Alright

I don't think I'll be the one
That's behind.
I'm a little nerdy girl with
Tons of attitude.
It's spelled itself out well
In my personal essay.
I think I'm a pretty good girl
Except when you piss me off
I can get bad,
So stay off my bad side
And I'll see you at the better end.

Weight loss is starting to get so futile.
I can fit into skinny jeans
And wear frilly skirts.
I don't what's worse than I'm giving up
Or my angry isn't letting me do what I want.

I Want to Give Up

Weight loss
Is getting to be too
Much.

Like, there's no way
I'll be as thin
And fit
As the girls at the gym.

My body shape that I inheritted
From my mom's side of the
Family
Really doesn't favor
Short skirts
Shorts
Or anything too sexy.

Why. Am. I. Trying?

Trip to MoMA

I won't call myself
An artist
Because the last thing
I drew was an emo kid
Playing a bass about
Two years ago.

But I do know
What can be
Considered art.

When my mother and I
Went to MoMA,
I failed to understand
Why some of the stuff
Was there.

A red stripe on the wall
Is considered art.
That's about as absurd
That boyishly-skinny
Women are considered
Beautiful and curvy.

And hair that look like
Your cat had seen a rat
In it and had a spazz attack
In it is super hot.

Um...
What I'm trying to say,
It's that because it's
Modern
Popular
And cool doesn't
Mean it actually takes skill.

Except for some paintings.
Like Picasso and Dali.

Hanging Out for 6 Hours

Hanging out for so long
Wandering Union Square
With the same person
Is so fun.

Getting bitched out
Because dad doesn't
Understand that not
Every family is normal
Is not fun.

Losing three pounds
After eating food I actually like.
GREAT!

Police Women of Broward County (Commentary)

Holy shit, that show is intense. Well, not really. The situations the people they arrest get into. All of them are druggies. ALL OF THEM. It's crazy. And the neighborhood they work and raise kids in is really sketchy.

But I give them credit. I would not be able deal with those people, live in that area, or be a cop. Hence why I'm sticking to pharmacy and interior design.

They Won't Be Around (Song)

When people go to Catholic school
Especially the girls
People expect you to become whores
But not you.

When your dad sent you to a Catholic place
He definitely meant well.
But then you met some teenage kids
And you fell. You fell.

You fell in love with a prickly plant
That can only be grown
On ex-communist sand.
Communist sand.

Yet you fall.
And the people who got you
So hard in love let you fall.

In the place of nowhere
Where are they now?
They're not around.
They're not around.

When we were young I always thought you'd be
the smart, responsible cool kids.
But darlings can't you see?
Your mom's rolling around in her grave.

When I heard you were sneaking out
Passed 11. Nothing good could come out
Of it. You met with bad people
And look at where you are now.

You fell in love with a powdery dust
That can only be collected
On ex-communist sand.
Communist sand.

Yet you fall.
And the people who got you
So hard in love let you fall.

In the place of nowhere
Where are they now?
They're not around.
They're not around.

They won't be around.

Monotony

I do the same thing everyday.
I file papers everyday.
I fill out charts everyday.

I do the same thing everyday.
I file papers everyday.
I fill out charts everyday.

I do the same thing everyday.
I file papers everyday.
I fill out charts everyday.

I do the same thing everyday.
I file papers everyday.
I fill out charts everyday.

I do the same thing everyday.
I file papers everyday.
I fill out charts everyday.

And then I party.

InStyler (Rant)

It is probably the most complicated hair product I've ever seen. It is a cross between a curling iron and a straightener...minus the hot plates. It comes with a built-in brush, cool. But it seems like it does more curling and flipping than actual straightening.

But I think what got me the most was the fact that they complain that regular straighteners do so much damage. Honestly, they do. But not as much if you use heat protection products and straightener your hair the right way. I'm not an expert on hair, but plenty of articles in magazines and websites say that when straightening, you have to pull the straightener down in one, smooth motion. Not crimp your hair with it as demonstrated in the infomercial.

Haha, I sort of feel this is the kind of rebuttal Josh Hillis would give some new "revolutionary" workout machine. It'd be nice if he could debunk or prove things like Flirty Girl Fitness and that weird ab machine that you swing on.

My Course Schedule (Song Thing)

AP Spanish
AP Bio
AP English
AP Statistics

I didn't get any
Of the fun classes
That I wanted to take.

So instead my school
Gave me all the worst
Classes ever.

My schedule...
Is so packed...

I'm gonna have to wave
My sex life good bye
Put my life love
On the back burner.

Wait, usually when stuff
Goes on the back burner
It sets itself on fire
Maybe that's what'll happen.

My schedule...
Is so packed...

Will I have time,
To take care of myself?
This hectic array of APs
Really truly sucks.

My friends will forget
What my face looks like
Since I'll be so fucking busy.

My schedule...
Is so packed...

Fun Times

Hanging out after
A long week of work is great.

Watching Charm School 3
When it's mostly about moms...

Not so good.

Talking to One Guy
Makes me feel better.
And I wish I could
Have more time to talk to him
About my problems and stuff.
Maybe not so much problems,
But issues and feelings I'm having.
Because I feel that I can trust him.
I know I can trust him.
I want to.

Worries

As I was walking down the street
With my iPod on shuffle, our song came on
And it really got me thinking
Since we made it this far...

It's been almost three months...
Three fucking months.

Because you've got to understand,
I'm pretty paranoid because
Most of my relationships have
Only lasted that long.

And I'm sorry that I'm being a bit
Weird right now, even though you might
Need me for emotional support
Because work sucks, it's fucking hard.

Especially in an economy like this,
You don't need a silly girlfriend
Compromising that form of stability...

So I won't be silly...
But I'll stay your girlfriend. <3

The Ugly Truth: A Movie Review

For a rated R movie, this one was absolutely adorable. Sure, there were many x-rated jokes only teens would make with their friends, but the ending was cute. Papaya mentioned that the change in the female character came out of nowhere, but I disagree.

The jokes were great...I was probably cracking up more than most people in the theater. But I am assuming that I was one of the younger people there. But still. My favorite moment was in the beginning when she initially calls Mike's show and he calls her ugly because she cannot get a guy. The jokes were good, though a bit repetitive...some sounded like things I say on a regular basis.

I think some of the things they said about guys are true: in the end, all relationships lead to the same thing. I bet some people are going to read this and think that they are waiting to marriage...well, that's a relationship, no? Just a bit more permanent...not in the United States, but you get my drift.

And the female in the movie, whose name I forgot, did not change all that suddenly...I mean, how many times have girls been utter bitches before getting asked out by a decent guy and afterwards were the nicest people ever? Like when the guy was calling her back, she already turned a little more laid back. I mean, I would, because One Guy doesn't call me all that often because of shitty service where he lives.

Overall, I thought it was great. Except, definitely worth its R rating.

Rating: 7/10

Do You Know Your Enemy? It's Not Green Day

I have never been to concert as fun as that.
I've never been to a concert that caused such a
Crazy rush of emotions before the band came on.
I've never been to a concert where I started screaming
Like a little hardcore fangirl when the lead singer
Started speaking, let alone singing.
I've never been to a concert with so much graphics.
I've never been to a concert with so much pyrotechnics.
I've never been to a concert where the crowd sang
Most of the songs.
I've never been to a concert where both the opening band
Lead singer and the main event's lead singer randomly
Decided to hang with people in the crowd.
I've never been to a concert where the lead singer tells
People to start rushing forward during a song
Just to get closer to the band.
I've never been to a concert where the lead singer
Told everyone to turn off their cameras and cell phones
To fit the mood of one of their songs since we cannot
Recreate or save "Our Moment" on video.
I've never been to a concert where there's a story told
About arguing with a wife, beating the shit out of some guy
And then telling the wife that you love her
I've never been to a concert where the band randomly
Starts playing
Gun and Roses
Sweet Home Alabama
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Take Me Out to the Ball Game
Show tunes
And Shout
In the middle of their own song.
I've never been to a concert where the band kidded about
Playing a song and then asked the people which song
They should play.
I've never been to a concert where the band stayed
An hour after saying that they were leaving.
I've never been to a concert where people were asked to come
And sing songs
And play a 9-minute song
In front of Madison Square Garden.
I've never been to a concert
Where the drummer not only threw
His drumsticks about five times
But gave out on of his cymbals too.

I feel amazing after that.
Except for the work part.
Waking up at 7:15 sucks.

Daisy of Love (Commentary)

So I've been following Daisy of Love on VH1 (yes, a straight-A student who watches too much VH1, it's possible). It was fun, but the ending was so disappointing and predictable: of course she went with the douchey rock star that bailed on her once. But I guess that's how girls are. When shown a pair of guys, she goes with the douche instead of the nice guy.

I miss my nice guy.

My Ass (An Attempt at Something Stupid and Catchy)

Here me boy,
Don't take a chance,
Don't even try to start
A romance
With me
Because I will
Make you my toy.

I'll tell you
I'm a vegetarian
And your penis
Is no exception
To the "no meat" rule.

I'll make you feel
Just like a fool
And this is what happens
When you hit on taken girls.

Here me, boy,
Don't take a chance,
Don't even try to start
A romance
With me
Because I will
Make you my toy.

I will fuck
With your brain
It will suck
But I'll be entertained.

You're a stupid boy.
You're a stupid boy.

Don't mess with me
Because I'm taken,
You see?
By this dude
Who is hot
And he's everything
You're not.

Hear me, boy,
Don't even try
I don't care if
You're super fly.

Go ahead
Take a chance,
But I'm letting
You know now
That you will be
Quickly shot down.

Personal Best

I think my cycle
Of negativity
Has no end
Because it keeps going on
Into the A.M.

I stay up really late
Crying my eyes
Wishing everything
Would be different.

Like that one time
Called my sophomore
Year, I was left behind
By all my peers.

And I remember how much
That sucked
And I won't forget
And I'll bet
They don't remember a thing.

But that's okay.
Because
I guess things
Are all right
Now that I'm hanging on
To some sliver of hope
That I thought
Didn't exist at all.

500 Days of Summer (A Reaction)

This is a reaction to the movie 500 Days of Summer. I write reviews about movies I can find some humor in, like Harry Potter 6. But I have a certain level of respect for romantic flicks.

What do I mean by respect? I mean, I don't think people should make fun of sappy romance flick relationships...unless it's Romeo and Juliet, because they just wanted to fuck. But like...I feel like most romantic movies I've watched have been about couples that didn't work out. And where love isn't actually a thing, it's just some abstract noun, like justice or God. And...I really want to think it's real.

Like in Juno, I want the hope that two people can be happy forever together. And when I say forever, I don't mean a few days that's so good or so bad that it feels like forever. I mean, let's-grow-old-and-live-and-die-in-each-other's-arms forever. The marriage in the 48 percent that works out. This movie, honestly, made me so guilty about the fight me and One Guy had a few days ago. Sure, we were back to being lovey dovey and absolutely silly and we tried lucid dreaming together. But, I just don't want to fight with him.

I don't.

But it's conflict that makes one grow. It's like trees: you cut off a piece to cause many other branches to grow from the hole. At least that's what stem cell class taught me about trees and growth.

I want something to last more than 3 months. Sure, me and SCBFF were together for 6 months, but we saw each other for three of those...well, I guess that counts as more than 3 months because we actually tried to make it last. It's the other 3-monthers that I don't understand. And I'll be so excited when me and One Guy when we make it passed 3 months and onto...something that's a multiple of 3 months.

I will be so happy.

Research and The Gym

I like rain.
The way it pours.
The way it sounds
When it pours.

The way it always seems to pour
In sync with my emotions.
Maybe I'm sad when it rains
Because I doubt it rains
When I'm sad.

Anyway, it also rains
During painfully
Boring days.

Days when all you do
Is read
And read
And do some more reading
Of online courses
And online journals.

It stopped raining
When I met up with
My Grandson though.
She's fun to chill with.
And no, it's not
Supposed to read
"He's fun to chill with."

My Job (N.a.P.)

So I woke up this morning at 8 to go start my first job. I work at a hospital in the Anesthesia department with these really nice ladies. So, I get to walk around an operating room and check out anesthesia and do research.

Also, I get to wear scrubs and the cover things you put on your head and feet to keep germs out. It's fun. I think I'll have a good time.

Why I'm Losing Weight (Not a Poem)

Okay, so I've told some of my friends that I'm trying to lose weight. And the general reaction was: "YOU LOOK FINE" or "stfu."

It's not about how I look anymore. It's BEYOND that. I know I do not look it, but I am close to being obese, according to many BMI charts. So weight loss is not aesthetic anymore. It is to save my health: now and later.

Plus, losing weight will be beneficial to my health, both mentally and physically. Mentally, I will probably and hopefully be over my body image issue, content in knowing that I weigh what I weighed in middle school. Physically, all the working out will make me feel energetic, fruit clears up skin, vegetables apparently help with energy, and MEAT IS YUMMY.

It is really starting to annoy me how badly people are trying to talk me out of it. I really just need support.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Movie Review

The long-delayed sixth installment of the Harry Potter film saga was definitely worth the wait. Overall, the special effects rocked, key book details were not omitted, and the characters seemed more approachable than in the other movies. The pg rating bothered me though.

I am a big fan of big special effects movies, such as Day After Tomorrow, Lord of the Rings, most horror movies, and most action flicks. But the opening sequence had me...not on the edge of my seat but pretty damn excited. There seemed to be more spell action in this one, similarly to Order of the Phoenix, the movie before this one. The only thing I could really complain about was the lake scene. The zombies did NOT look like zombies. For Lord of the Rings familiars, imagine a giant swarm of Gollum attacking Harry and Dumbledore.

Many people complain that there was too much Ron and Hermione development and not enough about Harry and Ginny. It was there though. And others complain about the lack of Weasley brothers and Weasley marriage reference. People, the movie is long enough as it is; we do not need anymore details. They kept the most important details: memories and Slughorn, Quidditch match, Dumbledore, etc.

I had watched a segment on Half-Blood Prince in which Emma Watson (Hermione) said that it was a movie she thinks everyone could relate to. I totally agree. For teens, there exists much angst among Harry and Draco, and the struggle for love is ever present. For adults, there is the romantic tension between characters and job-tension among the teachers. I, personally, felt really bad for Draco, since he was put up to a task I doubt he had the guts to carry through with.

As for the MPAA rating: NOT PG. Why I think the directors should have made it pg-13: zombies could have been more realistic and scary; sectumsepra is NOT kid-friendly; if I were a parent, I would NOT want my kid seeing so much on-screen kissing and sexual tension; there could have been more sexual tension; and the last reason would spoil too much for those of you too lazy to read the book.

Overall, though, I liked the movie, especially since I am great at ignoring the fact that I read all the books.

Rating: 8/10

Been Getting Really Bad At Posting

Know why?
There's nothing to post about.
Well.

There probably is.
I'm just lazy
And bored
And really bored.

I wish someone could come
To my house
And visit me.
*cough cough*
ONE GUY *cough.*

I Wish I Wrote A Song Today

So I'm sitting here
In my 3oh!3 shirt
Looking like a hiphop artist
Without attitude
And wishing that I
Wrote
A Song
Today
About something totally
Stupid
And pointless
But hey.

I'm chilling with a super cool
Friend tomorrow.

And for your
Information
I'm not talking about
Harry Potter.

Bally Total Fitness

I'm so used to feeling out of place.
Either interest-wise,
Age-wise,
Look-wise,
Language-wise,
And other-wise.

I felt the age-wise
Out of place today at the gym.
But I didn't feel
Fitness-wise
Out of place.

Which is nice.
I didn't get that at Brown.

Damn, skinny chicks xD

First Morning Back [Song]

I woke up this morning
It was weird having to walk a mile
To the bathroom
To my morning whizz.

After I had eggs for the time
In three weeks
My mom said to check my
SAT scores.

Collegeboard tells me they were crummy
And then my mom went
On a tirade about how I'm amoral.

Mornings aren't my favorite
Time of the day.
Mornings are my least favorite time.

Mornings aren't my favorite
Time of the day.
Mornings are my least favorite time.

My dad went to the farmer's market
And got me my favorite yoghurt.
Since I'm used to eating thousands of portion
A day, I chug them one by one.

My mother gave me cherries,
Which are supposed to cleanse my system.
I ate those one by one
And now I have a bad case of indigestion.

Mornings aren't my favorite
Time of the day.
Mornings are my least favorite time.

Brown Summary

Top 10 Things That Rocked:

1. Spike and Live
2. V Dub
3. Anatomy Lab
4. Stem cell class
5. AMP PARTIES
6. The Mall
7. Dye jobs and meat jobs
8. Trip outside R.I.
9. Cool floormates
10. Spacious dorms

Top 10 Things That Sucked:

1. Final presentation for B.M.E. class
2. Long ass lectures in stem cell
3. Creepy neighborhood
4. Anatomy lab
5. Nothing being open before noon on weekends
6. Not having a roommate
7. Teachers losing/ rejecting random assignments
8. ???
9. ???
10. ???

Hi!

Okay so I've been really bad about posting, but that's because when I'm by a computer, I'm either doing homework or doing homework. Yeah, it sucks, but I have about two presentations to do this week and I hate group projects. And I dislike quizzes amidst having two presentations to do. But aside from that, my sunburn is peeling indecently and it's super itchy and BLAH!

But a lot has been on my mind. For whatever reason, my body image issue is seriously affecting me right now. It's consuming my mind. Like, I go to the gym for an hour every day after walking for what feels like forever...and then I eat a lot and feel horrible but satisfied with what I ate and then I start not liking my body all over again >.< It's so stupid. Maybe it's because I am stupid and not as smart and collected as I like to think I am.

Came On Your Own

So I'm still at Brown and I got a sunburn. So I've just lost my beautiful pale status so now my tan is accentuating all the fat on my body and it's gross. And I'm taking a day off all to myself. I think I'll do lots of homework, some summer reading stuff, cleaning my room, and other things.



Oh yeah, by the way, aerosol hair color does shit to your hair. Like, your hair feels all wirey after washing it and smells really weird. Looks like its time for coconut smelly stuff. But the blue looked cool while it lasted, even though combing my hair was next to impossible and it could only really be seen in the back. But it's not something I would want permanently or even temporarily again. I might try spray-in red or auburn to see how I'd look as a red head but that's about it. Mr. Negative has a really nice hair color, but I don't like copying my friends...only people I don't know.



I'm almost done with the script to my stem cell class presentation. I hate using powerpoints so I'm just going to make ilustrations and use index cards and be really old school about it. But for my group project for biomedical engineering involves a 5-page paper and actually designing something that would potentially work. Oh, did I mention that I barely know the kids I'm working with? Yeah. It sucks. But I'm a good people person. I like being open to new people and ideas and stuff like that.



But I probably should put a shirt on. I'm sitting in the dark on a Sunday morning in jeans and a bra and my laziness is pervading into my eating habits.

Sometime Around Sunset

[Tribute to Airborne Toxic Event]

And it starts...
Sometime around sunset.
At least thats when
The night for lovers
Full of passion begins

And they stand
Under the streetlights
Arms clasped around each other
Faces attached like they've seen each other in a while
And they look so cute
Sometimes you can't help
But smile.

And you think
Why can't that be me?
They're kissing and laughing
And holding onto each other.
And everything's blurry
They don't even care to notice
The tears that are falling from your eyes.

And your eyes
Feel like theyre burning
From crying so hard.
You can barely laugh
At the inside jokes you made the week before.
And in general everything gets harder
And harder some more.

And there's everything you want
And everything you can't have
And everything you want
And everything you can't have
And everything you want
And everything...

He Wants To Love Me Woo-ooh

So I'm at Brown. Still. I feel so disgustingly sluggish. Like, I should be doing something way more productive but I'm sitting here in a bubble of body image problem and I'm basically panicking that I gained about 10 pounds and 7 inches. It's gross.

But ever since Sunday, I've been spending much time on campus with my friends, wandering around, being loud, laughing at dumb stuff, having energy drink parties, having these deep-ass conversations I doubt I can have with anyone else I know (besides One Guy) and missing dinner almost every day.

And one of my friends is really negative and almost as randomly-hating-on-people as I am. And I'm actually sort of mad at a lot of people back home. Like, I understand that Papaya hasn't been talking to me because she's touring the world and having fun. But almost everyone else doesn't do shit. Or won't be doing shit until mid-July. And NO, I won't contact you first because I always do the fucking work in most of my interactions with other humans. I just hate being the one waiting at the phone. Or constantly checking my email. Or facebook.

In spite of all this ranting, I'm having fun...

GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING DONUTS BITCH!!! DON'T MAKE ME DO MY ANGRY NOISE - Live

Holy Fucking Waffles

So I LOVE BROWN. AND MY FRIENDS. AND...did I mention I love my friends? They're so fucking cute together it's like an Old-Gregg-funk-ball of cuteness. Yeah, like today they had their first date...I mean I was there, but they were so cool about it.

In the past few days, I've been in an anatomy lab, grew penis-worms, went to my first hot topic, and been staying out until like 11. The anatomy lab was freaking creepy, like...you know that M. Night Shyamalan movie? I saw dead people. At least their faces were covered so it wasn't as awkward.

Hot Topic has lots of really cute clothes, like this tub top I got. It's great. And Kat Von D is my idol.

First Two Days At Brown

I'm not going to write these in poetic form since that takes too much effort and I probably should be doing my homework right now for my two biology courses. Sounds rough? Probably. I like my professors though, they're super enthusiastic in their own ways. The stem cell dude provides lots of examples and really knows his subject. Biomedeng lady is really young-adult-friendly, I guess, because she tries to get us interested...sort of like my old bio teacher back at Joyola.

The people here are super nice though. Spike and Live are really cool. Live actually lives not that far from me, but Spike lives in...boondocks Maryland. But I've met a few other cool people and my roommate is really chilled out. Yeah, city kids! =]

I feel like so many people here are either from NJ, CA, or some other country. But they are so nice, like that girl who knows Spike who came up to us at breakfast.

Speaking of breakfast, the food here is INCREDIBLE! I love it. I mean, last night there wasn't much of a variety, but this morning there was so much food. I made myself a pb&j sandwich and it was good...even though the bread had this weird green stuff on it...don't know why.

Habe Keine Lust (I Don't Feel Like It)

Ever get the feeling
That you just want to lie
Down and just lie there
In your postrate stance
And just watch the world go by you
Until everything is okay?

Or rather,
Until everything was like
It was a year ago?
With a lovely status quo
And lovely everything
Where you didn't have
To feel crappy a lot?

And when The Airborne Toxic Event
Didn't write that song
That makes you cry by the first refrain.

People's Misplace Priorities

I find it really amusing
How the media makes
More of a big deal
About Obama swatting
A fly
Than they do about
His policies.

It's kind of really
Messed up.

Just like dating someone
For their crazy antics
Without looking at
What they could mean for you...

Yeah, life is awkward.

Old Friends

It's really bizarre meeting up
With someone that you haven't
Seen since about freshman year.

There's so much to catch up on,
But nothing to talk about.
Since there's so much to catch up
You don't know where to start
And you don't want to bother.

Because there's so much.

If only school were the same way
When a student misses half a quarter
Worth of work.

Tackling Multiple Languages

I have too many goals.
The one I seem to focus on
A lot on my blog
Is the goal to be skinny
Or at least curvy
Like a stripper.

But my other goals
To be fluent in many languages
And to become a pharmacist.

So far I'm working on German.
In addition to Spanish.

Und ich spreche nicht gut Deutsche...
Aber ich lerne die Landesspreche.

Do as You Please, Please as You Do

People in the subway,
Are interesting to say the least.

Like that Christian guy that's always trying to
Get people to read the Bible.

It's nice to see people have some conviction
About what they believe in.

But the guy that sat next to me
Who the Christian guy addressed was interesting too.

He had some conviction too
And pretty laid back.

Subways are fun sometimes.
Not at 10:30 though.

College Tour Summary

So I haven't been online all week due to ACT and college tour, which lasted all 5 days. But it was fun. I had roomies I liked: Grandson, Sheltered, and Staff of Kings (S.o.K.). I mean, sure, our air conditioning unit got high and our room smelled like smoke, the shower situation kind of sucked, but the nail salon on the last night was fun and it made the trip worth it.

Honestly, I did not find many colleges I liked. I loved Brown U, BU, Stonehill and Trinity College. Brown I've loved for a while and the others are like "stupid" schools according to my mom. But Trinity has no core, Stonehill is gorgeous, and BU has everything I want and the tour guides sounded so enthusiastic. Like, they sounded as if they LOVED their school and that's how I want to feel about my college. It's so weird.

And the tour ended on a bit of a downer. We had finished watching...wait for it...The Notebook. Yes, The Notebook. After watching fun movies like Mean Girls and 007 Casino Royale. Most of the bus bawled at the end. The guys thought it was silly, but I came out of the movie a bit upset. Like, the ending was so depressing and not in that "aw they both died" way. It really goes to show that nothing lasts forever. The couple broke up 3 times before the movie ended. And you might cite only two, but the third occurred with the woman's dementia. Can't even remember being with the other person? And it makes me so sad. Like, I want to think one true love relationship can last forever...not the what I call fake marriages where the parents are together for the kids or for money or for some other reason than loving each other...God, I'm being emo.

And One Guy is prolly reading this and thinking that he needs to work harder or something and babe, you don't. You really don't. I just hope we can make it passed the 3-month threshhold that seems to bind my relationships.

We're at about a month now, right?

Am I Just Odd?

So I told my parents
That I want a guitar.
An electric guitar.
And they suggested I
Get an acoustic-electric
Or an acoustic all together.

I don't want an acoustic though.
Sure, they sound gorgeous
When you play them.
My dad reasoned that you
Could take it places with you
When there's no plug.

But there's something about
Carrying an acoustic guitar
With you to places
Basically implies that
A) You're pretty good.
B) You can sing
C) You can sing and play guitar.

I can sing and play bass.
Just not in front of people.

And I was never much of a performer.
And I don't really like acoustics to
Begin with, even though you're
Supposed to start off on one.

...Wow that was pointless.

[Insert 3oh!3 Lyrics Here]

My birthday was awesome
Even though people came late
And a form of entertainment
That's really fun didn't arrive until later.

What's funny is that
My So-Called Best Friend (SCBFF)
Actually remembered that it was my birthday
Which was weird.
I didn't expect it.

I also didn't expect the
United States History SAT II
To be so difficult this morning.
I thought I prepared so well...
Guess not.

My gifts for my birthday are cool too
And having three events to go to
Three days in a row is interesting too.
First Crane's graduation,
Then my birthday,
Then Fabulous' and her cousin's birthday "linner."

And then college tour on Monday.
What joy.

Not the Birthday Post

That comes later.
But allergies suck.
I really hope my nose stops running
And I sound less of a smoker by like
Two PM when people start coming over.

And I have to study for SAT IIs and stuff like that.

OMGBBQWTF? [kinda gross if you get the symbolism]

Hormones,
Fucking suck. It's like a vicious cycle
That won't ever stop.
You feel uplifted
But then you crash,
Like leaving your favorite trophy
For display at wild party.

And no one seems to care
About your blood phobia
Especially when you wake up
And your sheets are fucking wet.
You realize how bright your sheets look
When paired with red.

Why did you have to find it?
Why did you have to question me?
Where the fuck am I?
What the fuck's going on?
There's no where else to hide,
There's no where to hide,
Because my friends won't hide me.

Caveman,
I appreciate the concern,
But my parents kind of hate you now
And I really will never understand them.
And I would have taken it
Even if you
Weren't in the picture.
I'm over it.
But everyone seems to think they
Know exactly how I feel.

I got freaked out this morning.
My head is fucking hurting,
I don't what else to say,
Except for my motto:

What the fuck?
Oh, what the fuck is going on?

Can't Touch Me

I feel like everyone is having a mini
Atomic bomb explosion in their lives.
And there's me
And that One Guy,
Standing in what seems a fallout shelter.

But I want to be there for everyone.
But does that make me nice?
Or a pushover?
I don't know.
And I don't care.

I say that a lot,
But people never think I mean it.
I do.
I really truly do.
I don't care what people think.
As long as people are happy.
With some happiness leftover for myself.

Angels and Demons: A Movie Review

So I know I'm super religious and stuff, but I smart enough to notice that Dan Brown's books are fiction and therefore should not be taken so seriously, especially in a country where free speech is...well...free.

Anyway. It was a really good movie. Very fast paced and amazing, unlike the Da Vinci Code. That seemed to drag on and on and on for the hour after I thought the plot ended. But there were some things that were really funny. And others that were not.

Funny: how similar the new chick looked like the Da Vinci Code chick. They should have kept Naomi Watts. Also how easy it was to get everywhere in Rome. I do not remember the roads being so easy to navigate in Italy, considering how small they are.

Not so funny: how many people burned to death in that movie. Especially Ewan McGregor. Poor misguided priest dude who stupidly played victom. And blowing up the world with antimatter. That can't happen though.

Overall, I think I'd give it a 6 out of 10 on the imaginary scale.

Study Zombie

I need to get out of my house
More often.
My parents suck.
School's almost over though.
And One Guy is amazing =]

Something About a 95 Average Screams "Good Girl"

[In response to people's reactions when I tell them about my personal life. Most of this is exaggerated and meant to be funny. Enjoy!]

I've drank more alcohol
In one night that
Would've made you pass out.

I've hooked up with
Many more guys
Than you can probably dream up.
And it's all because I'm better than you.

I've got the grades
The extracurriculars
To get into most colleges I want.
If my academics label me a good girl,
Well I can prove that labels are only labels.

I walk down my street
And see you tripping balls on a corner.
I think I'm smarter than that.

I mean, I've never tried any of that shit,
But I'm happy of that fact.
Because I get high off life,
And that's not a euphemism for anything.

I've got the grades
The extracurriculars
To get into most colleges I want.
If my academics label me a good girl,
Well I can prove that labels are only labels.

Oreo Smoothie

I feel sad.
Not for myself
But for my friends.
I really want them
To be really happy,
But I think I'm failing miserably.

They're wonderful.
And I hope that they know that.

Papaya,
You make the cutest videos.
I'm sure if made more
You could be youtube-famous.

Poofy hair,
You're not as lively as you once were.
He's a stupid fuck
And you're a pretty, smart chick
So please go back to be being funny.

Fabulous,
You're awesome
And I wants you to be happy.

One Guy,
We'll meet up soon!
I don't know when...
But WE WILL!

Only In Heaven...Or Upstate NY

So I thought photoshop was magic,
Reality TV was magic (don't judge),
Weddings were magic,
But my life? No.

Yeah that's the last thing
I'd expect to have magic.
But I has magic now.
And it's magical.

And it's all cuz of this One Guy
And I really want all my friends
To experience the same kind of magic.
Cuz they are my friends
And they are the best...
Along with that One Guy.

Sex: The Revolution

It is such a good documentary.
Not because it's about sex.
It is a good documentary.

VH1 documentaries are generally good too.
The one about women in the
Hair metal generaion was good too.

Their top 40 specials are great too.

But you know what tops all that?
Spending a day out eating lunch
With my favorite girls
And then chilling the park
Taking silly pictures =]

Year Bullet Reflection

Top 10 Things That Rocked Junior Year:

1. Theology Class
2. Surviving Calculus
3. Bloc Party and Flogging Molly concerts
4. New friends
5. Frees with the Black and White Cookie
6. Parties
7. Cats's Sweet 16
8. Awesome score on the ACT the first time around
9. Befriending the freshmen
10. Discovering Brown

Top 10 Things That Sucked Junior Year:

1. Breaking up twice
2. Slipping in English and calculus in the middle of the year
3. Calculus AP test
4. All the random fights I've been getting into
5. All the work that had to be done the last week of school
6. Deaths of Nina, Kerry, and Irene
7. Christian Service with Mr. Blu
8. ???
9. ???
10. ???
    

It Doesn't END Does It?

I feel like this endless
String of senselessness
Is never going to end
Until this week does
When I'm stressed beyond
Rational thought because
My history research
Paper is crappy.

FML.

Little Girl

Little girl, little girl,
Your love is crying.
With no one to aim it towards,
It might be dying.

Is there no one
Left you feel is worth you?
Maybe it's cuz those other
Assholes hurt you.

There's nothing really
You can say...
Except how wonderful is it
That you made it to today.

No way.
No way.
My heart is searching.

Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

All I know
Is that I've been rejected.
For every leadership role
My school has to offer.

Maybe that's just not the thing for me.

Paralyzed

I'm so depressed.
I can't move.
I can't do anything.

I mean, I finished my
Theology paper.
I wrote about a line or two
Of my history paper.

That's okay.
There's always tomorrow.
I just gotta get it done before Friday.

I'm just giving up
So hard, it's paralyzing.
I don't know how to move.

Move on, move back,
I can't do any of that.
Even the guy that loves me
For the nothing I'm worth
Isn't really helping.

And I don't want to
Look for anyone new.
I don't want to get hurt again.
I don't want to know that they're
ALWAYS happy at my expense.

Everyone is always fucking happy at my expense.

Let's Put Nair In Their Shampoo (By Papaya)

Im sick of all these assholes breaking my friends hearts. There’s gotta be something I can do. I think we should get a team assembled- lets put nair in their shampoo

Lets put nair in their shampoo, put a camera in their shower so we can watch them pull out chunks of their own hair and then poo- themselves.

Lets put something they’re incredibly allergic to in their food, watch their faces blow up like balloons so they kinda look like chipmunks, then watch their parents frantically rush them to the hospital…. Maybe that one’s not such a great idea

Let’s hack their facebook, hack it yea, and send a message to every single one of their guy friends saying “I have something to confess to you, I’m gay and I’m in love with you, and I always have been”… hehe I like that one.

Lets call his parents house, say we’re the principle of his school, and he was caught outside with weed and crack and heroine and meth and E and other drugs… and he knocked up a teacher.

So Much For Best Day Ever

I have absolutely no energy in my mind to write this in poems because I'm so pissed off. I'm so silly. I'm a silly little girl with silly expectations of finding silly true love and stuff like that. Part of me feels like it won't happen to me. But another part of me feels like if I try hard enough it will.

But I want to stop trying. I almost want some like guy friend of mine to confess that he's been in love with me since we've met or some silly thing like that. And I know that the one guy who does is someone I'll turn down because I'm not attracted to them sexually.

It's so stupid. I wish I were blind something so that sexual attractiveness would not even have to matter. I do wear high-prescription glasses but I don't think that counts. But let's stop talking about the theoretical.

I am pissed off because I apparently did nothing wrong. I was doing everything right...apparently. And I just feel so retarded...so INADEQUATE. And I don't care if what I feel sounds stupid. Most people act stupid when they feel. And I obviously acted very stupid.

So maybe I should just stop fucking feeling to stop being stupid.

And I seriously feel like I'm asking for way too much. I want good grades, so I have them. Can I have them with a side of love? No. That's such a dumb idea. Why? I hasn't worked out. And I guess it might never.

So I'm just going to sit here and brood until I feel better. And Tila gave me SUCH a headache. Not even those friends are helping.

Goddammit.

Fun Stuff

Hanging out,
Talking,
Techno,
Guitar,
Violin,
Essays,
Boyfriend.

Yeah, I'm busy =]

Almost Done!

From 6 to 3.
But those three will suck.
Especially community service.
Because as much as I love Jesus
And helping people,
I am not helping anyone
Or Jesus
While writing an 800 word
Essay about the magnificence
Of Mohatma Ghandi
For a 1/4 credit course
That has a pass-fail grading system.

Fantastic.

Too Many Essays

I have
One (theology)
Two (history)
Three (theology again)
Four (calculus)
Five (another calculus)
Six (Spanish)

Essays to write by next Friday.

My life will suck until then.

Being Sick

It sucks the life out of my life.
Literally.

I have no energy, no real motivation
To do anything.

Wait...
That's every other day.

But I'm on so many medications
I'm tripping something weird.
Like the song "Obla-dee Obla-da"
Is stuck in my head.
And I don't even like the Beatles!
(Sorry to all who are offended by my personal taste).

Then there's time yesterday
I tried saying that Jesus
Was God's son in my theology notes.

I ended up saying that Jesus was
A gay's song.

That was pretty failsome.

One Down, One To Go

Sitting in a classroom,
Rows close enough to cheat
Off one another
Except everyone has a different test form,
This is the highlight of AP season.

Once I get passed that,
Everything is easy.

I turned to the first through
About seven pages.
That part was great.

It
Went
Downhill
From
There.

Free response?

Bombed that shit.

Oh well.
If I get a 1...
That will suck.
I'll be so happy with a 3.

Stress Eating And Asian Food

I've been eating a lot lately.
And I hate it.
But it's either suffer through hunger pangs
Or eat and they go away.
And I bet I gained about
All the inches around my waist
That I worked three solid months on losing
And somehow kept off.

It's funny how when I'm stressed
My body image gets hit hardest. =[

Victorian Dinner Parties

I am so tired.
To the point that I don't remember things.

And the things I remember
Are not really relevant
To the life that I have to live.

For example,
I was studying
For my calculus AP.
And then I found myself
In my bed at 7:30.
And then I woke up
And I was in a pretty frilly dress
With Cave-boo
At a Victorian dinner Party.

We danced and flirted
And drank fancy champagne
And hung out with people
Like Dorian Gray
And then I opened my eyes
And it was almost 8.

I sighed and I gasped.
I really need to keep studying.

"Nobody Ever Had A Dream 'Round Here"

I have that song by the Killers stuck
In my head.

I like doing things that release
Endorphins.

But it's the way I feel when they're released that
I don't really like.

I start getting really loopy and can't focus.
It's what being drunk would feel like.

I've never been drunk, so I can't compare the two.
I've never been high so I can't compare that either.

But being in this weird daze of happy
Feels pretty good.

But I have so much work to do. >.<

Fine Waste of Time

Studying for AP tests sucks.
You know what else sucks?
Waking up early
To go take a practice test
That you probably already took
And wasted 2 hours starting it.

It sucks.

Das Wetter

It's pouring outside.
Like pouring pain
And chaos
And other things you can pour.

And it's almost like the raging feelings
In my head.
Or maybe it's just
The hormones.

I like the feeling
And idea of being in love with someone.

But it's the repression
Of it that hurts.

I really want to let you know
That I love you.
And I know I remind you a million
Times a day.
And I know I think about you a million
Times a day.

But I feel really bad talking about it,
Because of the company I'm in.
For their sake.

I don't want to feel like the reason
For people thinking unhappy thoughts.
That just makes me a shoddy person.

But I know I love you.

A Little Taste of How Horny I Am [Sorta like No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand]

Fuck me.
Pull your boxers down and
Fuck me.

Fuck me out of my mind
So sweetly.
Sweet me with your words
So nicely.
Romance with some songs
So crisply.

Oh you know
You know that yes I love
I MEAN I
...
Well yeah I really love you.

Oh you, boy, will never get
Oh no you boy will never get
No you boy won't ever get
How make your girl feel.

Sometimes I think the perviest
Things...I think, I mean I...
Think the horniest things.

Baby,
Your so sexy
I can't help me.
Help me
From thinking horny thoughts
About thee.

Oh you know you know you
That yes I love,
But I really
Want to make love to you.

Kayleighsita [Song for My Best Friend]

Sometimes life just goes where we
Don't want it to be,
Kind of like falling asleep
And going three stops too far.

But it's those times when you see
Everything as a dream
You don't know right from left
Or up from down...
Wait, that's me on a normal day.

I digress and return to you
My ailing friend with broken heart
And enough kleenex to kill all the trees.

Don't worry
I will hold your head high
Even though you want to cry.

Kayleighsita,
It'll all be okay.
Don't worry it'll be fine.

I think that you just need some time
For yourself and for your tears and ugly thoughts and ugly fears.
I will soon become just a bad memory
And nothing more than a dream.

You were
There for me when I was sad.
But I'll be there for you now.

Kayleighsita,
Don't stop crying.
Wait until you feel all right.

My theory is you need to be upset
At least just for a little while
To get all the ugliness out.
So that the prettiness could shine.

Because really...
You are quite fantastic.
I want to see you smile.

Kayleighsita,
You're my friend.
And I don't want
To see you sad.

Just please please cry
Until you don't need to cry.

Fastest Day Ever

I don't remember much from today.
Almost as if I was sleeping.
The only thing really waltzing in my brain is:
"But not just sex. Let's really make love."

And Star Trek.
And Obsessed.
And various movie websites.

Sound familiar, babe?

My Favorite Friends [Song I Made Up This Morning In The Shower]

I love Tila.
She's the best friend that I ever had.
She fun one-on-one
And She's fun when with friends.
And I want to do her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend Johnnie.
He's the coolest guy around.
He's wears many different outfits
And when he wears red
He is so fucking sexy.

Johnnie's cousin Jack.
He's always wearing black.
It's super flattering and it
Makes him so hot.
Oh my God, I want a threesome.

These are my fruity friends.
They are the most loyal people.
They're fun one-on-one and
Fun when with people
I never knew people so real.

Sad little Ginny.
She usually sits at home by herself.
But she's the greatest tutor ever.
She's helped me with English
And she got me through history.
She should be much happier.

My parents don't like my friends.
And it's probably the bad influence
They have.
They make other people be stupid
But they make me feel smart.
They are so awesome.

Jack and Johnnie are best party dates ever.
They are pretty popular.
Everyone likes them
And their other friends too.
They party super hard.

These are my fruity friends.
They're sometimes quite flaming.
But they make everything better
And make parties for fun.
I really miss them.

Ever Have Those Nights?

Ok, so, I might not have lasted passed the 8th grade.
And there are times I wonder:

Why am I still here?

I get so unhappy sometimes...
Okay, not unhappy.
Just really freaking upset sometimes.

I just got off the phone with him.
And I know he didn't mean it the way
It came out.
But it's just...

Fucking Christ, why am I always the one left?

Here it comes again...

Sick freaking puppy.

But just like that one song by Fall Out Boy,
I cannot blame my issues on the world.
It just starts sounding really monotonous.
And I can't blame all my issues on me either.
(Not my fault my friends are sort of being really weird).
Or is it?

I'm like the kids in "Mister Misfortune."
I'm licking my scars, not caused by straighteners,
But by freaking everything.

I'm just so upset.

Longest Night Ever

When you see your child in obvious pain
All night,
Would you just SIT there
And watch and do nothing besides rub
Her tummy and back?

When your child is roaring at you
All morning
Would you just STAND there
And act as if nothing is wrong?

Parents--

This is what NORMAL people do.
They take their kid to the doctor.
And not to the doctor 45 minutes away in fucking Greenpoint.
I had a rock in my throat most of the night.
My stomach felt like it was going to explode
As if there was a face-sucker in it.
My chest is so tight right now
I cannot even get out of bed.

And I'm missing school.
All because you just sat there and didn't go
To the pharmacy for fear that I'd get even more sick.
Good concern, but if the meds made me sick
We'd know WHY I'm even more sick in the place.
And now I'll definitely have a DBQ or something due
Monday that I don't know about
So it gets postponed for me to Tuesday.
I probably have a test on Monday
On stuff we learned today.

And it's all because you sat there all night.
Thanks a fucking lot.

Last Night [I Composed a Bass Part]

I woke up last night in the
Middle of a dream
Wondering "How the hell I'd end up here?"

I looked out the ballroom window
And there your hand was
And I wondered how the hell you're
Out there.

I like to think that my dreams are so profound
But really they're just some random sounds.

Like a discontinued chorus
Taken completely out of context
In a horrible remix of
My favorite rock song.

I sat up and went to see you hand
But there really wasn't any body there.

So I looked at it and cried
And I realized that there was no one there.

Oh how...
I miss days
When I didn't have to wake up
And wonder if I am dreaming.

Oh how...
I want to
Go back to freshman year
And start up again.

But I know I can't.
And I also know that
Getting a nom won't happen,
Just because I'm not at a place where I belong.

In guidance class we were watching a movie
About death and fear and restraint and what
Links them all.

I would never ever ever
Want to
Never ever ever
Want to
Watch some segments of my life.

But then...
I hear songs
That have really painful images attached.

But then...
I see pics
Of images I never want to relive.

I am difficult.
I am annoying.
And that's what brought here in the first place.

And I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to be
Such a bitch to you earlier today.

Strangely Fatigued

Today is just one of those days
When I crashed so hard
I just kind of what to be like the chick
in The Ring video who just stands there
At the mirror, monotonously pulling
At her hair with a hairbrush.

I don't feel like studying,
Even though I want to get like a 90
In English class.

I don't feel like starting my short story
Even though the idea is brilliant.

I don't feel like doing my physics paper
Even though the teacher won't be there
Tomorrow.

I don't feel like going to school tomorrow
Even though there's voting for student government.

I'm so unmotivated,
That sleep doesn't even sound appealing.

"Do It Now, Lick It Good"

I find the strangest solace in completely perverted music.
Or songs with catchy beats
Sung by really hot women
With clipped poetic rhythms.
Like that Lady GaGa song Poker Face.
It is incredibly catchy.

I also have the calmest thoughts thinking about strippers.
Like, they are probably the epitome of female beauty.
Not models or over-photoshopped MySpace kids.
They have nothing to hide behind.
And all people drool over them.
I wish I could be like that.
But I think to some people I already am.

And that's solace enough.

"Turn Off the Lights and Turn Off the Shyness"

Ever felt so strongly about someone
You just want to do everything with them?
Take them everywhere?
Stand on top of a building and shout that you love them?
Or you just want to make them something
So totally awesome and silly just to see if
They'll smile?
Or you can't even get through an hour without
Thinking about them?

Once on THIS Island

I'm not referring to the musical.
Well, I sort of am.
Considering I saw it yesterday
With Cave-boo...
Well I saw half of it with Cave-boo,
The other half with Ellewoods and her friend.
It was ridiculously cute!

But once on this island,
The island I grew up on,
There was a girl
And there commuted a boy.

They had many silly times.
Many romantic times.
And many odd times.

But it's all worth it.

Considering this is the island
Of big dreams.
Where small-town people could potentially
Become millionaires
And where hopeless can find some shining ray of hope.

Drinking Holiday

Two words that don't belong in the same sentence together.

Holy implies a sense of the sacred.
Day usually means when it's bright out.

But drinks are associated with the divine, right?
Jesus drank wine.
Religious services usually involve some form of wine.

And some Jewish holidays take place at around sundown.
Which is definitely not daytime.

Happy and Monday are also two words
That don't belong together in the same sentence.

But you which two words do?

Me and you.

"DID YOU EVA RAAAAPE SOMEONE?"

[aka Why I Should Be A Peer Leader At My School]

I am a very kind,
Loving, caring,
And affectionate person.

I like helping people,
People can relate to me.

I can be a leader
Without being intimidating
Or overbearing.
I can make people laugh
Even though I'm being serious.

I think
That I rock =]

The Next Lucy

[Inspired by Dracula]

Lying awake at one in the morning,
The only thing thought of is blood,
Blood rushing through veins,
Blood causing much heat,
Blood inspiring friction.

Blood comes from the heart,
It comes toward the heart.
But it could come from other places
As well, at the thought of certain people,
The want of certain things,
The disdain of certain things.

But never from the indifference
Towards certain things.

At one o'clock in the morning,
The air swirls with a mist caused by
The pumping blood. Almost like a dream,
But not quite...
Until waking up six or seven hours later
With a feeling of elatedness that could not
Have been a dream
But that could not have been real as well.

I Am Pissed...No Sugarcoating

Woke up this morning, feeling drab.
Only went to school because of the test I had.
Half-heartedly ate my breakfast
I'm pretty sure that it couldn't last.
In my head, my own voice screaming,
"HELP! I really just wish I was dreaming."

I didn't want to wake up this Tuesday.
Why can't?
Why can't? Why can't?
It just be Friday.

I went to assembly,
Hoping there'd be no more stupid new age prayers.
Luckily there weren't, but I found out
That my English teacher was not there.
Yet I still had to go and take my English test.
Kids who shouldn't wake up
Are zombies in the day.
Jesus, Poofy, did you have to stay at home?

Later that day, I went to see the Guidance Counselor.
I told her my problems and the some recent drama that went on.
I might have an eating disorder, I hate half the people I know.
You're all available but when I really don't need you all.

I didn't want to wake up this Tuesday.
Why can't?
Why can't? Why can't?
It just be Friday.

Then it turns out that I have about 5 or 6 free periods.
Really boring, especially when you have no work to do.
I wish I could just eat and eat and eat some more.
But my stomach kept tricking me, so I assumed I was bored.

Tonight will be my second night without a proper dinner
To be had. Not because my mom fucked up.
It's because the timing wasn't right.
And being hungry just makes me more easily ticked off.

Caught Me Living In A Dream

I feel like I'm going through a daze
Half the time I'm talking to Cave-boo.
He's like everything I asked for...
Well, except for the distance thing,
But we make it work.

Speaking of dazes,
I have no idea what's going on in school.
My physics teacher is loony.
I have this massive AP US research paper
Due I have no idea when.
I have AP exams slowly coming up
And nipping me in the ass.
And I just feel remarkably disconnected.

It's so bizarre.

Amused

I love how after about three weeks
Of dieting combined with cardio workouts
Gave me fewer results that resorting back
To the fantabulous workouts recommended
By Josh Hillis.

After a day,
I already see improvement.
Even though all the food today sort of killed it.

I like semi-buffet-style eating.
Lots of food laid out
And you can pick whatever you want.
The deli food is also delicious.

I sort of can't wait to go swimsuit shopping.
It's kind of exciting being semi-not-afraid to show off
What you have to the world.

Just like in my answer to the
"Why don't you jump in the pool
While you're mysteriously naked" dream question:
People need something gloriously imperfect
To marvel at.

A Year

A Year ago...
I was stupid.
I was broken.
I was naiive.
I flipped over my grades.

A Year later...
I'm a little smarter because of it.
I'm still somewhat broken.
I like to think I'm a little more sophisticated.
I don't give a shit about the number.

A Year ago...
I had My Best Friend.
I had Poofy Hair.
I had PBD.
I had Skinny.

A Year later...
I have Cave-boo.
I have Poofy Hair.
I have Papaya.
I have Just Fabulous.
I have Black&White Cookie.
I have Theater.
I have Jamaica.

A lot has changed in a Year.
But you still have the same old bad attitude.
Well, with a larger touch of asshole.
And a bigger heart.

Keeping My Mind Off Good Friday

Today I watch Penelope.
It is an incredible movie.
I'm not going to spoil anything.
But is so good.

I should probably do some homework too.
But I'm sort of hungry.
But I ate breakfast like 2 hours ago.
But...I should stop making excuses.

I'm going to go do my homework.
And call mein freund later.

Krod Mandoon

This show is probably
The best new comedy central thing
Since Dimitri Martin.

It is such a good show.
And it's really ridiculous.
Think Lord of the Rings crossed
With Knights of the Round Table
With a sprinkling of Black & White Cookie humor.

It's great.

Today

I'm not going to sit around
And bash the Jesuits.
They are good people.

But somethings annoy really
Conservative Catholics like me
Who think life was better when it was
Still really exciting to be Christian.

Today I was at reconciliation service.
And in the reflection, we had to put
Ourselves in the shoes of the people involved
Other than Jesus.

I didn't like that.
It seems a bit silly, considering
Words were put into the people's mouths.

Speaking of putting words in people's mouths,
Our physics teacher might not be coming back.

That means no physics class until the end of the year.
That's NOT GOOD.

How To Make Yourself Feel Inferior to Everyone You Know

Step 1: Take an SAT practice and go to an SAT course

Step 2: Freak out for days prior to the SAT

Step 3: Take the SAT

Step 4: Feel awful after that

Step 5: Get SAT Scores

Step 6: Check on every college admissions calculator

Step 7: Find out that even with early decision, you probably won't even remotely get in

Story of my life.
Moral: Not accepted ANYWHERE.
I'd prolly kill to be accepted somewhere...

School

There's drama every freaking week.
I can't really complain though.
I don't have to go to this "volunteering
At school" thing I have to go to once every
Six days in a cycle.

Today was calm.
I chilled with the Black&White Cookie
And sent Cave-boo a few texts
And repeated some funny jokes
Cave-boo said.

Theology class might kill my average this quarter
So I'm planning to change that.

And soon I'll be taking an AP Spanish
Placement test...

That will suck.

What's Your Favorite Color?

I hope he gets fired soon,
So that we won't have to deal
With that buffoon
In physics class.

When that happens I'll be
Relieved considering I'll learn
Something new and return to
Normality.

He asked us what our favorite colors were.
The kids had no response. We'd rather
Sit around and stare at beakers
Than deal with this shit everyday.

Speaking of science and chemistry
Why can't I be one of those kids
Who are always skinny?
It's rather annoying.

Considering I've spent like three blog
Entries bitching about my weight
Kind of like a watchdog
In the early AM, when people come
Who shouldn't be there.

I don't know what else to clarify.

That's when I ended up finishing
My Spanish essay about an hour early
About a girl in a movie
Who doesn't see the difference between
Reality and fantasy.

Tomorrow I take
The placement test
I hope I don't fail
And actually pass.

Kind of like in English class when
The Hobbit gives us quizzes
On obscure details no one
Cares about.

Academics have to die soon.
I never thought I'd say this,
But I want summer.

The Trouble With Buying Colors

I have made it a personal fashion goal
To stop buying so much black clothing.
Because pretty people wear colors.
And colors are fun.
Especially blue purple and green.

But the hard part:
Making it all look half-decent together.
Does purple go with turquoise?
I tried on my teal shorts today with this purple
Shirt I own and it sort of looked good together.

Wearing black and jeans all the time is easy.
You throw on a black shirt.
You throw on the same pair of jeans.
DONE.

But I think that taking care of myself
Is a positive action.
Don't you?

Pillow Fights and Emotional Brawls

Why is there so much on my mind?
It's starting to get really annoying
And is hindering me from having fun.

I'm hitting all new lows with demotivation.
I didn't realize I horrifically faux pas'ed today
Wearing denim on denim. I'm usually very attune to that stuff.

I feel bad for Cave-boo though.
My parents are strict, we live far from each other,
And he has a really broken girl.

I just hope I start feeling better eventually.
Well not eventually.
Sometime really soon.

My stomach is suffering and so are my grades (sort of).
So dear whoever is out there,
Relieve this throbbing toothache of the mind.

Things You Don't Say To People

When someone's trying really hard
To lose weight, the LAST thing
You tell is:
"You look the same as you did."

It just makes us people who can't complain
When/ if they weigh 118 pounds to work out harder
Eat less, and get more and more frustrated
With themselves.

I would love for just one summer:

To actually want to go to the beach
And not hate every second of it
Because I know I don't look good in swimwear.

To actually wear a pair short shorts without
Pairing them with a sweatshirt because of what
Tank tops do to my body when paired with short shorts.

To actually have people looking at me with
A good impression and not "Holy shit, what the fuck
Is she thinking?"

To actually be able to show some skin
Without worrying that I'm going to make
Someone have horrific images.

I love how when I'm depressed,
My body gets hit hardest with the bad feelings.
I just start getting antisocial because no one listens.

When I'm like "ugh I'm in a bad mood"
Somehow that usually gets translated
Into "hey let me vent to you."
And then I realize that whatever that person has
To vent about is worse than whatever is wrong
With me so I end up ignoring me until I get home.
And that's when it gets to the point when I'm upset
And have no clue why, so I try justifying it.

I'm guessing the really recent weight failure contributed,
The English class failure,
The distance I feel from everyone,
And the weird crap that's going on with my teachers.

No More Brooding

I think I'm going to turn the blog's focus
Away from how crappy I've been feeling.

But I am still feeling quite crappy. I mean,
I'm not eating enough.
I've made jokes about it.
But I'm not eating enough lately.

I don't even know what it is.
It could be the stressed, but I usually
Overeat because of stress.

But whatever.

There was a thunderstorm a few nights ago.
Those are the coolest things ever.
The lightning flashes from

One side of the sky

To the other

And back again.

The rain is usually really warm during one.
There's nothing like the feeling of
Warm summer rain on your skin.
Except when it wets you clothes.
That's a bit uncomfy.

Wow, I'm Feeling Hopeless

As everyone who knows me knows,
I am almost never obvious about
Whether or not something is bothering me.

Part of me wishes I was, but my
Lack of pride doesn't want to be
Known as a drama queen.

But it's just...

I don't even know.
I'm just horrifically down and energyless.

Maybe it's my sore throat and
My body image and
The recent school drama and
My academic fail and
Other crap.

Like, I honestly just want to crawl under
My covers with one of my stuffed animals,
In my pj's and stay there.

I think I might be slipping slowly into
A down.
Which is unusual, considering crashes happen
Randomly and over the stupidest crap.

I think it's because of my jealousy of people.
I'm such a closed person.
As stated earlier, if something's wrong,
90% chance you won't know it.
I see some of my friends and they
Can practically look at each other and
Know what the other is thinking.
I wish I had that kind of closeness.
I also watch the various groups of friends
All share ideas and agree and stuff like that.
I want to know what it's like to be part of
Something or to belong somewhere.

Which is why I like relationships.
I feel like I belong somewhere,
Be it in someone's arms or in someone's heart.
And all I want now is that closeness, where it's like:

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yep."

Really?

And adults thought the 80's were crazy.
Seems like there's nothing like
Straightforwardness in the world anymore.

All this behind-the-back internet stabbing.
Really? Calling someone out on their wall
For everyone to read and not expecting
To get in trouble for it?
Really?

Using my ability to quote reality TV,
Like Frank the Entertainer said,
"I show my true colors. They might not
Be very bright, but I show my fucking
True colors."
One way to do that is to be straight up
And not cause drama surrounding a wall post.
If someone is giving you that much
Trouble, just freaking tell them about it.

Oh and to clarify a few things
That people have said to me in
The passed few days:

~No, my boyfriend isn't egotistical. Just because he is trying to be the best guy ever doesn't mean he has an ego issue.
~Yes, he is Jewish, but that doesn't mean he killed Jesus.
~No, OBVIOUSLY my boyfriend isn't fucking gay! I love gay people and I love my boyfriend, but that doesn't mean he's gay.

Yet Another Letter

Dear Poofy Hair,

You are not being clingy.
Clingy is when you can't go through
Like an hour without being with or contacting that person.
Clingy is where they go to the corner
And you're screaming about where the hell have they been.
When you text them every five seconds about
Who they're with
Where they are
And why you're not invited to that party.

You're
Not
Clingy.

Honestly, I'd be a little concerned
If you were all "lol whatever" about it.

Because everyone hates feeling ignored.
Clingy has nothing to do with that.
And like I said earlier,
TU NO ESTAS CLINGY!

I wish I had some sane advice to offer.
So I shall offer my insane advice and maybe
It'll cheer you up a bit.
You can stalk him to school.
Randomly show up at his house.
You could give him a wall post being
"Hey what's up?
We haven't talked in forever."

Oh and about the hanging up-ness...
Don't feel like you're being ridiculous just
Because me and Cave-boo see each other half as
Often as you and Michael saw each other.
It's like when you're absent from school
And we don't see each other everyday:
It's just weird.
So don't get hung up over that.

Much love hugs and face-licks,
Joanna

I Hate Being a Girl Sometimes (Rant)

So most people define a body image disorder as a condition where a perfectly healthy, physically fine-looking girl envisions herself as being grossly overweight and then proceeds to get into anorexia, bulimia, or some other eating disorder in order to look what her mind envisions as being thin and perfect.

My situation is the opposite.

I tend to envision myself as someone with the body of say Jessica Biel and on, what I call, pretty days I feel like I look that way so I'm a totally egotistic asshole because I feel so fucking hot. But then I go shopping, look into the mirror and then my image of myself is totally shattered and goes to the complete opposite.

So it's a roller coaster ride between me thinking I'm really hot and me feeling like a total fatass. Well, I'm not a fat ass--I actually have a really nice ass. Try more like...round-belly. Yeah, that's more like it. I feel like I'm a total pear-shape: all the fat I accumulate disgustingly goes to my stomach and ass and thighs and I bulge out like a water balloon. I know that's not true.

That's the truly pathetic part: I know I probably look fine. I know there are people that want to do me. I know that there are girls who want my body. And for some stupid reason my own HEAD can't see that either. And it's usually especially around my time of the month. Because I bloat a lot.

The other thing is: I need to come face to face with the reality that I'll never be pencil skinny. You know, the girls that can wear everything except for that tiny denomination of "curvy girls" clothing. On second thought, I've come to that realization already. I'm just stupid and immature sometimes.

Like, whenever I go shopping, I need someone with me. Someone who can objectively look at me and say that whatever I'm trying on looks great/ fine/ there's probably better stuff out there for me to wear. Because I can't do that for myself. And it is really sad. Like, the pair of shorts I bought? On normal days, they look great on me. On days like these? Nothing does. Not even body-hiding sweat clothes.

A Short Letter

Dear Aunt Flo,

I hate you.
So much.

Thanks for nothing.
I don't need the following things:

~Mood swings
~Bad body image
~Bloating
~Overeating spurts
~Followed by overexercising spurts.

Take me off your send list.
Please?

Sincerely,
Me

Procrastination

The Sims 2 is just too much fun.
My multi-racial family
Just had a set of twins.
But hopefully no one will die
Of needs failure, since there
Are four adults in the house to
Take care of the kids.

It's too much fun.
And I have ten chapters of
Theology homework to finish.

Go me!

Excitement

Ever get that feeling
That you're so excited to see
Someone that everything
You do before you see them
Revolves around them?

That silly little
Feeling when your stomach
Does somersaults
And back flips
And front flips
And side flips
And hand stands
While your heart is pounding away a mile a minute?

The thoughts you get
When someone only mentions the
Person's name and
Even if it has nothing to
Do with them, your mind
Flocks to happy, silly thoughts
Of them?

I can't wait to take my
Camera and capture the happy,
Silly moments today.
Between the fried chicken,
The waffles, South Park, the snuggling,
And just the general feeling of happiness
All around.