Turning Over a Leaf (N.a.P.)

Last night, I cried genuinely for the first time at Cornell. That other time I cried, just tears went down but it wasn't cathartic at all.  Last night, I cried so hard so much hurt.  And honestly, it was awesome.  It's the first time I genuinely gave a shit about something other than...I cannot finish that statement.  Not because the thing at the end of it is scandalous or stupid like "getting laid" but because there isn't anything there.  There hasn't been much since October of last year.  I've made some of the best friendships ever, but I don't really look too far ahead to see where I'll wind up..

But last night, I just got taken back to the really really bad place I was in sophomore year.  Before I met MSCBFF.  I never talk about what went down in those months because honestly, it's all I remember.  I had to piece the rest of that time together through essays and notebooks I had in class.  It wasn't good.  I would say fun, but that is belittling how crappy it was.  I know me and the person involved have forgiven each other and whatever, but the fact that the situation ever came to pass is still there.  And that's about as much as I'll talk about it.

I know getting left behind last night was a total misunderstanding and miscommunication.  So I will use the phrase that I've been using for all the good encounters I have: "If it's only tonight, that's alright with me."  But this morning I realized that I cannot be that passive or complacent.  I have to look to the long term.  This time, I am not leaving in 4weeks.  I'm sticking around a bit.  I can stop surviving and working on the immediate.  I want to make lasting connections.  And you know what?  I will.  The risk-taker that hasn't been around for a while is back.  She's going back to the adrenaline of being unsure rather than just not doing anything to avoid that exhilarating fear.  And sure, it might hurt, but it'll be more awesome than not doing anything.

Happy Labor Day weekend people.

1 comment:

Anna said...

You're definitely not leaving from there in 4 weeks. Stay sane, feel better, and do what you want to do. Please. We want to see you alive and well when you come home. You're missed wayy too much.