A Little Taste of How Horny I Am [Sorta like No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand]

Fuck me.
Pull your boxers down and
Fuck me.

Fuck me out of my mind
So sweetly.
Sweet me with your words
So nicely.
Romance with some songs
So crisply.

Oh you know
You know that yes I love
I MEAN I
...
Well yeah I really love you.

Oh you, boy, will never get
Oh no you boy will never get
No you boy won't ever get
How make your girl feel.

Sometimes I think the perviest
Things...I think, I mean I...
Think the horniest things.

Baby,
Your so sexy
I can't help me.
Help me
From thinking horny thoughts
About thee.

Oh you know you know you
That yes I love,
But I really
Want to make love to you.

Kayleighsita [Song for My Best Friend]

Sometimes life just goes where we
Don't want it to be,
Kind of like falling asleep
And going three stops too far.

But it's those times when you see
Everything as a dream
You don't know right from left
Or up from down...
Wait, that's me on a normal day.

I digress and return to you
My ailing friend with broken heart
And enough kleenex to kill all the trees.

Don't worry
I will hold your head high
Even though you want to cry.

Kayleighsita,
It'll all be okay.
Don't worry it'll be fine.

I think that you just need some time
For yourself and for your tears and ugly thoughts and ugly fears.
I will soon become just a bad memory
And nothing more than a dream.

You were
There for me when I was sad.
But I'll be there for you now.

Kayleighsita,
Don't stop crying.
Wait until you feel all right.

My theory is you need to be upset
At least just for a little while
To get all the ugliness out.
So that the prettiness could shine.

Because really...
You are quite fantastic.
I want to see you smile.

Kayleighsita,
You're my friend.
And I don't want
To see you sad.

Just please please cry
Until you don't need to cry.

Fastest Day Ever

I don't remember much from today.
Almost as if I was sleeping.
The only thing really waltzing in my brain is:
"But not just sex. Let's really make love."

And Star Trek.
And Obsessed.
And various movie websites.

Sound familiar, babe?

My Favorite Friends [Song I Made Up This Morning In The Shower]

I love Tila.
She's the best friend that I ever had.
She fun one-on-one
And She's fun when with friends.
And I want to do her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend Johnnie.
He's the coolest guy around.
He's wears many different outfits
And when he wears red
He is so fucking sexy.

Johnnie's cousin Jack.
He's always wearing black.
It's super flattering and it
Makes him so hot.
Oh my God, I want a threesome.

These are my fruity friends.
They are the most loyal people.
They're fun one-on-one and
Fun when with people
I never knew people so real.

Sad little Ginny.
She usually sits at home by herself.
But she's the greatest tutor ever.
She's helped me with English
And she got me through history.
She should be much happier.

My parents don't like my friends.
And it's probably the bad influence
They have.
They make other people be stupid
But they make me feel smart.
They are so awesome.

Jack and Johnnie are best party dates ever.
They are pretty popular.
Everyone likes them
And their other friends too.
They party super hard.

These are my fruity friends.
They're sometimes quite flaming.
But they make everything better
And make parties for fun.
I really miss them.

Ever Have Those Nights?

Ok, so, I might not have lasted passed the 8th grade.
And there are times I wonder:

Why am I still here?

I get so unhappy sometimes...
Okay, not unhappy.
Just really freaking upset sometimes.

I just got off the phone with him.
And I know he didn't mean it the way
It came out.
But it's just...

Fucking Christ, why am I always the one left?

Here it comes again...

Sick freaking puppy.

But just like that one song by Fall Out Boy,
I cannot blame my issues on the world.
It just starts sounding really monotonous.
And I can't blame all my issues on me either.
(Not my fault my friends are sort of being really weird).
Or is it?

I'm like the kids in "Mister Misfortune."
I'm licking my scars, not caused by straighteners,
But by freaking everything.

I'm just so upset.

Longest Night Ever

When you see your child in obvious pain
All night,
Would you just SIT there
And watch and do nothing besides rub
Her tummy and back?

When your child is roaring at you
All morning
Would you just STAND there
And act as if nothing is wrong?

Parents--

This is what NORMAL people do.
They take their kid to the doctor.
And not to the doctor 45 minutes away in fucking Greenpoint.
I had a rock in my throat most of the night.
My stomach felt like it was going to explode
As if there was a face-sucker in it.
My chest is so tight right now
I cannot even get out of bed.

And I'm missing school.
All because you just sat there and didn't go
To the pharmacy for fear that I'd get even more sick.
Good concern, but if the meds made me sick
We'd know WHY I'm even more sick in the place.
And now I'll definitely have a DBQ or something due
Monday that I don't know about
So it gets postponed for me to Tuesday.
I probably have a test on Monday
On stuff we learned today.

And it's all because you sat there all night.
Thanks a fucking lot.

Last Night [I Composed a Bass Part]

I woke up last night in the
Middle of a dream
Wondering "How the hell I'd end up here?"

I looked out the ballroom window
And there your hand was
And I wondered how the hell you're
Out there.

I like to think that my dreams are so profound
But really they're just some random sounds.

Like a discontinued chorus
Taken completely out of context
In a horrible remix of
My favorite rock song.

I sat up and went to see you hand
But there really wasn't any body there.

So I looked at it and cried
And I realized that there was no one there.

Oh how...
I miss days
When I didn't have to wake up
And wonder if I am dreaming.

Oh how...
I want to
Go back to freshman year
And start up again.

But I know I can't.
And I also know that
Getting a nom won't happen,
Just because I'm not at a place where I belong.

In guidance class we were watching a movie
About death and fear and restraint and what
Links them all.

I would never ever ever
Want to
Never ever ever
Want to
Watch some segments of my life.

But then...
I hear songs
That have really painful images attached.

But then...
I see pics
Of images I never want to relive.

I am difficult.
I am annoying.
And that's what brought here in the first place.

And I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to be
Such a bitch to you earlier today.

Strangely Fatigued

Today is just one of those days
When I crashed so hard
I just kind of what to be like the chick
in The Ring video who just stands there
At the mirror, monotonously pulling
At her hair with a hairbrush.

I don't feel like studying,
Even though I want to get like a 90
In English class.

I don't feel like starting my short story
Even though the idea is brilliant.

I don't feel like doing my physics paper
Even though the teacher won't be there
Tomorrow.

I don't feel like going to school tomorrow
Even though there's voting for student government.

I'm so unmotivated,
That sleep doesn't even sound appealing.

"Do It Now, Lick It Good"

I find the strangest solace in completely perverted music.
Or songs with catchy beats
Sung by really hot women
With clipped poetic rhythms.
Like that Lady GaGa song Poker Face.
It is incredibly catchy.

I also have the calmest thoughts thinking about strippers.
Like, they are probably the epitome of female beauty.
Not models or over-photoshopped MySpace kids.
They have nothing to hide behind.
And all people drool over them.
I wish I could be like that.
But I think to some people I already am.

And that's solace enough.

"Turn Off the Lights and Turn Off the Shyness"

Ever felt so strongly about someone
You just want to do everything with them?
Take them everywhere?
Stand on top of a building and shout that you love them?
Or you just want to make them something
So totally awesome and silly just to see if
They'll smile?
Or you can't even get through an hour without
Thinking about them?

Once on THIS Island

I'm not referring to the musical.
Well, I sort of am.
Considering I saw it yesterday
With Cave-boo...
Well I saw half of it with Cave-boo,
The other half with Ellewoods and her friend.
It was ridiculously cute!

But once on this island,
The island I grew up on,
There was a girl
And there commuted a boy.

They had many silly times.
Many romantic times.
And many odd times.

But it's all worth it.

Considering this is the island
Of big dreams.
Where small-town people could potentially
Become millionaires
And where hopeless can find some shining ray of hope.

Drinking Holiday

Two words that don't belong in the same sentence together.

Holy implies a sense of the sacred.
Day usually means when it's bright out.

But drinks are associated with the divine, right?
Jesus drank wine.
Religious services usually involve some form of wine.

And some Jewish holidays take place at around sundown.
Which is definitely not daytime.

Happy and Monday are also two words
That don't belong together in the same sentence.

But you which two words do?

Me and you.

"DID YOU EVA RAAAAPE SOMEONE?"

[aka Why I Should Be A Peer Leader At My School]

I am a very kind,
Loving, caring,
And affectionate person.

I like helping people,
People can relate to me.

I can be a leader
Without being intimidating
Or overbearing.
I can make people laugh
Even though I'm being serious.

I think
That I rock =]

The Next Lucy

[Inspired by Dracula]

Lying awake at one in the morning,
The only thing thought of is blood,
Blood rushing through veins,
Blood causing much heat,
Blood inspiring friction.

Blood comes from the heart,
It comes toward the heart.
But it could come from other places
As well, at the thought of certain people,
The want of certain things,
The disdain of certain things.

But never from the indifference
Towards certain things.

At one o'clock in the morning,
The air swirls with a mist caused by
The pumping blood. Almost like a dream,
But not quite...
Until waking up six or seven hours later
With a feeling of elatedness that could not
Have been a dream
But that could not have been real as well.

I Am Pissed...No Sugarcoating

Woke up this morning, feeling drab.
Only went to school because of the test I had.
Half-heartedly ate my breakfast
I'm pretty sure that it couldn't last.
In my head, my own voice screaming,
"HELP! I really just wish I was dreaming."

I didn't want to wake up this Tuesday.
Why can't?
Why can't? Why can't?
It just be Friday.

I went to assembly,
Hoping there'd be no more stupid new age prayers.
Luckily there weren't, but I found out
That my English teacher was not there.
Yet I still had to go and take my English test.
Kids who shouldn't wake up
Are zombies in the day.
Jesus, Poofy, did you have to stay at home?

Later that day, I went to see the Guidance Counselor.
I told her my problems and the some recent drama that went on.
I might have an eating disorder, I hate half the people I know.
You're all available but when I really don't need you all.

I didn't want to wake up this Tuesday.
Why can't?
Why can't? Why can't?
It just be Friday.

Then it turns out that I have about 5 or 6 free periods.
Really boring, especially when you have no work to do.
I wish I could just eat and eat and eat some more.
But my stomach kept tricking me, so I assumed I was bored.

Tonight will be my second night without a proper dinner
To be had. Not because my mom fucked up.
It's because the timing wasn't right.
And being hungry just makes me more easily ticked off.

Caught Me Living In A Dream

I feel like I'm going through a daze
Half the time I'm talking to Cave-boo.
He's like everything I asked for...
Well, except for the distance thing,
But we make it work.

Speaking of dazes,
I have no idea what's going on in school.
My physics teacher is loony.
I have this massive AP US research paper
Due I have no idea when.
I have AP exams slowly coming up
And nipping me in the ass.
And I just feel remarkably disconnected.

It's so bizarre.

Amused

I love how after about three weeks
Of dieting combined with cardio workouts
Gave me fewer results that resorting back
To the fantabulous workouts recommended
By Josh Hillis.

After a day,
I already see improvement.
Even though all the food today sort of killed it.

I like semi-buffet-style eating.
Lots of food laid out
And you can pick whatever you want.
The deli food is also delicious.

I sort of can't wait to go swimsuit shopping.
It's kind of exciting being semi-not-afraid to show off
What you have to the world.

Just like in my answer to the
"Why don't you jump in the pool
While you're mysteriously naked" dream question:
People need something gloriously imperfect
To marvel at.

A Year

A Year ago...
I was stupid.
I was broken.
I was naiive.
I flipped over my grades.

A Year later...
I'm a little smarter because of it.
I'm still somewhat broken.
I like to think I'm a little more sophisticated.
I don't give a shit about the number.

A Year ago...
I had My Best Friend.
I had Poofy Hair.
I had PBD.
I had Skinny.

A Year later...
I have Cave-boo.
I have Poofy Hair.
I have Papaya.
I have Just Fabulous.
I have Black&White Cookie.
I have Theater.
I have Jamaica.

A lot has changed in a Year.
But you still have the same old bad attitude.
Well, with a larger touch of asshole.
And a bigger heart.

Keeping My Mind Off Good Friday

Today I watch Penelope.
It is an incredible movie.
I'm not going to spoil anything.
But is so good.

I should probably do some homework too.
But I'm sort of hungry.
But I ate breakfast like 2 hours ago.
But...I should stop making excuses.

I'm going to go do my homework.
And call mein freund later.

Krod Mandoon

This show is probably
The best new comedy central thing
Since Dimitri Martin.

It is such a good show.
And it's really ridiculous.
Think Lord of the Rings crossed
With Knights of the Round Table
With a sprinkling of Black & White Cookie humor.

It's great.

Today

I'm not going to sit around
And bash the Jesuits.
They are good people.

But somethings annoy really
Conservative Catholics like me
Who think life was better when it was
Still really exciting to be Christian.

Today I was at reconciliation service.
And in the reflection, we had to put
Ourselves in the shoes of the people involved
Other than Jesus.

I didn't like that.
It seems a bit silly, considering
Words were put into the people's mouths.

Speaking of putting words in people's mouths,
Our physics teacher might not be coming back.

That means no physics class until the end of the year.
That's NOT GOOD.

How To Make Yourself Feel Inferior to Everyone You Know

Step 1: Take an SAT practice and go to an SAT course

Step 2: Freak out for days prior to the SAT

Step 3: Take the SAT

Step 4: Feel awful after that

Step 5: Get SAT Scores

Step 6: Check on every college admissions calculator

Step 7: Find out that even with early decision, you probably won't even remotely get in

Story of my life.
Moral: Not accepted ANYWHERE.
I'd prolly kill to be accepted somewhere...

School

There's drama every freaking week.
I can't really complain though.
I don't have to go to this "volunteering
At school" thing I have to go to once every
Six days in a cycle.

Today was calm.
I chilled with the Black&White Cookie
And sent Cave-boo a few texts
And repeated some funny jokes
Cave-boo said.

Theology class might kill my average this quarter
So I'm planning to change that.

And soon I'll be taking an AP Spanish
Placement test...

That will suck.

What's Your Favorite Color?

I hope he gets fired soon,
So that we won't have to deal
With that buffoon
In physics class.

When that happens I'll be
Relieved considering I'll learn
Something new and return to
Normality.

He asked us what our favorite colors were.
The kids had no response. We'd rather
Sit around and stare at beakers
Than deal with this shit everyday.

Speaking of science and chemistry
Why can't I be one of those kids
Who are always skinny?
It's rather annoying.

Considering I've spent like three blog
Entries bitching about my weight
Kind of like a watchdog
In the early AM, when people come
Who shouldn't be there.

I don't know what else to clarify.

That's when I ended up finishing
My Spanish essay about an hour early
About a girl in a movie
Who doesn't see the difference between
Reality and fantasy.

Tomorrow I take
The placement test
I hope I don't fail
And actually pass.

Kind of like in English class when
The Hobbit gives us quizzes
On obscure details no one
Cares about.

Academics have to die soon.
I never thought I'd say this,
But I want summer.

The Trouble With Buying Colors

I have made it a personal fashion goal
To stop buying so much black clothing.
Because pretty people wear colors.
And colors are fun.
Especially blue purple and green.

But the hard part:
Making it all look half-decent together.
Does purple go with turquoise?
I tried on my teal shorts today with this purple
Shirt I own and it sort of looked good together.

Wearing black and jeans all the time is easy.
You throw on a black shirt.
You throw on the same pair of jeans.
DONE.

But I think that taking care of myself
Is a positive action.
Don't you?

Pillow Fights and Emotional Brawls

Why is there so much on my mind?
It's starting to get really annoying
And is hindering me from having fun.

I'm hitting all new lows with demotivation.
I didn't realize I horrifically faux pas'ed today
Wearing denim on denim. I'm usually very attune to that stuff.

I feel bad for Cave-boo though.
My parents are strict, we live far from each other,
And he has a really broken girl.

I just hope I start feeling better eventually.
Well not eventually.
Sometime really soon.

My stomach is suffering and so are my grades (sort of).
So dear whoever is out there,
Relieve this throbbing toothache of the mind.

Things You Don't Say To People

When someone's trying really hard
To lose weight, the LAST thing
You tell is:
"You look the same as you did."

It just makes us people who can't complain
When/ if they weigh 118 pounds to work out harder
Eat less, and get more and more frustrated
With themselves.

I would love for just one summer:

To actually want to go to the beach
And not hate every second of it
Because I know I don't look good in swimwear.

To actually wear a pair short shorts without
Pairing them with a sweatshirt because of what
Tank tops do to my body when paired with short shorts.

To actually have people looking at me with
A good impression and not "Holy shit, what the fuck
Is she thinking?"

To actually be able to show some skin
Without worrying that I'm going to make
Someone have horrific images.

I love how when I'm depressed,
My body gets hit hardest with the bad feelings.
I just start getting antisocial because no one listens.

When I'm like "ugh I'm in a bad mood"
Somehow that usually gets translated
Into "hey let me vent to you."
And then I realize that whatever that person has
To vent about is worse than whatever is wrong
With me so I end up ignoring me until I get home.
And that's when it gets to the point when I'm upset
And have no clue why, so I try justifying it.

I'm guessing the really recent weight failure contributed,
The English class failure,
The distance I feel from everyone,
And the weird crap that's going on with my teachers.

No More Brooding

I think I'm going to turn the blog's focus
Away from how crappy I've been feeling.

But I am still feeling quite crappy. I mean,
I'm not eating enough.
I've made jokes about it.
But I'm not eating enough lately.

I don't even know what it is.
It could be the stressed, but I usually
Overeat because of stress.

But whatever.

There was a thunderstorm a few nights ago.
Those are the coolest things ever.
The lightning flashes from

One side of the sky

To the other

And back again.

The rain is usually really warm during one.
There's nothing like the feeling of
Warm summer rain on your skin.
Except when it wets you clothes.
That's a bit uncomfy.