2008: Ups Downs and All-Arounds

Well, it's the time of year where I think about the year and everything that went on: the good, the bad, and the ongoing.

This little narrative starts January. I came into the New Year 2008 a taken girl: had a pretty cute boyfriend and we had our little puppy love thing going on. I met up New Year's Day with my best friends at the time ("at the time" will be explained later). Whatever you do New Year's, you do the rest of the year, right? Well that proved true for them. They still met up and flirted and stuff. It was cute. Midterms went reasonably well...I got all 90's as was expected and the year started on a pretty good note. Especially since I was sitting in art history one day, and then I saw her: puffy-hair, total-bad ass-seeming attitude. And she was seated next to me. Because of all the drama of the previous months, I was sort of desperate to make new friends. And there she was. her sister went to our school and figured we'd be best friends because I "have an MCR scarf." We clicked instantly and we immediately were discussing all the shit going on in our lives. It was great. No drama...or so I thought.

Moving on to February. My boyfriend was, to say the least, being a douche. He ignored my calls, he stopped messaging me on face book, and we didn't see each other in over three weeks. Worst part: Valentine's day was coming up. I felt like crapper that day. My male friend gave my female friend like...20 dollars worth of Valentine's Day chocolate. I got tiny orange rosettes the next day and I only saw him for like 20 minutes. I sorta wanted a full-blown date, but whatever. At least the thought counted. Then I went to my first indoor rock concert with my best female friend. I sort of wanted to take the puffy haired girl, but she got grounded. The concert was awesome: Chiodos, Coheed&Cambria and Linkin Park performed. I never heard of Chiodos, but they were great and now they're one of my fave bands. We almost met the band, but we were too late to get on the line. But we got some sweet pictures.

In March, I went to Danielle's sweet 16. I cannot believe I let my epic fail boyfriend at the time ruin it for me. I spent most of it angry at him, but overall, it was fun. That was ridiculous though. I almost had to force him to slow dance with me...yeah, not fun. We broke up a week later. That really sucked because I thought I'd be the one breaking it off, but he tried delaying it until we met up in person. That really wasn't fun. So I became an epic fail and decided to give up on the whole relationship thing for a while. When I went on the Greece trip, I didn't expect anything besides ridiculous things happening like college riots and getting spit on by local animals. The trip started off with me falling down a flight of stairs. Much to my surprise, I made two new friends. One was a pre-freshman and the other a senior. Turns out, I started to really like him because he was one of those people you could trust. Drama occurred, there was a riot, and every day on the cruise, me and my girlfriends would go clubbing. Surprisingly, I got attention from guys. It was no surprise that the school thought were going out upon our return.

Cue April. Mom was bawling once again that the pope died, my school life back to where it was. I talked to the guy and we were flirting a lot. He was really sweet: he tutored me in math, offered to drive me home in his black ford mustang convertible. We ended up going out a week later. My parents really didn't like him...just because he was 18. But he was so good to me and he made me so happy that if I could, it'd be silent rave day everyday. The Pope also visitted the United States in April and I got a chance to see him. Though the day was grueling with 8 hours in the hot sun without food and with plenty of water, it was totally worth it. There was also sophomore retreat which was way cute. We talked about families and friends and stuff like that. I also went to my first Bat Mitzvah. It was fun, even though I only knew like 3 people there. It was an interesting day considering I knocked off two religions in one weekend.

Then came May. The most exciting month ever. I went to three concerts: Bamboozle, My Chemical Romance at the Garden, and Loyola's spring concert. Bamboozle was fun. I spent of my time with my boyfriend and two best friends at the time. My two best friends avoided the mosh pits but me and my boyfriend had an awesome time getting attacked by flying beer bottles and crowd-surfers. I also took my first AP test, which I cried after...then went to a concert. Me and my friend got considerably better seats than at the first concert we went to. My Chemical Romance is so cute on stage and Taking Back Sunday were amazing too. Great way to brush off the blahness that was an AP test. At the spring concert, I met my boyfriend's mom. She's pretty nice though she intimidated me at first. Then came finals week. I was really nervous, but I studied a lot, so it didn't go as badly as I thought it would. I really wish I was able to go to prom. My mom didn't let me because of finals week and all the shenanigans that go on during prom. At least I got to go to my boyfriend's graduation. It was one of our most romantic dates ever. I don't even understand what so romantic about it, but it was.

And then it was June and my birthday. I went to my first Yankee game the night before. That was really fun because I got to spend about four or five hours with my boyfriend. The next day, I went with him and my two friends to have lunch. I spent most of the day with him. I also went on college tour. There have been blogs posted about that, so read them for yourselves because I am not rewriting all that. It was fun. And then came my sweet sixteen. It was the greatest party ever. It took place at a nightclub and I wore a pretty gold dress. As tradition states, I made dedications to people I care about and who matter. The party ended with the police coming, not because of the people there, but because of the nightclub. It was funny.

In July I went to tennis camp. I felt so out of place because I was one of the oldest people there and quite frankly, too out of shape to dress in short clothes. But spending tons of time with my boyfriend and friends brought my self-esteem up. It was a bit of sad period too. I was packing for my trip while he wasn't even packing for college yet. We had become so close so late, I would have almost depressive fits about him going away. But on our last day together, he assured me that he'd always care. I promised him that too.

August was eventful. I went on my first trip to the west coast. First few days, we camped out. That was horrible and fun at the same time...(I just realized how masochistic that sounds). On the trip, it was me and about twenty Jewish kids I never met before. They were nice, for the most part. I made two friends on that trip. We had fun times unclogging toilets, freezing to death, drying clothes, riding roller coasters for the first time, not gambling in Vegas, sleeping in a college dorm....and more. It was fun, but when I got back, the break down started. I only texted my boyfriend and my friend since kindergarten for the whole trip. My so-called best friends only texted me when they had drama and not so much to just say hi. It was bad. So I nixed the term "best friend" and "friend." For me, now, friend is someone who bitches to you and is willing to listen to your bitching too.

September I went back to school. There were a whole slew of new kids and hearing the phrase "junior year is really important" to the point of puking. Sure, I knew it would be hard, but I needed to see for myself. The classes I took were definitely harder. AP United States History and AP Calculus AB...tough crap, I'll tell you. There were new teachers too, like the Christian Service guy. He brought drama to all and people gave him drama too. So disorganized. English class was its own thing that made a lot of people frustrated.

October was not fun at all. Okay, "at all" is a bit extreme. It was good...until the end. I went to a close friend of mine's sweet 16 where I reconnected with another close friend of mine. It was super fun and the sweet 16 looked gorgeous. Field Day was amazing and there is a whole blog on that too. It's interesting how total strangers can become quick friends and have the greatest time together. And then we had a random break for teacher's retreat and I spent two of the four days at a nursing home. The other two, I spent crying hysterically. I am not going to sugarcoat it. My boyfriend and I...well...we broke up. And I hate talking about it. Because...ugh...I'm not even going to talk about it much. It was bad and Halloween was less than cheerful. It was really fun, don't get me wrong, but there was that gloom of just being broken up with someone I really cared about.

November had the most birthdays ever. My new friend, my other friend, my friend from middle school, and my cousin all had birthdays. They were fun, I guess. The other friend's birthday was a little awkward though, I have to admit. I also had to endure the stress of a group project. I hate group projects so much. Thanksgiving was cool. My neighbor didn't come, he annoys a lot of people. It was my cousin's birthday so it was great to spend time with her.

And here were are...in December. Pretty chill month. I went into a bit of an academic down but that fixed itself. I finally got the Christmas concert overwith. It was such a success! People were congratulating me all week long, it was awesome. Christmas at Loyola was cute too. Buying people presents is the greatest joy this time of year. Presents are also really awesome when you don't ask for them. I made a lot of new friends and met up with a lot of friends. It's been great. Christmas makes you appreciate the little things in life.

Well my year was eventful, and I'm looking forward to next year. That should be really fun...hopefully.

I Kissed A Boy

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my commitment
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I've got the hots for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a boy and I liked it
The taste of his lack of chapstick
I kissed a boy out of habit
I hope my boyfriend don't find out
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
I think it means I'm in love tonight
I kissed a boy and I liked it
I liked it

Well, I think I knew your name
It sorta matters,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Nice girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so abused
Hard to obey

I kissed a boy and I liked it
The taste of his lack of chapstick
I kissed a boy out of habit
I hope my boyfriend don't find out
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
I think it means I'm in love tonight
I kissed a boy and I liked it
I liked it

You guys are just magical
Soft skin, thin lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
It's a big deal, it's scandalous

I kissed a boy and I liked it
The taste of his lack of chapstick
I kissed a boy out of habit
I hope my boyfriend don't find out
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
I think it means I'm in love tonight
I kissed a boy and I liked it
I liked it

*Disclaimer: I felt like spoofing Katy Perry. I have nothing against lesbians/ bisexuals.*

Happy Holidays!

Last Christmas, I had a reasonable list of everything I wanted.
This year, I had no idea. I have friends, I don't have friend drama, I have clothes, I have good body. I'm happy. Well, someone sorta representing a boyfriend would be nice too. But that can wait.
My mom actually got sort of annoyed that I didn't want anything this year. So she like took me shopping and asked me to point out all the stuff I like.
It was really odd.

I still need to buy prezzies for people that I'm seeing tomorrow. But yeah. This weekend will be fun.
I hope.

Seeing my best friend on Tuesday was fun. I haven't seen him in almost six months. He hasn't changed much. It's hard to tell, considering we talk every second of our lives...well I talk to him. He sorta responds.

I always liked Christmas. It's been a good time. This year, it was okay. My aunt had to work late, and my uncle got sick, so no one came. I sigh in whateverness.

Anarchy, Government, and The MTA

To clear something up, I'm not an anarchist. Hard to believe, I know. Government is a great thing! Honestly! Without it, life would go something like this:

Dude 1: *pokes*
Dude 2: "Yo, man, wtf?!"
Dude 1: "I can't poke people no more?"
Dude 2: *pulls out gun and shoots Dude 1*

No laws, no one say that shooting someone is wrong. We'd live in chaos. Sure, the world needs a degree of chaos to make life interesting, but some of it is just unnecessary. Like drama. Chaos NO ONE needs in their life. Thankfully, that's left mine, so yay.

Government needs to bail out the MTA. I am no expert, but raising the fare and cutting service? What is that going to accomplish? I have no idea. But there's an issue when a subway is 5 seconds away, and the last train in front of it left the station about 20 minutes ago, and it is standing there for 10 minutes "approaching." I was almost late for seeing my best friend. I was pretty angry, because now, whenever I have a quote of time to hang out with someone, I have to call my parents when I get out. Because once, the suwbay ate 40 minutes out of the 2 hours I had.

And I only needed to go 5 stops.

Go figure.

Skinny Little B_tch

I saw a book of that title in some store but I forgot which one and it was a guide to being fabulous at any weight and any age for any and every occasion. Too bad that I don't have it.

Anyway, on to the main topic. I lost ten pounds, 7 inches off my waist and about 3 or 4 off my hips. And now, I'm tinier than most of my friends that I was half-jealous of for being tiny. Now, there's nothing to be jealous of. I look fine, I finally have clothes that fit well, and people are starting to take notice of me. Life is good in that regard.

Academically I'm going in a downward spiral. I have no clue WHY. It could be the insomnia/ nightmare complex. Like recently, I haven't been getting much peaceful sleep because some horrid dream would scare me and wake me up at like 3 A.M. and then I would not get back to sleep until 4. That's why I did not do so well on the ACT this time around. I got a 27 when last time I got a 29. School has it's ups and downs and the down is now, I guess. I almost failed a Spanish test. That ALMOST NEVER happens to me. Especially in Spanish! And math has always been a problem since sophomore year, so if that's plateauing in the 80's I will be very happy.

And I don't think I'll get into the college that's a bit of reach for me at all. Seriously. People are telling me "Oh it's a joke if they won't accept you there." Not really since everyone they accept has similar grades to mine. So I just have to pick up my pace and stop wussing out through panic attacks. I just gotta get my head into this whole school thing.

What I'm Thankful For....

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone =D

I think I am going to make my list of thankfulness in list form with smaller explanations.

• My friends: as much as you guys drive me crazy, you give me stories to tell, things to learn, and even more absurd ideas.
• My parents: once again, as much as they drive me insane, they give me something to talk about
• Loyola: it's good to be in school...as stressful as it is.
• The teachers: since it's a public blog, I'm not going to mention any names. But if they every come across it they'll know who they are. I thank my math teacher for being really understanding. I thank my physics and Spanish teachers for being so chill and funny. I thank my English teacher and chamber music director for helping me be more outgoing. I thank my history teacher for giving me a new, relative perspective on history.
  
• The people I don't like: you guys teach me patience.
• New City Police Department: doing a good job keeping everyone safe.
• MTA: as much as your policies suck, you get me to places, like K's house and school.
• Makers of iPod and iTunes: even though your products don't work sometimes, they are really cool.
• My computer: greatest computer ever.
• Josh Hillis blog: helped me lose my goal of ten pounds.
• My bass: keeps my mind off things.
• American Idiot: helps me get through everything and anything.
• Food: helped me from getting an eating disorder (you taste too good!)
• Cosmogirl! and Alternative Press: I really like the articles and I discover awesome music through them.
• Turkey: favorite stuffed animal.
• All the people in my class: because being with the same people everyday, every period is really boring.
• Rein teen tours: greatest experience ever.
• All the stores I shop at: so that I don't have to get arrested everyday for indecent exposure.
• Sims 2: most creative game ever.
• Princeton Review: helps me in school, not just on standardized tests.
• ACT: easiest test ever.
• My sweet sixteen: funny and scandalous, I saw one of my friends there that I haven't seen in almost two years.
• Greece trip: met one of my closest friends there and had some pretty ridiculous happenings.
• Peru trip: more ridiculous shit happening.
• "shit": it's a noun which is most frequently used in my vocab.
• Spanish and German: keep me occupied

This list goes on and on, but those are a few things I'm thankful for. I'm also thankful for today's dinner, even though it won't look as appetizing as the one in the picture.

What Happens When You Ignore Yourself

Recently, I've been doing more work than I can handle.
Seriously.
I barely hang out with anyone. I barely have time for myself. I usually just do school work or various other such things for ACT and stuff.
I wish I was as smart and talented as people seem to perceive me as. For example, I wish I could just write my essays the morning of and get like an A+. But that's not me.
With me, I have to write them the day they're assigned. Or else I bug out and waste more time crying because of stress than actually writing the essay. It's pretty bad.

You know what else is pretty bad? The boy scene. Like...I don't even know if I want to like anyone, forget about wondering whether or not a guy likes me. Or a girl for that matter.
It's sorta weird being at the "questionable" end of the hot spectrum.
My guys friends tell me I'm hot...but they also tell me which of my friends is hot.
And that's a downer.
But, as I mentioned, I have no idea who to like. Because in my mind, I've pretty much ruled out...everyone. Except for people I haven't met yet.
You might think it's odd, but I know too much crap about everyone.

It gets stifling sometimes.

Retreats and Community

I am not the most conforming person at around. Actually, I try my hardest to be as unique as possible. To be different in every way, even in ways people are not expected to be different. I am proud of it.

That is...until my class goes on retreat. I feel totally alone, even with people who are my best friends. They all have something in common, the rest of my class: crappy families, slew of dead close ones, extreme attractions to their pets.

I only have my hate complex to worry about. I am never open about it. Unless someone figures it out. Like Scott did. He has helped me lessen it a lot. I doubt he reads this blog at all, but I want to thank him for it, since I would be in a vicious cycle of never truly accepting myself among other people or with myself. You know that song "My Own Worst Enemy"? Sure, it is about a break up, but I felt like that almost every day.

Until yesterday where I finally, publicly asked for forgiveness for it. And I think it worked. I have not had a negative thought about myself since last night.

Back from the Dead

Well, I have returned from two straight weeks of moping and I am back in action. Took a while to realize that as great a guy he was, Scott and I did not work out. And whatever. There are other guys out there...like all three of my current crushes.

Second quarter is under way already, and I already finished all my service requirements and a stupid research paper reared its ugly head out of NO WHERE! Blah! Oh well, I just have to plow through it and there.

Oh yeah, I also started preparing for the ACT. It is a gift from God. Considering I never saw the test before, I think a 25 is a pretty good score. The instructor is really nice too. She is not too old or too young, so we talk about things like South Park.

Two weeks have passed since I last wrote and there is not much to talk about...oh well...updates are always good.

And So It Was...

Scott and I broke up last night and I have received an influx of "OMG WTF BBQ?!" and "Are you okay?" and "what happened?" Honestly, I was so that life does not get too hard on either of us if we stay together in these cycles of blah and happy. So we decided to become friends.

And it is remarkably easy.

It is funny though, he still makes me really happy, but maybe that is because Scott was my boyfriend in addition to my best friend. So I guess that is what I need to be looking for in my next boyfriend, which probably will not be for a while.

I have been getting some negative attention from guys. I have lost many inches from my waist, so my boobs appear bigger and that is one of the things guys just look at when talking to me. There is also my smarts: some people only talk to me about school or to get answers or to get notes. I am trying not to be as much of a pushover about it this year, but it is really hard. I just cannot be a bitch when it comes to helping people. I am probably going to end up being one of those people on What Not To Wear who dress poorly because they do not get enough "me-time."

Whatever. I have the greatest best guy friend in the world. So I am doing fine.

Field Day 2008

Friendship is a really interesting topic. People are interesting too. Yesterday, I hung out with the peopl in the picture to my left and with others, mostly freshman and sophomores. You probably think that I must be a lame junior since I hung out with them, but really, I had more fun there than with my classmates.

We tackled each other, danced to music, talked about random stuff, made pyramids, attempted at playing chicken on land, attempted a game of marco polo, and other random fun stuff. I had so much and I barely know the kids I hung out with. In school, either our schedules prevent us from talking or the people we usually spend time with keep us occupied. But it was nevertheless fun.

I want to get to know those guys better. I mean, they have to be pretty awesome if you can have so much fun with barely knowing each other and having all these stupid jokes, like Jay being everyone's mutual boyfriend and getting dumped every minute every day by one of us *laughs out loud*. But it was awesome, just like in freshman year when I was friends with many of my classmates before things sort of fell apart.

But who cares? College is coming anyway. New opportunities to meet new people. And I have decided to go to a college where most people are smarter than I am . I feel like people just do not approach me because I am smart girl who happens to be pretty. So that is one of the reasons why I am shooting for an Ivy school. DOUBTFUL that I will get in, but true losers do not even try. And I am going to try.

Rich People And Their Big Houses...

I dislike Aram. Aram, you SUCK! No, just kidding, haha. I am just simply jealous of your house. I am jealous of Scott's old New York penthouse too...but that one is about half the size of Aram's house. His refrigerator is like the size of my kitchen and his kitchen is the size of my living room...maybe even bigger. I want a house like that where I can have my own room and stuff.

When I grow up, I want to be rich. But not in the "oh my gosh, I sit around and do nothing all day and just earn money because my husband made a name for himself." No, I want to work for it. I do not really want to go into business because it is an unstable job. Look at the economy and all the business-related jobs being lost. Um, yeah.

I really like genetics and chemistry. Telejournalism seems interesting too, but I am not outgoing enough to start that. Although, I do want to help people through science and stuff, but not really become a doctor (medical school sounds SO daunting). I want to become a nutritionist since I am very health-aware and I want to help other people become aware of what they eat, how they eat, and how often.

Jeez, I am not even a senior yet and I am already planning for college majors and stuff. I know one thing: due to horrible passed experiences with history classes, no more history for me =]

Deep Conversions in a State Deep Conversations Should Not Be Possible

It did not really feel any different. I felt fine. I talked to my boyfriend yesterday after spending some 5-odd hours with K. First we had dinner with her friend, Ariah, and then we sat at her house drinking a bit while watching TV and talking. And then, when I got home, my parents interogated me about drinking alcohol, but I dismissed it. Until I started talking to Scott. He was teasing me about being buzzed, but whatever. I was fine.

Anyway, onto the bulk of this entry. I did not people get so deep and meaningful while depressants are running through their veins. I guess it sort of forces you to stop, slow down, and actually think about what you are going to say. I am not saying take a few shots before telling your parents that you are pregnant or breaking up with your boyfriend or telling your friend that you do not want to be their friend anymore. But it was interesting to say the least.

Everything I told Kayleigh, probably would not have been. I usually do not tell most people about my various, bullshit crises. I am recently undergoing a religious crisis, but I do not know exactly what the issue is. Scott suggests I am becoming agnostic, but I have no idea. I do not know much recently. It is really weird. Not going to go into it on my blog because some family friend's kid spreads gossip about me that my mom does not even know about. And I kind of want my parents to know after I know what the issue is.

We talked about ex-boyfriends and stuff. Current emotional ruts. Everything that is borderline depressing. I feel like if a log of that conversation went into a novel, people reading it might be in tears. It was stuff that I could not talk to my best friend of almost six years about. I told Scott basically about what went on, and we had a similar conversation (but we usually have those conversations when I am crying hysterically due to a crash).

I think what I learned from last night is that I have two true friends. =]

I'm So Lost at Home...

There are days that I can't wait to go home. There are days when I wish I could stay at school all day. Now they sort of blend sometimes. Where I do not want to go anywhere because there is simply no where to go.



Like Friday. I sort of wandered for forty-five minutes. I did not know if I wanted to chill with people who did not like me or if I wanted to chill by myself, so I did. So I texted my boyfriend. And he was busy. Two of my close friends were in JUG (Jesuit school equivalent of detention), which really sucked. So I wandered around. I did not know if I wanted to go to the bus to go home, so I sort of walked eastward and subconciously started heading in the direction of Scott's house. I stopped myself and got all sad. He does not live there anymore. He is too busy in college where it is way too freaking expensive to see me, so he does not. There are random in which it really hits me. Like at that moment when I had no one to hang out with or talk to.

And I am deciding that I am going to stop caring about all my bullshit friend problems. People give me shit for it and I do not really know if the people giving me issues because of how they treat other people is really affecting them. And you know what? Fuck them. All I know is that no one deserves to be treated the way they treat other people. NO ONE.

First Tests and My Weight (Two Things I Can Never Really Succeed In)

Well...that was a bit of a fiasco. But not as much of a fiasco as last year.

First AP History test last year was an 80. This year, it was a 93. I was sort of happy, but OF COURSE, my too-demanding mother thought I failed at life. First math test last year, I got something in the 80s. This year, it was an 86. First English test last year, 85. This year, 92. First science test, 92. First science quiz-test thing, 100. Obviously something has changed. Perhaps my learning habits or something like that. I have no idea. But I feel like I am burning out. Oh well, as long as I am still doing well by Christmas, I will be okay.

Now, my weight. How much more do people want?! I have lost four or five inches off my waist, my fat percentage went down about a percent. I am really scared of getting any smaller, my ribs are already showing and so are hip bones. I do not look fat. Yet I am somehow ten pounds overweight. Losing weight is just really hard. I workout everyday, I do not eat junk food, and I maintain a constant weight of 140-142 pounds. I only reached 139 about a month ago but that was when I was barely eating and playing tennis eight hours a day. Ugh, I think I am healthy, I do not get sick often, maybe once or twice a year. Well standards of weight are not going to change anytime soon. So whatever.

Why I Hate and Love People

Hate People: They flake...A LOT! I get so annoyed with them sometimes, it makes me cry and say things that I definitely do not mean. For example, I am refusing to talk to some of my friends because they all ditched me Friday night. Um, yeah that really sucks and it makes you feel like shit. And some people, are fakes. They pretend to be your friend just to get something out of you--like an awesome study for a class. I am worth more than that. I do not just sit around and study all day. On the contrary, I actually hate sitting around and studying all day. But that is exactly what an 97.6 average and glasses means. I am much sexier than that, seeing as I watch fashion shows religiously to make sure I do not look like a nerd. Some people are liars too. They date people with no intention of having it last as long as possible and therefore, take a gander at other people and think about getting together with them. That is so wrong. Usually, the guy is more than genuine and doing that is called being a bitch.

Love People: They wait for you on street corners and do crazy things with you. Like drink while watching Little Miss Sunshine and grinding with you along to "Super Freak." That was the best night ever. The drinking was a little disappointing, since I never drank before, so I assumed I would be gone by 2 shots of hard liquor. I was perfectly fine after 3.5 shots and beer. My friend who was with me was out of it after a shot and a beer. But it was fun, to say the least. And then I chilled with my other friend who, though she was an hour late, showed up. And we had fun trying to pronounce German and trying on ridiculous clothes. My friends mean a lot to me. And friendship is a two-street. Unfortunately, most people are unaware of that and therefore need to get slapped across the face with karma.

First Days Back

They were...meh. Well, nah, I really should not say that. I have somewhere between a 90 and a 100 average in everything because I actually do my homework and stuff because I am dilligent like that. Friend-wise, it is fantastic, I guess. I chat more in class nowadays too because frees are for homework and I tend to space out socially while doing that...unless I am chatting online.

So, I ended last year tied for second place in the class and on the first honors roll. Yeah, I will not go further into my study habits or intelligence because frankly, I have no idea how that happened, considering how rough last year started.

This year, junior year, started off rather smoothly. I am not stressed out yet, no one is giving me any trouble so far...well, except for my best friends who keep flaking on me on Fridays. It is very annoying and I really want to get down on the issue. Well, yesterday it rained a lot, so I can see why hanging out would be a little inconvenient. Oh well.

Now I have new friends, so I can expand my circle of people to hang out with. Except I do not really have the courage to ask for new people's phone numbers, let alone to hang out. I really feel uncomfortable calling someone if I have not known them very long, does not matter if there is a crisis.

The classes are allright. I mean, I cannot complain...except for physics. The teacher drones on and on and on and it is really hard to focus on what he is saying without being so annoying by the way he is saying it! Speech class should be fun, considering it is really interactive and stuff. So far, I have to write an introduction about my friend as if we got together 10 years after graduation. That should be fun.

I wonder what else this year holds for me...

Depression Hurts

Um...like no shit, it does. I am apologizing in advance for every profanity spoken in this entry. Well, I mean, people cannot function when they are depressed. Plain and simple.

I have not gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Either I had to be up early (on tour) or I do not fall asleep until 2 A.M. or I get nightmares during the night. It really hurts. And now, there is some form of subconscious anorexia or something going on, because I cannot eat. I have a slice of toast with a slice of tomato and I am full. I try eating another one, and I get heartburn. I really sucks. And I don't want to get all the complications related to not eating enough. But I am eating a balanced diet...whatever, it is still scary.

I guess they just say stuff like "Where does depression hurt?" just to give the people who have never had it some verbal idea of what it is like. They even show people with really emo expressions on their faces. Well, with the people I know, it's a slew of "I'm fine's" until they give up on you. Until you're like "shit, I am alone."

The loneliness is the worst. You have no freaking clue how to occupy yourself because you've isolated yourself so badly. And I so many people have left me. I've lost...about 12 friends this year. Twelve CLOSE friends. I have lost any form of integrity of being myself just because like...if barely anyone likes you, is it really okay to still be you?

That's the question I am trying to answer.

And nothing fits.

iNerd

(I figured making the title with an iTunes-esque type would help my case).

I like learning. Ever since I got my textbooks, I have been reading all of them. With no jokes, either. The theology textbook is so poorly written, I got a good lesson in English grammar rather than scripture. I attempted at reading the Spanish book of short stories and honestly, I barely got a thing. All I understood was some kid was involved in a trial in which the prosecutor was anal abot information pertaining to the trial. Beowulf was fun to read, especially how everyone who had any balls or muscles was extremely, extremely in Anglo-Saxon England...and was worshipped for it.


I decided to start teaching myself German. So far, I can only conjugate -en verbs in the present tense. And that making something plural can actually change the gender, which is interesting. I have been on the greatest Rammstein phase ever. I. Can. Not. Stop. Listening. To. Them. They are so GOOD! I saw the Mann Gehen Mann (which means "Man Against Man") music video and I was like "EW!" But they're rock gods they don't need sex appeal. I saw some live videos and in all honesty, I get turned on by people who are sick at the guitar or bass. And then I get a hyperactivity fit.

So what else...I want to learn how to cook too. I got made fun of on Rein tour for not being able to, so I want to change that. I want to not fail on my own in life. Although...I know how to make eggs and sandwiches. Woohoo...go me.

Insecurity

I am not going to go off onto a big rant as to how insecure I am not. I am just going to talk about how insecure I am.

There's too much about me that I would really like to change. Not so much about looks, but something about my personality keeps people away. I have been described as scary, adorable, weird, independent...from a multitude of people. I have no clue what my friends would describe me as.

Some say I am a great person because I worry more about other people than I do myself. And that is because...I guess I just sometimes feel like I am not going to have a purpose in life besides getting other people through life and having my life perpetually put on hold. But you know...maybe that is just going to be my life...

An endless cycle of helping with no time to fix issues that are kicking me somewhere that is like an emotional funny bone.

Parties = Fun Only If You're Drinking

I am an awkward turtle. No, really, I am. I do not understand where people get the idea that I am "da shyt" and such a socialite because I am not. I am so quiet when hanging out with people I do not know, because I know I will come off as super-duper immature or obviously trying to be older.

I just got back from, for all technicality's sake, a college party. And I knew one person there: my boyfriend. I stayed on the couch with him quietly because I could not contribute to conversations revolving around "my worst hangover." I would not know. I am not a kid who can go up to people and just be all talkative. I never know what to say, especially when I get pissed at my two best friends. But besides that, I do not know what to say. This one guy there asked me about my summer. I uttered like a sentence and went quiet. I cannot communicate with people older than me. Ever. Unless they act like they are my age or nice enough to not have the whole "I obviously act older than I am even though I am already older than you" aura going on. I just cannot deal with it without being shy.

And I honestly felt that my boyfriend had that aura tonight. And it sucked. Like, I honestly felt like they were babysitting me. It is one thing when you are 18 like they are and do not know anyone, and a completely different thing when you are 16, a lowly sophomore, who went to their high school, and do not know anyone.

It is awkward central. This is one of those deals where you cannot tell anyone about it because they will laugh at you for not drinking. Society is not really a thing I like.

Anger (Sorta Really Personal...Eh...This is a Blog After All)

Anger is another one of those things that is utterly useless. I have never been what one might call an "angry" person. I just usually brush things off and carry on with my own meaningless existence. As we all probably should.

But I do not understand why I have been so angry in the passed two days. Well, I know why, but I just...do not know why. I mean, I know what triggered it, but I do not understand why it is still carrying on.

I usually get these things that I call "anger flashes." They usually happen when I get indecently annoyed and last a few seconds. But something recently happened between me and a friend, and I cannot get it out of my head.

I dislike passive people. People say that I am passive. I am not passive. I am simply really selective about what ultimately matters, what will not matter, and the things that just are not worth getting angry over. I know people who passively flirt with other people, barely aware that they are hurting their significant other. I know people that think their problems surpass those of others, no matter how much worse those problems can be from their own. People are passive when it comes to being sensitive about someone's feelings. I dislike them all.

In my opinion, I do not think people should be so insensitive. Some people, when given horrible news from a friend who cannot cope with it or good news from a friend who wants joy to be shared, just do not care. I pull that card sometimes, so I cannot say that I am entirely innocent. However, there is always a limit. People ALWAYS have a breaking point.

And people's breaking points...well...they are just so early on it is hard to notice.

The Dark Knight 9/10

I am not a fan of comic book superheroes. I tend not to be a fan of their movies, either. However, when I saw the add for The Dark Knight, it blew my mind to pieces. I thought it was going to be a good movie. It demolished my expectations and the new Batman installment is my current obsession.

In this movie, Batman has apparently driven all criminals underground and they need to resurface. So they hire a new guy, The Joker, to take out Batman. The Dark Knight had a lot to say about the morality of people without being preachy. There were many scenes where people had to make a lot of choices, mostly having to do with the questions of who gets to die and who gets to live.

The movie's consistency was amazing. It had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was so tense, I could not even realize that something funny happened. And most things in the movie made me jump. I do not jump often, if ever, in movies.

And the Joker. Oh my God. I have not been so impacted by a character since I saw Nightmare on Elm Street. I am officially scared of clowns. Heath Ledger did a great job in the role and my friends talk about how he should totally be nominated for an Oscar. I doubt it, just because Oscar season is not going to come for a while.

Overall, I give the movie 9 out of 10 on an imaginary rating scale.

Clinics Are Scary

Honestly, they are. I went to one with my boo, K. I felt so out of place...the weirdest feeling ever. It was as if I am supposed to be there, but I am not. Like I should not have to be one of the kids who has to go there.

But I am. And it feels odd.

Like as if I am better than that. But then again...I have no idea what I am better than. I sort of do not get the whole "better than" saying. Who determines that? Why must we need standards?

And it is questions like those that give me hope through CD's such as Green Day's American Idiot. I find so much comfort through it. The main character leads an exciting, aggressive, and ultimately depressing life, but he gets through it. And I want to get through it like Jesus of Suburbia does.

No regrets.

I pretend though. Things that I got through, still gnaw at me sometimes. Like a really hungry rat that has nothing better to do. It is as if it is saying: "HEY LOOK THERE'S CHEESE! But I will gnaw at this rope instead!" It makes no sense.

Helpless

I am not referring to something being without aid. Well, that is not entirely true, because partially, I am. But I am talking about not being able to help someone. Just being useless I guess is a better term.

When you just want to stand there and cry. Like crying will fix anything. It will not save your friend's girlfriend, it will speed time up to see your boyfriend, it will not prevent someone from getting really badly hurt.

I hate the feeling. It eats at me often. And I am just sick of it.

I am sick of crying. As much as I hate Fergie's music, big girls do not cry. No, they actually get up and do something about the problem. And not sit there and cry. Crying is a waste of time and energy. Not even energy.

It is simply a waste.

My friend Liz wrote an excellent poem about crying and the its connection with human emotion and the beauty of it. Human emotion is lovely enough without tears. But then again...

How are you to react to something sad, shocking or depressing without crying? Standing there makes you an asshole. Laughing makes you a bubbleheaded bitch who fails at life. Walking away...just makes you seem heartless.

I guess crying just helps people relate. I have no idea how. When someone cries, people can assume it is something bad and I guess it could also be a conversation starter.

I am really tired and rambling...but I think my point is: crying is useless and useful at the same time.

Tennis Camp and Physical Misconceptions

So I have been at tennis camp for a week and a half. I figured "HEY! Maybe I'll lose some weight." I have gained two pounds. So frustrating! Except calorie counting is the most effective thing I've done. That's how I lost two pounds this week.

And all the kids at tennis camp do not think I look 16. I hoped to God that it was because I am short. But they say that my face does not look like that of a 16-year-old. I sometimes wish I did not have such friendly-looking features. Like German or MySpace kids. None of them look their age. Most of them look older. Oh well.

So, hours in the hot sun. Not that exciting. I wish we played more. But of course, the little kids need to get lost going to the bathroom or wander off looking for a band-aid, causing all action to stop, freaking out the coaches. And about half an hour shaved off of having time to play. It is beyond annoying, especially for the older kids. I actually want to play. I am not lazy when it comes to sports. I sprain my ankle, I run through the pain. That is just how I operate. It is probably very unhealthy, but whatever. I do not like weakness.

Parties and Tennis Camp

So I had my sweet 16 on Friday. It was AWESOME!! Everyone had a good time (seemed to have or told me they did, anyway) and I had a great time. A better time than anyone else.

And now I hang out at tennis camp for seven hours a day, five days a week, in the hot sun. Sure, it sounds like torture, but it's actually fun when you have plenty of friends there.

I just like playing sports, not so much watching them or obsessively keeping track of all the key players. I find that boring and something people get way too caught up in. Like, this one guy in Poland, got SO pissed off that Poland lost to Germany in the Eurocup that he threw his TV out the window. That's a waste of a good TV.

My favorite tennis shot is the volley. I am a beast at those, but since I have not played in a year, they aren't very terrifying. I'll show the other players next week and maybe I will get moved up...

If the cocky jerks do not get to me. There are so many cocky people there and the cockiest are the worst players. I really should not be talking, but it's true! They try to make crazy, pro shots, a cheap immitation of Federer and those people, since they shots either attack the net or never go in. It is rather amusing.

My middle finger hurts because I jammed it. So that's my blurb until it gets better.

College + Standardized Tests + Ideals = CRAPPER THIS IS SCARY!

I just got back from college tour. I saw about 13 or 14 colleges in 5 days. My favorites were: University of Delaware, George Washington University, Georgetown (which everyone seems to like), and Lehigh University. My mom thinks they are all bad except Georgetown. With all due respect, Georgetown in unattainable. So, I will give a brief overview of why I like them.

University of Delaware has a gorgeous campus and it seems easy to navigate. It has the best study abroad program to all continents, including ANTARCTICA! They have over 125 majors too, many of which I'm interested in. And no core curriculum, which is AWESOME! I like independence. And it has 15,000 students and I want to be anonymous, but not to the point of ignorance where people cannot help me with internships.

Upon which note, I move onto GWU. It is GREAT for internships. Both campuses are located in Washington, D.C., so there are many important government jobs to do. The student body is about 10,000, so yay for anonymity! And it is a top-10 college in the country. So if my mom thinks it is a bad school, SURE IT IS!

And then there's Georgetown. Lovely European-like campus and great facilities, but completely unattainable. They judge students according to Ignatian ideals and I know I definitely do not adhere to those. Except for grade-wise. But the numbers for their SATs and ACTs are just disgusting because I know I will not be able to make above a 700. And it is really depressing.

So, Lehigh gave us a really realistic picture. Since kids applying on Early Decision made up half the student body, that decreased the chances for regular applicants to get in. I really liked the campus, because it is on a mountain and I like mountains. The study abroad is really good too, unlike most schools we looked at. The academics are good too and have programs that I will be interested in. And tennis is a major sport there, which makes me happy.

I have no clue if I have a shot at any of these. Hopefully I do. Mr. Hanley cannot stress enough that there are more kids applying and how it is more competitive and whatnot. That is so discouraging! Oh well.
It's worth a shot, no?

Birthdays and Happiness and FEK YOU COLLEGE BOARD!

Okay, so...I love my school. Really, I do. It is awesome, I met the love of my life there. And he gave me the coolest birthday present ever: blue roses. They are m-effing awesome! Did you know that there is no way to get them naturally (except for genetic engineering, but that is not entirely natural)? Yeah, planters pretty much dye the flowers blue having them sit in blue coloring liquid for a few days. And they are gorgeous! Do you not agree?

But tests royally stink.

And so does the ever-present reality that I need to start thinking about colleges.

And the ever-present reality that my parents think that I am too dumb on standardized tests to get anything worthy of the schools I like, such as Oxford and Yale. Why do I like these schools?

Well, Oxford is in England. Tolkien taught there, C.S.Lewis was part of the writing club there (the Inklings). England is the coolest place ever. The style in London is so punk/hardcore that it baffles me to the core in excitement. I went there when I was going into seventh grade and I fell in love! Greatest city on earth! I need to revisit the Tower of London and London Dungeon, now that I have more guts to not freak out at anything.

And as for Yale...well, the University of Connecticut and Trinity are close by. My boo is going to UConn but he's wait-listed for Trinity (I hope he gets in). But that is sort of stupid. However, I also enjoy the idea of going to an Ivy League school, as weird as that sounds. My parents want that too, even though they are using a poor method of encouraging me to go. Too bad I will not get to visit it on college tour. Maybe I will find another school I like. Something closer to home...and him.

Being in love does strange things to people. You will not know until you are in it yourself. It is easy to observe, and it really looks odd. But it is the GREATEST feeling ever.

A Little More Personal

Do you hate anger? When feelings in you just start boiling up and you don't know what to do with them? When all you can do is scream at everyone and cry these tiny tears that just come by the multitude?

That happened to me yesterday. When I realized that I am the anti-ideal: everything your mother probably does not want you to be. Okay, people who know me personally, sure you can say that I am funny, smart, pretty, etc. whatever. It all comes at a price. The price is pretty high, too. I can't be pretty without working my ass to get that way. Honestly,
I have been trying to avoid eating disorders all year. No, I have not puked this year. Sure, there was a period when I only ate about 600 Calories a day (as a reference, 600 Calories is what most people eat at dinner). I cannot really stand my body. It is just irregular. I'm not meso-, ecto-, or endomorphic. I do not fit a mold. I am the unique anti-ideal.

And there are personality quirks that just drive me up the wall sometimes. I am not going to get into those, but I feel worthless a lot. And rereading that entry about perfection, I like to think that there is no such thing as perfect. But there is conventional beauty.

I will never be conventionally beautiful.

I do not say that in a "psh who needs that" kind of way. I say it in a "it will never happen." I just have to keep telling myself another phrase: "get used to it." I am never going to be the It girl. Ever. It is simply not going to happen. I got off on the wrong foot in manners and looks. And I am going to have to square with that. As much as I want to be an ideal, there people to fit the mold better than I do. Better than I ever would want to. The more I want, the more miserable I am.

So, I am resolving to not want anything. SYKE! Not going to happen.

Lost in Territory I Know

Walking home from school,
no umbrella in hand,
my hair getting soaked,
and I'm hating how well the weather relates to how I feel.

The devious path of life
takes you so far away,
and the crap in mine
keeps you so far away and I'm trying to break it down.
I'm
trying
to
get
to
you.

I hold my breath.
And for a few moments, I can feel my heart racing,
my eyes getting so warm, feeling that wall
in my mind
in my chest
in places I never knew one could feel pain.
At least not emotional pain.

All this time,
I've been dreaming.
Because reality
to be honest (as you tend to say)
sucks. No lies there.

I just want something unconditional.
I want something for nothing.
Nothing too expensive, at least.

But the price is so high.
And there's nothing neither you nor I can do to lower it.
As much as we want to.
And then starts the barage of
"If
only's"
and
"why's"
and
thunderbolts.

What's Conventional?

So, my boos (best friends and boyfriend, for future reference) tell me that I am gorgeous and beautiful. So does my my mother and father. But other people are just like "eh" or "emooo." Because smiling is very characteristic of your stereotypical emo kid. Anyway, I find that there are two kinds of beauty: conventional and unconventional.

Conventional beauties are the girls and guys whom people find universally attractive. Pretty much, you can ask any guy or girl what he or she thinks, and that person will tell you that they are hot. The conventionals get all the guys or girls with ease. But some just have a really hard time keeping them, since the other people hitting on them are distracting. Or so I've found. Some conventional beauties have no inner substance. They have this gorgeous facade, but it is rotten underneath. They are too aware of how pretty they are and demean people who are not. I have experienced this first hand and it is not fun at all.

Unconventional beauties are the kids that barely get any recognition until they find someone who just thinks they are gorgeous. Like me. Not many think people think I'm "hot." Usually it is "eh" or just jumps to something completely disrespectful. I find it rather annoying. But I love the people who think I am pretty and whatnot because they just wish the best for me. They want to stop me from approaching another nigh-eating disorder so that I do not try becoming that which I am not.

Beauty comes in all shapes and forms, none of which is necessarily perfect. And I hope someone finds something lovely and wonderous in anyone who reads the blog because I am pretty sure you totally deserve it.

Sorry I'm Not Perfect...

Perfection is something we all want. In the picture to the left, there are some pretty perfect people: the man on the left is an intellectual who has a great personality, the guys are both fantastic athletes with stellar grades, the girls are people every guy wants for their beauty, wit, and charm. I wish I could be the girl every guy wants. I wish to be an ideal. However, during an interesting conversation on this topic, my best friend, Kayleigh, said, "your boobs are too big for you to be an ideal." Now, do not assume I took that as an insult. I thought it was interesting. Perhaps I am the conventional or even her ideal. Therefore, perfection is subjective.

Society's idea of perfection and ideal changes with each generation and with every decade. In prehistoric times, the ideal was to be plump, since fat represented wealth because one could afford food and survive efficiently. During the Classical era, the ideal was to have large, defined musculature. In Renaissance times, the ideal was pale skin, diluted eyes, and brown hair (at least in Italy). Literacy was also part of this idea. In the 1980's, people wanted to have big hair and exaggerated makeup.

Today, the perfect girl is tall and skinny. At least that is what you find in magazines. Referring back to the conversation with Kayleigh, guys supposedly like girls with some meat on their bones because "there is something to grab." Literacy seems to be optional, since "dumb" girls tend to be more entertaining. However, the smart ones win out in the end.

No one can talk about beauty with stating their own opinions and having someone disagree with them. My boyfriend, Scott, thinks I am perfect. I do not. My idea of perfection is straight, volumptuous hair, a somewhat built body (none of that "skinny but flabby" nonsense) and really unique style. You might have a different idea. Either way, there is no way one can talk about perfection. And in this case, majority does not rule.

Stress = UTTERLY USELESS

Stress is a factor in everyone's life. I am not kidding by that. If there is no stress in someone's life, they must be pretty freaking lazy. It is a major part of the teenage years. Honestly, I can barely recount any days in which I have not been feeling some sort of anxiety. Some kids can handle them. Others cannot. In the end, I think we can ALL safely say that stress is useless.

Let's look at one example of someone who could not handle stress and the teenage years: Holden Caulfield. He was miserable. He did not want to grow up. Not that he was exclusively immature--he was to some extent--he was not prepared for the "phoniness" of adulthood, and he especially was not ready for sex. Poor guy landed in the mental hospital after wandering New York after getting kicked out of Pencey. Ever felt failure? It sucks, does it not? I doubt anyone undergoes that without major anxiety.

However, there are a few people I know in person who deal miraculously with stress. I give them many kudos. I usually end up collapsing under pressure and stress. It is usually crap that I am not directly involved in, but it involves people close to me. I am very sensitive--pssh, of course I am sensitive, I am writing a BLOG of ALL things! It can kill severely.
There are times at which I wish I could fit into Holden's ideal of being eternally innocent, away from stress and lies and the strangenesses of adulthood. Naturally, you cannot avoid that. Environmentally, you cannot either. Tough luck. But hopefully, no one will end up in a hospital like Holden did.

(Love + Tests + Concerts) - Time = My Life

Life is a journey. A very long journey, a tedious one, an exciting one, and a rough one. No, just because you are rich and well-to-do does not mean you do not have problems. In contrast, just because you are poor does not mean you have a multitude of issues. I am in this middle crowd of people who cannot go shopping every other day, but have something to eat every meal of the day. However, I do and do not have problems. Right now, I have to deal with love, concerts, and tests and no time to balance the three.

I will start with love. It is the easiest thing to ramble about. Therefore, I shall try to keep this concise. I have found love. I have many people who I love: my best friends. They keep me sane, yet I have no time for them at all anymore.

Which leads to my second point: tests. Stupid life-draining pieces of crap. Okay, good intentions, bad execution. People need balance in their lives among school, leisure and love. With school...it does not seem to be. The drama you deal with there drains time away from tests, tests drain time away from leisure like extracurriculars, and those take time away from friends and now you can press the repeat button. I admire kids who can balance all those things. It is really difficult. Earlier this week, I felt terrible that I didn't talk to my best friend because I was too busy studying and hanging out with my friends at school and practicing for the Spring concert at my school. I truly felt terrible.

There is one thing I can name that balances all the things mentioned above. I like music. Scratch that, I love music. If music was outlawed or there was an embargo on European music, I would die. And music is played at concerts. People go to concerts. Friends are people. Therefore, friends go to concerts too (Q.E.D.). Concerts bring people together. The Spring concert reunited my best friends, helped me get more in touch with close friends, and meet new ones. Today, I am going to Bamboozle with my best friends, dad, and boyfriend. It will be amazing since I will be with them and they rock my life.

Yet somehow...I need to find balance for all the stuff I have due next week...

Teens in Love is Supposed to Be Bull

Now, out of sheer respect for readers, I'll try to tone down the language and refrain from using profranity. That's just a simple disclaimer.

Now, to start off, are teens supposed to be in love? Are they? I sometimes wonder. I mean, they say that you don't know what you want until you're older and by the time you do, you're too old to take advantage of it. I'd like to think otherwise. Well, there's love in friendship, no? When you sit by someone at their worst, taking care of them, or simply talking to someone when their life seems to be in a spiral downward. Isn't that love? When you risk your own happiness to make sure someone else gets their's? Eh, I'm only like 15, what do I know?

The weeks from hell are slowly encroaching. I'm going to hate the week of the 5th, but at least it ends on a good note with a concert with my best friend :D

Wish me luck on my big, scary nationwide AP exam!! Good luck to anyone taking those as well!