5/28/2008

A Little More Personal

Do you hate anger? When feelings in you just start boiling up and you don't know what to do with them? When all you can do is scream at everyone and cry these tiny tears that just come by the multitude?

That happened to me yesterday. When I realized that I am the anti-ideal: everything your mother probably does not want you to be. Okay, people who know me personally, sure you can say that I am funny, smart, pretty, etc. whatever. It all comes at a price. The price is pretty high, too. I can't be pretty without working my ass to get that way. Honestly,
I have been trying to avoid eating disorders all year. No, I have not puked this year. Sure, there was a period when I only ate about 600 Calories a day (as a reference, 600 Calories is what most people eat at dinner). I cannot really stand my body. It is just irregular. I'm not meso-, ecto-, or endomorphic. I do not fit a mold. I am the unique anti-ideal.

And there are personality quirks that just drive me up the wall sometimes. I am not going to get into those, but I feel worthless a lot. And rereading that entry about perfection, I like to think that there is no such thing as perfect. But there is conventional beauty.

I will never be conventionally beautiful.

I do not say that in a "psh who needs that" kind of way. I say it in a "it will never happen." I just have to keep telling myself another phrase: "get used to it." I am never going to be the It girl. Ever. It is simply not going to happen. I got off on the wrong foot in manners and looks. And I am going to have to square with that. As much as I want to be an ideal, there people to fit the mold better than I do. Better than I ever would want to. The more I want, the more miserable I am.

So, I am resolving to not want anything. SYKE! Not going to happen.

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