And So It Was...

Scott and I broke up last night and I have received an influx of "OMG WTF BBQ?!" and "Are you okay?" and "what happened?" Honestly, I was so that life does not get too hard on either of us if we stay together in these cycles of blah and happy. So we decided to become friends.

And it is remarkably easy.

It is funny though, he still makes me really happy, but maybe that is because Scott was my boyfriend in addition to my best friend. So I guess that is what I need to be looking for in my next boyfriend, which probably will not be for a while.

I have been getting some negative attention from guys. I have lost many inches from my waist, so my boobs appear bigger and that is one of the things guys just look at when talking to me. There is also my smarts: some people only talk to me about school or to get answers or to get notes. I am trying not to be as much of a pushover about it this year, but it is really hard. I just cannot be a bitch when it comes to helping people. I am probably going to end up being one of those people on What Not To Wear who dress poorly because they do not get enough "me-time."

Whatever. I have the greatest best guy friend in the world. So I am doing fine.

Field Day 2008

Friendship is a really interesting topic. People are interesting too. Yesterday, I hung out with the peopl in the picture to my left and with others, mostly freshman and sophomores. You probably think that I must be a lame junior since I hung out with them, but really, I had more fun there than with my classmates.

We tackled each other, danced to music, talked about random stuff, made pyramids, attempted at playing chicken on land, attempted a game of marco polo, and other random fun stuff. I had so much and I barely know the kids I hung out with. In school, either our schedules prevent us from talking or the people we usually spend time with keep us occupied. But it was nevertheless fun.

I want to get to know those guys better. I mean, they have to be pretty awesome if you can have so much fun with barely knowing each other and having all these stupid jokes, like Jay being everyone's mutual boyfriend and getting dumped every minute every day by one of us *laughs out loud*. But it was awesome, just like in freshman year when I was friends with many of my classmates before things sort of fell apart.

But who cares? College is coming anyway. New opportunities to meet new people. And I have decided to go to a college where most people are smarter than I am . I feel like people just do not approach me because I am smart girl who happens to be pretty. So that is one of the reasons why I am shooting for an Ivy school. DOUBTFUL that I will get in, but true losers do not even try. And I am going to try.

Rich People And Their Big Houses...

I dislike Aram. Aram, you SUCK! No, just kidding, haha. I am just simply jealous of your house. I am jealous of Scott's old New York penthouse too...but that one is about half the size of Aram's house. His refrigerator is like the size of my kitchen and his kitchen is the size of my living room...maybe even bigger. I want a house like that where I can have my own room and stuff.

When I grow up, I want to be rich. But not in the "oh my gosh, I sit around and do nothing all day and just earn money because my husband made a name for himself." No, I want to work for it. I do not really want to go into business because it is an unstable job. Look at the economy and all the business-related jobs being lost. Um, yeah.

I really like genetics and chemistry. Telejournalism seems interesting too, but I am not outgoing enough to start that. Although, I do want to help people through science and stuff, but not really become a doctor (medical school sounds SO daunting). I want to become a nutritionist since I am very health-aware and I want to help other people become aware of what they eat, how they eat, and how often.

Jeez, I am not even a senior yet and I am already planning for college majors and stuff. I know one thing: due to horrible passed experiences with history classes, no more history for me =]

Deep Conversions in a State Deep Conversations Should Not Be Possible

It did not really feel any different. I felt fine. I talked to my boyfriend yesterday after spending some 5-odd hours with K. First we had dinner with her friend, Ariah, and then we sat at her house drinking a bit while watching TV and talking. And then, when I got home, my parents interogated me about drinking alcohol, but I dismissed it. Until I started talking to Scott. He was teasing me about being buzzed, but whatever. I was fine.

Anyway, onto the bulk of this entry. I did not people get so deep and meaningful while depressants are running through their veins. I guess it sort of forces you to stop, slow down, and actually think about what you are going to say. I am not saying take a few shots before telling your parents that you are pregnant or breaking up with your boyfriend or telling your friend that you do not want to be their friend anymore. But it was interesting to say the least.

Everything I told Kayleigh, probably would not have been. I usually do not tell most people about my various, bullshit crises. I am recently undergoing a religious crisis, but I do not know exactly what the issue is. Scott suggests I am becoming agnostic, but I have no idea. I do not know much recently. It is really weird. Not going to go into it on my blog because some family friend's kid spreads gossip about me that my mom does not even know about. And I kind of want my parents to know after I know what the issue is.

We talked about ex-boyfriends and stuff. Current emotional ruts. Everything that is borderline depressing. I feel like if a log of that conversation went into a novel, people reading it might be in tears. It was stuff that I could not talk to my best friend of almost six years about. I told Scott basically about what went on, and we had a similar conversation (but we usually have those conversations when I am crying hysterically due to a crash).

I think what I learned from last night is that I have two true friends. =]

I'm So Lost at Home...

There are days that I can't wait to go home. There are days when I wish I could stay at school all day. Now they sort of blend sometimes. Where I do not want to go anywhere because there is simply no where to go.



Like Friday. I sort of wandered for forty-five minutes. I did not know if I wanted to chill with people who did not like me or if I wanted to chill by myself, so I did. So I texted my boyfriend. And he was busy. Two of my close friends were in JUG (Jesuit school equivalent of detention), which really sucked. So I wandered around. I did not know if I wanted to go to the bus to go home, so I sort of walked eastward and subconciously started heading in the direction of Scott's house. I stopped myself and got all sad. He does not live there anymore. He is too busy in college where it is way too freaking expensive to see me, so he does not. There are random in which it really hits me. Like at that moment when I had no one to hang out with or talk to.

And I am deciding that I am going to stop caring about all my bullshit friend problems. People give me shit for it and I do not really know if the people giving me issues because of how they treat other people is really affecting them. And you know what? Fuck them. All I know is that no one deserves to be treated the way they treat other people. NO ONE.

First Tests and My Weight (Two Things I Can Never Really Succeed In)

Well...that was a bit of a fiasco. But not as much of a fiasco as last year.

First AP History test last year was an 80. This year, it was a 93. I was sort of happy, but OF COURSE, my too-demanding mother thought I failed at life. First math test last year, I got something in the 80s. This year, it was an 86. First English test last year, 85. This year, 92. First science test, 92. First science quiz-test thing, 100. Obviously something has changed. Perhaps my learning habits or something like that. I have no idea. But I feel like I am burning out. Oh well, as long as I am still doing well by Christmas, I will be okay.

Now, my weight. How much more do people want?! I have lost four or five inches off my waist, my fat percentage went down about a percent. I am really scared of getting any smaller, my ribs are already showing and so are hip bones. I do not look fat. Yet I am somehow ten pounds overweight. Losing weight is just really hard. I workout everyday, I do not eat junk food, and I maintain a constant weight of 140-142 pounds. I only reached 139 about a month ago but that was when I was barely eating and playing tennis eight hours a day. Ugh, I think I am healthy, I do not get sick often, maybe once or twice a year. Well standards of weight are not going to change anytime soon. So whatever.

Why I Hate and Love People

Hate People: They flake...A LOT! I get so annoyed with them sometimes, it makes me cry and say things that I definitely do not mean. For example, I am refusing to talk to some of my friends because they all ditched me Friday night. Um, yeah that really sucks and it makes you feel like shit. And some people, are fakes. They pretend to be your friend just to get something out of you--like an awesome study for a class. I am worth more than that. I do not just sit around and study all day. On the contrary, I actually hate sitting around and studying all day. But that is exactly what an 97.6 average and glasses means. I am much sexier than that, seeing as I watch fashion shows religiously to make sure I do not look like a nerd. Some people are liars too. They date people with no intention of having it last as long as possible and therefore, take a gander at other people and think about getting together with them. That is so wrong. Usually, the guy is more than genuine and doing that is called being a bitch.

Love People: They wait for you on street corners and do crazy things with you. Like drink while watching Little Miss Sunshine and grinding with you along to "Super Freak." That was the best night ever. The drinking was a little disappointing, since I never drank before, so I assumed I would be gone by 2 shots of hard liquor. I was perfectly fine after 3.5 shots and beer. My friend who was with me was out of it after a shot and a beer. But it was fun, to say the least. And then I chilled with my other friend who, though she was an hour late, showed up. And we had fun trying to pronounce German and trying on ridiculous clothes. My friends mean a lot to me. And friendship is a two-street. Unfortunately, most people are unaware of that and therefore need to get slapped across the face with karma.

First Days Back

They were...meh. Well, nah, I really should not say that. I have somewhere between a 90 and a 100 average in everything because I actually do my homework and stuff because I am dilligent like that. Friend-wise, it is fantastic, I guess. I chat more in class nowadays too because frees are for homework and I tend to space out socially while doing that...unless I am chatting online.

So, I ended last year tied for second place in the class and on the first honors roll. Yeah, I will not go further into my study habits or intelligence because frankly, I have no idea how that happened, considering how rough last year started.

This year, junior year, started off rather smoothly. I am not stressed out yet, no one is giving me any trouble so far...well, except for my best friends who keep flaking on me on Fridays. It is very annoying and I really want to get down on the issue. Well, yesterday it rained a lot, so I can see why hanging out would be a little inconvenient. Oh well.

Now I have new friends, so I can expand my circle of people to hang out with. Except I do not really have the courage to ask for new people's phone numbers, let alone to hang out. I really feel uncomfortable calling someone if I have not known them very long, does not matter if there is a crisis.

The classes are allright. I mean, I cannot complain...except for physics. The teacher drones on and on and on and it is really hard to focus on what he is saying without being so annoying by the way he is saying it! Speech class should be fun, considering it is really interactive and stuff. So far, I have to write an introduction about my friend as if we got together 10 years after graduation. That should be fun.

I wonder what else this year holds for me...

Depression Hurts

Um...like no shit, it does. I am apologizing in advance for every profanity spoken in this entry. Well, I mean, people cannot function when they are depressed. Plain and simple.

I have not gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. Either I had to be up early (on tour) or I do not fall asleep until 2 A.M. or I get nightmares during the night. It really hurts. And now, there is some form of subconscious anorexia or something going on, because I cannot eat. I have a slice of toast with a slice of tomato and I am full. I try eating another one, and I get heartburn. I really sucks. And I don't want to get all the complications related to not eating enough. But I am eating a balanced diet...whatever, it is still scary.

I guess they just say stuff like "Where does depression hurt?" just to give the people who have never had it some verbal idea of what it is like. They even show people with really emo expressions on their faces. Well, with the people I know, it's a slew of "I'm fine's" until they give up on you. Until you're like "shit, I am alone."

The loneliness is the worst. You have no freaking clue how to occupy yourself because you've isolated yourself so badly. And I so many people have left me. I've lost...about 12 friends this year. Twelve CLOSE friends. I have lost any form of integrity of being myself just because like...if barely anyone likes you, is it really okay to still be you?

That's the question I am trying to answer.

And nothing fits.

iNerd

(I figured making the title with an iTunes-esque type would help my case).

I like learning. Ever since I got my textbooks, I have been reading all of them. With no jokes, either. The theology textbook is so poorly written, I got a good lesson in English grammar rather than scripture. I attempted at reading the Spanish book of short stories and honestly, I barely got a thing. All I understood was some kid was involved in a trial in which the prosecutor was anal abot information pertaining to the trial. Beowulf was fun to read, especially how everyone who had any balls or muscles was extremely, extremely in Anglo-Saxon England...and was worshipped for it.


I decided to start teaching myself German. So far, I can only conjugate -en verbs in the present tense. And that making something plural can actually change the gender, which is interesting. I have been on the greatest Rammstein phase ever. I. Can. Not. Stop. Listening. To. Them. They are so GOOD! I saw the Mann Gehen Mann (which means "Man Against Man") music video and I was like "EW!" But they're rock gods they don't need sex appeal. I saw some live videos and in all honesty, I get turned on by people who are sick at the guitar or bass. And then I get a hyperactivity fit.

So what else...I want to learn how to cook too. I got made fun of on Rein tour for not being able to, so I want to change that. I want to not fail on my own in life. Although...I know how to make eggs and sandwiches. Woohoo...go me.

Insecurity

I am not going to go off onto a big rant as to how insecure I am not. I am just going to talk about how insecure I am.

There's too much about me that I would really like to change. Not so much about looks, but something about my personality keeps people away. I have been described as scary, adorable, weird, independent...from a multitude of people. I have no clue what my friends would describe me as.

Some say I am a great person because I worry more about other people than I do myself. And that is because...I guess I just sometimes feel like I am not going to have a purpose in life besides getting other people through life and having my life perpetually put on hold. But you know...maybe that is just going to be my life...

An endless cycle of helping with no time to fix issues that are kicking me somewhere that is like an emotional funny bone.

Parties = Fun Only If You're Drinking

I am an awkward turtle. No, really, I am. I do not understand where people get the idea that I am "da shyt" and such a socialite because I am not. I am so quiet when hanging out with people I do not know, because I know I will come off as super-duper immature or obviously trying to be older.

I just got back from, for all technicality's sake, a college party. And I knew one person there: my boyfriend. I stayed on the couch with him quietly because I could not contribute to conversations revolving around "my worst hangover." I would not know. I am not a kid who can go up to people and just be all talkative. I never know what to say, especially when I get pissed at my two best friends. But besides that, I do not know what to say. This one guy there asked me about my summer. I uttered like a sentence and went quiet. I cannot communicate with people older than me. Ever. Unless they act like they are my age or nice enough to not have the whole "I obviously act older than I am even though I am already older than you" aura going on. I just cannot deal with it without being shy.

And I honestly felt that my boyfriend had that aura tonight. And it sucked. Like, I honestly felt like they were babysitting me. It is one thing when you are 18 like they are and do not know anyone, and a completely different thing when you are 16, a lowly sophomore, who went to their high school, and do not know anyone.

It is awkward central. This is one of those deals where you cannot tell anyone about it because they will laugh at you for not drinking. Society is not really a thing I like.

Anger (Sorta Really Personal...Eh...This is a Blog After All)

Anger is another one of those things that is utterly useless. I have never been what one might call an "angry" person. I just usually brush things off and carry on with my own meaningless existence. As we all probably should.

But I do not understand why I have been so angry in the passed two days. Well, I know why, but I just...do not know why. I mean, I know what triggered it, but I do not understand why it is still carrying on.

I usually get these things that I call "anger flashes." They usually happen when I get indecently annoyed and last a few seconds. But something recently happened between me and a friend, and I cannot get it out of my head.

I dislike passive people. People say that I am passive. I am not passive. I am simply really selective about what ultimately matters, what will not matter, and the things that just are not worth getting angry over. I know people who passively flirt with other people, barely aware that they are hurting their significant other. I know people that think their problems surpass those of others, no matter how much worse those problems can be from their own. People are passive when it comes to being sensitive about someone's feelings. I dislike them all.

In my opinion, I do not think people should be so insensitive. Some people, when given horrible news from a friend who cannot cope with it or good news from a friend who wants joy to be shared, just do not care. I pull that card sometimes, so I cannot say that I am entirely innocent. However, there is always a limit. People ALWAYS have a breaking point.

And people's breaking points...well...they are just so early on it is hard to notice.

The Dark Knight 9/10

I am not a fan of comic book superheroes. I tend not to be a fan of their movies, either. However, when I saw the add for The Dark Knight, it blew my mind to pieces. I thought it was going to be a good movie. It demolished my expectations and the new Batman installment is my current obsession.

In this movie, Batman has apparently driven all criminals underground and they need to resurface. So they hire a new guy, The Joker, to take out Batman. The Dark Knight had a lot to say about the morality of people without being preachy. There were many scenes where people had to make a lot of choices, mostly having to do with the questions of who gets to die and who gets to live.

The movie's consistency was amazing. It had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I was so tense, I could not even realize that something funny happened. And most things in the movie made me jump. I do not jump often, if ever, in movies.

And the Joker. Oh my God. I have not been so impacted by a character since I saw Nightmare on Elm Street. I am officially scared of clowns. Heath Ledger did a great job in the role and my friends talk about how he should totally be nominated for an Oscar. I doubt it, just because Oscar season is not going to come for a while.

Overall, I give the movie 9 out of 10 on an imaginary rating scale.

Clinics Are Scary

Honestly, they are. I went to one with my boo, K. I felt so out of place...the weirdest feeling ever. It was as if I am supposed to be there, but I am not. Like I should not have to be one of the kids who has to go there.

But I am. And it feels odd.

Like as if I am better than that. But then again...I have no idea what I am better than. I sort of do not get the whole "better than" saying. Who determines that? Why must we need standards?

And it is questions like those that give me hope through CD's such as Green Day's American Idiot. I find so much comfort through it. The main character leads an exciting, aggressive, and ultimately depressing life, but he gets through it. And I want to get through it like Jesus of Suburbia does.

No regrets.

I pretend though. Things that I got through, still gnaw at me sometimes. Like a really hungry rat that has nothing better to do. It is as if it is saying: "HEY LOOK THERE'S CHEESE! But I will gnaw at this rope instead!" It makes no sense.

Helpless

I am not referring to something being without aid. Well, that is not entirely true, because partially, I am. But I am talking about not being able to help someone. Just being useless I guess is a better term.

When you just want to stand there and cry. Like crying will fix anything. It will not save your friend's girlfriend, it will speed time up to see your boyfriend, it will not prevent someone from getting really badly hurt.

I hate the feeling. It eats at me often. And I am just sick of it.

I am sick of crying. As much as I hate Fergie's music, big girls do not cry. No, they actually get up and do something about the problem. And not sit there and cry. Crying is a waste of time and energy. Not even energy.

It is simply a waste.

My friend Liz wrote an excellent poem about crying and the its connection with human emotion and the beauty of it. Human emotion is lovely enough without tears. But then again...

How are you to react to something sad, shocking or depressing without crying? Standing there makes you an asshole. Laughing makes you a bubbleheaded bitch who fails at life. Walking away...just makes you seem heartless.

I guess crying just helps people relate. I have no idea how. When someone cries, people can assume it is something bad and I guess it could also be a conversation starter.

I am really tired and rambling...but I think my point is: crying is useless and useful at the same time.

Tennis Camp and Physical Misconceptions

So I have been at tennis camp for a week and a half. I figured "HEY! Maybe I'll lose some weight." I have gained two pounds. So frustrating! Except calorie counting is the most effective thing I've done. That's how I lost two pounds this week.

And all the kids at tennis camp do not think I look 16. I hoped to God that it was because I am short. But they say that my face does not look like that of a 16-year-old. I sometimes wish I did not have such friendly-looking features. Like German or MySpace kids. None of them look their age. Most of them look older. Oh well.

So, hours in the hot sun. Not that exciting. I wish we played more. But of course, the little kids need to get lost going to the bathroom or wander off looking for a band-aid, causing all action to stop, freaking out the coaches. And about half an hour shaved off of having time to play. It is beyond annoying, especially for the older kids. I actually want to play. I am not lazy when it comes to sports. I sprain my ankle, I run through the pain. That is just how I operate. It is probably very unhealthy, but whatever. I do not like weakness.

Parties and Tennis Camp

So I had my sweet 16 on Friday. It was AWESOME!! Everyone had a good time (seemed to have or told me they did, anyway) and I had a great time. A better time than anyone else.

And now I hang out at tennis camp for seven hours a day, five days a week, in the hot sun. Sure, it sounds like torture, but it's actually fun when you have plenty of friends there.

I just like playing sports, not so much watching them or obsessively keeping track of all the key players. I find that boring and something people get way too caught up in. Like, this one guy in Poland, got SO pissed off that Poland lost to Germany in the Eurocup that he threw his TV out the window. That's a waste of a good TV.

My favorite tennis shot is the volley. I am a beast at those, but since I have not played in a year, they aren't very terrifying. I'll show the other players next week and maybe I will get moved up...

If the cocky jerks do not get to me. There are so many cocky people there and the cockiest are the worst players. I really should not be talking, but it's true! They try to make crazy, pro shots, a cheap immitation of Federer and those people, since they shots either attack the net or never go in. It is rather amusing.

My middle finger hurts because I jammed it. So that's my blurb until it gets better.

College + Standardized Tests + Ideals = CRAPPER THIS IS SCARY!

I just got back from college tour. I saw about 13 or 14 colleges in 5 days. My favorites were: University of Delaware, George Washington University, Georgetown (which everyone seems to like), and Lehigh University. My mom thinks they are all bad except Georgetown. With all due respect, Georgetown in unattainable. So, I will give a brief overview of why I like them.

University of Delaware has a gorgeous campus and it seems easy to navigate. It has the best study abroad program to all continents, including ANTARCTICA! They have over 125 majors too, many of which I'm interested in. And no core curriculum, which is AWESOME! I like independence. And it has 15,000 students and I want to be anonymous, but not to the point of ignorance where people cannot help me with internships.

Upon which note, I move onto GWU. It is GREAT for internships. Both campuses are located in Washington, D.C., so there are many important government jobs to do. The student body is about 10,000, so yay for anonymity! And it is a top-10 college in the country. So if my mom thinks it is a bad school, SURE IT IS!

And then there's Georgetown. Lovely European-like campus and great facilities, but completely unattainable. They judge students according to Ignatian ideals and I know I definitely do not adhere to those. Except for grade-wise. But the numbers for their SATs and ACTs are just disgusting because I know I will not be able to make above a 700. And it is really depressing.

So, Lehigh gave us a really realistic picture. Since kids applying on Early Decision made up half the student body, that decreased the chances for regular applicants to get in. I really liked the campus, because it is on a mountain and I like mountains. The study abroad is really good too, unlike most schools we looked at. The academics are good too and have programs that I will be interested in. And tennis is a major sport there, which makes me happy.

I have no clue if I have a shot at any of these. Hopefully I do. Mr. Hanley cannot stress enough that there are more kids applying and how it is more competitive and whatnot. That is so discouraging! Oh well.
It's worth a shot, no?

Birthdays and Happiness and FEK YOU COLLEGE BOARD!

Okay, so...I love my school. Really, I do. It is awesome, I met the love of my life there. And he gave me the coolest birthday present ever: blue roses. They are m-effing awesome! Did you know that there is no way to get them naturally (except for genetic engineering, but that is not entirely natural)? Yeah, planters pretty much dye the flowers blue having them sit in blue coloring liquid for a few days. And they are gorgeous! Do you not agree?

But tests royally stink.

And so does the ever-present reality that I need to start thinking about colleges.

And the ever-present reality that my parents think that I am too dumb on standardized tests to get anything worthy of the schools I like, such as Oxford and Yale. Why do I like these schools?

Well, Oxford is in England. Tolkien taught there, C.S.Lewis was part of the writing club there (the Inklings). England is the coolest place ever. The style in London is so punk/hardcore that it baffles me to the core in excitement. I went there when I was going into seventh grade and I fell in love! Greatest city on earth! I need to revisit the Tower of London and London Dungeon, now that I have more guts to not freak out at anything.

And as for Yale...well, the University of Connecticut and Trinity are close by. My boo is going to UConn but he's wait-listed for Trinity (I hope he gets in). But that is sort of stupid. However, I also enjoy the idea of going to an Ivy League school, as weird as that sounds. My parents want that too, even though they are using a poor method of encouraging me to go. Too bad I will not get to visit it on college tour. Maybe I will find another school I like. Something closer to home...and him.

Being in love does strange things to people. You will not know until you are in it yourself. It is easy to observe, and it really looks odd. But it is the GREATEST feeling ever.