Bloc Part(ies) And Homework

Most incredible concert last night.
Never have jumpsuits looked so cool.
The crowd was relatively tame,
Nothing like what went on
At the other concert I went to.
I managed to snap some really good pics,
Considering that me and Poofy hair were
About...three rows away from the barricade.

Weight issue is turning into less of
An issue, except that bagel this
Morning might have been a really
Bad idea. I worked it off though.
I also had salad for lunch.
It was okay, but my legs are
Crazy-itchy from the dressing.
That was prolly the other bad food
Idea I had today.
Oh, and pop'ems.

But tomorrow will be fun.
More bad food decisions to be made.
But they are made for love.
Yay waffles, fried chicken, South Park,
Cave-boo, and my inability to sing.

Absense

I haven't been posting daily
Because I need to figure out my own head.
Okay, not my head,
My body.

I have hit such an
All-time high with how much I weigh
And an all-time low with how much
I don't like the way I look now.

But I am working at it.
I'm freaking eating a fruit-yoghurt-salad
Thing instead of my usual bagel or
English muffin or toast breakfast.

I'm not even done with
Half the bowl and I'm already full.
I'm sure I can save the rest as a snack.

I'm so glad Cave-boo and Jamaica
Are being so supportive.
At first Jamaica tried pulling the
"You're still hot anyway" card
But then I explained that it's an actual
Problem.
So now they're willing to help out.
And that makes me happy.

Because honestly,
"You're still hot anyway"
Never works.

Conclusion

I'm in love with Cave-boo.
I hope he reads my blog and smiles.

But anyhow.
I am hungry.
All the calories in root beer is keeping
Me away from "OMG GET THE FUCK AWAY"
State of hunger.

I'm starting this new sprint-jogging
Cardio workout thing
That I hope will be fun and work.
I feel so heavy right now.

Kiss Me, Kiss Me, (Kiss Me Again)

Sitting in a car for 8 hours,
Listening to a myriad of songs,
I had lots of time to dwell on things.

I didn't have reception have the time
And Cave-boo was off skiing,
And my phone is being stupid (4,5,6 don't work).

So me and being bored
Locks me up in my own head.
My own head is starting to hurt from thinking.

So where do I begin?

I listen to a fuckload of love songs.
Love songs about being in love.
Love songs about failed love.
Love songs about unrequited love.
Love songs about longing for love.

Makes me think of what love is.
Like what's the difference being loving someone
And being in love with someone.

I mean, I knows there like
"I want to fuck you like an animal" love,
And "You're my best friend" love,
And "We're related so we must love each other" love,
And "I genuinely want you to be happy and
Would sacrifice myself for that" love,
And then there's love.

I bet the "animal" love is what
Many people feel towards me.
"Related" love is what I feel towards my parents.
And, as cynical as I am,
"Friend" love is what I feel towards everyone.

So that gets me thinking:
What does Poofy-hair feel towards My Twin Brother?
What does Lithuania feel for My Best Friend?
What does Cave-boo feel for me?
What do I feel for Cave-boo?

I can't write about stuff I don't know,
But I'll write about what I do know:
What I feel towards Cave-boo.

He's incredible, seriously.
Like Sneekiss said, "The more you talk about him,
The more he's sounding like your dream boy."
And I mean...
GYAH I have too hard a time talking about
My feelings...the fuck?
But he treats me well and I feel like
I have a shit load to make up to him
Since I'm such an emotional basket case.
I mean, I've never had a guy
Who was willing to punch someone for hurting
Me in addition to getting my end of the story.
Like...wow I'm gushing.
But I feel something towards him
And I guess it's love...whatever that is.
I just want him to be happy and stuff.
And I care.
And he makes me happy as hell.

(I think about him more than other things...)

Sowww...

Today was fun.
I still have a lot of break to go.
I still have a lot of work to do.
I still am kind of hungry.
I still know that I should not be eating.

I like the color green,
It really looks good with my hair.
And it brings out my eyes.
And it's the color of St. Patty's Day.
I'm not remotely Irish,
But in New York,
Everyone is Irish on St. Pat's.

Unity is fun too.

Watchmen: A Movie Review

Based on the graphic novel that is apparently on Time magazine top 100 books of all time, Watchmen follows the adventure of outlawed masked vigilantes and a radioactive electric blue naked man named Doctor Manhattan. The plot is pretty much that one of them is killed, the extremely neurotic one goes on a rampage to find out who did it, Dr. Manhattan goes away to Mars, and this other dude is trying to start a Utopia. Having finished the novel two days before seeing it, I remembered a lot of key plot points and the movie seemed to stay faithful to the book. But it was glorious as a movie as well.

I never told my parents that it was rated R...if they had been there, they would have thought: "For good reason." I am usually not a squeamish person, but I had to close my eyes and flinch a little during some scenes. Some I tried prepping for, such as the scene with Rorschach's first criminal investigation, but that did not work. But I am sure there are PG-13 rated movies with the same amount of gore and violence. Therefore, the real reason why it was rated R: Doctor Manhattan's blue penis. Not the rampant sex between various characters and the easy hookers walking down the streets of 1985-Manhattan. It was that blue penis. If there's any way to make most people uncomfortable, just unleash the penis. In the words of Forrest Gump: "And that's all I have to say about that."

The music was phenomal too. I mean, it was so appropriate during some scenes, especially the opening sequence. During others...it was hysterically funny. For those of you who have seen the movie, remember "Hallelujah"? The best though, was the "Flight of the Valkyries" theme when Doctor Manhattan destroyed people and things while in Vietnam. It was so epic and so appropriate but for whatever reason really funny. Speaking of the radioactive electric blue naked man, I liked his voice. Reading the novel, I sort of imagined it as distant and sort of innocent but marred by something dark. Billy Cruddup had the best voice for it, hands down. Initially, it might seem a bit awkward, considering his character is massively ripped. It works though.

Overall, I really liked the movie and would recommend it to anyone. The novel is great too...so great, that I used it in my SAT essay.

Rating: 9/10

Fuck the SAT

Yesterday was fantabulous.
Any situation that gets me
Laughing to the point that
My head starts aching is
A good situation...

Well except for South Park.
And chilling with the Black
and White Cookie.
That can get really politically
Incorrect.

Anyhow,
The SAT wasn't fun.
I got nine hours of sleep that
Night and I was still tired
After the test. I took a nap.

And what woke me up
Was the fact that Cave-boo
Was coming soon and I realized
That I won't have time to wash
My hair so that it looks pretty
For today.

Because it's PBD's birthday luncheon
And I'm going to the movies with Cave-boo.
To see Watchmen: the great comic book
About radioactive naked blue men and sluts in
Yellow suits fighting a neurotic man who believes
In Utopia.

Today will be fun.
Especially the chili part after the
Movie. I've never made food with a guy,
But making food is fun with people
In general, so it should be fun.

Homeboys

Today a priest came to our school.
Well, priests come to our school
All the time, since we are a private
Catholic school on a quiet corner
In New York's Upper East Side.

He talked about the kids he works
With. Well, not really kids, but people
Who missed out on a real childhood.
He was really good. He perfectly mixed
Humor with seriousness with sadness.

Burying 165 kids? That's intense.
And he got emotional after every
Story he told about a dead kid.
And I felt really...I don't know
How to describe it. Foreign, I guess.

I don't know what it's like
To get super emotional over
People dying. I mean, this woman I knew
At Church died this year, so did the
Lady I fed at the nursing home, I have
No grandparents, one of my uncles
Died a few years ago. I only sort of wept
Over the lady at the nursing home.

I didn't really know any of
My relatives well. Like, I'm not
Too close with my relatives.
They're all in Poland or too
Busy to like get to know me.
Or they're too conservative and
I'm too crazy for a calm connection
To be made.

I also don't know what it's like
To get super-emotional for a reason.
I always crash randomly.
Or I have too much on my mind
And I don't realize it until the most
Random thing turns me into
A hysterical, crying mess.
I wish there were reasons.

I Fail At Mentioning Things

My mind is wheeling.
Kind of like a kaleidescope.
From SAT, to relationships,
To college, to tomorrow,
To Friday, to Saturday, to Sunday,
To Watchmen, to food,
To salt, to my mild-bipolar-disorder,
To...where else can my mind go?

Just another day in my mind.
Thoughts going by faster than I
Can remember them.

I just don't get why I'm
Randomly crashing.
My back is hurting.
I don't remember PMS starting
Three weeks before your
Next period.

Maybe it's just the stress of
Junior year and life
And..teenagehood.
It's been quite the ride.

I like to think
I'm a better version of
Myself.
But sometimes I wonder...

"Woo honey let’s go dancing"

I have no idea what to write about today.
Should I rant on the weird sense of
Misplacement I feel around half
The smart girls in my class
Who are basing their college decisions
Partially on their boyfriends?
Or how the Hobbit strangely likes me?
Or how funny I think Watchmen is (it's
A good story but some of the illustrations
Are amusing)?
I think I'll write about them all.

Act I: Boyfriends + College

So it was physics class.
Upstate Girl and BumbleBee were
Talking about colleges they'd want to
Go to and about their boyfriends.
Upstate Girl's boyfriend is going to college.
BumbleBee's boyfriend is in college.
They're worried that they're making
Their college decisions based on their
Boyfriends. They're bf's are at least
In decent schools or going to decent schools.
And they sort of looked at me as if I had
Some advice to offer as to what they should do.
I don't have any.
I could say "Break up if you aren't seeing each other."
But it's not really my place to say
Something like that. So I just kept the conversation
Focused on the academics of college.
I guess that was a smooth move.

Act II: The Hobbit + Me

For most of the year,
I thought she like hated me.
Royally hated me.
Like, "If I could, I would alter this
Kid's grades to make her barely pass" hate.
But I think she likes me.
Because we're pretty much polar opposites.
I'm pessimistically sarcastic
And the woman is just so positive.
And it's sort of interesting.
She seems to dislike the kids that are
Like her: the optimistic ones and the one that
Is always cheerful, yet brown-noses.
I don't know if I'm being too harsh or
Whatever, but deal with it.

Act III: Watchmen

It is a really good graphic novel.
Not that I've read many,
But it's really good from
What I've read
And I'd honestly rather be reading it now
Than the "Rime of the Mariner."
But some of the animation is just ridiculous.
Like the random melting faces,
And the naked blue man,
And the weird noises people make when
Reacting...
But it's really good.
So far all I gathered is:
"The comedian is dead."
Naked blue man can't stay as one person.
Silk Spectre got raped.
Rorschach beats the crap outta people.
And the Soviets are involved...

It's all good though.

Haven't Felt so Good In A Long While

Dear Cave-boo,

I totally changed your nickname.
Deal with it. =]

About last night...
That was amazing.
And not just physically.
I haven't felt that awesome
In so long,
Mostly because I'd feel so down
I'd ignore my magnesium intake
And that'd send me even further down.

But yesterday I felt awesome.
Because (I think) I'm special again
To someone
That I think is pretty cool and special.
And not just in a physical way.
You're just generally awesome.

Happy Purim (whatever that's about).

Xoxo,
JoJo

Things That Are the Equivalent of Sex

I figured I write a funny blog for once,
Not another poem laced with bitterness
And irateness and general anger.

I'm trying to focus on the good things in life.
Like root beer and sugar highs
And sugar comas.
The feeling you get when someone says
Something so indescribably special-making
That you're in a good mood all day.
Nutella with whipped cream on waffles
Sounds delicious.
The rush you get when one of your favorite
Songs from one of your favorite
Bands is featured in a really-good-looking movie.
The rush you get from a phone call from
Someone kinda awesome.

Those are the things keeping me sane
Right now.
Keep them coming!

Being Tired Isn't Fun

This tidbit might sound more like an acid trip
Than actually being tired.
But I swear I'm tired.

So last night,
I'm staying up until midnight
(Again)
Writing (another) essay.
No face time, barely any IMing.

In my frustration,
I started yelling at Elizabeth Bennet,
Lydia Bennet, the Sons of Liberty,
and the Red Coats.
Because I had a history and English essay to write.

Then I went to bed at midnight
And couldn't sleep until one.

I so did not want to wake up
This morning.
Because of the history and theology
Tests I had to take.

Then the rooms changed colors.
From grey to yellow to red
To blue...
It was scary.

Me being tired is not a good thing.

I Like Chili

My mind is frying
Due to all the tests I take,
All the essays I write,
And all the stress I'm under.
And because of the fact that
I'm getting zero face time
This weekend because I
have three tests on Monday.

Dearly beloved, I don't wish
This on any of you.
Even the beloved that I don't like.
I like all my beloved but
Some of them annoy from time to time.

Sitting around, trying to get the first
Page of a 4-page essay over with
Before my violin recital, I decided
To download a CD.

I bet you're waiting for something
Completely profound, like how
Procrastination puts my life on hold.
But that's not the case.

And yeah, there's nothing profound
About me downloading a CD.

And there's nothing profound about the title either.

I just like chili.

Potato Potato

Dear My Best Friend,

I take full liberty of the fact
That you don't read
My blog.

This is everything I'd tell you,
If only you had more time for me.

We talked today for a bit.
You talked all about yourself.
You didn't ask about how I was.
For all you know,
Could be depressed,
Cutting myself,
Wanting to die,
Puking up the contents of my stomach,
Snorting coke while smoking weed,
Etc.

Lucky for you, I'm not doing any of those things.
But what if I was? And I needed you?
You wouldn't be there.
Those emails I sent you?
You never responded.
You didn't ask how I was.
I doubt you'd care.

I mean, you've been through high school already.
What's it matter to you?
The silences tonight?
I was kinda waiting for you to ask
"So how've you been?"

But even if you did ask,
I prolly wouldn't say much.
There's no need.
I mean, you'd read and it'd be
Just so goddamn boring.
Because life is ACTUALLY GOOD
for once since we broke up.
And if you do read this,
I hope you know that.
And I made that happen
Without your help
Or you awareness.

Sincerely,
That dumb Polish bitch who still goes to Loyola

Sick Freaking Puppy (Donde Esta Mi Ego?)

PMS really sucks.
For the dudes who read this blog,
I'm really sorry that you have to read this.
But you can spare yourselves that by ignoring this
Entry and reading tomorrow's.

But it sucks.
My mood swings and I started crying
For no reason. Well there was a reason.

I'm really really concerned for everything
To be perfect between me and Caveman,
especially after the failure of October 25th.
And the pain I felt afterward.
I want everything to be perfect from my end.
And not in that "everything is all right" kind of perfect.
The kind of perfect that there is still a sense of
Security when things aren't going ideally.

I know that sounds like gibberish
And Caveman, if you read this, please
Please PLEASE don't feel pressured to live up
To any form of expectation.
As corny as this sounds,
I like you the way you are.
You don't need to be like anyone else.
I just want us to work out really well, you know?

Wow I am totally PMSing,
But that's what's going through my head.
And I love the people who have to deal with it
Very much. I also feel bad for them that they have to deal
With me like this.

Happy Monday!

Last night,
It was technically Monday,
I received happy news that there would be no school.

And that is very happy news for many reasons.
The main one being that I don't have to recite the
Speech I memorized for speech class for another week.

And also I get to hang out with Poofy Hair and
Shenaynay and maybe even Taniqua.
Maybe Caveman too but that's a lot of Caveman for one week.

But snow is fun.
And I made breakfast for myself this morning.
Cream cheese and jam and toast and juice is always good.

I weighed myself this morning too.
And I'm absolutely baffled because I'm pretty skinny
Yet weigh the same as I did when I was relatively fat.

I sort of want to see a doctor about it,
Because it's impossible that it's all boob and ass weight.
Although it totally could be.

But I have no ass anymore...

Foreshadowing?

I just realized how trippy my dreams are.
This one started off as Lord of the Rings...
Where teams of everyone I know are broken up
Into teams of nine: 4 people you like, 5 you don't.
So I was ringleader of my team.
Mine consisted of Poofy Hair, Caveman, Best Friend, Just Fabulous,
Principessa Bella Diva, Asshat, PBD's parents, and myself.
So we're in this huge ass hotel outside of Mordor,
Waiting go skiing.
If you don't recall correctly from Peter Jackson's movies,
Mordor is a firey, desert wasteland.
So the other teams are there is a huge
Lavish lobby where everyone is congregating.
Food gets put out for everyone to eat.
On the menu: buffalo chicken wings, jelly beans, cookies,
"Cheesecrack" (aka cheesecake), yellow rice, beans, chicken,
And more.
I'm digging in with my team and then the elevator announces
That someone else's team is going up to the top
Floor to ski.
On the top floor, is Sauron's firey eye.
So no skiing there.
As we are enjoying our meal of cheesecrack and chicken,
I look across the lobby and see penguin-looking people
Being hosed down after swimming in the
Radioactive ocean with the killer whales.
A whale fell outta the sky and destroyed Los
Angeles earlier that day after the sky turned a
Pea soup color with red streaks.
Then the elevator called for my team.
And it was one spacious elevator, sort of the size of my
Apartment building's first floor.
So we're standing there, watching the floor numbers
Get larger and larger and the temperature get hotter
And hotter. We were going to be burned to a crisp.

See, I'm one of those kids
That doesn't wake up BEFORE they die.
I had to watch myself burn to a crisp.
Then I woke up.

And found out that my favorite tavern burned to the ground during the night.

My Dream Last Night

So I wake up and my day starts off as usual.
I check my email, eat a fiber bar, do some makeup,
And then I'm lazy.
On my facebook, I get an event invite
To a super fancy party
From someone who I didn't think ever wanted to throw
A super fancy party.

So I'm thinking "YAY PARTY!"
But then, just like last night,
I'm sitting in my jeans and a bra deciding what to wear
The next day.
Nothing came up, so my mom asks me to go get her some milk
For the next day.

I throw on a coat and run to Gristedes
To buy some milk.
She never told me what type so I bought three types of milk.
And I also ran into my math teacher
Who asked me to do her a favor
And go get something from Guitar Center.

I didn't know what she wanted from Guitar Center,
But I ran over there anyway.
And wow was I surprised.
Guitars were on sale...for five bucks a Fender.
So I look at them all and buy one
For five bucks a Fender.

So then I sprint back to Gristedes,
And give my math teacher a Fender.
She was happy.
I then bought the milk my mom wanted.
She was happy too.

Then Poofy Hair calls me and invites me to her house.
I didn't know if I should go,
But it was a lazy day
So I went. I told her about the fancy party
And she wanted to go to
On this lazy day.

So we go get some makeup from Sephora,
Where we run into Caveman,
Who is buying himself a straightener.
We both tell him about the super fancy party.
He's hesitant but decides to go with us.
We buy the straightener and go to
The super fancy party.

At the super fancy party in Uptown Manhattan,
I take off my coat.
And all this time...

I was in a bra and jeans.

Then I woke up.

Yay Supplements

No more mood swings (hopefully).
Just some stress of SAT (unfortunately).
Seeing cute people every weekend,
every day (happily).
Listening to techno music (dance-ily).
Stop cheating on rock music (regretfully).

Rock Bottom Again

Like The Offspring,
"All in all it's not so bad."

It really isn't.
I had to support myself,
like a single mother in high school,
Through that really hard break-up
That, of course, no one seemed to agree with.

And once again.
I have to support myself through
A "complicationship" that no one seems to agree with.
Well since there's another person involved,
I guess there's mutual support.

But still.
I'm alone again.
Well, third-party observers with no interest in the matter support me.

And that's all I need.
Righ?

No Poem Today, Just a Random Survey

001. Real name → Joanna L******i
002. Nickname(s)- Jo, HoJo, JoJo, Laddy, Skank..idk what else.
003. Zodiac sign → Gemini
004. Male or female → Female
005. Elementary → OLP
006. Middle School → OLP
007. High School - Loyola
008. Hair color → Dark brown
009. Long or short → Medium
010. Loud or Quiet → Somewhere in the middle
011. Sweats or Jeans - Both
012. Phone or Camera - Both
013. Health freak → When I feel like I'm getting fat xD
014. Drink or Smoke? → Meh.
015. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yeah
016. Eat or Drink → Food tastes good.
017. Piercings → 2
018. Tattoos → Never

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane→ yes
020. Been in a relationship → yes
021. Been in a car accident → Yes
022. Been in a fist fight → Maybe...I don't remember

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing → 5
024. First best friend: Carlos in pre-school
025. First award → Prolly something for grades
026. First crush → *No comment*
028. First big vacation → Poland at like...4

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to → Kayleigh
030. Last person you texted → Paul
031. Last person you watched a movie with → Myself
032. Last food you ate→ Fiesta mix
033. Last movie you watched → Eastern Promises
034. Last song you listened to → Where Is the Line by Billy Talent
035. Last thing you bought → Some weird rice and chicken shit that tasted good
036. Last person you hugged → Mom

FAVES:
037. Food → Anything warm colored
038. Drinks → Water, ginger ale, and root beer
039. Clothing → Undies
040. Flower → Anything pretty
042. Color-> Anything but warm colors
043. Movies → Too many to name
044. Subjects → Science, math, music, and art

IN 2008..... I
045. [x] kissed someone
046. [x] celebrated Halloween
047. [x] had your heart broken
048. [x] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone
049. [x]someone questioned your sexual orientation
050. [] came out of the closet
051. [] gotten pregnant
052. [] had an abortion
053. [x] done something you've regretted
054. [x] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [x] met someone who changed your life (not necessarily in a good way)
058. [x] pretended to be sick
059. [x] left the country
060. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [] ran a mile
063. [x] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [x] got into an argument with your friends
065. [x] Hated someone
066. [] stayed single the whole year

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating -> Nothing
068. Drinking → Nothing
069. I'm about to → ...no idea
070. Listening to → Music
071. Plans for today → Homework, violin, working out, talking to people

072. Waiting for → No idea

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? → YES
074. Want to get married? → Yes
075. Careers in mind → Bio engineer

WHICH IS BETTER WITH A BOY/GIRL?
076. Lips or eyes → Eyes
077. Shorter or taller?→ Taller
078. Romantic or spontaneous → Both
079. Nice looks or personality → Both
080. Sensitive or loud → Sensitive
081. Hook-up or relationship → Relationship
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant → Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts → I lost my glasses at a concert and found them
084. Snuck out of your house → In Poland.
085. Held a gun/knife for self defense → No.
086. Killed somebody → No.
087. Broken someone's heart → Probably.
088. Been arrested → Nope.
089. Cried when someone died → Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself → Maybe
091. Miracles → Sometimes
092. Love at first sight → No.
093. Heaven → I wonder sometimes.
094. Santa Claus → Yeah
095. Sex on the first date → No.
096. Kiss on the first date → Depends.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → In the current state of my mood, I want to be alone.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? → If only my mom gave me my supplement back I'd be able to answer that rationally.
099. Do you believe in God → Yeah, but I wonder if He believes in me.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people→ 10? eh

Apathy and Anger

I don't know if it's my mood swings
Or if I'm legitimately angry at you,
But I'm going with the latter.

You know how we had that conversation
About you not snuffing out our relationship
And how your not purposefully ignoring me?

And remember that other conversation where you consider
Me one of your closest friends?
Just so I wouldn't grill you about being busy and collegiate?

If that's really the case, why don't reply to my emails?
Why don't you IM me from time to time?
Or drop me a line? Or text?

Is it because I'm just some stupid high school ex-girlfriend?
Am I asking too much? I'd like to think, as "one of your closest
Friends," I'm still part of your life somehow.

And that stupid ex comment, I know I am.
Because you're never going to read this.
And it honestly pains me to admit that to myself.

I don't talk about you at all anymore.
There's nothing to talk about except what happened
Four months before and earlier.

It's closing up on a year of "what could've been."
And I'm sure you don't care.
You know what? Neither do I. It's just in my head all the time.

My throat is closing up writing this
Because I don't know if I seriously hate you
Or if I'm just pissed because of mood swings.

You know I hate not caring and how stressed it makes me.
It's the hardest thing for me.
But you know what else?

I
Don't
Care.
Not in the slightest.

I don't even feel like updating you on
Things that are going on in my life.
There's no point.

By the I finished, you would've been like
"Oh g2g, *insert activity*" or just get up and leave.
But I'm the one getting up and leaving.

Talk to you...never?

Vanilla Hands

Waking up the morning...
A lot of my poems start off that way,
Don't they?

Anyway,
I woke up this morning,
With a weird tingly feeling in my fingers.

So I went to my bathroom,
And got my nice vanilla-scented hand soap,
And washed my hands.

I then sat down at my computer,
And inspired by one of the Actress's pics,
decided to look through my own middle school pics.

Honestly--
The amount of "emo" and "goth" that oozes out of them
And out of my past style
Is best left in those pictures.

I know I was too big to pull off the look,
But I thought I totally rocked it.
I could totally rock it now,
But what's the point?

Sure the hair is awesome.
But it takes more effort than I would
EVER want to commit to my appearance.

I believe in looking good.
Not looking like something that only looks good in pics.
So those pics are best left as pics.

And no, they won't be posted on facebook
Or MySpace (where they probably belong).

I don't look like that anymore.
The only way you can see them is if you come to my house.
And chill.

Guitar Stores Never Lose Their Charm

Neither do acoustic guitars.
Neither does singing.
Neither does wandering around doing nothing.

Well, not exactly doing nothing.
But in most rational minds it's considered nothing.
But in my mind, I think it was awesome.

I can't play guitar.
I can't sing.
But that's why there are awesome people
That can do everything I can't do.

And differences make life fun
And interesting, so I'm not complaining that
I can't do everything. So whatever.

Yay excitement.

My Luck, My Ego, and I

So today I went to speech class scared shitless.
Not fun.

Teacher forgot that I had to give a speech.
Fun.

Giving a performance with someone tomorrow.
Maybe fun?

Partner doesn't know his parts.
Not fun.

Seeing cute guy after the tournament.
Really fun.

Waking up at like 6 tomorrow.
Not fun.

Shortened school days all week next week.
Fun?

Lent starts next week too.
Not fun.

Not being able to eat meat every Friday for forty days not counting Sundays?
SUCKS!

Music That Might As Well Be Instrumental

Usually when people listen to music,
The lyrics make them sad.
When I sometimes listen to music,
The melody breaks my heart.
And, as for most people, when I listen to music,
The lyrics and melody break my heart.

But it's usually mostly the melodies.
Usually melodies that are perfect and
I can't find anything wrong with them.
The ones that can't get stuck in your head
Because they're so complex.
Yet so perfect.

Perfect is a pretty depressing word.

It Can Only Get Better

It's Wednesday and it's raining
and I am fucking pissed off.
It's Wednesday and it's pouring
and I am pretty freaking annoyed.
I hope you shit, shit, shit yourself
Because I'll never talk to you again.

There's a speech tournament and
once again I'm pissed off.
There's a speech tournament and
once again I'm pissed off.
I'd rather be making out
Hot, sick, nasty making out
Just so I don't have to do that again.

Hello, Pessimism

Okay, so this is probably the first entry in weeks that I haven't written in verse. But I need to find some way of channeling my pessimism.

Stuff on my mind right now:

• Saturday's speech competition
• Not hanging out until have the SAT
• Relationships
• Grades
• College

If you can find some negative, non-optimistic aspect of those things, you can guarantee that that's where my mind is right now. And it's not fun.

Like part of the reason I can give such good advice is that I can see the ridiculously pessimistic side of all things and figure "HEY! The bright side is the complete opposite." Yes, I know, it's such a shocker. But that bright never seems to resonate in my head ever. It's all "blah you won't get anything remotely good on the SAT" or "your 'friend' will ditch you Saturday" or "he totally has someone aside from you." Yeah, it's pretty bad.

As you might be thinking, I put all this shit online because, unless I ask someone to read it, no one does. Well, I know two people that check the blog regularly. But the poems put them in such like entry-lag that there's probably no point.

There's no point in checking my cell phone, email, or AIM either. I like talking to people, but the real question is "do people like talking to me?" I hope they do, but ugh.

My pessimism has no limits.

Depressing-ish Things

I'm really worried, because for whatever
Reason when things start going right I need
To reminisce about the things that did
Not work out, and that's a pretty big list.

I'm happy but I'm sad, this really odd
Contradiction's really bad, I can think
Another way, but I think the happy
Is here to stay.

Like that Green Day song, "I'm a walking
Contradiction and I ain't go no right."

So I told that boy the story of why
Me and this guy aren't friends at this time,
It ended up being long and I'm sure
I disclosed more than what's considered healthy.

I went to the nursing home and a lady died,
I didn't know much about her but I fed her
Everytime. She had Alzheimer's so she
Didn't remember much.

Like Flogging Molly, "I'm doing my best
Hell, I'm doing all I can."

I'm just a girl who wants to be loved
Not just by her friends, but by everyone,
So two weekends from now there'll be a get-
Together and we'll all have fun just like
Last time.

Green 17

So we listened to music, the red-
Head and I, standing in the middle
Of the crowd.

The first band was alright, the sec'nd was not,
But people danced and cheered before the main band
Came on.

In about two minutes it got mad crazy.

She got punched in the back, I lost my glasses.

Everyone thrashed and moshed around.

I protected her back so that she would not get hurt.
I'm sure I got another concussion.

The crazy college boys with their beer-filled
Brains started fighting like mad, drunk Irishmen.

Crowd control was a useless thing since we fell
Down all over. I got punched in the head
And my stomach really hurt, but the music
Was the greatest thing. My friend and I
Retreated to the left side, to get some air.
That weird drunk chick followed us over there,
But then she disappeared again.

For the band was fantastic, playing tunes,
Half of which I didn't know the words to,
Me and she danced along, like the rest of
The mob. And then we had a fun sleepover.

A Fail-entine's Poem (by Jess)

Jo threw a bash
So begins our tale.
The loss of love
Is our epic fail.
We start with Jo
Who drives the guests over hurdles.
She introduced South Park
And later humping turtles.
We have Eric, Kyle, Stan,
And Kenny too.
They sang songs and said fuck
And what would Brian Boitono do?
Paul was there
And he has great hair.
Jo gave Paul a pat.
She forced Paul to sit
As she played with it
And quickly changed all that.

(Much love to the Failentine's 2009 crew <3)

In My PJs on a Friday Morning

I woke up at eight o'clock this morning,
Thinking "fuck I gotta go to the home
Today." Another day with my best friend.
That girl with the red poofy hair who has
A boyfriend that stole my freaking birthday.

And here I am, watching Juno at 9 AM
Chatting with my fave alum in my PJs.

I've been prepping emotionally
I won't crash tomorrow randomly,
Because I hate when people see me cry.
And tomorrow is Fail-entine's once used
To make people feel all right, but that's not
The case at all with me.

So here I am watching AVP Requiem,
Thinking of how cool aliens can be.

Mmmyeah.

Hey you, I finally found a poem
To write for you. And I'm kinda scared what you'll
Think of it, being so public, you know?

Like you're really sweet and you're so corny.
But it's cute and refreshing and makes an
Ass like me smile a lot (like a girl.)

Um like seriously, you make me giggle.
And I don't admit that often (if at all.)
It's because I don't wanna get hurt, which...

Well, I think most people can relate to,
But I think that you're pretty freaking cool.
And I hope you don't mind that this
Sits here on my blog, waiting to be read.

Speech Fail

I've got confidence enough to laugh
All you people off and throwing care away.
I trip up stairs and say dumb crap to amuse
Myself and flirt to make everyone feel good.

In general, you're the only one that
Should ultimately matter in your life.

My confidence draws people like a magnet,
I can't seem to turn that charm button off.
But hopefully I'm charming the people I
I want to charm. I think I'm succeeding.

A song: "Sometimes I think the stupidest
Things." That's quite true. At least too often for me.

Parties of the Rich and "Famous"

I was invited to last night's party.
I was invited. Me and my ego.
My ego told me that I looked quite pretty.
My camera seemed to disagree.

My ego told me that my dress fit in.
The Waldorf-Astoria said otherwise.
The party hall was quite huge and lavish.
That party was worth more than my building.

In spite of my inferiority,
I had tons of fun with my new friend set.
That party will be hard to beat, the best so far.
Also the only so far. It had EVERYTHING.

Confetti rained down toward the end of it,
Male and female dancers were hired to
Get kids dancing on the sparkly dance floor.
Most people danced, some even hooked up.

Public hook ups like that aren't my
Thing since I've been a third wheel for a year.
But the dancing with people was muy fun.
I can't wait for the next party...even if it's
Not as lavish as the one last night.

Urban Trash

Can't find anywhere else to hook up and
Have no decency for privacy.
You get what you want when you want it and
You have to be sure not to burn the Great Lawn.

All you guys do is get higher and higher
Until you reach a ceiling and fall down.

Kids like us are rarely wrong, rarely caught.
Who knows what in hell, morals aren't chic.
The fewer clothes you wear, more popular
And the more influential you become.

Priorities, what the fuck are those?
You don't really need them cause you have drugs.

Writing poems in Spanish class rather
Than reading some cruddy short story about
Five little kids on the run from bullies
Who throw rocks and live in a refugee camp.

I'm bored out of my mind, writing random
Lines while thinking about really cute people.

I'm staring at my old Euro Hist. teacher,
Wondering if she's pregnant or not skinny.
She could be either at the same time, but I don't
Care. The woman never liked me anyway.

I Don't Know About You Guys

I could've taken that quiz today,
Because I studied, obviously not like you.
The extra day on the essay we all
Could've used, and that's where I agreed.

Am I stupid? Yeah, I think so.
I doubt you guys would agree with me.

Getting random texts in the middle of
The day from sick friends and other friends,
My text life is starting to come back, yay!
But being a lady still isn't fun.

Sitting, listening to techno music.
Is that stupid? Prolly 'cause work is hard.

The crowds overrule the individuals.
All the time. Yet, soloists make changes.
I'm no revolutionary, but you know what?
I think it'd be pretty freaking rad.

My Text Life Has Gotten Pretty Dull

My fingers used to get all the exercise they wanted.
My heart would leap every time I texted.
And now there's no excitement
When my phone's in my pocket.

Oh well, whatever, got to keep going.
Like a freaking energizer bunny.

Sitting in my dean's office,
Can't believe I had to address all her thank you notes.
If only I got thank you notes
For all the awesomeness I do.

Not that she does anything, but whatever.
Got to keep being the energizer bunny.

And now I have to write a modest proposal.
You know what's the best proposal?
Not writing it at all.
That would solve a LOT of issues.

Stop Getting Sick, For Cereal!

When you read this bit of blog poetry,
I hope you know that it's about you.
Theology class is really boring,
Just because you're not sitting next to me.

The English teacher spent the day away,
She might've taken a snow day.

I had double Curry today for English,
Teacher bitched us out in Spanish,
Only one who did a problem in calculus,
And watching a Christmas concert video.

The girl sitting next to me fell asleep in class,
I think she wanted to take a snow day.

Brainstorming a poem for someone
Is the hardest thing to do.
How not to sound corny,
How not to be too sincere.

Can I give it to you
After we hang out
So then perhaps there might be
Something really sweet and cute to write about?

I'm so happy it's not Wednesday
Because then I would really want a snow day.

Welcome to My Life

No this won't be another bad emo song,
One that was written in 2004
By a really bad Canadian band
Also known as Simple Plan.

So on my way home, from my high school,
I saw this pretty lady with
Pretty bitching shoes.
I wanted to ask her, where she got them,
But I didn't cause I thought it'd be rude.

Earlier last night, my best girl friend had
Fallen off a chair and almost broke her leg.
I felt sorry, so I visited her.
We laughed about stupid reality TV shows.

And before that, I was in English class,
My English teacher told me to shut up
Because I, for once, did my homework,
And therefore knew all of the answers.

So right now I'm sitting doing homework,
Studying for a test I prolly will not fail.
And my mind is zipping to a thousand places.
I'm starting to wonder if it will
Ever settle down.

Same Old Attitude Problem

You're lyrics are clever like another genius.
All the hate mail you get is a product
Of teen angst and corporate jealousy.
Keep pumping albums and I'll keep buying.

To be successful one needs to keep the same
Old attitude problem with new flair.

Monotony kills, go crazy, go wild.
Stand on a building, scream "fuck it" for people
Below to hear and to be inspired.
Do what you want and want what you do.

All it takes is an attitude problems.
Put on some makeup, take off some clothes.

Kiss your best friend, kiss a hobo,
Kiss a homo, kiss a toddler,
Kiss your worst enemy...on the cheek.
Kiss your parents, kiss a grandpa.
Kiss your cranky neighbor nicknamed Wanda.

All it take is your favorite old attitude
Problem with new clothes, new makeup and new flair.

"Hurry, Hurry; You've got my head in such a flurry,flurry"

Dear People Who Bother Reading This Crap,

I feel like I'm growing distant. Like, the line between PMS and pissed off is really starting to blur. And the list of people I tell everything to is growing shorter as well. Well, the one person I do is almost getting kicked off it because he is really busy being a college kid and it makes me sad. And I know it is really really easy to say "oh mah gawd, he's not your bf, let him be." Well, you tell me how easy it is to not talk to your favorite person everyday or really often.

Another dead weekend going by. Four hours killed by a practice test (though I actually think I did well on it). I am just hoping that nothing "exciting" happens because when something exciting does, it is usually not in my favor and just makes me stressed out.

My goal for the semester is to straighten my social life out because it gets more complicated than my mind can handle (yes, smart people can crack sometimes). It has sort of plateaued, I guess. It needs to plateau a little more.

Sincerely,
Me

Closure (My First Sonnet)

Standing on the railway platform,
I thought that day when you would leave
Would not arrive. We had prepped for the storm.
Little I knew that I was so naïve.
Those first three weeks were very hard.
There were no seconds when I stopped thinking
Of you. My friends helped me cover the scars,
But the next three months were really daunting.
Though I left you and you would still call me,
Wounds I ne’er touched would be reopened. I saw
Pictures online; I’d cry myself silly.
My friends would take me to a mental spa.
I met some people who think I’m cool
Without you, with them, I act like a fool.

(I know it sucks, but whatever. It's for school).

"You Can Feel My Lips Undress Your Eyes"

Dear Reader(s),

This is the...third day in a row I believe that I am posting a blog entry instead of doing homework. I have no idea if this is a horrifically bad habit or not, but I'm sure my random rants amuse you.

So...today's rant: effort. Is it JUST me, or are there some subjects where it seems like the less effort you put into it, the higher your grade is? Like my English class...I rush-studied for my latest essay test because I really wanted to watch Tool Academy. Then I take the test, and I get like an A+.

If only calc worked that way. I really like calc though. This semester, it's like a puzzle. I like puzzles...but cool ones, like sudoku that involve lots of numbers. Then again, after a quarter with calculus, you eventually forget how to count and add numbers, so sudoku and calc have nothing to do with each other.

Well it's coming that time (dinner), that I should really start getting work done.

Sincerely,
Joanna

What I Do Instead of Study For Tests I'll Most Likely Get An 80 On...

Dear Music fans and people who need to look through my iPod (CAVEMAN),

I downloaded two CD's today.
And am listening to them. So the background music to my calculus test will be something between "Katherine kiss me" and "today we will be demons." In other words, indie rock and death techno. Yes, I am amusing.

And in the meantime, I still have to write a theology mini-essay and study for this test. But I am stupid and have no priorities...I know, I'm so cool.

But start listening to Franz Ferdinand and Combichrist. They are SO GOOD! But not necessarily when shuffled together.

Xoxo,
Joanna

"Hra-tsa-tsa, ia ripi-dapi dilla"

Dear Reader(s),

I like folk music. It's so addictive. Like Ieva's polka. I really want to learn it in Finnish, even though I don't know where one word ends and another begins. It's kind of like German...not really because some people can hear and translate German really easily even without learning it. Like "ich habe ein buch." All you gotta know is that "ch" is pronounced like the "ch" in "loch" and you're good.

I really should be writing my AP US DBQ but pssssh to that. Although, it does count as part of my test...

Teaching is a hysterical profession. It'd be eternally amused if I was one.

Sincerely,
Me

"The House By My Deli"

Dear Frenchwoodites,

Parties are super duper fun. In general. The best ones are with really cool people and lots of music, sugary goodness, and love. Ice cream in winter? Crazy, yes. Delicious, yes. Stupid, no. We went from going to Uno's, then buying like really cheap pizza, then raving in my room. So much fun stuff.

I really really love you guys. Like, I don't even go to Frenchwoods, but you people are awesome! We really need to convene more often so we can have more fun, more parties, and maybe actually have a sit-down dinner that's not pizza. Even though it was delicious.

Heehee we should be total spring-breakers and party it up like every other day. But we'd prolly get sick of each other...but then we party some MORE! We should get a different flavor of ice cream everytime.

Sounds good?

Xoxo,
Joanna

You're SO FUNNY! (Not Really)

Dear Readers,

You know the phrase "adding insult to injury"? Well, it's been proving so true recently. It's been proving true since the break up. That was bad enough, but everything following hasn't made it any better.

I know I'm pretty. I know I'm smart. People tell me I'm the nicest person ever. Some others say I'm really annoying. But seems like nothing's been working out besides school. But school always worked out. It's not like it's so really "HOLY SHIT!" thing that school works out for me.

Today was half-fun, half-adding-insult-to-injury. Well party/ hangout got canceled because half the people didn't know which weekend the thing was taking place. So yeah. But making smores and playing sims and talking about randomness with my friend was fun. The taxi ride...wow I've never experienced anything that made me so angry, sad, grateful, annoyed, depressed, and frustrated all at the same time.

The driver, inadvertently, took me down the same path my best friend would take me when he still had his car and when we were still together.

Even though it was dark, I remembered every landmark: the turkish place, Esposito pork deli, Scott J hair salon, etc. I even saw the street where we shared our first kiss. I mean, sure I'm over him, but it was positively HORRIBLE to see those places again. I'm really happy I'm not video logging this cuz tears are streaming down my face.

I've never felt so alone in my whole life.

Sincerely,
Me

"Who said unbroken happiness
Is a bore, is a bore?
Who said it, my love?
I don't mind it anymore, anymore
And I reach out a hand over your side of the bed
Pull that blanket over your shoulders exposed to the night
And the hunger of those early years will never return
But I don't mind, I don't mind"
-Ion Square by Bloc Party

Wanderings Through the Land of Music

Dear Readers (If There Are Any),

Music is a wonderful thing.
It's really nice to have songs for everything. I've got American Idiot for practically everything. My vast collection of techno music for homework or going to school. I have way too much techno music. Over half my iPod is techno. Well not half, but it's guaranteed on shuffle that techno will pop up.

I've also discovered a new appreciation to old music. I still don't like 80's rock, but anything from the 70's is pretty cool. Like Plastic Bertrand. AC/DC sounds good too. I'm jumping a bit late on this whole like oldies hard rock scene, but I really don't care. I'm having fun. All the new stuff that comes out almost all sounds the same. I don't mean new CD's from old bands. I mean new bands. I am so skeptical of the "myspace band." Half of them are the same long-haired guys screaming about nothing...or maybe there is some message and I just don't understand it. Some really do stick out, but not a lot.

Right now, I'm listening to Andrew W.K. I'm slowing falling out of my techno phase and need cool stuff to listen to. Got suggestions?

Hugs,
Me

The Beat (Some Stuff I Feel Like Sharing So As Not to Give Mixed Signals)

• Thesis: I want a relationship.

• Specifics: Not open, not "HOLY GOD I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!" Something cool, fun, and not so serious.

• Why? Open relationships are weird to me, I don't feel like being a whore and doing everyone, so I'm just flirting and seeing what'll happen.

• Plan: Flirt with people, find someone totally awesome that I can see myself being silly with, friends with, romantic with, and fun with.

• What I want: Someone who can and can't live without me and vice versa. A person that'll give me chocolate or whatever just because it's today. A person I can bitch to and they can bitch to me. Tons of trust would be sweet too. Just something cute and friendly and something everyone feels special in.

• What I Don't Want: No love stuff until later...like really later. I don't wanna hurt anyone and I don't wanna get hurt just because of junior year and a lack of time. I want happiness, but not something that can lead to a lot of pain...not yet, at least. Oh yeah, no cheating.
  

Just getting that out there. Me and K talked today and I started feeling like either I was investing myself too much with someone or I was leading them on. I wonder if they'll read this.

At first, it was really easy to say "no dating until college." I think what I meant was no super-serious heavy relationships until then. I'd like to retain some sanity. And I don't wanna drive anyone else crazy either. I really just wanna feel special. I want the tingly butterfly feeling in the stomach at the mention of a person's name again. And kissing the same person over and over again is fun. I don't really get a kick out of kissing multiple people. Cheek kisses? Sure. Constant make outs with multiple people? SLOW down. I'm a really relationship-y person. Some people say it's bad, others think it's cute. I care about people way too much. Seriously. You have a problem, I will prolly feel bad even if I half-hate you (I can't really hate people...that's a "problem").

I love how I have something to rant about every week...OH BY THE WAY!

I might try a video-log (no vlog bullshit) next entry. I hope it works >.<

Short Entry Due to Midterms, Speech, and SAT Prep

I realized that:

Girls learn a lot from the people that don't return their calls/texts, the assholes that cheat, and the douches that flake on their own dates. But, they learn even more from the people they love that don't love them back or fail to care whatsoever.

Time Goes Totally Askew When You Can't Sleep

So last night, for whatever reason, I could not sleep. I tried lying down in at least ten different poses and none of them worked. My heart was POUNDING whenever I tried to finally fall asleep. It was odd.

Sleep amuses me. When you get enough, you seem groggier the next day. When you don't get enough, you seem hyper and more energetic. Does that happen to anyone? It happens to almost everyone I know.

It's a new year and I'm starting to slightly revert to some of the bad attitudes I've had earlier. And it's bad. And I'm starting to go back to the worst one: the body image problems. I watch What Not to Wear, and they help people that in most eyes would be seen as less-than beautiful more gorgeous than the stereotypical beauties. And then there's a fitness ad that demolishes all that. Perfect abs, created by a medicine ball? Sure, it sounds totally absurd, and I tell myself that. I know first hand that solid exercise without diet adjustment doesn't work. But there's that little nagging feeling of how much I really want that. And at the same time, I know that I don't have anymore weight to lose. Well, I do (holy God, I need to stop thinking that) but I look fine. I'm pretty sure most of my weight is in muscle and boobs.

And another bad attitude: I won't find someone to love. I'm ready to date, but not so much ready for anything super-serious. Nothing like what me and my best friend had, not yet at least. I want something fun. Something that makes both people feel special, but still fun. And people have been saying "love you" and "ily" and I'm pretty sure it's in the friendship way, because I know that when I say it, it is in the friendship way. And I don't say it to everyone.

So now, I'm going to go exercise my grogginess off.

Happy New Year =]

After many hours of brainstorming, here are my resolutions =]

1) Workout at least 15 minutes a day

2) Be a friend to everyone

3) Get into college

4) Survive junior year

5) See my best friend

6) Wear less makeup and more often

2008: Ups Downs and All-Arounds

Well, it's the time of year where I think about the year and everything that went on: the good, the bad, and the ongoing.

This little narrative starts January. I came into the New Year 2008 a taken girl: had a pretty cute boyfriend and we had our little puppy love thing going on. I met up New Year's Day with my best friends at the time ("at the time" will be explained later). Whatever you do New Year's, you do the rest of the year, right? Well that proved true for them. They still met up and flirted and stuff. It was cute. Midterms went reasonably well...I got all 90's as was expected and the year started on a pretty good note. Especially since I was sitting in art history one day, and then I saw her: puffy-hair, total-bad ass-seeming attitude. And she was seated next to me. Because of all the drama of the previous months, I was sort of desperate to make new friends. And there she was. her sister went to our school and figured we'd be best friends because I "have an MCR scarf." We clicked instantly and we immediately were discussing all the shit going on in our lives. It was great. No drama...or so I thought.

Moving on to February. My boyfriend was, to say the least, being a douche. He ignored my calls, he stopped messaging me on face book, and we didn't see each other in over three weeks. Worst part: Valentine's day was coming up. I felt like crapper that day. My male friend gave my female friend like...20 dollars worth of Valentine's Day chocolate. I got tiny orange rosettes the next day and I only saw him for like 20 minutes. I sorta wanted a full-blown date, but whatever. At least the thought counted. Then I went to my first indoor rock concert with my best female friend. I sort of wanted to take the puffy haired girl, but she got grounded. The concert was awesome: Chiodos, Coheed&Cambria and Linkin Park performed. I never heard of Chiodos, but they were great and now they're one of my fave bands. We almost met the band, but we were too late to get on the line. But we got some sweet pictures.

In March, I went to Danielle's sweet 16. I cannot believe I let my epic fail boyfriend at the time ruin it for me. I spent most of it angry at him, but overall, it was fun. That was ridiculous though. I almost had to force him to slow dance with me...yeah, not fun. We broke up a week later. That really sucked because I thought I'd be the one breaking it off, but he tried delaying it until we met up in person. That really wasn't fun. So I became an epic fail and decided to give up on the whole relationship thing for a while. When I went on the Greece trip, I didn't expect anything besides ridiculous things happening like college riots and getting spit on by local animals. The trip started off with me falling down a flight of stairs. Much to my surprise, I made two new friends. One was a pre-freshman and the other a senior. Turns out, I started to really like him because he was one of those people you could trust. Drama occurred, there was a riot, and every day on the cruise, me and my girlfriends would go clubbing. Surprisingly, I got attention from guys. It was no surprise that the school thought were going out upon our return.

Cue April. Mom was bawling once again that the pope died, my school life back to where it was. I talked to the guy and we were flirting a lot. He was really sweet: he tutored me in math, offered to drive me home in his black ford mustang convertible. We ended up going out a week later. My parents really didn't like him...just because he was 18. But he was so good to me and he made me so happy that if I could, it'd be silent rave day everyday. The Pope also visitted the United States in April and I got a chance to see him. Though the day was grueling with 8 hours in the hot sun without food and with plenty of water, it was totally worth it. There was also sophomore retreat which was way cute. We talked about families and friends and stuff like that. I also went to my first Bat Mitzvah. It was fun, even though I only knew like 3 people there. It was an interesting day considering I knocked off two religions in one weekend.

Then came May. The most exciting month ever. I went to three concerts: Bamboozle, My Chemical Romance at the Garden, and Loyola's spring concert. Bamboozle was fun. I spent of my time with my boyfriend and two best friends at the time. My two best friends avoided the mosh pits but me and my boyfriend had an awesome time getting attacked by flying beer bottles and crowd-surfers. I also took my first AP test, which I cried after...then went to a concert. Me and my friend got considerably better seats than at the first concert we went to. My Chemical Romance is so cute on stage and Taking Back Sunday were amazing too. Great way to brush off the blahness that was an AP test. At the spring concert, I met my boyfriend's mom. She's pretty nice though she intimidated me at first. Then came finals week. I was really nervous, but I studied a lot, so it didn't go as badly as I thought it would. I really wish I was able to go to prom. My mom didn't let me because of finals week and all the shenanigans that go on during prom. At least I got to go to my boyfriend's graduation. It was one of our most romantic dates ever. I don't even understand what so romantic about it, but it was.

And then it was June and my birthday. I went to my first Yankee game the night before. That was really fun because I got to spend about four or five hours with my boyfriend. The next day, I went with him and my two friends to have lunch. I spent most of the day with him. I also went on college tour. There have been blogs posted about that, so read them for yourselves because I am not rewriting all that. It was fun. And then came my sweet sixteen. It was the greatest party ever. It took place at a nightclub and I wore a pretty gold dress. As tradition states, I made dedications to people I care about and who matter. The party ended with the police coming, not because of the people there, but because of the nightclub. It was funny.

In July I went to tennis camp. I felt so out of place because I was one of the oldest people there and quite frankly, too out of shape to dress in short clothes. But spending tons of time with my boyfriend and friends brought my self-esteem up. It was a bit of sad period too. I was packing for my trip while he wasn't even packing for college yet. We had become so close so late, I would have almost depressive fits about him going away. But on our last day together, he assured me that he'd always care. I promised him that too.

August was eventful. I went on my first trip to the west coast. First few days, we camped out. That was horrible and fun at the same time...(I just realized how masochistic that sounds). On the trip, it was me and about twenty Jewish kids I never met before. They were nice, for the most part. I made two friends on that trip. We had fun times unclogging toilets, freezing to death, drying clothes, riding roller coasters for the first time, not gambling in Vegas, sleeping in a college dorm....and more. It was fun, but when I got back, the break down started. I only texted my boyfriend and my friend since kindergarten for the whole trip. My so-called best friends only texted me when they had drama and not so much to just say hi. It was bad. So I nixed the term "best friend" and "friend." For me, now, friend is someone who bitches to you and is willing to listen to your bitching too.

September I went back to school. There were a whole slew of new kids and hearing the phrase "junior year is really important" to the point of puking. Sure, I knew it would be hard, but I needed to see for myself. The classes I took were definitely harder. AP United States History and AP Calculus AB...tough crap, I'll tell you. There were new teachers too, like the Christian Service guy. He brought drama to all and people gave him drama too. So disorganized. English class was its own thing that made a lot of people frustrated.

October was not fun at all. Okay, "at all" is a bit extreme. It was good...until the end. I went to a close friend of mine's sweet 16 where I reconnected with another close friend of mine. It was super fun and the sweet 16 looked gorgeous. Field Day was amazing and there is a whole blog on that too. It's interesting how total strangers can become quick friends and have the greatest time together. And then we had a random break for teacher's retreat and I spent two of the four days at a nursing home. The other two, I spent crying hysterically. I am not going to sugarcoat it. My boyfriend and I...well...we broke up. And I hate talking about it. Because...ugh...I'm not even going to talk about it much. It was bad and Halloween was less than cheerful. It was really fun, don't get me wrong, but there was that gloom of just being broken up with someone I really cared about.

November had the most birthdays ever. My new friend, my other friend, my friend from middle school, and my cousin all had birthdays. They were fun, I guess. The other friend's birthday was a little awkward though, I have to admit. I also had to endure the stress of a group project. I hate group projects so much. Thanksgiving was cool. My neighbor didn't come, he annoys a lot of people. It was my cousin's birthday so it was great to spend time with her.

And here were are...in December. Pretty chill month. I went into a bit of an academic down but that fixed itself. I finally got the Christmas concert overwith. It was such a success! People were congratulating me all week long, it was awesome. Christmas at Loyola was cute too. Buying people presents is the greatest joy this time of year. Presents are also really awesome when you don't ask for them. I made a lot of new friends and met up with a lot of friends. It's been great. Christmas makes you appreciate the little things in life.

Well my year was eventful, and I'm looking forward to next year. That should be really fun...hopefully.

I Kissed A Boy

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my commitment
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I've got the hots for you
Caught my attention

I kissed a boy and I liked it
The taste of his lack of chapstick
I kissed a boy out of habit
I hope my boyfriend don't find out
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
I think it means I'm in love tonight
I kissed a boy and I liked it
I liked it

Well, I think I knew your name
It sorta matters,
You're my experimental game
Just human nature,
It's not what,
Nice girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so abused
Hard to obey

I kissed a boy and I liked it
The taste of his lack of chapstick
I kissed a boy out of habit
I hope my boyfriend don't find out
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
I think it means I'm in love tonight
I kissed a boy and I liked it
I liked it

You guys are just magical
Soft skin, thin lips, so kissable
Hard to resist so touchable
Too good to deny it
It's a big deal, it's scandalous

I kissed a boy and I liked it
The taste of his lack of chapstick
I kissed a boy out of habit
I hope my boyfriend don't find out
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
I think it means I'm in love tonight
I kissed a boy and I liked it
I liked it

*Disclaimer: I felt like spoofing Katy Perry. I have nothing against lesbians/ bisexuals.*

Happy Holidays!

Last Christmas, I had a reasonable list of everything I wanted.
This year, I had no idea. I have friends, I don't have friend drama, I have clothes, I have good body. I'm happy. Well, someone sorta representing a boyfriend would be nice too. But that can wait.
My mom actually got sort of annoyed that I didn't want anything this year. So she like took me shopping and asked me to point out all the stuff I like.
It was really odd.

I still need to buy prezzies for people that I'm seeing tomorrow. But yeah. This weekend will be fun.
I hope.

Seeing my best friend on Tuesday was fun. I haven't seen him in almost six months. He hasn't changed much. It's hard to tell, considering we talk every second of our lives...well I talk to him. He sorta responds.

I always liked Christmas. It's been a good time. This year, it was okay. My aunt had to work late, and my uncle got sick, so no one came. I sigh in whateverness.

Anarchy, Government, and The MTA

To clear something up, I'm not an anarchist. Hard to believe, I know. Government is a great thing! Honestly! Without it, life would go something like this:

Dude 1: *pokes*
Dude 2: "Yo, man, wtf?!"
Dude 1: "I can't poke people no more?"
Dude 2: *pulls out gun and shoots Dude 1*

No laws, no one say that shooting someone is wrong. We'd live in chaos. Sure, the world needs a degree of chaos to make life interesting, but some of it is just unnecessary. Like drama. Chaos NO ONE needs in their life. Thankfully, that's left mine, so yay.

Government needs to bail out the MTA. I am no expert, but raising the fare and cutting service? What is that going to accomplish? I have no idea. But there's an issue when a subway is 5 seconds away, and the last train in front of it left the station about 20 minutes ago, and it is standing there for 10 minutes "approaching." I was almost late for seeing my best friend. I was pretty angry, because now, whenever I have a quote of time to hang out with someone, I have to call my parents when I get out. Because once, the suwbay ate 40 minutes out of the 2 hours I had.

And I only needed to go 5 stops.

Go figure.

Skinny Little B_tch

I saw a book of that title in some store but I forgot which one and it was a guide to being fabulous at any weight and any age for any and every occasion. Too bad that I don't have it.

Anyway, on to the main topic. I lost ten pounds, 7 inches off my waist and about 3 or 4 off my hips. And now, I'm tinier than most of my friends that I was half-jealous of for being tiny. Now, there's nothing to be jealous of. I look fine, I finally have clothes that fit well, and people are starting to take notice of me. Life is good in that regard.

Academically I'm going in a downward spiral. I have no clue WHY. It could be the insomnia/ nightmare complex. Like recently, I haven't been getting much peaceful sleep because some horrid dream would scare me and wake me up at like 3 A.M. and then I would not get back to sleep until 4. That's why I did not do so well on the ACT this time around. I got a 27 when last time I got a 29. School has it's ups and downs and the down is now, I guess. I almost failed a Spanish test. That ALMOST NEVER happens to me. Especially in Spanish! And math has always been a problem since sophomore year, so if that's plateauing in the 80's I will be very happy.

And I don't think I'll get into the college that's a bit of reach for me at all. Seriously. People are telling me "Oh it's a joke if they won't accept you there." Not really since everyone they accept has similar grades to mine. So I just have to pick up my pace and stop wussing out through panic attacks. I just gotta get my head into this whole school thing.

What I'm Thankful For....

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone =D

I think I am going to make my list of thankfulness in list form with smaller explanations.

• My friends: as much as you guys drive me crazy, you give me stories to tell, things to learn, and even more absurd ideas.
• My parents: once again, as much as they drive me insane, they give me something to talk about
• Loyola: it's good to be in school...as stressful as it is.
• The teachers: since it's a public blog, I'm not going to mention any names. But if they every come across it they'll know who they are. I thank my math teacher for being really understanding. I thank my physics and Spanish teachers for being so chill and funny. I thank my English teacher and chamber music director for helping me be more outgoing. I thank my history teacher for giving me a new, relative perspective on history.
  
• The people I don't like: you guys teach me patience.
• New City Police Department: doing a good job keeping everyone safe.
• MTA: as much as your policies suck, you get me to places, like K's house and school.
• Makers of iPod and iTunes: even though your products don't work sometimes, they are really cool.
• My computer: greatest computer ever.
• Josh Hillis blog: helped me lose my goal of ten pounds.
• My bass: keeps my mind off things.
• American Idiot: helps me get through everything and anything.
• Food: helped me from getting an eating disorder (you taste too good!)
• Cosmogirl! and Alternative Press: I really like the articles and I discover awesome music through them.
• Turkey: favorite stuffed animal.
• All the people in my class: because being with the same people everyday, every period is really boring.
• Rein teen tours: greatest experience ever.
• All the stores I shop at: so that I don't have to get arrested everyday for indecent exposure.
• Sims 2: most creative game ever.
• Princeton Review: helps me in school, not just on standardized tests.
• ACT: easiest test ever.
• My sweet sixteen: funny and scandalous, I saw one of my friends there that I haven't seen in almost two years.
• Greece trip: met one of my closest friends there and had some pretty ridiculous happenings.
• Peru trip: more ridiculous shit happening.
• "shit": it's a noun which is most frequently used in my vocab.
• Spanish and German: keep me occupied

This list goes on and on, but those are a few things I'm thankful for. I'm also thankful for today's dinner, even though it won't look as appetizing as the one in the picture.

What Happens When You Ignore Yourself

Recently, I've been doing more work than I can handle.
Seriously.
I barely hang out with anyone. I barely have time for myself. I usually just do school work or various other such things for ACT and stuff.
I wish I was as smart and talented as people seem to perceive me as. For example, I wish I could just write my essays the morning of and get like an A+. But that's not me.
With me, I have to write them the day they're assigned. Or else I bug out and waste more time crying because of stress than actually writing the essay. It's pretty bad.

You know what else is pretty bad? The boy scene. Like...I don't even know if I want to like anyone, forget about wondering whether or not a guy likes me. Or a girl for that matter.
It's sorta weird being at the "questionable" end of the hot spectrum.
My guys friends tell me I'm hot...but they also tell me which of my friends is hot.
And that's a downer.
But, as I mentioned, I have no idea who to like. Because in my mind, I've pretty much ruled out...everyone. Except for people I haven't met yet.
You might think it's odd, but I know too much crap about everyone.

It gets stifling sometimes.

Retreats and Community

I am not the most conforming person at around. Actually, I try my hardest to be as unique as possible. To be different in every way, even in ways people are not expected to be different. I am proud of it.

That is...until my class goes on retreat. I feel totally alone, even with people who are my best friends. They all have something in common, the rest of my class: crappy families, slew of dead close ones, extreme attractions to their pets.

I only have my hate complex to worry about. I am never open about it. Unless someone figures it out. Like Scott did. He has helped me lessen it a lot. I doubt he reads this blog at all, but I want to thank him for it, since I would be in a vicious cycle of never truly accepting myself among other people or with myself. You know that song "My Own Worst Enemy"? Sure, it is about a break up, but I felt like that almost every day.

Until yesterday where I finally, publicly asked for forgiveness for it. And I think it worked. I have not had a negative thought about myself since last night.

Back from the Dead

Well, I have returned from two straight weeks of moping and I am back in action. Took a while to realize that as great a guy he was, Scott and I did not work out. And whatever. There are other guys out there...like all three of my current crushes.

Second quarter is under way already, and I already finished all my service requirements and a stupid research paper reared its ugly head out of NO WHERE! Blah! Oh well, I just have to plow through it and there.

Oh yeah, I also started preparing for the ACT. It is a gift from God. Considering I never saw the test before, I think a 25 is a pretty good score. The instructor is really nice too. She is not too old or too young, so we talk about things like South Park.

Two weeks have passed since I last wrote and there is not much to talk about...oh well...updates are always good.

And So It Was...

Scott and I broke up last night and I have received an influx of "OMG WTF BBQ?!" and "Are you okay?" and "what happened?" Honestly, I was so that life does not get too hard on either of us if we stay together in these cycles of blah and happy. So we decided to become friends.

And it is remarkably easy.

It is funny though, he still makes me really happy, but maybe that is because Scott was my boyfriend in addition to my best friend. So I guess that is what I need to be looking for in my next boyfriend, which probably will not be for a while.

I have been getting some negative attention from guys. I have lost many inches from my waist, so my boobs appear bigger and that is one of the things guys just look at when talking to me. There is also my smarts: some people only talk to me about school or to get answers or to get notes. I am trying not to be as much of a pushover about it this year, but it is really hard. I just cannot be a bitch when it comes to helping people. I am probably going to end up being one of those people on What Not To Wear who dress poorly because they do not get enough "me-time."

Whatever. I have the greatest best guy friend in the world. So I am doing fine.

Field Day 2008

Friendship is a really interesting topic. People are interesting too. Yesterday, I hung out with the peopl in the picture to my left and with others, mostly freshman and sophomores. You probably think that I must be a lame junior since I hung out with them, but really, I had more fun there than with my classmates.

We tackled each other, danced to music, talked about random stuff, made pyramids, attempted at playing chicken on land, attempted a game of marco polo, and other random fun stuff. I had so much and I barely know the kids I hung out with. In school, either our schedules prevent us from talking or the people we usually spend time with keep us occupied. But it was nevertheless fun.

I want to get to know those guys better. I mean, they have to be pretty awesome if you can have so much fun with barely knowing each other and having all these stupid jokes, like Jay being everyone's mutual boyfriend and getting dumped every minute every day by one of us *laughs out loud*. But it was awesome, just like in freshman year when I was friends with many of my classmates before things sort of fell apart.

But who cares? College is coming anyway. New opportunities to meet new people. And I have decided to go to a college where most people are smarter than I am . I feel like people just do not approach me because I am smart girl who happens to be pretty. So that is one of the reasons why I am shooting for an Ivy school. DOUBTFUL that I will get in, but true losers do not even try. And I am going to try.

Rich People And Their Big Houses...

I dislike Aram. Aram, you SUCK! No, just kidding, haha. I am just simply jealous of your house. I am jealous of Scott's old New York penthouse too...but that one is about half the size of Aram's house. His refrigerator is like the size of my kitchen and his kitchen is the size of my living room...maybe even bigger. I want a house like that where I can have my own room and stuff.

When I grow up, I want to be rich. But not in the "oh my gosh, I sit around and do nothing all day and just earn money because my husband made a name for himself." No, I want to work for it. I do not really want to go into business because it is an unstable job. Look at the economy and all the business-related jobs being lost. Um, yeah.

I really like genetics and chemistry. Telejournalism seems interesting too, but I am not outgoing enough to start that. Although, I do want to help people through science and stuff, but not really become a doctor (medical school sounds SO daunting). I want to become a nutritionist since I am very health-aware and I want to help other people become aware of what they eat, how they eat, and how often.

Jeez, I am not even a senior yet and I am already planning for college majors and stuff. I know one thing: due to horrible passed experiences with history classes, no more history for me =]

Deep Conversions in a State Deep Conversations Should Not Be Possible

It did not really feel any different. I felt fine. I talked to my boyfriend yesterday after spending some 5-odd hours with K. First we had dinner with her friend, Ariah, and then we sat at her house drinking a bit while watching TV and talking. And then, when I got home, my parents interogated me about drinking alcohol, but I dismissed it. Until I started talking to Scott. He was teasing me about being buzzed, but whatever. I was fine.

Anyway, onto the bulk of this entry. I did not people get so deep and meaningful while depressants are running through their veins. I guess it sort of forces you to stop, slow down, and actually think about what you are going to say. I am not saying take a few shots before telling your parents that you are pregnant or breaking up with your boyfriend or telling your friend that you do not want to be their friend anymore. But it was interesting to say the least.

Everything I told Kayleigh, probably would not have been. I usually do not tell most people about my various, bullshit crises. I am recently undergoing a religious crisis, but I do not know exactly what the issue is. Scott suggests I am becoming agnostic, but I have no idea. I do not know much recently. It is really weird. Not going to go into it on my blog because some family friend's kid spreads gossip about me that my mom does not even know about. And I kind of want my parents to know after I know what the issue is.

We talked about ex-boyfriends and stuff. Current emotional ruts. Everything that is borderline depressing. I feel like if a log of that conversation went into a novel, people reading it might be in tears. It was stuff that I could not talk to my best friend of almost six years about. I told Scott basically about what went on, and we had a similar conversation (but we usually have those conversations when I am crying hysterically due to a crash).

I think what I learned from last night is that I have two true friends. =]

I'm So Lost at Home...

There are days that I can't wait to go home. There are days when I wish I could stay at school all day. Now they sort of blend sometimes. Where I do not want to go anywhere because there is simply no where to go.



Like Friday. I sort of wandered for forty-five minutes. I did not know if I wanted to chill with people who did not like me or if I wanted to chill by myself, so I did. So I texted my boyfriend. And he was busy. Two of my close friends were in JUG (Jesuit school equivalent of detention), which really sucked. So I wandered around. I did not know if I wanted to go to the bus to go home, so I sort of walked eastward and subconciously started heading in the direction of Scott's house. I stopped myself and got all sad. He does not live there anymore. He is too busy in college where it is way too freaking expensive to see me, so he does not. There are random in which it really hits me. Like at that moment when I had no one to hang out with or talk to.

And I am deciding that I am going to stop caring about all my bullshit friend problems. People give me shit for it and I do not really know if the people giving me issues because of how they treat other people is really affecting them. And you know what? Fuck them. All I know is that no one deserves to be treated the way they treat other people. NO ONE.

First Tests and My Weight (Two Things I Can Never Really Succeed In)

Well...that was a bit of a fiasco. But not as much of a fiasco as last year.

First AP History test last year was an 80. This year, it was a 93. I was sort of happy, but OF COURSE, my too-demanding mother thought I failed at life. First math test last year, I got something in the 80s. This year, it was an 86. First English test last year, 85. This year, 92. First science test, 92. First science quiz-test thing, 100. Obviously something has changed. Perhaps my learning habits or something like that. I have no idea. But I feel like I am burning out. Oh well, as long as I am still doing well by Christmas, I will be okay.

Now, my weight. How much more do people want?! I have lost four or five inches off my waist, my fat percentage went down about a percent. I am really scared of getting any smaller, my ribs are already showing and so are hip bones. I do not look fat. Yet I am somehow ten pounds overweight. Losing weight is just really hard. I workout everyday, I do not eat junk food, and I maintain a constant weight of 140-142 pounds. I only reached 139 about a month ago but that was when I was barely eating and playing tennis eight hours a day. Ugh, I think I am healthy, I do not get sick often, maybe once or twice a year. Well standards of weight are not going to change anytime soon. So whatever.

Why I Hate and Love People

Hate People: They flake...A LOT! I get so annoyed with them sometimes, it makes me cry and say things that I definitely do not mean. For example, I am refusing to talk to some of my friends because they all ditched me Friday night. Um, yeah that really sucks and it makes you feel like shit. And some people, are fakes. They pretend to be your friend just to get something out of you--like an awesome study for a class. I am worth more than that. I do not just sit around and study all day. On the contrary, I actually hate sitting around and studying all day. But that is exactly what an 97.6 average and glasses means. I am much sexier than that, seeing as I watch fashion shows religiously to make sure I do not look like a nerd. Some people are liars too. They date people with no intention of having it last as long as possible and therefore, take a gander at other people and think about getting together with them. That is so wrong. Usually, the guy is more than genuine and doing that is called being a bitch.

Love People: They wait for you on street corners and do crazy things with you. Like drink while watching Little Miss Sunshine and grinding with you along to "Super Freak." That was the best night ever. The drinking was a little disappointing, since I never drank before, so I assumed I would be gone by 2 shots of hard liquor. I was perfectly fine after 3.5 shots and beer. My friend who was with me was out of it after a shot and a beer. But it was fun, to say the least. And then I chilled with my other friend who, though she was an hour late, showed up. And we had fun trying to pronounce German and trying on ridiculous clothes. My friends mean a lot to me. And friendship is a two-street. Unfortunately, most people are unaware of that and therefore need to get slapped across the face with karma.

First Days Back

They were...meh. Well, nah, I really should not say that. I have somewhere between a 90 and a 100 average in everything because I actually do my homework and stuff because I am dilligent like that. Friend-wise, it is fantastic, I guess. I chat more in class nowadays too because frees are for homework and I tend to space out socially while doing that...unless I am chatting online.

So, I ended last year tied for second place in the class and on the first honors roll. Yeah, I will not go further into my study habits or intelligence because frankly, I have no idea how that happened, considering how rough last year started.

This year, junior year, started off rather smoothly. I am not stressed out yet, no one is giving me any trouble so far...well, except for my best friends who keep flaking on me on Fridays. It is very annoying and I really want to get down on the issue. Well, yesterday it rained a lot, so I can see why hanging out would be a little inconvenient. Oh well.

Now I have new friends, so I can expand my circle of people to hang out with. Except I do not really have the courage to ask for new people's phone numbers, let alone to hang out. I really feel uncomfortable calling someone if I have not known them very long, does not matter if there is a crisis.

The classes are allright. I mean, I cannot complain...except for physics. The teacher drones on and on and on and it is really hard to focus on what he is saying without being so annoying by the way he is saying it! Speech class should be fun, considering it is really interactive and stuff. So far, I have to write an introduction about my friend as if we got together 10 years after graduation. That should be fun.

I wonder what else this year holds for me...

Depression Hurts

Um...like no shit, it does. I am apologizing in advance for every profanity spoken in this entry. Well, I mean, people cannot function when they are depressed. Plain and simple.

I have not gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Either I had to be up early (on tour) or I do not fall asleep until 2 A.M. or I get nightmares during the night. It really hurts. And now, there is some form of subconscious anorexia or something going on, because I cannot eat. I have a slice of toast with a slice of tomato and I am full. I try eating another one, and I get heartburn. I really sucks. And I don't want to get all the complications related to not eating enough. But I am eating a balanced diet...whatever, it is still scary.

I guess they just say stuff like "Where does depression hurt?" just to give the people who have never had it some verbal idea of what it is like. They even show people with really emo expressions on their faces. Well, with the people I know, it's a slew of "I'm fine's" until they give up on you. Until you're like "shit, I am alone."

The loneliness is the worst. You have no freaking clue how to occupy yourself because you've isolated yourself so badly. And I so many people have left me. I've lost...about 12 friends this year. Twelve CLOSE friends. I have lost any form of integrity of being myself just because like...if barely anyone likes you, is it really okay to still be you?

That's the question I am trying to answer.

And nothing fits.

iNerd

(I figured making the title with an iTunes-esque type would help my case).

I like learning. Ever since I got my textbooks, I have been reading all of them. With no jokes, either. The theology textbook is so poorly written, I got a good lesson in English grammar rather than scripture. I attempted at reading the Spanish book of short stories and honestly, I barely got a thing. All I understood was some kid was involved in a trial in which the prosecutor was anal abot information pertaining to the trial. Beowulf was fun to read, especially how everyone who had any balls or muscles was extremely, extremely in Anglo-Saxon England...and was worshipped for it.


I decided to start teaching myself German. So far, I can only conjugate -en verbs in the present tense. And that making something plural can actually change the gender, which is interesting. I have been on the greatest Rammstein phase ever. I. Can. Not. Stop. Listening. To. Them. They are so GOOD! I saw the Mann Gehen Mann (which means "Man Against Man") music video and I was like "EW!" But they're rock gods they don't need sex appeal. I saw some live videos and in all honesty, I get turned on by people who are sick at the guitar or bass. And then I get a hyperactivity fit.

So what else...I want to learn how to cook too. I got made fun of on Rein tour for not being able to, so I want to change that. I want to not fail on my own in life. Although...I know how to make eggs and sandwiches. Woohoo...go me.

Insecurity

I am not going to go off onto a big rant as to how insecure I am not. I am just going to talk about how insecure I am.

There's too much about me that I would really like to change. Not so much about looks, but something about my personality keeps people away. I have been described as scary, adorable, weird, independent...from a multitude of people. I have no clue what my friends would describe me as.

Some say I am a great person because I worry more about other people than I do myself. And that is because...I guess I just sometimes feel like I am not going to have a purpose in life besides getting other people through life and having my life perpetually put on hold. But you know...maybe that is just going to be my life...

An endless cycle of helping with no time to fix issues that are kicking me somewhere that is like an emotional funny bone.