I moved in my suite at Cornell on a Friday after barely sleeping from excitement and I was super-excited to meet people.  I met a lot.  I wanted to start my college career off with a clean start, but I caved that Monday and went to a party.  And did something really stupid.  I don't really regret it besides the fact that it plagued me with a high child visiting my room at absurd hours during the night for about a month until I developed a backbone.  But the shortness of time that I had adjust was mindblowing.  Like, I came from a high school of 200 people and attended classes where there were 400 people.  I also did things I never did before, like computer science and highly philosophical English discussions.  But I survived my first week of classes and wondered what the rest of the semester held for me.

September was all about learning how to study and going to classes and finding a group of people to hang out with. And in the same weekend, I had the best night ever and the worst.  The best was because a few of my friends had invited me to a party sponsored by The Gay Mafia, as they are called, because of the great atmosphere and the music.  Indeed, it was a great party.  But the next night, a misunderstanding had occurred between my group of friends, my unit, and I that left me alone at a frat.  I didn't get mad at them, I got really upset because that situation took me to an awful place back in sophomore year.  I also went on my first college date and that was ok.  Remember that bizarre situation from August?  Yeah, that ended in September, so I was able to finally sleep at night.  But what kept me up was guitar playing at 3 AM and helping friends out at a similarly absurd hour.  I also attended Snuggie club for the first time.  I have never had so much fun with a group of people.  Sure parties are great, but just sitting around, playing board games with people; that's great too.  Homecoming also happened and Alice Dork visited, which was awesome!  We saw the Glee Club perform and it was nice to know that I was missed back home.  I missed people a lot then, maybe because I hadn't found people I really clicked with.

In October, I had my first of many nightmarish experiences: my first prelim.  It was math, of course, and that was scary.  But to unwind from the math prelim, I went on a unit camping trip with people in my unit.  The wildlife near Cornell is just beautiful and I hadn't seen that many stars in the sky since I went to Poland and went stargazing there.  And then I had two prelims in the same week.  And before those two?  Another one of the best nights on campus.  My friends and I had gone out to have some non-party fun by sitting near the gorges, telling stories, and climbing on statues.  But then one of them wanted to go to a frat for whatever random reason.  And that's where I met one of my closest friends on campus so far.  And then together we planned a night out for a few of our friends for a Thursday and that night ended so well.  But what really sucked was rushing to get bus tickets and get my ass on a bus the next morning to get home on one and a half hours of sleep.  Home was weird.  It didn't feel the same.  But it was nice to see people and just chill out while writing an essay and doing a computer science project.  I was as chill as a person could be while trying to accomplish both tasks.  But then school came again and back to normal personal stuff.  I think I might've fallen for the boy from the frat, but I think I just realized he was a great person and someone I'd really like to have in my life, not just someone I'd want to be romantically connected with (he already expressed disinterest, so that's probably why).  But he still made me really happy.  And after a year of being single, that was probably the closest to having a boyfriend I was ever going to get in 2010.  I'm okay with that.  It proved to me that I was capable of caring about someone yet at the same time being totally ridiculous with them.  I guess that's what made Halloween so great.  That was such a fun night with friends, both freshman and seniors.  And the dancing.  I liked the dancing.

November has been the unhealthiest month in my life.  I have never been so sick, so often.  Besides the  food poisoning, I also started feeling really dizzy randomly one day after I got the results of my second prelim and I really was scared to be alone for fear that something horrific would happen.  Thank God my parents came and gave me some medicine.  I also got the worst bout of acid reflux ever.  The nice boy from October came over and took care of me, which was super cute.  I definitely devoted a few entries to just that haha.  I also started exploring a lot of Ithaca, like the restaurants and stuff, during my study breaks.  It was great and reminded me a lot of the summer and of spring break.  Just random fun.  I also went to pajama rave and had a lot of honest things happen between me and a few people.  And then I got my second chem prelim back at the same time I was trying to wrap up a computer science project before Thanksgiving break.  Needless to say, I wanted to cry my face off.  I did for a bit.  And the nice boy came and took care of me during that.  And talked me through the stress of engineering.  Because honestly, whether you're taking 15 or 23 credits, it is so stressful.  But then during Thanksgiving break, I was awkwardly studying for the final math prelim and trying to get started on the last computer science project.  Every little line I wrote for the project felt like I climbed Mount Everest and then I realized I still had to climb another.  Basically, the worst feeling of belittling accomplishment ever.  But I took time to see people, like going out to dinner for alumni night and going shopping and seeing a movie, namely Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1.  It's sad to think that one of the key components of most kids' childhoods is ending in July.  The books have long been published and movies are almost all out.  And after Thanksgiving, the acid reflux returned.  But I went into December with a nice boy taking care of me.

What kicked off December was a monsoon that turned into a winter wonderland.  And then the snow never stopped.  It still hasn't stopped.  But that week, we had the last week of classes.  The last English essay of 2010 had been written, the last math prelim got handed back (and I did well!), and we played the Crane Game for the last time (I couldn't partake, but my friend did).  There were a bunch of parties that weekend, so I went to Thumpty a few times and went to a Kitsch staff party.  The cutest things I did was the Polish Society Christmas Eve dinner, Wigilia, and see the Glee Club perform the Christmas Vespers.  The food was great and the performance was awesome.  And then I got started on chemistry studying the second I got home.  I barely left my room to do anything during study week.  I got visited a few times by people but mostly, I studied.  Finals were the most painful two and a half hours of my life.  Computer science, I just left after a while because I ran out of ideas.  Chemistry was a mess.  Math was a case of "I could've just NOT studied and I would've had the same result".  I stayed on campus a few extra days to hang out with people and had the most unproductive day of my life.  I was in bed for 6 hours...doing nothing, literally nothing.  I, thankfully had passed all my classes, at the end of it all.  And then I came home.  The first thing I did was go Christmas shopping and hung out with my friends.  The next thing I did?  Christmas.  And then we had a blizzard.  It felt like I never left campus!  And then my friend from campus came to visit and we spend the days together being touristy and shopping and sightseeing.  And that's what I end the year with.

So I guess personally it's been a year of nothing.  But I feel I've grown a lot...because engineering school is truly a character-building experience.

Happy New Year's Eve everyone!  I'll be enjoying dinner with my friends and watching the ball drop at someone's house.  Good times, good times.  Bye bye, 2010!


Double Outfits! (B.O.A.)

So today, my friend and I went shopping and this is what I wore:

The sweater comes from a thrift store, the tank from Victoria's Secret, necklace from Urban Outfitters, hat from...uh...my mom got it for me, the jeggings from American Eagle, and boots from Steve Madden.  I thought it was a solid outfit.

Yesterday, we saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and Black Swan in theaters.  This is what I wore to that:

Sorry that this is lop-sided, blogger was glitching a little.  But the top is from Urban Outfitters, the blazer also from Urban Outfitters, the jeans from American Eagle, and the bracelet I wore was also from American Eagle.

So tomorrow I am posting the year reflection and my resolutions at midnight.  And I hit 365 entries.  YAY FOR ACHIEVEMENT!


Black Swan (M.R.)

Taken from You're a wizard, Harry...I'M A WHAT?
So, to start off: this movie is not about lesbians.  Sorry, boys.  Black Swan is a dark, twisted thriller about the mental struggle of a ballerina striving for perfection.  It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time.  Even as the music was slightly tamer or more uplifting, you just knew something strange or bizarre was around the corner.

Nina, the protagonist, is an aspiring ballerina in the highly demanding ballet company in New York City.  Aside from her mother being an ex-ballet superstar and her coach being a total prick, there was a lot of pressure on her.  And the way the hallucinations played out from scene to scene really made it easy to see Nina's world through her eyes.

A lot of the movie was confusing.  During most of it, I had a hard time keeping track of what was real and what was the imagination just running away toward a dangerous place.  And I feel like this movie elegantly shows the danger of putting too much personal pressure and just how unrealistic being perfect is (as if most people did not know that already, but we all slip up)

Rating: 8/10 (why: I wouldn't see it again.  Too disturbing)


NY Visit

Taken from Secretly, Secretly...
My friend is visiting the city.
It's interesting seeing someone else's view on it.
Stuff I took for granted is apparently magical.

And you learn which places are worth revisiting.
And what food is good.
And what places are actually kind of pretty.



Taken from △NIM△L
I wanted to write about the blizzard.  But then I realized, everyone will be writing about the blizzard.  So I am going to break the mold and talk about what I've been doing while trapped in my apartment.  The snow is piled up enough that opening my door is a challenge.  And I can't look out my window because of the frost that has formed.

So instead of making snowmen, throwing snowballs, and sledding, what have I been doing?  Jumping.  Jumping rope, jump styling, and doing jumping jacks.  Because I want to lose weight, burn calories, all that jazz.  So I can look super awesome by the time the semester comes.  And hopefully not mess it up by the time spring break comes.  I like goals.


After-Christmas Shopping Triumph

Taken from Hi Nylon
Half off,
Then more off,
And got lots of pretty things.
Like blazers and tops
And dresses
And sweaters,
And bracelets,
And necklaces...

Buying lots of awesome things,
That's what the holiday season brings.


Gift Recap (N.a.P.)

Taken from * The stars that shine for you ... *
So, like a lot of people, I got gifts from people!   I didn't even ask for much, so I am super appreciative of everything my relatives and friends got me.  Here's an idea of what I got this Christmas:

  • My period
  • A cold sore
  • A net book
  • A few nice dresses (girl's gotta look pretty when going out to parties)
  • Jewelry to accessorize  those dresses with
  • A new hat
  • New slippers (they are awesome)
  • A mini coin/ID pouch
  • A nail kit
  • New straightener
  • Yelling Bird squishable (IT'S LIKE HUGGING A PERSON)
  • A book about the Apocalypse
  • Despicable Me on DVD/Bluray
  • A circle scarf
  • Photo albums
  • Body wash
  • Candy
I think that's it.   My break has been amazingly restful and nonproductive.  Well, that's not true.  I've done a ton of movie watching and hanging out.  It's been great.

Merry Christmas everyone!!


Preparing for Wigilia

Taken from :1 of 28

Cooking logic.
Cooking logic.

I galki rybne,
Barcz i uszka.

Eating logic,
Eating logic.

(Merry Christmas everyone!)


Tron: Legacy (M.R.)

Taken from The Stalker Blog
This movie has been one of the best visual rides ever.  Sure, there were basically three colors used in The Grid part of the film, but Tron: Legacy had been so engaging, I was just fascinated with the lights and sounds.  The plot was surprisingly consistent and followed classic Disney format.  But even though it does not exactly end happily, there is a triumph of man over machine.

There were a few highlights for me.  For one, Jeff Bridges's face.  I mean, he has aged pretty okay.  But the digital de-aging of him was incredible.  You take a pretty old dude and make his face look like he is years younger, around 30 most people said, is pretty incredible.

Another highlight: the soundtrack.  I am huge techno nerd, to the max.  So the fact that Daft Punk wrote the soundtrack completely made me excited.  In the same way I reacted to the fact that Trent Reznor wrote The Social Network soundtrack.  My favorite, as is most people's, is the track named "Derezzed." It played during the lounge scene and I am so happy I finally have it on my iPod.

And the last highlight, the bodies of the women.  In order to fit into those skin-tight, glowstick outfits, apparently all the actors had to remain in tip-top shape.  So, I am resolving to get through a Tron: Legacy-inspired workout in order to get my body at the same place.

I highly recommend this movie to people fascinated with computers and the internet.  The whole movie is a metaphor for the internet haha.

Rating: 8/10


The Non-Melodic Christmas Meadley

Taken from iheart-myself
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way.
Hanging out with friends until midnight
Is the best way to spend a day, hey!

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jumping rope all day.
Losing weight can be easy
If you do it in this way.

Having too much free time
While I am on break.
No more work until January 24th.

Christmas, Christmas,
The best excuse for no work.

Christmas, Christmas,
The best excuse for no work.

Watching movies,
Decorating trees,
Stuff I do,
While hanging out.

Damn, this week has been hella busy.
Hopefull, I'll be free later next week.


Reviving Goals

Taken from :1 of 27
Goals come in many types.

The day-to-day.
The right-now.
The month-to-month.
The party.
The academic.
The beauty.
The personal.
The life.

I want to revive one.
The 50 pages a day one.
But after I achieve the goal of remembering
To take my vitamins every day.

Off to Whole Foods!


Lunch Out

Taken from iheart-myself
Luncheons are great.
Buffet-style Indian food is incredible.
Friends are amazing.
Wandering stores that are worth our souls is fun.
Enjoying a cup of coffee while listening to music between workouts.

Today couldn't be better.


127 Hours (M.R.)

Taken from What about me
This movie was exciting, considering it follows a dude's battle for life while he was stuck in a canyon with a rock crushing his arm.  Aron Ralston, portrayed by James Franco, had been climbing and he slipped, bringing a boulder down with him.  Over the next five days, he drains his food supplies, drinks his own urine, video tapes himself to keep sane, and eventually amputates his own arm.  That amputation scene was the scariest, most realistic portrayal of anything medical I have seen in a while.  This statement is coming from someone who saw knee replacement.

But the most important thing to take from the movie is the struggle endured by Ralston.  Most people probably would not make the choice he made and amputate their own arm.  Hell, I wouldn't do that.  It takes a lot of courage and strength and desire to live to cut off one's own arm for the greater goal of living.  And it just makes you think of how to be grateful for living and hopefully not having to undergo such an experience.

Rating: 9/10 


Christmas Shopping

Taken from * The stars that shine for you ... *
The joy.
The magic feeling being cared for.
The gifts.
For me and a few other people,
The Christ part.

It's a good holiday,
I think.

I mean,
Even the nonreligious who see it
As a time to get together
And exchange gifts
And just be happy together
Can appreciate it.

So can store owners.


One Month Off

Taken from handwriting on the wall
I had passed all my classes.
I had passed




I am done
With first semester completely.

Got to go
To the second challenge.

Level two of the college stage of my life.
I can do it.

Although on my month off,
I'm going to miss sleepovers
And friends being over at odd hours
And hanging out until odd hours.
And doing whatever I want in general.


Going Back to NYC

Taken from iheart-myself
Tomorrow is my day to go back from where I came before college.  Others are already gone.  Or on their way.  To New Hampshire.  To Pennsylvania.  To Arizona.  To Texas.  To Massachusetts.  To Virginia.  To Michigan.  To New York City.  To wherever.  We'll all keep in touch.  But in the end of the semester, I think we all won.

We worked and we toiled,
Us steadfast Cornellians.

From one final to the next,
From paper to prelim.

We worked and we toiled,
Us steadfast Cornellians.

Weekend to weekend, the fun we had
Clashed with all the work that had to be done.

But now it is finished, until January 24th,
But some of us are returning a few days before.


One Day at a Time

Taken from iheart-myself
This semester is over.
Another is just around the corner.
Goals for the next semester?
I have no idea yet.
I don't know what next semester entails.
Besides more time with friends.
More classes.
Some of them I actually fought for.
That's assuming I get through
The ones I'm in now.

But it was nice to have a night
To unwind.
And spend time with people
And open up to a good friend.
And just realize that you can't
Really have goals that depend on other
People.  It's just unrealistic.

I'm just going to go through
It one day at a time.
It's all you really can do.



Taken from ΔNIMΔL
Below average,
But above failing.

Never been so happy that I jumped up and down.  I got something I want: a non-failing grade in a class I had a ton of trouble in.  Rationally speaking...I should have given up after that second test.  But, in total me fashion, I did not.  I don't like giving up.  It hurts a part of me that's been in existence only a few years so it is pretty prepubescent: my pride.

But I enjoyed the feeling of not being at the bottom.
I hate looking up.
I prefer looking around.
Below is a pretty bad place to look too.
The void stared back.

The void of failing and I had the most intense staring contest ever on Friday.  I stared so hard, it brought me to tears.  Tears.  I don't want the same thing to happen again.  I will show my last final who is boss.  Because I always win.

Not always.

There have been a handful
Of times where I won.

Can this last final be added to that list?


Appetite Supressant

Taken from handwriting on the wall

Water, tea and coffee.  Natural appetite suppressants.  Thirst comes under the guise of hunger.  And more often than not, people give into the hunger and do dumb things such as overeat.  Or they eat because they are bored.  But I want control over one thing in my life.  And that is my daily consumption.  One should eat with purpose and satisfaction, not senselessly grazing.  And keeping track of calories.  In and out.  I hope some of the out is greater than the in.


The Final Stretch

Taken from How to be bad.
Two more days.  And the stress is over.
And I can finally relax.
Go to a bed and just relax.

It is a bit discouraging that the sky is causing feelings of demotivation.  As if the tests themselves weren't enough.  This is the kind of weather to snuggle up with someone with a nice mug of tea.  Or hot chocolate.  Hot chocolate isn't so sweet when you're trying not to gain a million pounds because of stress eating.  I'll stick to tea.  And bowl upon bowl of soup.  And some light meals.

I want to look hot. It's only 2 or 3 pounds to lose.



Taken from iheart-myself
These moments of panic feel crippling. The amount of work is overwhelming.  I worry I am too fueled by ego when it comes to doing well.  I don't want to fail because I just don't do that.  People like me don't fail.  I wish I had a more positive spin.  Like, I don't want to fail because I want to do something later and not have to repeat or waste time.  But it is what it is.  And my stress has been causing me to focus on me a lot.  Empathy is difficult.  But the niceness of Christmas in my unit took off a lot of edge.  And writing cards for people.

Being nice takes off the edge.  And it's the people I know that are my reason for working and to keep going.



Taken from i-heart-myself
I'm going to belittle it.  Using common abbreviations to explain the shock I feel from the finals I took.  Yeah, that makes total sense.  I want to eat and caffeinate myself into a stupor.  Because that makes sense.  I could study for math.  And hope it makes sense.  Unlike everything right now.  Unlike...ugh, I wish...wishing is stupid.  It's so dumb, for real.


Many Types of Comas

I'm in a study coma.
I prefer a happy coma.
The type you get from laughing too much
With people or just watching good television.

I'm in the type you get
From cramming too
Much information
Into too small a head.

Actually, there's definitely a lot
Of space in there.

I'm just tired.
But I can't nap.
I wish I could
But I can't.



Taken from ECRKS
I can't even decide how I feel right now.  I feel unprepared.  Wildly unprepared.  Even though I worked for about 11 hours yesterday on chemistry and computer science and I still feel wildly unprepared.

I feel unprepared for what going home is going to be like.  I try to remember that all the stuff going on isn't mine.  It isn't mine to worry about, but it's about people who have settled into a niche in my heart.  And I don't want them to hurt, and I'm so stupid because I hurt for and with them when they don't need it.  Maybe it's because all I have to worry about is making it through my freshman year in one piece.  Actually, making it through college in one piece.  I'm a bit glad I am stuck in Ithaca for 2 days longer than I have to be.  I can sleep and think and read and sleep and maybe see a few people.  And then sleep some more.


Finals and Priorities

Why spend the whole day of a weekend getting ready for a party that is hours away?  I feel like that time could be more productively spent.  Although.  I myself have days when getting dressed up and looking pretty is a way to relax before finals instead of being in a constant state of work.  I wish I could work in awesome spurts.  But the stress could make my head explode.  And my stomach never fails to make me want to curl up under my covers and whimper and cry.  I've tried every health precaution: I'm taking a special pill that's supposed to fix my stomach in 2 weeks, I don't eat sauces, I don't anything known to cause acid reflux.  It's definitely the stress.  It need to stop.  It will, after the 14th.  But I'm not home until the 17th.


SPS Wigilia Dinner (B.O.A.)


12/5/10 by jladz65 featuring tall boots

Today I am going to a dinner with Polish society and I tried to layer it up.   I think it's an appropriate look for the cold and whatnot.  So excited to eat Polish food.  The tunic is from American Eagle, the sweater dress is from Esprit, the boots and tights from Steve Madden and the scarf is from Urban Outfitters.


Hanging Out

Taken from live.love.reblog.

I like my friends.  New and old.  My age and younger.  My age and older.  College and high school.  I don't have any in grad school or middle school.  That would be bizarre.  But hopping from one lame party to another and finally finding a good one was fun last night.  Some had lights but no music.  Some had really sketchy people.  Another had an accident.  But either way, it was a night well-spent.  Or should I say morning too?

Kitsch Party Tonight (B.O.A.)

For me, though not officially on the blog, this has turned into a Daily Outfit Attempt.  Except DOA actually does stand for something.  Anyway, I write for a magazine entitled Kitsch at Cornell and I don't know anyone in it so I felt it appropriate to go.  Since it is snowing, this outfit made me feel snug in NYC when it was cold there.


12/4/10 by jladz65 

Flannel is from BDG for Urban Outfitters, the shoes are brown from Steve Madden, the jeggings from American Eagle and the shirt is similar, but I bought it at a thrift.  I might replace it with a thermal because I have to do a lot of walking.


First Semester: Top 10 Academic Moments (N.a.P.)

So as you people know from my blog, I've led a pretty active social life and an emotionally demolishing academic life.  But it's all in good fun.  Since today was the last day of classes, I am writing about the top moments in my classes.  Because the social and study life hasn't ended quite yet.

  1. Getting really close to the mean on my last calculus prelim: It had to happen eventually, but it was such a good feeling, I ate a chocolate chip cookie.  My tummy is going to hate me in a bit.
  2. Doing an entire assignment for computer science by myself: I cried a lot.  I cried while doing it, I cried when it was done, I cried when I got a good grade.  Mind you, the last two were out of happiness.
  3. Playing a game in chemistry class: It was ONE TIME.  And it was hilarious.
  4.  8 AM classes: Never again.
  5. When my TA didn't show up for discussion: It was the Tuesday before a prelim.  We could have actually benefited and she decided to just not show up due to sickness and then have office hours when no one could come.
  6. Going out on Thursdays and making it to class every Friday: It is QUITE the accomplishment.  Trust me.
  7. Freshman Writing Seminar class: Listening to a professor talk for 75 minutes each "discussion"?  Never again.
  8. Not having a stable syllabus in FWS: There's an only time for everything.
  9. Taking that first prelim:  I've never felt so scared in my life.  And it was pouring rain.  NOT FUN.
  10. Creating the sun in chem class: Burning magnesium has about the same light intensity as the sun.  Don't try it now, just go to a 2090 lecture before a break.  Or the end of the year.
I just have to survive finals.  And then move onto semester 2 of engineering school.  I WILL SURVIVE, BITCHES.


Studying for Finals

Taken from handwriting on the wall
I can do it.
I can make all office hours, all review sessions.  Those would take up at least 4 hours of my day.  I would eat between them and study more when I'm not there.
I can do it.
I can love a healthier lifestyle while trying to guarantee that I do well.  I refuse to let my abdominal and esophageal pains rule my studying.
I can do it.
I can still see people,hopefully at dinner, between 5 and 7 PM, see them in general.
I can do it.
I can write pages and pages and pages for each subject, one set of pages for each discipline of computer science java, general chemistry for engineers, and engineering calculus I.
I can do it.
I can do it.


Greetings December

Taken from : 1 of 22
The first day of the first week of the last month that I am in school in 2010 opened up with what I thought would be an all-day monsoon.  I was pleasantly surprised.  By mid-day, what was a nightmare of wind and rain had transformed gracefully into light-hearted, comforting snow.  Everything is a winter wonderland.  And the scenery is gorgeous--EVERYTHING is gorgeous right now.  Watching the flakes fall one by one or in groups brings a lot of comfort; I like patterns.  Ithaca truly is gorgeous.  I say this after fall because I personally am not a fan of falling leaves.  But falling fancy water-ice droplets?  Those I am a fan of.

Bom Ba-Ba Bop

Taken from So Tonight That I Might See

It's strange what music does to people.  Some see it as a means of personal expression; some see it as a runner for telling others how they feel.  Some use it to illicit some form of a reaction (Poe would be proud).  Some, like me, use it as a means to motivate.  Slow music proves distracting.  Fast music that is rhythmically interesting and repetitive gets me through my work.  It brings me to a strangely calm place where I know what happens next and next comes soon.  Unlike with time.  But that uncertainty is exciting.


Your Ass, My Curves

Taken from Hey there, beautiful.
We laid still.  I was in too much pain to be as affectionate towards you as you were to me.  But I appreciated every moment of it.

I like your arms around me.  As much as we tease each other and act like middle schoolers, I like hanging out with you and you being around me.  You make me laugh, I judge you, you judge me.  We laugh some more.

My favorite is that you offer to watch things that would make me laugh to cheer me up.  But honestly, you just being there, us lying still, offers more comfort than you'll ever know.  Even though I'm still in pain.

I'm still in pain.


I Has GERD (R.P.)

No post today.  When you have a broken esophageal sphincter, life isn't fun.  So I shall post tomorrow.  After I cry over my prelim.


Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1 (M.R.)

Taken from http://catchadragon.tumblr.com/

This installment of the Harry Potter film series has been, by far, the best one.  Sure, it felt like an action movie, but honestly, the book was the most exciting part of it.  The movie left out enough of the camping trip that the audience could stay attentive and still get most of the story.

I was happy they caught a bunch of my favorite moments from the book, such as the epic night flight and Dobby's death and a bunch of funny lines I thought they had not included.   I almost cried when Dobby died, but I was still laughing hysterically from the scene when Ron opens up the Horcrux.

Of all the movies, they did the best job with cinematography and using CGI.  I really felt unsafe during most scenes, just as the characters would when they were on the run from...oh...everyone.  And the graphics they used for the Ministry of Magic cleansing of the muggles reminded me of movies that took place during the 1940's and similar totalitarian times.  I thought it was a nice touch.

I highly recommend this film to everyone who likes action movies and fantasy films.  And anyone who enjoys watching awkward make out scenes for the sheer hilarity of it.

Rating: 9/10


Black Friday

Taken from Black Friday - Store Window
Change the name.  Seriously.  The deals don't last all Friday.  Since when is 5 AM until 10 AM or until noon or until 2 PM a whole day?  The stores are open until late, am I right?  I like to shop in piece and not have to fight through crowds to get things I want.  For example, I am going for a simple exchange of one purse for another.  And get a pair of boots that I want.  And enjoy some Chipotle with a friend.  And not have to worry about crowds because, according to the sale deadlines, it's all over before the time I usually go out shopping.


Stuff I'm Thankful For

Taken from Holiday Table @ iStockPhoto
Happy Thanksgiving everyone who takes a gander at the blog!  And everyone who doesn't.  And everyone who doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving.  I actually enjoy writing this entry every year because it makes me take time to slow down and think about everything that is good in life and in my life right now even when stuff seems to be driving me to tears multiple times a week.  Here is a bulleted list of things that have been reminding of what is good in life.

  • Loyola: I am grateful that all four years of work, fun, and emotional trauma had led me to finally graduating.
  • Cornell: I am grateful that all four years of work, fun, and emotional trauma had led me to finally get accepted and allowed me the opportunity to meet awesome people and endure four more years of work, fun, and emotional trauma.
  • Friends in classes: Thank you for putting up with me when I don't get something and come to me for help because I am willing to offer it.  And for the fun times joking around on the balcony or in the back of the class
  • Friends with cars: Thank you for driving me places and all the conversations we have in those cars.
  • Upperclassmen engineering friends: Thank you for reminding me that I'm not doing as badly as I sincerely think I am.
  • Friends back home: Thank you for being there when I need you guys when the above people are totally unavailable.
  • Parents: They take care of me when my friends and friends aren't there.
  • Thumpty and Seal & Serpent: The boys at these fraternities are so nice and so fun and I've met some of my favorite people there.
  • Professors: Thank you for teaching me things and being understanding when I don't have as much time to devote to assignments as I want to.
  • Tutors:  Thank you for being available and responding to emails promptly so that I can thoroughly understand what will be on my finals.
  • Cornell Dining: Thank you for feeding me good food twice a day whenever I get really hungry or when I want to spend time with my friends in the dining hall.
  • Campus Life: Thank you for employing me.  Seriously.
  • Fresh air: Because you don't know what that is until you come back to the city and everything smells awful.
  • Bath tubs: Nothing is more relaxing.
  • Transportation: It beats walking incredible distances by a ton.
  • Coffee, sugar, and protein:  Keeps me up at night and keeps me going until morning so I can get my work done.
  • Music: If the above doesn't work on its own, this serves as an adequate substitute.
What are some things you are grateful for?


Going Back

Taken from Hey there, beautiful
I'll be back tomorrow.  After class, after another late night, after work, I'll be back.  As weird as it's going to feel sitting back at home without the constant noise of talkative, social collegiate kids.  And it's still going to be weird because nothing much has changed.  I mean, besides me working harder than ever and being more tired, I'm still just as frustrated, just as sarcastic, and maybe I've gotten a bit crazier but I'm still essentially the same.  Oh and there's a bit more to love because of all the late night snacking so that my stomach doesn't serve as a distraction.  The break should be nice.  If I can make it to it.


Two Days of Class

Taken from p.heartache
It's nice to have friends.  Like, really nice.  So nice, nice is an utter understatement. They're the only thing getting me through the emotionally bizarre past 13.5 months and hardest semester of school ever.  Half of days, I'm totally overwhelmed and just need someone in my room with me so that I don't cry as much as I do.  Nah, I don't cry that much.  Unless I laugh, I do most of my crying during that.  And then I feel like I'm getting a 6-pack.  And then eat a brownie to give myself super-endorphins.  Because, otherwise, a girl goes insane, you know?  Need to relieve the stress.  Somehow.  By doing more work.  I need to jump on computer science.  And chem.  But I feel like I can do it!  I CAN DO IT!


Sunday November 21st (N.a.P.)

I honestly have no time today to think of a decently clever poem about my life and weekend, so you get this instead.  Here is a look into my mind when I do too much and somehow don't get enough done.  Like, waking up before 10 AM on weekend days because I have work and stupid crap like that.  So here is a to-do list of things I need to accomplish or else I am totally fucked this week.

  • If I Get a Ride to Walmart
    • brunch at RPCC at 10:30 AM
    • get in car, go to Walmart
    • come back, do some math homework
    • go to Duffield for tutoring at 1 PM
    • work on chem and computer science all day long
  • If I Don't a Ride to Walmart
    • brunch at RPCC at 10 AM
    • wait hour for bus
    • sit in bus for an hour
    • get on bus to get back which takes an hour and a half including wait time
    • go straight to Duffield, meaning lugging my math textbook to Walmart
    • do work and grumble about buses all day long
I hate how far everything mostly useful in this town is from campus.  I have work to do!  Oh well, who sleeps anymore anyway?


Not Another Post About Dancing

Taken from all sexxed up and no place to go
Last night I danced,
I laughed,
I kissed,
And it was fun.

He isn't mad
At me because
I get mega-dumb
And kissy
And affectionate

But I met a ton
Of new people.

And I got introduced
As a "cool freshman."

But I still
Shouldn't've kissed him.
At least he's someone
I trust, you know?
Not a stranger.

And at least whenever
Someone asks me if I'm his
Girlfriend, we can both
Say no.
Because that's the truth.
I'm not.
I'm just a (good) friend
Of his.

Last night as a whole was
Much better than staying in
And "doing work"
When I really wasn't
In the mood for much of anything.


South Park in the A.M.

Taken from p.heartache
Replace "South Park"
With "work" or
"Tears combine
with work."

Keep the A.M. bit.

Replace the friend
With a textbook,
Or notebook,
Or both or,
With a computer program
And a ton of tears.

Replace sleep with work.
Replace work with study.

Take the final.
Get results.
Hope they're good.


They're good.



Taken from Thoughts inside my head
I remember reading an article once where it said that making face time when you're feeling down can actually lift your mood.  What if you feel too down or awkward to actually reach out and see someone?  Maybe that's why I'm feeling like I'm having such a bad day.  I haven't really seen anyone else.  I've tried to but people are busy.  I might go on another talking expedition.  I'll bring a laptop.  Or ask to do work together.  I realized that I hate being in my room on my own.


I Can Has Good Day?

Taken from Thought inside my head
Can I have a day sometime that is genuinely good?

When I can wake up with a certain vitality and not just want to get to my last class and think "now what?".

When getting out of bed is something to do and not to dread?

I guess I'm being a little dramatic.  But I'm a little bit completely overwhelmed.  And I don't want to feel like the only thing I do all day is study.  There's more to life than that.  There is so much more.



Taken from A blog full of nothing
I was supposed to talk to him today.  About why we had to stop.  But as the minutes went on and on and the later he got, slowly my mind decided that it didn't care.  And really didn't want to continue.  I need to do more good in my life.  More good in my classes.  More good in my social circles.  I did do good in that.  I got work done with a friend.  And spent time with a friend without really wanting to make out with him.  I'm getting better.  I hope.  I just want the good times to roll in.  And as in "Sam's Town", "I know that I can make it/ as long as somebody takes me home/ every now and then."  Eating burritos, drinking coffee, was so worth skipping chem class for.  I got the notes from someone anyway.


Pajama Rave: The Aftermath

Taken from Stephy Kim Loves You
I can't feel my hips.  I haven't danced that hard for that long in so long.  I still actually feel the beats and the rhythm pulsing in my head.  And I am totally alert.  This is bad.  I want to sleep, but I cannot sleep because I can't bring myself to sleep.  Maybe I'll go lie down for a while.  And hopefully sleep comes to join me in my bed?  Because Lord knows that I could use some company right about now.


Pajama Rave! (B.O.A.)

So tonight I am going to my friend's frat's pajama rave and I am a little too excited.  I mean, it's pajamas and raving, what more can I ask for?  It's the great idea I never came up with.  I told MSCBFF about it and he said that it "sounds like an ABC party" where ABC apparently means "anything but clothes."  Yeah basically.  Which is why I'm wearing underwear from aerie, hat from Diesel, tank top from Victoria's Secret, boots from Steve Madden, wrist warmers from Urban Outfitters, and thigh highs from American Apparel.  And I will accompany this party with a Red Bull.  But I have to do work before that.

11/13/10 by jladz65 


Mama Theresa

Taken from Hey there, beautiful.
I sat there until 1:30 AM with my friends last night, just talking, getting to know each other, laughing over dumb stuff.  It reminded me of the summer and the spring, when I'd just chill in random pizza shops with people after a night of wildness.  But there was no wildness.  Just prelims.  Which are wild.


End of October, Early November

Taken from p.heartache
For the passed few years, in the last weeks of October and early November, I have found myself upset for legitimate reasons.  Sophomore year, it was because of the events I never talk about.  Junior year, it was because of a break up.  Senior year, it was because of a break up.  Freshman year of college, I have no break up.  I have no grades to make up for anything.  And I don't want to be complacent.  I am fighting apathetic complacency.  But I feel so demotivated to try.  Because the harder I try, the more the nonsuccess hurts.  And I just want to be a neutral.  I am looking forward to the weekend.  But I'd be in general more chipper if I could just not have to feel like I'm at the bottom when I'm not.  They say you're your own worst critic.  I am the worst critic.  But not others.  Just to myself.  Because I can take it.  I can take most people's criticisms.  Because I usually give them in a harsher tone.  One that is relentless.  One that is unforgiving.  Usually ending in the words "asshole" or "douchebag."  Because I can do better.  I can always do better.


Epic Sigh

Taken from Garfield minus Garfield
There was no better strip to describe how I feel.  You have to jump into things and use blind determination and perseverance to get through stupidity that comes your way.  But you know stupidity still comes, so you respond with an epic sigh.  The one that starts with a deep breath, you hold it for a few seconds, and then you let it go but somehow you don't feel any better and your head is still as much of a jumble as it was before you did it.  Just got to keep trudging.  The fact that it is pitch-black at 5:30 does not make me feel any better.


This Weekend

Taken from Pour yourself into me.
I cannot wait for this weekend.  I am going to have so much fun independent of all the stupidity going on right now.  But that means I have to work harder during the days this week.  So that I can properly be energized and rejuvenated and rewarded.  And to feel like there is light at the end of the week of hell of sickness and too much work.  So Saturday, I think I'll go out dancing with my friends.  It will be the best.  And we shall be in pajamas.  And all will be right in the world for a few hours.  The dancing, the pantslessness, the worklessness, the meeting of new people, the hanging out, the being with friends...there won't be anything else like it this week.  And that is what I want.  A break from the stress.



Taken from Thoughts inside my head
I had a really good blog entry in my head.  But then I lost it.  Because I realized that it would be all the same shit on repeat.  Even when I want something to come around and shake my world up a bit, it goes back to the same theme of "if it's only tonight, that's cool" or general disappointment.  And the worst part of it is, I'm getting really complacent.  Nothing phases me anymore.  I guess you can say I'm a bit jaded.  Or desensitized.  Pick an adjective like that.  But then there are those moments when the bit of me that actually still cares a lot and sees a lot wrong with the state I'm at comes out and by GOD, she is immature, annoying, and thinks stuff just magically works out when certain cards are in place.  And the reality is...stuff is random.  You can be the nicest person on Earth and bad shit can still happen.  You can be a mean-spirited asshole and really good stuff can happen.  You wake up one morning and the day just falls into place.  You wake up the next day and every hour feels like a hapless misadventure.  And some stuff lasts a night.  I thought the sickness I felt on Wednesday was just for Wednesday.  It's Sunday.  I thought the loneliness I felt back in October 2009 was just for that month.  It's November 2010.  I thought the stomach problems I had during the college admissions process would last for just that.  I'm in college.  Nothing really changes.  Even with force.


Staying In

Taken from p.heartache
I wonder who else is where I am.  That place between want and should.  You want to go out but you should not for fear you'll just make yourself more sick and then give yourself more stress for the two prelims you have this week.  I wonder who else is here.  I want my guitar right now.  Or a stuffed animal.  Just something to hold right now.  And it's because I hate being sick by myself.  Back home, I'd have my parents.  They'd bring me stuff.  Sure, they're coming tomorrow.  But I'm 18 and in college.  I should have...not my parents taking care of me.  If that makes sense...I don't know.  I just want to be better.  So I can go back to my bubbly, sarcastic, adorable self.  And the studious self.  Well, maybe more willing to be studious self.