Your Ass, My Curves

Taken from Hey there, beautiful.
We laid still.  I was in too much pain to be as affectionate towards you as you were to me.  But I appreciated every moment of it.

I like your arms around me.  As much as we tease each other and act like middle schoolers, I like hanging out with you and you being around me.  You make me laugh, I judge you, you judge me.  We laugh some more.

My favorite is that you offer to watch things that would make me laugh to cheer me up.  But honestly, you just being there, us lying still, offers more comfort than you'll ever know.  Even though I'm still in pain.

I'm still in pain.


I Has GERD (R.P.)

No post today.  When you have a broken esophageal sphincter, life isn't fun.  So I shall post tomorrow.  After I cry over my prelim.


Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 1 (M.R.)

Taken from http://catchadragon.tumblr.com/

This installment of the Harry Potter film series has been, by far, the best one.  Sure, it felt like an action movie, but honestly, the book was the most exciting part of it.  The movie left out enough of the camping trip that the audience could stay attentive and still get most of the story.

I was happy they caught a bunch of my favorite moments from the book, such as the epic night flight and Dobby's death and a bunch of funny lines I thought they had not included.   I almost cried when Dobby died, but I was still laughing hysterically from the scene when Ron opens up the Horcrux.

Of all the movies, they did the best job with cinematography and using CGI.  I really felt unsafe during most scenes, just as the characters would when they were on the run from...oh...everyone.  And the graphics they used for the Ministry of Magic cleansing of the muggles reminded me of movies that took place during the 1940's and similar totalitarian times.  I thought it was a nice touch.

I highly recommend this film to everyone who likes action movies and fantasy films.  And anyone who enjoys watching awkward make out scenes for the sheer hilarity of it.

Rating: 9/10


Black Friday

Taken from Black Friday - Store Window
Change the name.  Seriously.  The deals don't last all Friday.  Since when is 5 AM until 10 AM or until noon or until 2 PM a whole day?  The stores are open until late, am I right?  I like to shop in piece and not have to fight through crowds to get things I want.  For example, I am going for a simple exchange of one purse for another.  And get a pair of boots that I want.  And enjoy some Chipotle with a friend.  And not have to worry about crowds because, according to the sale deadlines, it's all over before the time I usually go out shopping.


Stuff I'm Thankful For

Taken from Holiday Table @ iStockPhoto
Happy Thanksgiving everyone who takes a gander at the blog!  And everyone who doesn't.  And everyone who doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving.  I actually enjoy writing this entry every year because it makes me take time to slow down and think about everything that is good in life and in my life right now even when stuff seems to be driving me to tears multiple times a week.  Here is a bulleted list of things that have been reminding of what is good in life.

  • Loyola: I am grateful that all four years of work, fun, and emotional trauma had led me to finally graduating.
  • Cornell: I am grateful that all four years of work, fun, and emotional trauma had led me to finally get accepted and allowed me the opportunity to meet awesome people and endure four more years of work, fun, and emotional trauma.
  • Friends in classes: Thank you for putting up with me when I don't get something and come to me for help because I am willing to offer it.  And for the fun times joking around on the balcony or in the back of the class
  • Friends with cars: Thank you for driving me places and all the conversations we have in those cars.
  • Upperclassmen engineering friends: Thank you for reminding me that I'm not doing as badly as I sincerely think I am.
  • Friends back home: Thank you for being there when I need you guys when the above people are totally unavailable.
  • Parents: They take care of me when my friends and friends aren't there.
  • Thumpty and Seal & Serpent: The boys at these fraternities are so nice and so fun and I've met some of my favorite people there.
  • Professors: Thank you for teaching me things and being understanding when I don't have as much time to devote to assignments as I want to.
  • Tutors:  Thank you for being available and responding to emails promptly so that I can thoroughly understand what will be on my finals.
  • Cornell Dining: Thank you for feeding me good food twice a day whenever I get really hungry or when I want to spend time with my friends in the dining hall.
  • Campus Life: Thank you for employing me.  Seriously.
  • Fresh air: Because you don't know what that is until you come back to the city and everything smells awful.
  • Bath tubs: Nothing is more relaxing.
  • Transportation: It beats walking incredible distances by a ton.
  • Coffee, sugar, and protein:  Keeps me up at night and keeps me going until morning so I can get my work done.
  • Music: If the above doesn't work on its own, this serves as an adequate substitute.
What are some things you are grateful for?


Going Back

Taken from Hey there, beautiful
I'll be back tomorrow.  After class, after another late night, after work, I'll be back.  As weird as it's going to feel sitting back at home without the constant noise of talkative, social collegiate kids.  And it's still going to be weird because nothing much has changed.  I mean, besides me working harder than ever and being more tired, I'm still just as frustrated, just as sarcastic, and maybe I've gotten a bit crazier but I'm still essentially the same.  Oh and there's a bit more to love because of all the late night snacking so that my stomach doesn't serve as a distraction.  The break should be nice.  If I can make it to it.


Two Days of Class

Taken from p.heartache
It's nice to have friends.  Like, really nice.  So nice, nice is an utter understatement. They're the only thing getting me through the emotionally bizarre past 13.5 months and hardest semester of school ever.  Half of days, I'm totally overwhelmed and just need someone in my room with me so that I don't cry as much as I do.  Nah, I don't cry that much.  Unless I laugh, I do most of my crying during that.  And then I feel like I'm getting a 6-pack.  And then eat a brownie to give myself super-endorphins.  Because, otherwise, a girl goes insane, you know?  Need to relieve the stress.  Somehow.  By doing more work.  I need to jump on computer science.  And chem.  But I feel like I can do it!  I CAN DO IT!


Sunday November 21st (N.a.P.)

I honestly have no time today to think of a decently clever poem about my life and weekend, so you get this instead.  Here is a look into my mind when I do too much and somehow don't get enough done.  Like, waking up before 10 AM on weekend days because I have work and stupid crap like that.  So here is a to-do list of things I need to accomplish or else I am totally fucked this week.

  • If I Get a Ride to Walmart
    • brunch at RPCC at 10:30 AM
    • get in car, go to Walmart
    • come back, do some math homework
    • go to Duffield for tutoring at 1 PM
    • work on chem and computer science all day long
  • If I Don't a Ride to Walmart
    • brunch at RPCC at 10 AM
    • wait hour for bus
    • sit in bus for an hour
    • get on bus to get back which takes an hour and a half including wait time
    • go straight to Duffield, meaning lugging my math textbook to Walmart
    • do work and grumble about buses all day long
I hate how far everything mostly useful in this town is from campus.  I have work to do!  Oh well, who sleeps anymore anyway?


Not Another Post About Dancing

Taken from all sexxed up and no place to go
Last night I danced,
I laughed,
I kissed,
And it was fun.

He isn't mad
At me because
I get mega-dumb
And kissy
And affectionate

But I met a ton
Of new people.

And I got introduced
As a "cool freshman."

But I still
Shouldn't've kissed him.
At least he's someone
I trust, you know?
Not a stranger.

And at least whenever
Someone asks me if I'm his
Girlfriend, we can both
Say no.
Because that's the truth.
I'm not.
I'm just a (good) friend
Of his.

Last night as a whole was
Much better than staying in
And "doing work"
When I really wasn't
In the mood for much of anything.


South Park in the A.M.

Taken from p.heartache
Replace "South Park"
With "work" or
"Tears combine
with work."

Keep the A.M. bit.

Replace the friend
With a textbook,
Or notebook,
Or both or,
With a computer program
And a ton of tears.

Replace sleep with work.
Replace work with study.

Take the final.
Get results.
Hope they're good.


They're good.



Taken from Thoughts inside my head
I remember reading an article once where it said that making face time when you're feeling down can actually lift your mood.  What if you feel too down or awkward to actually reach out and see someone?  Maybe that's why I'm feeling like I'm having such a bad day.  I haven't really seen anyone else.  I've tried to but people are busy.  I might go on another talking expedition.  I'll bring a laptop.  Or ask to do work together.  I realized that I hate being in my room on my own.


I Can Has Good Day?

Taken from Thought inside my head
Can I have a day sometime that is genuinely good?

When I can wake up with a certain vitality and not just want to get to my last class and think "now what?".

When getting out of bed is something to do and not to dread?

I guess I'm being a little dramatic.  But I'm a little bit completely overwhelmed.  And I don't want to feel like the only thing I do all day is study.  There's more to life than that.  There is so much more.



Taken from A blog full of nothing
I was supposed to talk to him today.  About why we had to stop.  But as the minutes went on and on and the later he got, slowly my mind decided that it didn't care.  And really didn't want to continue.  I need to do more good in my life.  More good in my classes.  More good in my social circles.  I did do good in that.  I got work done with a friend.  And spent time with a friend without really wanting to make out with him.  I'm getting better.  I hope.  I just want the good times to roll in.  And as in "Sam's Town", "I know that I can make it/ as long as somebody takes me home/ every now and then."  Eating burritos, drinking coffee, was so worth skipping chem class for.  I got the notes from someone anyway.


Pajama Rave: The Aftermath

Taken from Stephy Kim Loves You
I can't feel my hips.  I haven't danced that hard for that long in so long.  I still actually feel the beats and the rhythm pulsing in my head.  And I am totally alert.  This is bad.  I want to sleep, but I cannot sleep because I can't bring myself to sleep.  Maybe I'll go lie down for a while.  And hopefully sleep comes to join me in my bed?  Because Lord knows that I could use some company right about now.


Pajama Rave! (B.O.A.)

So tonight I am going to my friend's frat's pajama rave and I am a little too excited.  I mean, it's pajamas and raving, what more can I ask for?  It's the great idea I never came up with.  I told MSCBFF about it and he said that it "sounds like an ABC party" where ABC apparently means "anything but clothes."  Yeah basically.  Which is why I'm wearing underwear from aerie, hat from Diesel, tank top from Victoria's Secret, boots from Steve Madden, wrist warmers from Urban Outfitters, and thigh highs from American Apparel.  And I will accompany this party with a Red Bull.  But I have to do work before that.

11/13/10 by jladz65 


Mama Theresa

Taken from Hey there, beautiful.
I sat there until 1:30 AM with my friends last night, just talking, getting to know each other, laughing over dumb stuff.  It reminded me of the summer and the spring, when I'd just chill in random pizza shops with people after a night of wildness.  But there was no wildness.  Just prelims.  Which are wild.


End of October, Early November

Taken from p.heartache
For the passed few years, in the last weeks of October and early November, I have found myself upset for legitimate reasons.  Sophomore year, it was because of the events I never talk about.  Junior year, it was because of a break up.  Senior year, it was because of a break up.  Freshman year of college, I have no break up.  I have no grades to make up for anything.  And I don't want to be complacent.  I am fighting apathetic complacency.  But I feel so demotivated to try.  Because the harder I try, the more the nonsuccess hurts.  And I just want to be a neutral.  I am looking forward to the weekend.  But I'd be in general more chipper if I could just not have to feel like I'm at the bottom when I'm not.  They say you're your own worst critic.  I am the worst critic.  But not others.  Just to myself.  Because I can take it.  I can take most people's criticisms.  Because I usually give them in a harsher tone.  One that is relentless.  One that is unforgiving.  Usually ending in the words "asshole" or "douchebag."  Because I can do better.  I can always do better.


Epic Sigh

Taken from Garfield minus Garfield
There was no better strip to describe how I feel.  You have to jump into things and use blind determination and perseverance to get through stupidity that comes your way.  But you know stupidity still comes, so you respond with an epic sigh.  The one that starts with a deep breath, you hold it for a few seconds, and then you let it go but somehow you don't feel any better and your head is still as much of a jumble as it was before you did it.  Just got to keep trudging.  The fact that it is pitch-black at 5:30 does not make me feel any better.


This Weekend

Taken from Pour yourself into me.
I cannot wait for this weekend.  I am going to have so much fun independent of all the stupidity going on right now.  But that means I have to work harder during the days this week.  So that I can properly be energized and rejuvenated and rewarded.  And to feel like there is light at the end of the week of hell of sickness and too much work.  So Saturday, I think I'll go out dancing with my friends.  It will be the best.  And we shall be in pajamas.  And all will be right in the world for a few hours.  The dancing, the pantslessness, the worklessness, the meeting of new people, the hanging out, the being with friends...there won't be anything else like it this week.  And that is what I want.  A break from the stress.



Taken from Thoughts inside my head
I had a really good blog entry in my head.  But then I lost it.  Because I realized that it would be all the same shit on repeat.  Even when I want something to come around and shake my world up a bit, it goes back to the same theme of "if it's only tonight, that's cool" or general disappointment.  And the worst part of it is, I'm getting really complacent.  Nothing phases me anymore.  I guess you can say I'm a bit jaded.  Or desensitized.  Pick an adjective like that.  But then there are those moments when the bit of me that actually still cares a lot and sees a lot wrong with the state I'm at comes out and by GOD, she is immature, annoying, and thinks stuff just magically works out when certain cards are in place.  And the reality is...stuff is random.  You can be the nicest person on Earth and bad shit can still happen.  You can be a mean-spirited asshole and really good stuff can happen.  You wake up one morning and the day just falls into place.  You wake up the next day and every hour feels like a hapless misadventure.  And some stuff lasts a night.  I thought the sickness I felt on Wednesday was just for Wednesday.  It's Sunday.  I thought the loneliness I felt back in October 2009 was just for that month.  It's November 2010.  I thought the stomach problems I had during the college admissions process would last for just that.  I'm in college.  Nothing really changes.  Even with force.


Staying In

Taken from p.heartache
I wonder who else is where I am.  That place between want and should.  You want to go out but you should not for fear you'll just make yourself more sick and then give yourself more stress for the two prelims you have this week.  I wonder who else is here.  I want my guitar right now.  Or a stuffed animal.  Just something to hold right now.  And it's because I hate being sick by myself.  Back home, I'd have my parents.  They'd bring me stuff.  Sure, they're coming tomorrow.  But I'm 18 and in college.  I should have...not my parents taking care of me.  If that makes sense...I don't know.  I just want to be better.  So I can go back to my bubbly, sarcastic, adorable self.  And the studious self.  Well, maybe more willing to be studious self.


Religious Identity Crisis

I sometimes wonder if it it'd be easier to just not believe.  In anything.  That we're just, as my friend had put it, "on a rock floating around in space."  That nothing happens we die.  That people are just nice to others to maintain some sense of order than to achieve some reward after they die.  That people don't just be nice to others for fear that something bad will happen.  That we just mediate to calm nerves and not achieve some higher religious truth.  That we don't have souls or anything like that.  So that when we do something awful or even just selfish, we have nothing to lose.
I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if I stopped believing.  Maybe I'd stop hoping to God for something good to come way and maybe I could just leave everything up to either force or chance.  But then I realized...
Being religious is such an inherent part of my life and who I am.  As apathetic as I try to be about the notion that what if one day, scientists or other proved that God doesn't exist and there's no actual spirituality anywhere, it would crush me.  Part of me would wonder what was the point of it all.  To try to find meaning in life.  And how such complex biological life processes could happen by accident, with no type of intervention.  So I'm just going to keep believing.  Dropping it for a second is easy.  Maintaining it would be much tougher work.



Taken from A blog full of nothing
My head started spinning.  It was wheeling.  It spun so hard, I thought my body was going to go with it.  Remember that scene in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake where the girl got tossed around from corner to corner throughout her room in her sleep.  That's how my head felt.  I thought my bed was going to throw me out.  And then I woke up this morning and felt like I just had gotten off a roller coaster.  Except a mental one.  I've never been on one so I could only imagine.  But I've never felt so sick for so long.  I need answers.  I need affirmation.  But tonight...I just want sleep.  And I want to be hugged in the morning.  Or throughout the day.  Either way, I just want to be and feel okay.



Taken from live.love.reblog.
This morning, I woke up and felt the surge of stress culminating in a form of sickness I have not felt in a few years.  Imagine hypothermia, the flu, and a cold all in one.  I could not see, could not think, and all I thought about was how much I wanted to sleep in math class.  Silly course selection.  I'm not even sure what to do about it.  I have to check with advising.  But I don't want to have that conversation with anyone.  I want to be okay.  I want everything to be okay.  And for me to be not sick.


Closer to Average, Further From Success

Taken from iheart-myself
Another prelim, another chance for disappointment, another need to reevaluate everything, because, as seems to be the theme of my existence, nothing makes sense.  But I feel as though I did a whole lot of right for this one: I worked through practice prelims, the homework, memorized everything.  It is the prelim that did a lot of wrong for me.  But for some, it did a neutral.  I would love to be in that group of people.  But I am scared of what I would have to give up to be there.  I want to meet someone who got a neutral, or even a good, and not even by accident.  What did they do to prepare?
                         Hours spent alongside a desk and a book.
                         Minutes upon minutes spent at office hours.
                         Cells spent eating up information.
                        Time wasted understanding that
                        Which we didn't discuss.
I should strive to be more like that.  I wonder if they're the same people who put personal relationships above most other things in life.  In my case, a friend being angry or distant at me is more cause for concern than a few bad grades that could make me have to take summer courses.  But either way, I just want something to work out.  Actually, not just something, a whole lot of things. 



Taken from And it's love
I'm supposed to be calm right now.  I'm the total opposite.  I really wish everything would be as the picture above states.  That if I just stop being afraid, everything is going to be ok.  What if it isn't?  I know my fears are totally grounded this time around and I just don't want to think about them.  But every time I do, I just get more and more scared.  It's something going through me and I don't like it.  No one should like it.  I hope no one likes it. Well, I'll just find out tomorrow.  And hopefully a nice warm cup of coffee can speed up the freak out so I can get to my "I don't give a crap" place.  I like that idea.  A lot.

NaNoWriMo Brainstorm (G.W.D.Y.M.M.S.L.)

Definitely wondering why this thing is still entitled "God Why Did You Make Me So Lame."  It's my second time doing National Novel Writing Month and boy, is it going to be insane this year.  Honestly, I'm in engineering school.  I have a butt-ton of work.  But I can sit down and thoroughly write 1666 words a day until November 30th.  I have no idea what the "book" is going to be about, but I think if I start off by writing about the lame stupidity of this year and building off that, I think I'll be okay.  I've got a title so far.  It's called

Dear Apathy: The Story of a Girl, Statistics, and a Whole Lot of Random Crap

Wish me luck!