Sitting

I think I'll always be a sitting girl.
One who sits and thinks and reflects
And thinks and sits.

I realized last night
That dwelling on what's ideal
What you'd ideally want
Is stupid.

It never works out the way
You want it to.
And the more you compare what
You've got right now
To what you've seemingly
Always wanted, you're not
Going to be happy.

You're just going to be disappointed.
I mean,
I always think about what I want
To happen.

Here are the things I've realized:
I'm the person who almost
Never lucks out and is rarely
The exception to rules.
I have to work for everything.

Didn't study one night and
Have a test first period?
Bound to not do well.
Not bound to magically
Do incredibly.

The more I can vividly picture
Something happening,
The more unlikely it is.

I've learned that going
Into things with no expectations
Just makes it that much better.

Like Kairos.
I had zero expectations.
I wasn't expecting it to be
Amazing.
But I wasn't expecting it to be
Horrible.
And it wound up being one
Of the most healing experiences so far.

So I think I should go on
Just not having expectations.

The surprises are always nice.
I like surprises.