New Moon (M.R.)

Image courtesy of Twimamas
Twilight Saga: New Moon...in status updates!  No way does this deserve a legit review.

"Why does showing the logo take up the first minute of the film?"

"How high is she?  Last time I ran through the streets of Italy, I didn't wind up in a field of daisies with my bf there sparkling.  (For the record, my bf doesn't sparkle.  Or exist.)  (Hers doesn't exist either.)"

"They are not kidding when they say he sparkles.  There goes my eye sight."

"Bella does NOT age well.  Just sayin'."

"OH HO HO HO.  You're so clever, papa Swann.  And random dorky friends."

"Does she know that laughing is acceptable during jokes?"

"The mullet has never looked good on anyone.  Even if you have biceps.  You know who else has biceps AND a mullet?  Hulk Hogan."

"You can give him...YOUR VIRGINITY.  Oh yeah, I went there."

"Some people are crying...what saps.  My school doesn't let us snuggle during in-class movies!"

"People were not joking about the massive amount of dramatic pauses."

"Show me the love = let's stand together and scowl.  I didn't know this movie took place at a hipster concert."

"DUDE NO ONE is that calm when being hurled into a table, or when they're getting stitches."

"You can't protect me.  CLEARLY.  His relative just hurled her into a table and he didn't do anything.  Great job, nonexistant vampire boyfriend."

"I guess when you haven't gotten any in 109 years, a makeout session can lead to jizzing."

"Don't be so dramatic.  He's only going away for a little while.  You can go on with your life without me.  That sounds rational.  Until they start talking about their souls and shit.  Way to take soul mates to such a literal level."

"You sat in your chair.  For a few months.  My God.  You got some shitty friends.  At least your dad cares :D"

"All the people in this movie are so articulate.  Like, seriously."

"Jacob kind of looks like a wolf.  That's hilarious."

"...holy shit.  This movie is Romeo and Juliet featuring the inarticulate.  I'm done.  I am done."

Rating: 3/10

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