Jesus Christ, That Was Candid

When I decided to transfer out of the College of Engineering, I thought it'd be a good means to reduce stress, give me something to be passionate about that I might be actually good at, and help raise my GPA to a level that I can comfortably talk about and show employers and graduate folk whenever they asked about it.

That transition has achieved one of those goals.  And it's the third.

But at the same time, I don't even know if trying to do things the normal way will be worth it.  Does taking 6 classes and 19 credits just to graduate on time guarantee me a career or even an entry into graduate school? At the same time, people take 6 classes and 19 credits independent of each other all the time and it doesn't seem like that big a deal.  I mean, I'm sure kids have gotten Dean's List with that kind of course load and it wasn't that amazing an accomplish considering it probably happens all the time.

And what terrifies me is that this ball of stress I'm under won't even matter in about 3 months once the semester's over and I see the results of all the "work" I've put in.  Why is work in quotes?  Because just because you have two papers, a presentation, a 600-word response to a discussion board, a quiz, a take-home exam, a take-home assignment, and taking time to let your beloved boyfriend know you love him because he's endured your random ass bullshit for five months isn't work that I'm putting into anything.  It's work given to me that needs to be reconstructed in the most complete way possible and you're hoping it's right.  You don't do it to show that you have abilities; no, you do it so it gets done.  And I feel horrible for also putting my relationship in that context, because honestly, it's the only thing I'm really sure of except for the fact that I'll get reminded of or assigned something to do for a class that will get graded and get thrown into the mess of numbers that is called a GPA that somehow describes your entire worth as a student.

And speaking of my relationship, I can barely handle being with myself 24/7 when I'm not even sure he can do it either.  He says he wants to; I have to.  And I think he might be getting exhausted of all the hurdles I put myself through because, you know, it might totally unnecessary.  But I've already just pummeled through so many, knocked them over, kind of got over the hurdles, it's getting exhausting.  And frustrating.  Why can't I pick up one leg, put it over, get my other leg on the other side and continue on like nothing was no big deal?  Why do I have to keep continuously picking myself up off the ground?  Why can't I just want things to go my way sometimes?  I feel like that's a treat only certain people deserve and it's a gift for every other person.

Why do I feel have to be so afraid of wanting things?  Because the several other times I've wanted things, I did all the right things and yet somehow, it still didn't have my name on it.  Of course, I would not pass up what transpired as a result of not having those things for any time machine, but I still can't help but wonder why it takes an army of time, mental strength, and energy to go rescue a kitten that is whatever thing (person, event, position) I desire.  It should be that me wanting something does not disqualify me from having it.  That seems to be the case,  more oft than not.

Just because, aside from the stress of having more work than I ever wanted, I have a pretty happy and stable life doesn't mean that I can't want more from myself and what I could give myself.  I'm just mostly worried I'm asking for it from the wrong guy because, you know, you don't go to a barista if you want to buy someone flowers.  Or some kind of analogy like that.

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